g'night GC.

SLH, I remember a book about a family who decided to make it. . . But I remember what they did, what they sacrificed. No furniture, nothing but a tiny one-bedroom apartment, nothing to eat a lot of days. True poverty.

They made it.


Oh, babe, I hope I don't sound stubborn or arrogant. I apologize if I do. I *do* know what it's like to live as you describe. The first 5 or so years of marriage were similar to this (though they progressively got better). Tiny living space, food stamps, WIC, medicaid. No telephone for most of the years, salvation army clothes and plates, boiling water for baths sometimes when it was below freezing. There were even a few times in the beginning that I remember chewing on grass to fill me up because I knew there was only so much food to go around, and I knew Ti and my DD had to eat too.

I learned so much about myself at that time. It was humbling, challenging, and character-provoking.

But we were hopeful. Ti was in school, and our lack was all for a good cause. We could endure anything, knowing that there was an end in sight.

I guess now, so much later, I am just so damn tired. Things have improved, definitely. But we are still drowning. That "End in Sight" proved only to be a (somewhat better) extension of what we had always gone through, only worse so in that we have no specific relief in sight and that knowledge puts Ti & I at eachother's throats in our exhaustion, need and frustration. And Ti is stubbornly hanging on to the hope that things have "got to get better", right here. But without an end in sight, it's easy to lose hope. And we just keep hemhorraging.

It's not crazy. It's what keeps us humans alive, because we're weak and foolish by ourselves, and our communities give us life. The work that Ti does is not just the work. It's the community and the life.

Don't get me wrong, guys. I agreed with this entirely for the first 3 years of his employment there. But so many contracts haven't come through, so many employment reviews (read as, raise assessments) haven't worked out due to their lack of funds, etc, that I guess I've gotten disillusioned. "I promise I will make it worth your time and effort" is a refrain we've heard countless times from his boss. He has good intentions. He has motivations. But will it really work out this time? Ikes.

And what I want to know is why this company is floundering. If Ti is the genius, what's missing? (Companies need lots more than genuises to stay afloat.)


Why is it floundering? No big contracts. Small company, trying to make a name for itself after 10 years or so.(The kind of place Ti said he always thought he could make a difference). Not to mention NASA's thrashing death throes after the Columbia disaster. . . not a lot of money on that front.

Ti's just an employee, and an engineer, to boot. Though he has the boss's ear for a number of things, how to run the company isn't one of them. He's just the Imagination Guy, the dreamer who designs things that have the potential to be great. Getting those ideas out there and in the industry's general public is the job of the management ppl, and the boss. Guess that's not getting done, huh? Thus the sinking ship.

The last big job they were banking on was a British Petroleum job out in the Gulf (of Mexico). A huge amount of money was spent on new, innovative but-yet-unproven technology, and everyone in the industry was watching, holding their breaths to see if what Ti's company did, really worked. These prospective companies were lined up to drop their checkbooks, too. But then Hurricane Dennis swept through and [color:"blue"] knocked the rig on it's side[/color] (it actually sank more than this photo shows in the following days -- up to 1/5 of the top of the platform was beneath the waves). All of the research, all of the hardware and programs, everything went underwater. . .

. . . before Ti and the company had a chance to prove that this new technology could work, and beautifully! Now all of the companies holding the potential contracts they were hoping for, (upon demonstration that this new technology *did* work), sprinted off. I don't blame them; they had no proof.

Foolish for the company to hold out hope for this one project to solve all their financial needs? Yep! Should they have had back-up plan? Yep!

But as Aphelion says, that's all primary phase H2O under the structural span.


Does any of this make sense, or explain why I am feeling/acting/whining so much? I hope so. I hate for y'all to think I am just complaining without basis. (Not that anyone has ever implied so; I just care alot about what you guys think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) After years of just hanging on, of struggling and clawing and seeking, I am just tired. The land of Milk & Honey has proven to be harder to attain than I ever dared imagine. All I want to do is get by, by just paying my bills, you know? But I think Ti & I disagree on how that might be achieved.


