Darnit. Another lost post. Crummy wireless.

Here comes some theorizin' 'bout the self-help jive.

I reckon much of the conventional wisdom that deals with recovering from relationships ending cruelly had its origins in the struggles of women, and often women left alone with their children. I don't think mindlessly reversing the genders gives a result that works for men, necessarily. We know that women can't usually divide loyalties as easily as men can, and are more likely to abandon their partners.

Naturally, there are many exceptions.

Later, to avoid getting into rebounds, women must scrupulously avoid them. All men have to do is not pursue anyone.

Not so? Bogus generalization?

I have a friend who has dated exactly three women in the last ten years, each for a very short time. There's nothing wrong with him. He's a cool guy, he has money, he's healthy, he has no third arm growing out his forehead. So why has he had no luck with women? Because he makes absolutely no effort, and when, every five years, he falls a$$-backward into dating someone, he gives nothing of himself and takes no risks.

I doubt very much that his female counterpart in a parallel universe would be so unsuccessful.

At least her frequency would be better than once every five years.

The point being, such warnings - NO RELATIONSHIPS FOR X MONTHS - require most women to avoid getting into anything. I think many men are more self-correcting. At least I think I am.

I know I'm ready to reach out to someone else simply because I want to try. I'm not attempting to drown out any existential sirens or anesthetize myself. But even so, I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm alone, I will drag this heavy rock of sorrow for my ex behind me.

All that remains of my attachment are the roots, a feeling of concern for my ex that exists no matter what she does. I think it would be fine if a nice girl would come along and dump that debris out of the pot, 'cause it's not going away on its own, and it's not much use to anyone.

With any luck I'll do better than one girl liking me every five years. That would suck.

Though my buddy seems fine with it. Different strokes for different folks...

GC

So SS……I’ve pondered your post for a few days now. I’m still not sure how to answer it.

Happiness…….I still feel it……but there are so many kinds. I’ve felt “happy” at times though I may not be living in a manner that makes me proud of myself. The sort of brief “happy” one gets from consuming the “junk food of life”. Instant gratification. You crave it….you want it…..you succumb to it…..then there’s the inevitable remorse.

I know the happiness you speak of; the contentment that comes from a life well lived. Where all areas of your life are serviced appropriately. Where one’s actions speak of one’s priorities and are in synch with their spoken priorities The life you could record and play to your children to model their life after and make them proud you’re their father. True happiness.

Your scenario of Jesus coming for a visit is vivid. Maybe that will be what judgment day is. Not so much the fire and brimstone stuff. What is brimstone anyway?

What could one say? The Christ…..in ones home. A palpable being speaking to me. Odd? It struck me that the scenario is not so strange other than the personification of him. Do I not have that opportunity now? Am I so foolish not to realize I could have that conversation any time I want?

OK…..it would be different. To hear my questions answered…actually hear it. What would I ask? Why? Who am I to ask God why…….about anything. Would I be crying……would he? What advice would he give? I already have the rule book.

SS……I do feel “out of sorts” these days. My sense of self and direction feels somewhat schizophrenic. I had a better sense of my priorities and lived it when actually mired in the despair of the affair. I can have such a short attention span at times.

I appreciate your prompts……I hope the above rambling isn’t too incoherent.

GC: That's the best rationalization I've read in some time. It doesn't pass the peeeeee-eewwwwww test, of course. But it was a really good try! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh well, J. Not much of an effort really. Awfully lightweight stuff, I admit.

I'm promiscuous with posts, which makes the results pretty hit and miss.

I think I got a piece of it. I swear I heard a tick.

GC

Clarify some things for me, y'all. . .

What does "waiting until you're happy" mean, anyway? Absolutely no serious relationships, or any relationships at all? Staying away from the opposite sex at all costs? Hanging out and doing things in totally benign interactions with the opposite sex, whilst guarding your heart? Something in-between?

Curious, because I've seen a few wounded people myself who dated right after their divorces -- these are women, too -- and they managed to find happiness and confidence in the dating scene. They were always up-front with their dating partners about not wanting to get serious, and as a result the onus of a long-term relationship was pretty much removed for them. This allowed them to flourish and grow after their particularly gruesome marital relationships, and no one got hurt, because each of them was self-assured enough to not use their dating partner as a crutch for their own healing.

