I know SS. It's better to contribute where you can have some idea of what is happening and control your contributions a bit.

I didn't tell you this but I often go back and read your post to me about remembering Jesus's message. I should put it in my sig line so I can keep remembering it...it gets hard sometimes lately.

Thank you for that, it meant a lot to me the day I read it and it still does.



Dang, Gray. I just noticed I committed your pet peeve. Shoot, I almost never mispell that word. DEFINITELY, no "a", got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A friend of mine attended a gay rights event in SFO several years ago. there was a Guy outside the conference center with a placard proclaiming that Jesus loved them but what they were doing was wrong. So, someone from the event brought his own placard that read:

"Jesus says he loves me, but he never calls!"

-ol' 2long

How the heck is everybody?

Gray, you feelin' alright? No residual owies from the bender?

I've been having a blast camping lately; thank you all SO MUCH for the tips on what to bring. My kiddos are finally old enough to enjoy it and listen. We've spent the evenings fishing, catching lightning bugs, hiking, storytelling and star gazing (NERD ALERT: I've got a WAY COOL program on my computer that allows you to put in the date and your long and lat, and it will identify the constellations in your area. With our new green laser-pointer, we have a blast!). I've even progressed to cooking with a dutch oven and keeping my percolator from making syrup. SS, are you proud? This weekend we are going to the Frio River, and the next we are going diamond mining in Arkansas -- I can't wait. Even though I know I am only going to find quartz, I am still going to make a necklace of it!


Weaver, you are something for me to aspire to. I am loving the woman you have grown into, even more than the woman you were before.

slh

PS -- 2Long, I LOVE your new quote.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a vulcanologist. (All those fascinating issues of Pompeii in National Geographic . . .)

I think part of me still does.

I visited Pompeii a few years ago on a field workshop in Italy. Very cool place.

The things that stick in my mind about that 2day are the little tidbits of every day life you see there: ruts worn in the basalt road pavement from 2 or 300 years of chariots rolling over them; murals on walls in private homes; mosaic tile floors made from chips of marble, basalt and other rocks; the ancient equivalent of "fast food" vendors; drinking fountains (yep, they had those, 2)...

In some places, if it was quiet, it was almmost as if you could hear echoes of the people who lived there.

-ol' 2long

Way to go SLH !!

Good for you.
I hope we get to see photos.

Are you supervising solo, or is your companion coming along with you? I hope he is.

Your girls are lucky to have you. Memories like these are sweet.

What has been the most fun so far, or is it the whole experience?

We go next week, so I am trying to get ready. We'll visit Great Basin National Park, and then drive to some lakes, and go fishing the last two days.

2long, we'll be east of Beaver, up high. Do you have a favorite spot there that you like to fish?

Weaver, thanks for the comment. You made me smile. I agree with SLH, your changes look good on you. GB is a smart guy, and he knows a good thing when he finds it.
B is well?

I hope everyone is well.

SS

SS:

We like Otter Lake, south of Puffer Lake. Last year when we went there 2 fish, though, the gate was locked, as the lodge and cabins there were sold some time ago. 2 bad, it's a very peaceful spot.

If you have 4x4, when you leave Lehman Caves area 2 head east, a stop at Crystal Peak is always interesting. From a distance, it looks like a snow-capped peak, because it's a whitish volcanic plug. But it's quite a long ways on some pretty rocky dirt roads 2 get 2, though. I think you can see it from the highway between Lehman Caves and Delta.

Another place that I like a lot is Pavant Butte, about 10 miles south of Delta. Nice basalt tuff cone that erupted in2 Lake Bonneville, so it's got a prominent shore platform at the Bonneville level. And on the north side is a spectacular sea cliff at the Provo level of the lake. Both there and at Cyrstal Peak, you'll see really spectacular "tafoni weathering". And Eagles have been nesting in the hollows on the cliff at Pavant Butte.

-ol' 2long

Bender? SLH, fill me in. I don't remember one. I don't do that!

