SS, you have the idea.

Feeling lots of sadness for my XWW these days. I remember once, she didn't know what to give me for a birthday present, so she gave me cash. In the card, she suggested a few things I might use it for. One of the items was misspelled. There's so much contained in that one misspelled word. Remembering it breaks my heart.

And if that's not bad enough, I imagine what it must feel like for her, to know the suffering she's created. I hate to think of her feeling that sort of guilt and pain, but I also hate to imagine her not feeling it.

So confusing! I wish I could help her, but maybe she needs no help.

GC

She needs help, but I don't think it's something that you or I could help with.

Before you talk to someone, you need to get their attention. I don't see any way for you to get her attention.

Freedom is such a two edged sword. Protect, or destroy. Save, or kill.

It still looks like you use yours wisely....mostly. I suppose I include myself in that too.

Ah, but things are not always so serious. I know you can laugh.

SS

If you truly care about her Gray, a letter from the heart might get her attention. And if nothing else it would be a way for you to say goodbye to her and what you shared together, with love.

For if you truly love another you want for them to follow the path which leads them to happiness, regardless of the pain that path inflicts upon you.

I left my exSO a letter over at my(his) island property two weeks ago, in the camper I still own half of and know he is sharing with another women.

I told him I was thankful for the time we had together, for the love we once shared and that I needed to say goodbye to him with love. I also said I hoped one day we would be friends... and that I hoped life would be good to him.

Did it help him? I don't know. Did it help me? Yes, after a brief weekend in ****** I think I have finally been able to let go...with love.

And that means everything to me. Perhaps it does to you too.

Weaver,
I read what has been happening to you. I have been thinking, but haven't been able to find the words for you.

Please forgive me for asking this same question.

But....how are you....... really?

SS

Hi SS,

You know I think I am getting there. It's been one heck of a ride, but I feel more peace than not these days. Can't say I laugh out loud as often as I once did, but I can feel it coming my way again.

Still struggling with my faith though. But I'm still talking to Him, so I'm hanging on for some reason.

And hoping that the light comes back. Maybe it is, and that is why I am feeling some peace lately.

As far as Dan, I don't really obsess any more. I know he is at the island this week and probably not alone but for some reason I am okay with that.

Taking DD up north this weekend to stay at a hotel with a pool, and bum around. She is really excited about it. Keeps calling me to discuss this and that. Mostly where we are going to shop. Oh and my arrest is apparently the talk of this little town, so Paige wants to talk about that quite a bit. And my sister wants me to send her an email outlining how horrendous the whole ordeal was so she can email it to her college age daughters, to scare them. LOL

As always SS, thank you.

Weaver, I have many, many days that I struggle with my faith. I do believe it comes with the territory when you suffer trauma. Yet I am always comforted to know that God is faithful and forgiving. He waits for you and is with you always.

I have some to say, but little time now.

Still struggling with my faith though. But I'm still talking to Him, so I'm hanging on for some reason.

I promise he is there. I promise and I say that from personal experiance, not from reading a book. He's there, and he works for your happiness.

I know this arrest thing is very stressful, but I think when you look back on it from 10 years further on, it will rate about a .05 on the importance scale. (Scale from 1 to 10)

Mostly I worry about the state of mind that got you there. I admit I still worry. Forgive me that because I know you can take care of yourself. I probably won't change any time soon.

Glad P is spending time with you. Glad you are taking a vacation. May it be a happy one for both of you.


SS

I hope so faith.

I am strugling with the fact that I have had enough, and when is it going to end.

I read that story notso posted about David and Bathsheba, and you know I keep asking what I need to ask forgiveness for. I have two things which I know I did were really wrong, Dan was one and supplying the vodka to my dad which killed him was the other.

But I don't find it in my heart to feel bad about either one anymore. My dad was dying, and his throat was gone from cancer of the asophogus. There was no hope and he was in so much pain. I can't regret what I did, he begged me let him die.

And as far as Dan, I am sorry for the part I played in hurting his wife even though I didn't know he had one. But I am not sorry I loved him.

I wonder constantly if it is my lack of remorse which is keeping me on Gods bad side. Although I had severe remorse for both those acts for a very long time, I don't anymore. I feel I paid and now enough is enough.

Oh well, I'll keep talking to Him about it. Maybe eventually He will answer me.

Weaver, hmmm...let me think and pray about that. I am a bit shaky myself today so probably not a good time for me to answer that one. Yes, keep talking to Him. Sometimes His answers come in ways we are not even aware of or would expect.