Will write mre later. About to help Ti work on the outlets in the house.

slh

SLH,
YOU don't need to worry about the company, or how it is doing. YOU need to worry about YOU, and YOUR CHILDREN.

God knows about the rest of it, and if Ti should stay, or leave. Use your best judgement about what to do, and then pray about it.

I have been where you are too - and we said "Well, at least it can't get any worse." This statement proved how little of the gift of prophecy we had at the time.

More later, when I have time.

Don't give up hope. You won't loose as long as you are doing all you can.

SS

Guys, please talk me down. I am having another one of those days.

Ti called this morning to let me know that he'd be going out of town this week, for work. That'd be fine except that he is leaving Thursday night, and our 11 year anniversary is Friday the 26th.

This alone would not have me upset (well, not that much). But couple it with the fact that he was out of town for our last two anniversaries, our oldest DDs last two birthdays, a few other DD's birthdays scattered over the last few years, my last birthday, Valentine's Day, etc, to name just a few. I am fed up.

It is always some emergency offshore. And "no one else" can do the work he can with the programs and the hardware or the designs, as he was the mastermind behind it all. So I am left making excuses for his absences, to myself and the kids (on their birthdays).

We hardly look like a priority, huh?

I know that he has been trying to make an impression lo these last 5 years. He has been working on making himself invaluable to this company so that he will be indespensible to them (thus translating into a larger paycheck). Well, he has done just that. But where has it gotten him, or us? And at what cost?

If it weren't for him making calls home all the time while using the offshore satellite phone (and it registering so on the caller ID), it would tend to look like an affair, wouldn't it? An escapist affair.

So now that there is a bona fide "emergency" (keeping the company afloat) how can I insist he not go? I'm not aware of the seriousness of waiting a day or two; I am ignorant of much in this industry.

I am surprised at the lack of emotion I am feeling. Is this dangerous ground? Am I on autopilot or losing love? Or is it just depression?

Should I not put so much emphasis on the actual "date" and instead rejoice in the "spirit of the date" and what it represents? Maybe it's a foolish habit, but I've always loved celebrating holidays on their actual date. Makes it easier to look back and see where you've come from.

It's so easy to feel like the martyr here. Someone kick me.

I'm sorry about monopolizing the thread, guys. Please forgive me.


slh

In the short term, if this is his pay check, then I am sure he is saying "What else can I do?"

I the long term, this needs to befixed so it works for both of you.

I must go for now, but will have more time to talk in a few hours.

We'll help you - OK?

And don't feel like you are monopolizing the thread - I can't believe you said that. (Says SS grinning from ear to ear) Isn't this what it's for? Hasn't Gray said every one is welcome? I think I know him well enough to say he was sincere when he said it. I am sure of it.

You can feel like a martyr, and sorry, but I won't kick you.
I figure talking it out will do more good.

I missed my W's Bday for years, to attend a trade show. Would still miss it had they not moved it up a week.

No, you are not crazy, but we can talk. I think it will help.

Back later.

SS

SS, when it comes down to it, I'm not sure there is much you or anyone else could advise that would help me change his behavior. . . or even my reaction to it. But you are right -- talking about it has done me good. Thanks for listening. I needed it, a shoulder to lay my head for a few moments. Sometimes my fatigue is blinding in its need.

Was your W always content with you missing her b-day? Was that the only holiday you missed?

PS -- I like Asimov, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


slh

Oh SLH,

You should know by now that we care how you are feeling. We care about Ti, and how his job goes. We care about your daughters, and we want their parents to be in love. Often is is, that I wish we could do more for your family.

If I help, you are very welcome.

My W was NEVER content for me to miss her B day.

I did do things to make up for it, as much as I could do.

(this is later, when I began to "GET IT." )

Early on, I just told her that was how it was, and to get used to it.
BAD CHOICE, VERY, VERY BAD CHOICE.

As I learned, I realized that her feelings were important, and I needed to take care of her better so she would feel loved, and cared for no matter if I could be there or not.

So, there was always a card for her, and a bouquet of flowers. In the card was the promise of a gift, and the promise of a special time when I got back.


