SS,

Absolutely beautiful photos man!

Maybe I'll have to buy another memory card for my camera when I go out there, or you can let me burn a CD if my 1/2 GB get's full.

-AD

Yes, SS, this is what I'm looking for. Tell the stories of your marriage, if Mrs. SS is okay with it. The more of that kind of thing, the better. It's hard to be simple. You understand what I mean, and you work at it.

I'd like it if you shared more of that. It's useful for others of us who are trying to learn to be simple -- and change what doesn't work one step at a time.

Thanks.

Hey, good people, I just realized that I'm feeling so positive about life, that I could spend the night in the other house - at "our" house. For a long time, I felt this huge heaviness being there - but I'm rounding up my camping gear (something padded to sleep on since there is no furniture there), and heading out. I was planning to do some work over there tomorrow anyway.

If I believed in luck I'd say "wish me good luck", I do believe in prayers, but if you feel like praying, pray for some child that still alive under a slab of concrete in Pakistan. Don't waste your prayers on me just now. God is already blessing me.

-AD

Astounding! That is the only word I can come up with. Truly astounding the beauty in those pictures.

JustJ…..that’s one beautiful child. One thing about a child, it certainly makes one vulnerable. The emotional investment in those little people cannot be adequately described with my meager vocabulary. Now that I raise two of them I realize how inadequate they make me feel too.

SS, I pondered your description regarding the relationship men have with women and how "It is not good that man should be alone." How a woman can bring a sense of compassion and a safe place to be vulnerable. I’ve felt that, and maybe that is why the pain of infidelity can be so great. The very refuge that was provided; the sanctuary, became the source of my injury. Where could I turn….it upset my whole being and sense of equilibrium. What little innocence I had left was dashed, the whole world looked a little “dirtier”.

Do I miss having a woman around?........Is the pope catholic? Is Helen Reddy? It’s not just sex though (don’t get me wrong, that’s certainly part of it) but even the meals together, the glass of wine, watching some stupid movie. I am not turned off of relationships per se by this ordeal, but I’m sure to be somewhat jaded and more cautious. I also know that I’m no treat to live with too. I have a load of flaws and idiosyncrasies that render me a “challenge”. Sometimes I feel that I would not date any woman that would have me for a companion.

My WW had a complaint about me, certainly the complaints were many and very vocal once she began giving the OM the victory sign with her legs, but this one in particular gave me pause. She said I lacked vulnerability; I didn’t “need” her. I was a self contained unit that didn’t require her in any capacity be it emotional, domestic or otherwise. I knew this complaint likely had some truth to it, but I always felt it more important to “want” someone in spite of not “needing” them. One is a choice which speaks to desire, the other a necessity that speaks to self preservation. Personally I think I’d much rather be the chosen yacht over the obligitory life boat.

I also don’t see myself seeking a “a compassionate understanding of the damage and harm that's happened for her” as I’ve read it eloquently described by JustJ. I don’t intend to be consumed with bitterness and/or vengeance for the rest of my life, but my sense of paternal responsibility for my children overwhelms my compassion. It is a statistically significant fact that children from broken homes are more susceptible to the ills the befall society; promiscuity, delinquency, substance abuse, suicide etc. My children will be the unlucky recipients of a life without an intact family courtesy of their mother’s choices. Certainly if the police knock on my door one day and drop off one of my children, drunk….stoned….or with a court date….I would not be able to articulate a coherent connection to this affair, but it certainly will be in the back of my mind. No, not all children will be so unlucky and some kids from intact families fare far worse than some from broken homes, but there is a significant correlation between the broken home/kid in trouble scenario.

I also admired those photographs SS, I would absolutely love to see that landscape in person. I adore the outdoors and the sense of timelessness that the ancient world gives to us. I get a sense of God when I see the vistas that you captured with your camera and an incredible impression regarding the members of the particular ecosystem and how they “works” together so perfectly. I find it tragic that humans do not have the desire to minimize our impact on such a fragile planet….but I digress.

I would love to join you and AD on your visit and flights to Vegas from here are quite economical. My parenting obligations and my son’s upcoming hockey tournament in Jasper prevent it however. Who knows though….maybe one day.

Glad to hear you’re feeling well AD, that was an uplifting selfless post. I look forward to reading your posts after you return from you holiday with SS. He used to live in my town once upon a time ya know.

GC……house renos……always count on things taking twice as long and costing twice as much. I always know that how difficult a job is, is usually inversely proportional to how easy it looks. Those old houses are worth it to me though. I see so many of these new cookie cutter Mcmansions and I just can’t see how they could be lovable.

Faithful Follower, SLH….hope you are well, here’s wishing you a good weekend.

SS, there's something so peaceful about those purdy places. The ones near you especially, for me at least.

You're a lucky fella aren't you? That's good.

Tonight my brother came over to help me work on the floors some more. My house is so chaotic. I don't like it this way.

