AD, sorry, no fire tonight. Been refinishing my floors. Sanding, removing shellac. Wiped out.

Ever taken old shellac off a floor? Let me tell you, fun? You haven't had it 'til you've done this. Alcohol, a mop, and lots of rags. So many rags. And so sticky. Oh, daddy.

GC

Faithful,

These are what people refer to as anxiety attacks, not the kind that I used to get in traffic or in meetings, but the deep, sorrow and fear based ones.

I still get them once in awhile after three months but I know now that I can get through them, so I pray, read or cry , whatever helps the most.

From what I read on here they eventually go away.

For me I realize that my emotional attachment was extremely strong. I do not fear the future, or taking care of myself, or even worry about never loving again, but the emotional bond I had with him still gives me trouble. Working on that.

I hope you begin to have some good days soon and after that the bad ones will come less often and last less long. Sometimes it is even on a smaller scale such as hours instead of days where the grief is so big, and the anxiety attacks come.

(((((Faithful)))))

Mine attachment is strong too. I am starting the book Co-Dependancy No More today. BR recommended some books. I think it will help me detach and care for myself finally. {{Weaver}}

Still Seeking.....

I just want you to know.

I found him. I'm stunned. I keep almost crying. I tripped over something and fell head over heels. I have the scrapes and bruises to prove it was real -- and the heart to show the inside power of the other kind of falling head over heels.

I can't post more about it yet. There are no words... and there are reasons still to be quiet.

But. The words. Three words. Words I never thought... Words.

I love you.

Words.

And that stunned amazement on both our faces. Suddenly seeing the walls come down, the little boy looking out, the vulnerability and the fear and the love and so much more. Being in someone's arms again. Knowing it to be real.

I never, ever, ever thought I'd feel like this again.

J, this is happy, happy news.

Take good care of those scrapes. Ow.

GC

Let me complain.

All my best friends are busy or out of town. Okay, I thought, I'll get lots done on the house. I've been working very hard the last few days. Refinishing floors.

So tonight I decided to take a break and go to the movies. These days, if I'm at home, I'm working. So I needed to get out.

I don't know a way the universe could have conspired to put more great-looking women and their friends and husbands and boyfriends in my face during the trip from my house to the theater.

I am so effing sick of feeling like a weirdo. Like a loner and a freak.

The only other person I saw at the movie alone was a guy who sat right behind me wearing a baseball cap with the U.S. Presidential seal on it. I am serious. And despite being alone, throughout the movie he helped us understand what was happening with explanations like, "Oh, it's another flashback."

Me and that guy. The same.

What the he!! is wrong with me? Why am I a freak?

GC

Hi, GC.

Quote:
=============
Why am I a freak?
=============

If you are a freak, then I am in serious trouble :-) I can't really know how weird you are, but I am generally the only one in my class. You are welcome to join in, however. I would love some company <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are not a freak, GC. You are an intelligent guy looking for the right woman. A run of the mill woman, no matter how pretty, is not a match for a smart, talented guy. I am serious. Don't get matched with anything less than your equal. It will take a little while, but it will happen.

All the best,
Gimble

Hey, thanks Gimble. I know I'm not a weirdo. Just feelin' a little like a self-doubting high school kid tonight, despite my good resume.

GC

GC,

Shellac and alchohol-soaked rags... and fire, <shakes head>
Yeah, the fire can wait.

I stripped an old desk a few months ago and it was unbelievably sticky and etc. So, I can only imagine what a mess it would be to strip a whole bunch of hardwood.

As for your movie outing, all I can say is at least you didn't go to Disney World. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

To be honest, never in my entire life have I been to a movie or a concert alone - and I've been alone a lot in my life - just didn't go to movies or concerts.

