I could go on about everyone here, just like when I put down which actors reminded me of everyone...but I'll spare ya'll tonight.

Actually, and I am sure I speak for most here - you are a lot of fun when you get to typing things like that. Saying you will spare us is kind of like saying:
"Well, I just cooked a 5 course meal, and I know you are hungry, but I'll spare you having to eat it."

BTW, you are fun to tease too.

SS laughs.......

I can't figure out what you are talking about here SS...

but you are welcome!

You are such a good example. You have all this emotional trauma, and you study, learn and you get through it so well. All the while encouraging others and helping when you can.

I know that when we see ourselves, we often see only the down side, but I see such an upside too.

I am really, really, really impressed. Just thought I should say so.

SS

Oh that's funny SS!

I think I told about the new assitant I hired on 7/21 when the old one quit.

Well I hired her on personality alone. I was feeling so bad at that time, that when she came into the interview (7th one in a day because my boss was only in town for that day, and he has to okay who I hire) she started laughing a bit and I just knew she was the one. No experience at all, and she is about 49 yo but we hired her that night.

I honestly believe that God sent her because I would not have survived the days without her. The first thing she did was bring in a stereo and some candles.

We have literally been laughing all day long every since.

Anyway, I went to her house (way out in the country) Sat night to meet her H and have a bonfire and I have to tell you I have never seen a couple so happy and so in love. 14 years and they are like kids.

I had the best time, but most of all I knew in that night what I want. And that is it.

I want a great relationship, with a godly man. I mean he is kind of a rebel, and so is she but they are very godly people.

We just laughed all night...about his years in trouble with the law (old him), and their hunting escapades and all the animals they have brought in and cared for over the years.

We have literally been laughing all day long every since.

I would like to see a film - I bet it would be good.

SS laughs again.......

Life is too short not to laugh a lot. It sure does help.

I just wish SLH, and FF weren't laughing with such bitter tears right now.

Darn, I broke the mood. Sorry.

Yes, I would like to see what a day with the two of you is like. I'll bet it would be worth the trip.

SS

Weaver, I am so happy you found someone to bring some joy into your life. What did you work out about custody?

I am going to get her on Nov 1st as planned, and a neighbor has offered to drive her to school, then my sister and Teresa (my assistant at work) will take turns picking her up and bringing her to the office until I get off.

She broke down and cried when her dad told her she might be staying there for another few months, and so I asked for help.

And I got it.

Faith, I hope you are doing okay. I can't wait until life is good for you again, and I pray it won't be too long now.

SS, yes you would get a kick out of her, she just brings out the best in everyone. She is the first one I write about in my gratitude journal every night, and she can't even handle getting a simple shipment though customs yet (I don't even care), and we even laugh about that. It'll come to her though, takes a while to click and she is very smart, but she sure can't type to save her life, lol. Listen to me, I can't believe I just said that and laughed about it.

Oh my.

There are reasons besides surliness I'm not around much.

At work, our busy season (aka the winter) starts on October 1. We spend our summers improving things. I've got some super cool new stuff up my sleeve, but there's a bunch of things to take care of before it can be unveiled next week.

I showed our head scientist some of my new stuff yesterday. He asked if the director had seen it. Not yet, not like this, I told him. He said, "Get ready for this to be your life after he sees it." It's true, my new stuff is gonna blow the director's mind and will probably steal the show at our first briefing on Monday. It's verrrry flashy.

So work is busy.

As for the other thing, no FF, I haven't lost the house. However, I may as well report that sparrow has neglected to fufill a major obligation in the divorce agreement. She's seven weeks past her deadline. My lawyer has contacted hers, but I haven't heard anything. Until that part is done, until sparrow is no longer in contempt, my hands are tied w/r/t the refi.

As far as being burned out or needing a vacation, I think like most people I'm self-regulating, regardless of my obligations. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I knew I was too exhausted to continue. I took it easy for a few days and postponed my parents' visit, and I'm ready to jump in again.