Celebrating on THE DAY was important to her until I started taking care of her like that, then for some reason it didn't seem to matter so much. See, she knew I cared, and that I would take care of her. She felt special, cared for, needed, wanted........ she knew she was loved.

Now, we tend to do something on her B-day, but we take a trip together mid Sept (between our b-days) and we take great joy in spending time together. Over night, two or three nights.


Asimov was always one of my favorites - his writings were free of the sex and violence that many felt was needed to sell stories. I think he was one of the greats of the last century.

Go ahead and talk. We'll listen.

SS

I'm listening to SLH. SS, when you said "Early on, I just told her that was how it was, and to get used to it.
BAD CHOICE, VERY, VERY BAD CHOICE. " That could have been my H saying that. I think those beliefs are turning around slowly.

SLH, making big changes in your life can be difficult. There's fear of the unknown, fear of change, and a feeling that making a change means you're abandoning your past.

Those are all negative impulses, requiring courage to overcome. Overcoming those fears and doubts is a real act of love, not just for others, but for yourself.

I think even genuine loyalty can be clouded by this kind of FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

The other night, for laughs, I signed up with an online dating outfit as I was starting to drift off. I've gotten several responses. I looked over a bunch of profiles. The women who have expressed an interest in me look good in their photos and most seem interesting, but the more I look things over, the more I want to tell everybody "no thanks" and yank my profile off there. Something about it just feels off - like it's too easy. I was not afraid to ask real women out - though approching them out of the blue is a horror show. But dealing with a constant barrage of women who are interested in me because of my photo and profile on a website is somehow unappealing. Yet, it feels a little like I'm just being a chicken.

I don't want to hurt anybody either, and that's bugging me.

Anyway, see how our problems have similarities? Ti's loyalty might be partly knit from attachment to past plans and fear of an unknown future. My hesitation with dating is partly knit from a fear of reaching out to the world, getting hurt, and also having to hurt others.

But the status quo won't work, not for me at least.

GC

Graycloud,
I dreamed two dreams about you Saturday night/Sunday morning.

In the first (which was very abstract, and which I am loosing fast, but I made notes)
We were going somewhere in a car. Not yours, not mine. I was driving. You were picking out a tune on your guitar. (I said it was abstract.) I told you that you sounded good, better than someone else we could hear playing the same thing in the background (have no idea who it was, or where they were, but it was not the radio.)

You said "Ah, I'm ok, I guess, but not as good as some."

I said, "No, you are really good, I have heard "blank" do this song, and you do it so much better." I am not sure who I named. Perhaps Jonny Rivers?

This was the song.

Summer Rain taps at my window
West wind soft as a sweet dream
My love, warm as the sunshine
Sitting here by me, yeah
She's here by me
She stepped out of a rainbow
Golden hair shining like moonglow
Warm lips, soft as her soul
Sitting here by me, now
She's here by me
All summer long we were dancing in the sand
Everybody just kept on playing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"
We sailed into the sunset
Drifting home, caught by a gulf stream
Never gave a thought for tomorrow
Let tomorrow be, yeah
Let tomorrow be
She wants to live in the Rockies
She says that's where we'll find peace
Settle down, raise up a family
One to call our own, yeah
We'll have a home
All summer long we were grooving in the sand
Everybody just kept on playing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"
Winter snows drift by my window
North wind blowing like thunder
Our love is burning like fire
And she's here by me, yeah
She's here by me
Let tomorrow be


That dream ended, and then, I was in another one.

This one.

I was driving again, with someone else. Not sure who, but this one seemed much more real.

We pulled into your driveway. It wasn't really your house, but it looked sorta like it. There was a detached garage, but your car was gone. For some reason I expected you to be there. We sat in the driveway for a while, car running - thinking. Who ever I was with told me "it looks like he is gone, shall we go?"

I sat and waited, knowing somehow that I needed to wait for you. I told them "no, we need to wait, he will be here soon."

For some reason, it was important to me to talk to you. Maybe it is that you are important - perhaps that was it. I think it may have been that. Meaning, you are worth a great deal, and I wanted to do whatever I could do for you because I knew your worth, and didn't want to just let it go.