SS,

I know that arrest is nothing. Aside from the night in jail, the huge money lost to me, and the treatment the police dished out...well it is not something which cause me to lose sleep.

It was really a blessing, as I dislike the bar life but thought I needed to be a certain kind of person again. And now I have a reason to not go to the bars. As Pep said, it was the wrong door.

It came on the first night I went to the bar and my first date, so it told me "choose again, this is not you". Now I don't even feel I have to date now. And that brings me peace too.

Wierd, heh?

Oh faith, I am following your thread. I'm sorry things are so terribly hard right now.

(((((faith)))))

FF, Weaver, hugging you both to my heart.

SS, missed you so.

GC, I read Ti your description of your birthday card.

He stopped what he was doing to look at me. He said that you have such depth, such perspective.

He then says, "I wish I could sit and talk with him; I'd like to have more friends like that."

I never realized it, but you two have a lot in common.

Hey SLH!!!

I saw where your H was posting here too. How nice!

Well I can't stay here any longer tonight, I have some tapes on healing emotional pain (subliminal) I need to go listen to. Oh and a gratitude journal I've been keeping.

Hope to be able to stay longer when you are around next time SLH!

Don't you think that if we could have the kinds of friends in real life we meet on here, our lives would be so different? I do. I know exactly what your H is talking about with him and Gray.

Yes, I do. I have two good friends IRL but both have young kids so I don't get to spend quality time with them. DS keeps me busy too. Ironic that some of the people I love and know best are cyber friends.

Hi SLH! Thanks, Weaver

Whew Weaver,

Glad to see you made it past your day in court.

Yes - "Choose once again", a different choice.

Here's another quote - "If you go down the wrong road --make a RIGHT turn." "With any luck, we all become a little bit wiser while moving down life's highway - just make a RIGHT turn".

And....I don't think you're on God's bad side - it's simply not possible. He doesn't have a bad side!

SS... I am far less humorless than I seem.

SLH... that was cool of Ti to say.

Weaver, I can't do it. I love her, I'm sad for her. And yet, what she did to car4love and her children... for that I'm disappointed in her and I don't like her.

It feels as if reaching out in kindness to her would give her a "pass".

I have this illusion that if I ever communicate with her again, what I say will actually matter to her, and could change something in her. And that is such a crazy illusion. It's like drawing a picture of a dog and expecting the paper to start barking at you.

Letting go of that ghost, that imaginary power, is what I'm up against right now. It's not as hard as letting go of my attachment to my wife, so I'm not all that worried about it.

FF, weaver, I'll have a thought for you both tonight.

GC

II detect some agape love toward your wife, going on with you GC...

This is what I was raised to believe, and this is the entire message of ACIM, isn't it? But then on this website I read fundalmentalist Christian views and it confuses me as to what/who God (and Jesus) is and their message of love. I have to stop reading that stuff, it really effects me, even if I know better. (no offense to anyone else reading whose beliefs are along the fundamentalist Christian side)

Thanks Csue, you remind me of my beliefs and the joy my love for God brought to me at one time.

Yes, you do need to work on letting go of your illusion of power.

Sparrow already has a "pass" Gray, and it did not/will not come from you. She has a "pass" because she is a child of the universe, and like ALL of us she is imperfect and made a bad choice which hurt others.

However if you love someone, you love them regardless of their bad choices.

Reaching out to her in love and forgiveness will free you Gray, and it might free her enough to be able to look at what she has done and begin the long, painful road of bringing her tattered soul back from the darkness she is surely in.

You even said you cared about her. Is this care so conditional that you offer it only when she reciprocates, or when her slate is clean?

(I was wrong before, in my views of her wretchedness. I forgot to take the log out of my own eye, so my opinion was grossly flawed and I saw my own sins in what they were doing.)

And I know how badly car4love and you are/have been hurt. But you are the lucky ones Gray, because you did not hurt others. Can you imagine living a life which was beget by the kind of pain theirs was?

I'm not trying to force you to change your beliefs regarding forgiveness, I just know now that it is the only way to freedom. We offer forgiveness (unspoken) by caring for someone after they have hurt us, and it frees both. It really does. You hurt yourself when you withhold this, waiting for amends to be made and hurts to be acknowledged because you hold your own love in bondage. Don't under estimate the power of love, it is a gift and one that should be offered freely and without expectations of reciprocation.

This is the only thing that saved my sanity through my ordeal these last two and a half months.

I'll shut up now Gray, but please think about it. (I see it happening in you whether you want it to or not. Your perspective is changing, I think.)