There is a chance I'll lose it. The house, I mean. I'm prepared mentally to lose it (the house, I mean), but I've just realized, I don't have a plan for what I'll do if that's how it goes.

People say to me, all the time, "But you've worked so hard. All that work will have been a waste if you lose your house." I don't think that way. Can't.

The other night, my dad was here, and was trying to learn a song on guitar. I stopped him and tried to explain a thing or two about rhythm. He plays okay, but his sense of rhythm is tweaked. As we started, he said, "I can't learn. It's 50 years too late." I called BS on him and continued. He started to get it a little. I made suggestions. We played a little more. I stamped my feet and made time, showed him how to accent both downbeats and upbeats. He started to get it a little more, then yawned and said, "It's 50 years too late." I said, "Dad, I've explained it all, and I know you understand. Just go home and play along with the CD until you get it." He says it's too hard, that they play too fast. How frustrating! So lazy! But at 73 he gets slack.

A former colleague contacted him this week. The guy is bipolar, got in a bunch of trouble in Vegas many years ago, reached out to my father. My folks wired him a few hundred bucks. The reason he got in touch last week was to pay my parents back. It was something like $500. I bet it was 15 years ago they gave him that money. Dad didn't want to accept the repayment, but I suggested that he really ought to. I said I thought turning the money down would hurt his old friend. I think he agreed. Maybe I should have suggested he donate it. I think I'll call him tomorrow and talk about it. I bet you he's already thought of it. I bet you anything. But so if he were to do that, would it be right or wrong for him to tell the guy that he'd donated the money, and to whom? Or would it be better to really use the money himself? I can see both sides, just don't know which is shinier.

I was reading People of the Lie a little tonight. It's hard for me to read it. I hold up my ex next to all the examples, even though I try not to. Reading a book about evil people and then seeing how someone who has hurt you fits into the descriptions therein is not good. It's the natural thing to do, but it feels... subversive.

I'm up because I have timing issues with my floor work. Apply finish. Wait four hours. Do not wait more than six hours, because then it will be screwed up.

Can this really be true? I think I'll risk it and go to sleep.

Yap, yap, yap. Night all.

Gray
Cloud

good morning, GC. How'd the floor turn out? Love the story about your dad.

Binder, I've thought through those same statistics for my own daughter. I recognize that I did everything I could to prevent that shift to a less-than-optimal situation for my daughter.

And I recognize that my ex decided that was not an important enough reason (along with my love and her vows and various other things) to save our marriage.

I know that if my daughter has some of the problems that are common to children of divorce, I'll have some of the same thoughts you might have.

And yet -- how much worse would it be to be the one who chose to create the divorce? How much worse would it be to have that quiet voice in your head whispering, "This is your fault"?

I've known three or four waywards who never reconciled. I know two of them well enough to know of the heartbreak and overwhelming guilt they feel. To the extent that they choose to live with that guilt rather than taking steps to make amends, the heartbreak and guilt are their own choice and perhaps I shouldn't have compassion for someone's self-inflicted pain.

But I do. I think eventually you might figure that out, too. It took me a long time, and I still have trouble with it. It happens, though.

That day may never come. One of the qualities I was attracted to in my wife was her decisiveness. The downside was that if things didn't turn out the way she planned, or the decision bore some obvious flaws, she seemed unable to perform any self examination or introspection to determine if she had any shortcomings that contributed to the less than optimum outcome. I don't see her having any epiphany over the conclusion of this marriage and her role in it. The little voice in her head likely says: “You did what you had to do”. Self criticism seems to be conspicuous in its absence with that girl.

Without any self recognition of her responsibility, it's tough to have any compassion especially with my continuing detachment. As she is still my wife, and as my children continue to suffer for her choices, I feel nothing but disgust and helplessness right now. The weapon is still in her hand and the carnage continues. One day after the A ends, as is inevitable, I may feel something different. She may surprise me with a sense of remorse and maybe than I will feel compassionate towards her, in spite of her impulsiveness and her contribution to the destruction of two families.

There is this common thing - this refusal to look inward. The belief that their choices are not their own decisions, but acts of god. The willful refusal to care, before, during, and after the fact, whether their actions cause harm to anyone.

When I think about my ex's past, I see painful things that might have unfortunately contributed to her later actions, and I see long-held attitudes consistent with her later actions.

But truthfully, I see mostly consistency, and not in a good way. The desire to remain a child in a happy world where nobody fights or complains. Actions that are not the result of conscious consideration. A dismissive attitude toward fighting for life - a withering surrender to the power of death. The motivation not to be good for its own sake, but only to be viewed as good. The stubborn refusal to consider the consequences others experience from your own actions. And no interest in the care and feeding of one's own spirit.

She'd probably sputter and roll her eyes if she read this.

I still love her, but I think she's a pretty bad person I'm afraid, and I wish that it wasn't true. I didn't see it before. And maybe I'm cooking the books on it now. But some things in my memory of her have come into relief in the last year.