The boo-hooing about "I've wasted 16 months" has more to do with a sort of low opinion I have of marriage right now. My friend really put it to me the other night. She more or less accused me of living like a monk and fighting for my marriage only so I could be sancimonious and point my fingers at the infidels and say "you are bad and I am good".

I tried to explain that I just did my best to protect my M during an especially sucky manifestation of the "for worse" part, and that I didn't do it so I could look down on anybody. I only did it so I wouldn't have any reason to look down on myself, and because I thought I had a moral obligation to do it.

But some of what she said is sensible. I have no children, and my ex is an adult. What was there really to protect, except for an emotional attachment?

Anyway, got work to do.

SLH... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sorry.

Thanks for writing nice stuff about me.

GC

I don't think that is fair, really. Marriage is not just an "emotional attachment". Marriage is a lifetime committment to another human being that you promise to love forsaking all others. Someone you plan to grow old with, have a family with. Your spouse is not someone disposable like a boyfriend or girlfriend, KWIM? GC, you were fighting for that person that you committed your life to and for your moral beliefs. It is very honorable.

Yeah yeah, FF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm just being the analyst. Want to put this all behind me, but everything about it, including my own motivation, remains this chaotic, puzzling mess.

So I throw different ideas at the wall to see if any stick, and none do.

Crazy jibberish!

I hope 2long is okay. FF, look in him now and then, if you can.

GC out!

The only thing you can throw at the wall to see if it sticks is pasta! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will check on 2long occasionally. Can't let him totally drop off the radar can we?

Today nothing will stick to my walls; they're covered in sawdust. As am I.

SLH I want to hear from you. If you don't post here, I'm calling you out, sister.

GC

Graycloud - I've been thinking.
Of course, different people get different things from music.....

Hello darkness my old friend
I've come to talk with you again.....

Isn't it interresting that sometimes we do view darknes as a friend. And also we visit, when so often we could avoid it.

Not many of us have a proactive way out of the darkness. As sharp as you are, I think you could do that, if you put your mind to it. The hard part might be knowing when to apply the method.

SLH could use a way out of the darkness - all of us can on some days.

Me, I pray, and I go do something. Whatever my biggest fear is, whatever is most difficult for me, I face that and go after it for all I'm worth.

Faithful can see some light in her life. It comes from inside, doesn't it Faithful.

SS

Many times because of my tendency to avoid things I fear, I do those tasks first. I come from a long line of procrastinators. I too try to face my fears, SS. I don't always succeed but feel much better when I do.

Yes, there is light and I am trying to find my way out of the darkness. It takes a lot of faith to do so. I fail, then get up and do it again. SS, the light inside is what gives me hope.

Binder,
I was going to do this as a long post, and give background, but I have to leave in a few minutes and I want to do it before I go. If it doesn't make sense, I will fill in later, and please tell me so I can.

Your post has been on my mind. All last week, and this week since I read it.


The Lord Jesus Christ.
He was born, and learned as we learn. He wasn't perfect all at once. Started out as a baby, learned to walk, to talk, and grew as we grow.

His focus was better, he knew earlier than any of the rerst of uswhat he was here for. Once he knew, he persued it with a passion. Not always because it was his first choice, but because it was best. He always did what was best.

What is best is what brings happiness. We believe that, but we don't always live as though we believe.

There are two parts to us. The spiritial, and the phycisal. The physical is the part that gets hungry and demands to eat, the spiritial the part that says "you are fat enough already, lets just wait until dinner time."

Imagine with me.

Jesus Christ contacts you - you pick how he does it, but lets just say he does. He wants to meet with you.
The time and place are set. It is this weekend, at your house. Just the two of you.

He arrives - and stands at the door, and knocks. You open the door and invite him in. He looks at you. What do you feel? You know he knows you. You know he understands you - all of you. The public parts, the private parts. He knows.

You invite him to sit. The house is clean, the visit prepared for. He sits, and calls you by name. Tell me how you are, he says. He looks at you as you begin to talk.

So you tell him. You tell him everything, the good, the bad. The things that have happened, the feelings you have had.