Well, there was the once, and it was just like you described. I had forgotten about it until you posted this. In the first month or two of our marriage, we (together) went to the symphony. As we walked in the outer door of the concert hall (without tickets, but that is no prob with our local symphony), W said "I don't want to sit with you. Buy two tickets in different sections." I was amazed! Astonished! Of course, that was before I got used to her, before she started smashing things on a large scale at home etc. Well, I was unable to get my mind around this thing. It was so strange, insulting, and unexpected. I was speachless and I didn't know what to do. So, I bought two tickets together, hoping it was a joke - or that she would come to her senses - but she, upon seeing the tickets, was furious. She walked outside - was making a scene, and then was groping around behind the bushes on the ground for awhile - which made no sense to me.

So, I don't remember the details, but one ticket was exchanged, and I ended up sitting by myself in the balcony and she was down in the good seats. There was some freak guy (alone) sitting beside me too - and he was commenting and applauding at the wrong times (very enthusiasticaly) and etc.

Later, she explained that she had thrown her wedding ring in the bushes and that's what she was looking for (I didn't see it and she refused to explain in the heat of battle). There might even have been appologies. I don't remember. I'm sure she doesn't remember the incident at all.

It took me a long time to go anywhere with her again.

Yeah, memories.

Oh, and today was a very bad day. DD was with me. W called, started making serious proposals for reconciliation - went so far as to say, "you want some tonight" - with was about to push me over the edge of whatever it's called, uh, sanity. Then, while we were on the phone, and I was ignoring DD, DD hurt herself. OH MAN. Stitches in her tender skin - on the leg of the most lovely little child. I feel like brown stinking stuff. My W has been astonishingly non-violent. She came over, we went to the emergency room together. I told the nurse that as soon as we left my wife was going to kill me. She said, "I saw that you were watching her - expecting something to happen". I said "it's just a figure of speach, you've probably seen all kinds of things here, I don't want you to think anything..." Nurse, said "I've been married a long time too, so I understood". As soon as DD had her pants on - covering the bandage, she was good to go, seemed as cheerful as ever. We went and ate pizza together, but then W pulled a fast one - dropped me off at my house and took off with DD - who was supposed to be with me tonight and tomorrow. But amazingly, when I talked to her, she wasn't cruel to me - said she felt sorry for me, because she could imagine how I felt. It goes without saying that it's my fault. It's my responsibility to keep my house safe. I told her that if she had asked, I would have agreed for DD to go home with her.

I feel pretty low right now.

-AD

AD.... the most amazingly difficult things happen with kids. Last January, my ex was carrying our daughter across an airport parking lot. She tripped and fell... DD hit her head. She cried some. Then seemed fine and they went on. A while later, DD threw up. They (my ex and her new husband, though they weren't married then) decided to get on the plane anyway.

They flew with DD throwing up -- and with a concussion -- from DC to Chicago. They didn't take her to the ER for something like 5 hours. They didn't call me for that same length of time. She was gone for the entire weekend, staying with her parents, whom I do not trust, and allowing her sister to provide the immediate medical attention, backed up by various other medical professionals (her sister just finished med school and is doing her residency in pediatrics).

I know my ex felt awful about it. I also know how terrifying it was for me to be hundreds of miles from a child who had a serious injury.

When my ex got home, she brought DD directly to me. It allowed DD to avoid some travel time, and it got her directly into my arms. She was still sick and injured, and spent the entire next day sleeping on my lap. The poor thing was just miserable. She would wake up, whimper and suck her thumb and cry, and go back to sleep. I barely moved the whole time.

And here's the thing about all of this. I understand that you feel awful and your wife was scared. Lordy, do I ever. At the same time, taking off with your child? Not okay. That would be, uhm. Well, let's not label it except to say that it's pretty inappropriate. Your choice on how to proceed, but it might not be a bad idea to let her know that you'd like your daughter with you today.

If she won't do it, then document it and chat with your attorney about it. Because it's not a precedent you want to set. Really, really not.