I woke up before you got there. This one was vivid, and seemed real. It is still vivid, setting there in the driveway. It began to rain while I was there. Light rain, and it was evening.

I have no idea, but it was fun.

SS


Not sure why I quoted S&G. Sometimes things come to me. I was almost afraid to post that one, because you once said you got tired of that era, because it was forced upon you.

Yes, powerful.

But then, so are YOUR words. Do you know that?

Faithful,
I was just being "logical."
She was being "silly."

So I thought.

But then, I started to learn. Oh what an education.

Graycloud says things well - sometimes he gets the feelings down so real.

Faithful, thats why I asked about the three months.

In three months, you will be able to tell if there is progress, or if he is just blowing smoke.

How did the weekend go at your house?

One more thing( and my W pointed this out to one of our daughters in law Friday night, when her H was late to W's B-day dinner.) She said, "Remember, Still Seeking is much older than your H, and he didn't start go get it until 4-5 years ago." Whereupon DIL looked shocked, and said "OH NO, don't tell me I have to wait that long."

It did take me a long time, but Gray has it now, so there is hope. (Or he has most of it, he may protest, but I'll let this stand.)

SS

We didn't do a date Saturday, but we took a drive for W's b day. Took twin DD's 12, and GD 18 months.

Saw some interresting windows. Loved the location.
window

Played by a mountain lake with the girls
Lake

Saw a rainbow in the mountains - what a nice end to the day.
Rainbow

SLH, and Faithful,
This is what life is about for us. It's family, it's being together, and enjoying life. Now, we get our work done,we didn't leave home until 3 in the afternoon, after we weeded the yard, and mopped the floors. But, you have to take time.........to watch the rainbows.

SS

Oh, oh. Need some advice. This has happened before.

I've been invited to an event. I want to go, and I feel an obligation to go. I don't know if sparrow is invited too. It's possible. I absolutely, positively, do not want to be in the same place as those people.

Options:

1) go - risk seeing sparrow and OM and be brave and be a good friend,
2) don't go - avoid seeing sparrow and OM and be a coward and a not-so-good friend,
3) ask if sparrow will be there, and if not,
a) go, otherwise
b) don't go

I don't think I should ask. Crud. I have to rely on these people to know better than to invite sparrow and me to the same place.

Can I? Possibly. 60/40 in favor of sparrow not being invited.

I could contact the person and just have a chat, feel them out without asking directly.

Chickensh*t! I'm going.

GC

ASK! For goodness sake your friends know what you have been through and you should not feel obligated to attend if sparrow is going to be there. Oh, and be direct GC.

ASK !

"You may or may not know that Sparrow and have just been through a messy divorce. It would break my heart to see her now, is there a chance she was invited too?"

You could do it better, but ASK.

SS

SLH, I'm so sorry for upsetting you. You've been through it and then some, it sounds like. I hope you and Ti find a way to agree on what to do next.

GC: Ask.

Still Seeking: Beautiful rainbow. And beautiful kids and granddaughter, too. Thank you for sharing. I still hope there is a man closer to my age and geographic location who understands what you understand.

J,
God has a way of making things work when you are ready.

I have thought a lot about what you have said. I can (and hereby do) credit you with as much or more than you do me. I have read some of your posts on SYMC. You are very, very good at helping.

I think about what you said about having children. I mourn for your loss. I think you can have joy in spite of limitations. I am sure of it.

There may come a time when those limitations can be swept away.
I still see that street with children playing. Some of them may be yours.

There is much evil in the world, but also much good. May the good overtake us all, and fill our lives.

SS

GC. Go baby. There is nothing wrong with YOUR Karma. You've no reason to blush, hem, or haw.

Hi ya'll.

The Wookie and I are VERY well. I'm almost afraid to say it...but we are recovering.

Hi Kimmy,

It sounds kinda good. Maybe better.

Should I be happy now? Or should I still wait?

SS

Gray, good friends wouldn't make you attend with Sparrow. I agree with the chorus: ASK.