Do you leave anything out? There is no reason to. None at all.

You finish. You wait.

What might he say? What advice might he give?

This is God, the son. He who overcame all things. The one that said he would have often gathered his people as a hen gathered her chickens under her wings. The same one that said he would come in his glory, and the wicked would be destroyed.

What does he say to you, this God that loves you, yet that always exacts perfect judgement?

Remember, his plan for you is a plan of happiness, not a plan of sorrow. Remember, he knows where that happiness lies, his rules the best way to bring happiness about. You teach your children these same things. You know them to be true.

I encourage you to seek after happiness with all your heart.
It is what he wants for you.

SS

Darnit. Lost a post.

SS, today I went to an estate sale and got S&G's Greatest Hits on vinyl. An easy record to find. A nice coincidence.

Here's another one:

Yesterday at work I got up and walked across the lab for something. Absentmindedly, I whistled the theme from "The Andy Griffith Show". Unusual, since I don't whistle a lot. The choice of tune, while familiar, was similarly unusual.

As I crossed the lab, one of my colleagues came out of his office and walked over to me. His eyes were biiiiig.

"When you started whistling just now I was ending a phone call with my brother. He's in Mt. Airy, North Carolina."

He explained: Mt. Airy is the birthplace of Andy Griffith, and the model for the town of Mayberry. His brother has some crazy fixation for this little backwater.

Synchronicity.

As is true for most everyone, I suspect, this kind of thing happens to me all the time. Inconsequential coincidences. I think they're fascinating. You can't do the math, so I couldn't say whether their frequency exceeds their likelihood, but they're always surprising.

I think SLH asked if I was in AD withdrawal. I don't know. I'm sure it's been more than a month, though I can't remember exactly when I stopped. Last time I stopped, I was okay for around a month, then got awfully down. But I don't want them any more. There was a time they served a purpose. It was a bloodbath. I was falling apart.

But nowadays, even with frequent stretches where I feel a huge amount of sorrow and confusion, and with this chaos in my home, there is some flotsam around that suggests I'm doing okay.

I first found MB at an Internet cafe in Parma, Italy. Ain't that a fancy way to have taken on the label of a BS?

Sparrow was just starting her affair, emailing the tinman from probably some Internet kiosk at her trade show. I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that it was a horrible, horrible vacation. My wife was treating me like a war criminal, so I knew my marriage was in trouble, but the reason was a mystery. I Googled frantically.

It's strange when an affair happens, how you know but don't know. I remember that I Googled "infidelity", but I didn't really consciously think "Holy crap Sparrow is having an affair" until she'd actually left, about six weeks later.

So that day when I went alone to Parma, I bought a whole mess of Parmigiano-Reggiano to bring home. Even if you're miserable, when you're visiting the hometown of the king of cheeses, you get some.

Partly because it's expensive, but also because it's got that nasty memory attached to it, I went a long time without buying any of this stuff, which used to be a fixture in my kitchen.

Well here I am, paring the last curls near the rind from a hunk of the stuff. It didn't even occur to me until now, this is my first Parmesan since '04.

Guess little things do mean a lot.

GC

GC - nice post.

FOUND A REASON!

Thanks FAR; got my Night Owl on tonight.

I like it when you post on the fire.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC

FAR is right that was a really nice post Gray.

So was SS's to Binder. I know it really helped me, as I have been trying to connect to God for awhile and needed to read that. I will try thinking of it that way.

Gray,

As far as the little things meaning so much, such as syncronicity and you whisling that tune (my dad always reminded me of Andy Griffith and came from a small southern town like that), and being able to eat the cheese now - it is so true.

I remember when my DD's dad and I split up I couldn't listen to music for two years. He is a musician and music was such a huge part of our lives that it was painful to me after he left.

I knew I was going to be okay when music started bringing me joy again.

It took a long time to get back to that place where joy was a part of my life again.

Maybe I'll make that my motto weaver.

"I can eat the cheese again"

GC

GC - it is always nice to sit and be warmed by the fire.

far