Just J,

Did that. DD is here. It's relatively OK. Of course, whatever chance of reconciliation is probably gone, but I never put much hope in that either.

I'm glad your child's injury was not life-treatening - which it easily could have been.

-AD

Hi everyone. Just me, sleepless again, but about to give it another try.

House work is going well. This weekend I finished painting the newly-restored walls and ceiling in a bedroom, sanded the floors of one bedroom, and removed all the shellac from the living room floor. That was me, on my hands and knees, scrubbing the floors of a 17' x 9' room with denatured alcohol. Twice. The difference is incredible. If I had any furniture you could put a photo of my living room in one of those coffee table books. My mother's certain the combination of sawdust and alcohol vapor are sure to reach the pilot light and make my house explode.

For the next month, I'm putting every ounce of energy I can spare into this house. Even if I don't get to stay here, it's worth it.

After that, I hope I can take a break and get a life.

GC

Good morning GC. Here's a squidge for you. ((squidge))

True freaks don't care if they are freaks or not, so nope you're not a freak.

Wanna hear a funny? When I was dancing (BALLET, YOU FREAKS), we had to spray our hair down so nary a stray strand escaped. My mom went to Sally's and found the stuff that the old Southern ladies use to make their football helmet hair stay. Guess what the first listed ingredient was? Shellac. I slept on it after my preformance, and when I woke it was exactly the same. This the stuff that's on your floors and it was in my hair. It was a booger to remove, too.

AD - kids hurt themselves. Parents feel bad about it and blame themselves. It's the natural order of things. Z ran around the corner at his dad's and slid into another corner face first. 12 stitches in his forehead. 8 on the upper level of skin and 4 dissolving kind underneath. You imagine his dad was scared blankless of telling me? Bet your heart decorated chonies he was. Moms know stuff happens. We might be mad at first, but once our fear calms down (cos that's where the anger comes from), we know it's okay - we'd rather the young uns be with daddy if something happens and WE'RE not around.

- Kimmy

This really is a late-night thread. When I wander over here during the day, I have to dig it out of page 3 half the time. I find that amusing. No, not amusing. I find it really, really cool.

Very cool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh boy, I just get on and my W calls me -

I want to know how every one is - and I mean EVERYONE - Starting with Graycloud.

I can't believe you would wonder about your self - but then, I have not been where you have been, so I don't understand very well. It's just that I know much of who you are, and I know better than to doubt your basic worth.

So, how are you - and every one else too?

J,
Details, but only when you are ready - and can I gush more when I come back?

Faithful,
You are really quiet for someone in the middle of something this hard.

SLH,
Too quiet......... I worry. Please talk?

Every one else too -

Weaver - you can't get out of this.

SS

No fair, SS, starting with me.

Today I went to lunch with my work buddy/future roomie. He's got a new girlfriend, who I know a little.

He asked me lots of questions. I don't fancy myself the most brilliant advisor in the world. I don't have an instinct for it the way some people do. The right answer doesn't come to me naturally. But I tried to help. He has a life planned for himself. It involves certain circumstances, where he wants to live, how he wants to spend his time. It's not all selfish stuff. He feels responsible for his mother and his sisters, feels an obligation to be available to them.

He's beginning to develop strong feelings for his new GF, and is worried, because he sees that what she wants doesn't fit perfectly into that puzzle he's built.

I said, "Let's make it simple. Let's say you want to find a wife and have a family with her and live on a farm in Cable, Wisconsin, with all of them. Let's say that for whatever reason, your wish for that to be your life is so important that you won't allow for anything else. You know, you can probably go up to Cable and find plenty of women your age who are willing to get on board with that. You can have what you want. But are you willing to limit yourself that way? If not, then I think you need to back off on some of your expectations of someone you're going to invite into your life. Maybe you don't want that farm in Cable as bad as you think you do."

It was actually a pretty long conversation. I hope it was helpful to him. The damn fool seems to think I have some idea what I'm talking about.