Was this "Dating with a purpose"? For marriage, no. But for fun, sure. If all parties are forwarned, that is. Deceitful intentions wouldn't have worked here.

So, I don't entirely agree on the set time before someone begins dating again (once the D is final, of course). That boulder Gray mentions having to drag about doesn't necessarily grind down over a designated period for some folks, but it may wear away to mere pebbles for others. I think a lot of it depends on the individual person.

JJ, your post brings tears to my eyes. I love reading them. I miss that kind of love, myself.

Waconia's not that far away? Cool. John said it was west of Min/SP, but I was planning on looking at Mapquest closer to our departure date. As for the when, you gotta know my friend John to know how unorganized and "whatever" his attitude is about things (but he's such a nice guy, people put up with it!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. He's been talking about going to MN all summer, and hasn't gotten much closer to actually doing it than that. So it could be next week or 3 months from now, knowing him. But it would be great to see whomever could arrange a couple of hours. WEAVER -- are you listening?? Hint, hint. . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


slh

Yeah I'm listening...to a little Van Morrison that is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oooooh, you mean about the possible meet, don't you?

Well I'm about 10 hours away from Gray, and on a restricted license, so I would have to say no I can't make it.

But next time the oppertunity (dang SS I can't remember how to spell that word) arises, I would love to meet you, and Gray and all the rest of the MB'rs too for that matter.

As for your (diatribe?) on dating too soon. Well I can only speak for me, and for me it is way too soon. And Gray had to wait until his divorce was final, and when he is ready the right girl will be there (she is already waiting for him to open his heart again).

I have made a commitment to devote the next few months of my life to God. And boy or boy am I glad. I have found such a friend again, and hope/peace/forgiveness is restored in my heart.

I am studying ACIM again and feel it is the path I need to take right now. (controversial book and I don't wish to debate it with anyone, so that is all I will say).

You sound good SLH, glad you have renewed faith in your hubby now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PS Just kidding about the diatribe comment, but I can tell when your dander is up. Nothing wrong with a little passion when a topic speaks to you like that, I say.

dang SS I can't remember how to spell that word

I can spell it two or three different ways, and all of them look good to me. I like your way too.

Don't worry too much, it ruins your posts. I would know.

SS

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I'll start the lyrics out tonight. Been thinking of my dad lately, and this song we played at his funeral because he was a pilot in the USAF and my mom and him used to dance to this song when they were very young and it was popular (but by a dif artist of course back then) We played this version at the funeral.

And 2long if you are reading, and I'm not trying to draw you out either because I know you don't want to post now...but this is for you and your pilot dad too.

Artist: Lifehouse Lyrics
Song: You Belong To Me [Jason Wade] Lyrics


see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me

see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me

and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me

oh I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me

When I'm ready the right girl will be there? This is very good news.

Tell her to try and cross my path sometime before Xmas. I'm 'xpecting to have some leisure time again soon.

Actually you'd think with the agonizing amount of self-examination we do, this would be an easy call.

Wow it is coming down out here. I'm going to hate not being able to sit on the porch. Soon it'll be too cold. Guess I'll switch to the fireplace.

Back to work...

GC

Ten Hours, Weaves?!?! I thought you all lived in the same city. I had no idea you were so far away. And I didn't even think about your license. Crud, Weaves! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Diatribe? LOL. :<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />: I can't say I feel *that* strongly about it, as much as some folks' attitude that "certain rules" should always be followed in situations like this. . . but not just this one sitch; in many MB sitches. Case-by-case should at least be considered -- it's not always one-size-fits-all. You know?

I sound good? Wow. I can't necessarily connect it to renewed hope in my H though; it is more a knowledge that I have options, and that is freeing, indeed. No more hand-wringing, clothes-rending, hair-pulling sessions of despair when my efforts show me exactly how incapable I am of making this M work; rather, I have choices and I know that I do, where as before I was steam-rolled into the belief I was going to be trapped in this at least another 2-3 years, at most, forever. That knowledge is both sweetly hopeful and nauseating, but there it is. Time will tell.