My friend knows I like rocks, and I've told him I'd like to take a truck out in the country and gather (with permission) a bunch from a farmer's rockpile sometime, use them in my landscaping.

He took his girlfriend to meet his mother today, and they stopped off somewhere and collected rocks for me and left them in a pile in my yard. I'm talking about good-sized stones here, not little pieces of gravel.

That's the kind of people I want to know. It blows my mind. These two stopping somewhere and gathering rocks, for me. It blows my mind.

GC

We've had some major friendship shifts over the last few years. Mostly because of just what you said - I want to be around people who are kind, giving, loving, compassionate people. I no longer require justification for being or doing anything...and I'm not really interested in enabling others...so the people in my life who were there for that reason, are no longer there. I still care for them - but I just can't take the whining, complaining and general state of misery with absolutely NO intent to change it. We had another set of 'friends' who were truthfully good friends at one time. However - there seemed to be no interest in forgiveness towards me - and I eventually got tired of being treated like a piece of scum. My H got tired of seeing me sad and deflated every time we got back from visiting with them. We just decided as a couple to quit hanging out with them. It's been a great decision - because we've found some FABULOUS friends out there who take us as we are.

We like rocks too! I surrounded all my flower patches with rocks - but we couldn't find them for free, I had to buy mine!

Hope,
It's good to see you again. I think about you guys from time to time, and wonder how you are.

Wonder about lots of things -
What you did with the business, how son is. Wonder about your learning curve, and his.

We have a good friend whose W had an A. We love to do things with them. It means so much to us that she made it back. We try to offer support, not hold it against her. I can't see any happiness in continuing an ongoing relationship with people that treat us badly. Glad you are changing things.

I can't believe there are really places where you have to buy rocks. Is this true? Where I live, you might have to buy dirt, but rocks are free.

SS

Blech.

My roommate is trying to move in and I'm not ready, but I told him he could get started, and he went to my house, and I hadn't finished vacuuming the floor in his part of the house, so he left his bed and dresser in my dining room.

Sparrow is breathing down my neck. I have to see my mortgage guy at 8 A.M.

I'm exhausted from working on the house. I went from Thursday night to Sunday night, hardly stopping.

I have a real, honest-to-goodness, unchangeable (guy traveling from far away) work deadline tomorrow afternoon, so I'm at work now trying to finish the project, since I won't be in tomorrow morning, and I was tied up last week.

After I'm done I have to get all my financials in order for my meeting.

Boo hoo. I won't be home for hours, and it's almost midnight.

I do believe I'm what you call "in the weeds" at the moment.

I am definitely taking a vacation in a few weeks, assuming I survive that long and still have a house when I get there...

GC

{{{GC}}}

Good morning, friends.

GC, I'm sorry. But I must say, you don't sound overwhelmed yet. You're tenacious as heck and I wonder if you're just superman or something.

FF, how are your babies? I've not been reading many posts aside from here so I apologize if I've missed updates.

SS, I'm not ignoring you, just trying to formulate an articulate answer. (BTW, library didn't have the correct "Mars & Venus" -- did you know there are 15 or so different copies? Mars & Veus for parents, Mars & Venus for Singles, etc? Of course they had all of those! LOL)

Binder, you are so well spoken. I've met many people as you've described (probably been like that to some degree myself at one time) and I've never been able to fully explain away why the absurdity of their commendable qualities and their fatal faults is so dang attractive sometimes. But you did a pretty good job of doing so.

My friend is leaving for Minnesota today amongst much hoorah and fanfare. I'm pretty bummed because I'm gonna miss the heck out of him, and I wanted to go, too, with the group going up there to wish him well. But Ti flew out last night for AL, interviewing for that job. Maybe I'll go up in a few months -- everyone's already planning that, too. Guess we'll see. Ti's actually thinking about coming too, provided we're not even further across the country. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

slh

SLH, when is Ti's interview? I would like to keep it in my prayers.

My babies are fine, thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's now, FF. Thank you so much for asking! Ti went in at 8:30 and is supposed to be in meetings most of the day. Later this afternoon, he has free rein with the rental car and so will be checking out the area. AD was really sweet about sending me links and such.

We still haven't been paid his last paycheck (was due the 5th) and it's plain to see the company he is now working for is going under. Laughing, I can say "Pesky Hurricanes" but they really were our downfall.

Prayers would be wonderful, guys.

slh

SLH, I can't help but think a change of venue might actually be helpful. I wouldn't assume it will, 'cause you still have to make sure your family's priorities come to a better balance in the new place, right?

The new place itself never fixes anything, but the explosion that happens when you relocate is an opportunity, no doubt.

GC

I agree, GC. We can just as easily make the same mistakes there as we did here, but I hope we've learned from our past.

And I do love opportunity.

How are you this morning, Superman?


slh

I'm good, SLH. Knockin' 'em down.

GC