For me, there's something missing. I feel like there's some step I need to take that I haven't taken. I can post on these boards, and try to advise people a little, and I can talk to my friends and try to help them figure out what to do with their lives. More and more they seem to ask nowadays.

But yakity yak, it seems awfully easy, and risk-free, to try to give people advice. People tell me wow, what you said makes a lot of sense. But I don't think I've gone out on a limb for them. I can talk all day long and feel very proud of my cleverness, and maybe even help someone out a little. But what risk have I taken? I haven't sacrificed anything, or shown a real willingness to put my own plans in jeopardy for the sake of someone else. I haven't really given them anything, but the contents of this big brain that gave me a huge GPA in college. There's no courage in any of it. I think that's what I'm missing. I want to do something that takes real bravery, and I haven't.

Some people think that it's courageous to try and save your marriage when your spouse does something like what mine did. B.S. Trying to save my marriage came naturally to me. The decision to do it was not any kind of struggle. I couldn't see any other way. My love for the sparrow was genuine. The attachment was there, and it was strong strong strong. But I was motivated by something more than a desire to get what I wanted for myself. I couldn't bear to watch her sink, but sink she did, kicking as hard as she could to speed it along.

So there, SS. It ain't so deep and wonderful. For instance, I want to do more musically. I would like to play music with people who are more dedicated to it, and less lazy and boxed in, than the ones I play music with now.

I could do it. I could practice more, write more music, and really start trying to reach out to new people. I live in a great city for it. But it's so much easier to stay with the status quo. If I left my band, the band would probably end, and I'd be letting my friends down. But it's still easier to stay than it is to leave.

I'm sick of doing the easy and safe thing.

Now this is stupid - it's just another f'ristance. I've bumped into a couple of women I liked. Why don't I pursue them? Because I'm afraid that they'd both be creeped out if I tried, or that neither would actually be interested. So I do nothing. I think I'm right, one way or the other. But doesn't that make it easier to do nothing?

There is reaching out that I need to do, and I don't know how to do it. I'm scared to, because some of it is sure to end in tears, and I don't want things disrupted. Things have been disrupted enough. But for my life to go anywhere, it seems I have to invite more uncertainty in, and I don't know how to do it.

I guess I sort of did it last week. I gave a card to the sparrow's old high school friend.

Several years ago, when the sparrow and I lived in Michigan, this woman and her son spent a week with us. We all visited the art museum in Detroit, and in the gift shop sparrow and I bought some greeting cards printed with one of Diego Rivera's frescoes. I still have the cards, and gave her one of those.

In the card I thanked her for being nice to me during this past year. Told her I didn't expect her to do it, but was grateful that she did. I hope it didn't make her feel uncomfortable, but I think it might have. She ripped open the card in front of her BF and her son and I was real embarrassed. I asked her please don't read it out loud. She went in the other room and came back, and said no more about it, except to reminisce a little about that time when she'd visited us. For some reason I felt like a perfect [censored] for what I put in the card.

See this dull agony? Bo-ring! Boo hoo. These are the problems of a very privileged fella. I agonize, then dismiss my struggles because they really are very silly, a lot of them.

GC

Hi, Kimmy.

Just so you know what was on your hair and GC's floor, shellac is bug 'stuff' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.shellac.org/shellac.html

It makes beautiful finishes on some wood projects.

When I was young, apples where sprayed with it to keep them fresher.

Edited to add: Here is a better link.
http://www.vegansociety.com/html/animals/exploitation/shellac.php

Gimble

It's oversimplifying things a little, Gimble, but honey really is, in a way, a combination of spit and vomit from bees.

And like shellac, kind of miraculous.

GC

Thanks Kimmy.

You don't know my wife, but all the same, she seems to be quieting down. She still says now and then (with a look on her face) "You did that" - meaning that I hurt DD. But today, she is talking reconciliation again - sort of.

-AD