Hope everyone is doing well tonight.


slh

Hey SS. I like the thought of people who are still in love after all those years. My ex and I were going to be those people. Or. Well. I'm that sort of person. Perhaps it's sad to admit that now. But that's what we had. Rock-solid friendship and love. Even now, people who know us both tell me that we're woven into each other's souls in a way that can't be undone. She's gone on her own path and that's okay now. The parts of our souls that are intertwined seem to function okay at a distance.

Yesterday she helped our DD give me a birthday card about a Mama Bear. Perfect for me, 'cause my last name sounds the same as Bear and I'm known as Mama.

And she wrote "Happy Birthday" in the notebook that we trade back and forth for DD. So strange, to see those little bits of humanity creeping back in. Not really bad. Just strange. Like seeing the first little bits of green in the moonscape that was Mount St. Helens a few years ago. (Also apropos, come to think of it, because of a name association.)

Maybe that's why I'm willing to try this stuff again. Maybe it's because I know all the way to my bones that I have the capacity to be one of those people who is still in love after 40 years. Even knowing, now, some of the truly painful parts that come along. Funny, that.

All the dating stuff and who does it what way is interesting to read right now. I set out, as some of you might remember, to go on 50 dates in a year. I made it to 12 between October and January. They were fun and only one was completely weird. I enjoyed myself -- and I ended up in a relationship with someone who was fun but not quite right for me, nor me for her. The trouble with that is that it caused her pain because she was looking for a long-term relationship. That's one of the risks of dating just "for fun." People fall in love, and then you have the pain of disentangling yourselves from each other's hearts.

Then again, there's always risk when you're working on falling in love. The question is whether it's ethical to date when you know that you don't have the capacity for more. I don't know the answer to that right now, so it's time to end this post and go find some supper.

SLH,

Choices. That's what it was that changed and I misread, but the change in your tone was very discernable, for the good. I am happy you now sound much better.

JJ,


This is where I get stuck, and the reason I don't like to date, and never did. I know right away if my feelings will grow and if they are the guy for me and I have always felt deceitful when I have continued to date knowing full well that there was a possiblity of hurt for someone.

But reading your previous post on how you and your beau are forced to take it slow because of the distance made me laugh out loud. As if...one could slow down love. If anything it speeds it up, because of the very nature of being forced to live in your imaginations for prolonged periods.

Your very cute when in love!

It is very hot here today. Is there a swimming pool nearby? Just dropping by to say *hi* to my fellow campers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think Gray was going to put in an olympic sized pool with hydrotube right after he gets the floors done.

I want to see a hot tub too. It's fun on those snowy winter nights.

Say, who pays for all these projects? I've been wondering.

SS

hot tub would be great! Not today though, it is in the high 90's here. ugh!

hmm..maybe we bill Harley for all the book referrals we make!

It got cooler here the past few days. Before that, it was in the low 90's daily - for a few weeks, and before that, in the 100's.

Maybe you should take rest of the day off, and go to the beach. You could wheel the wheel chair right into the water, I bet DS would love it.

SS

How is everyone this evening?



slh

Hi SLH! I have to run but wanted to say hi to ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll be fine when I get off work.

SS

FF, how's DD & DS? Any changes in your H after your retreat?

SS, send some of that "cool" over here! Yes, even that *wee* little bit of cool. It's darn hot here, too; my kiddos are swimming today.

If anyone knows where they are hiring Aerospace or Mechanical Engineers, let me know. Argh. Ti's company didn't have the money for paychecks this last payday (2 days ago). Again. Again, again. Everyone in the office is irate and restless. Apparently, though, this is the good swift kick in the pants he needed. Right now, he is applying for jobs like crazy; cover letters, applications, resumes. He has a phone interview tomorrow with a company in Tukwila, WA, & one in Decataur, AL as well as a whole litany of other job apps out that are coming in. So I may be begging for cold now, but let's see if I do so, if/when I end up in Washington State! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


slh