It's true that I like the beer.

Car4love is having a year-later wedding celebration this weekend in Oregon and I will be there and I'll play music. Truthfully... let's just say if I keep the focus on them instead of myself it might be fun. But people are curious about me. They'll have questions. Tinman's children will be there. They ask questions. Do you know my dad? It is incredibly stressful being around curious people who know things I don't--and don't want to--know. I wish none of it still mattered but it does.

Anyway, I'm putting my head down and doing it. I've got my ticket. Whenever I feel this kind of stress I just tell myself,

This is what it feels like to REALLY be alive.

Every sense is heightened.

GC

fender bender, Gray. Did I read correctly?


. . . This is what it feels like to REALLY be alive. . .Every sense is heightened . . .


Yep. It ain't always pretty, but it's always alive.

Oh, that. My insurance claim dude will not go to bat for me. I have to go over his head, kick it up to a claims supervisor.

I considered calling the person who hit me and calmly confronting him, but concluded that it would do little good. A person acting in poor character just cries "harassment" in a situation like that. Or hangs up on you. And I don't want to see red about it any more.

GC

Thanks 2long.

Gray -
Pain makes you feel alive?

I guess it does for me. At least, I know I'm not dead.

Smile Gray, it's good for you. Maybe even laugh a little.

SS

GC, wish car4love a lifetime of happiness from people she has never met but who care and have prayed for her.

GC, same as FF from me!

Yep, you should have our agent. The guy who hit my W's car won't re2rn calls now either. So, our agent will verify that the owner of the car isn't insured for the 2wit driving his car, and then we have $0 deductible and we just get the dent fixed.

-ol' 2long

Like the joke about the wino who wakes up in a coffin in a mor2ary display:

"If I'm alive, what am I doing here? And if I'm dead, why do I have 2 go 2 the bathroom?"

Excuse me, I have 2 go 2 the bathroom.

-ol' 2long

Camped out Friday night.
This was a boy scout scout youth leader training. We were training the boys that lead the other boys. They responded well.

I spent some time looking at the stars. I don't know much about them, but I could see the big dipper, the little dipper, the north star, and I could see Scorpio in the southern sky.

One of my friends brought a guitar. He played lots of things. Ballads, love songs, even some western ballads, and some songs he wrote himself. It was all good. I think it is so much better live and up close and personal. He let us sing along - I am not very good, but it was fun.

The night was cool, we stayed close to the fire as it got later, and later. I had a chance to think - more than I do when I am at home and busy. I thought about love, and marriage. I thought about friendship, and campfires, and stars, and the moon. Some of my thoughts were for all of you. It was a good night, I wished it could have been shared, or that we could have our own - or more than one.

We leave tomorrow morning for vacation. 5 days, and 4 nights of camping. Some hiking, some sight seeing, some fishing. I'll miss you in a way, but I'll have a blast.

Gray, I thought a lot of you, and how you are. I won't talk about it now....... it's not the time for it, and much of it ...... I doubt if I could put it to words. Please know that people care. That's for real.

I thought about car4love. Her mom, her dad, her brother. I wonder where they are, and what they are doing. I think she has sisters too, but I don't know them as well. I hope they are happy - her mom especially. We know her, and like her a lot.

"See" everyone when I get back.
Or maybe even later tonight, if I have some time.

SS

PS,
I thought a lot more, about the rest of you, but I don't have time to type it out. Thanks though, for the good thoughts.

SS

SS, the loss I experienced has long since exceeded its original dimensions. While I packed my bag to go to Oregon I took out an old book to reread. Out fell a photo of my ex that I'd formerly used as a bookmark. I didn't feel a thing. I tossed the photo in the trash with the day's junk mail. Yet...

The thing still hurts me at times. Those times are infrequent but when they come I think the right thing to do is dive into the hurt. Let me tell you.

As this weekend approached I dreaded everything about it. The more I dreaded and feared it the more I knew I should do it. That old question kept coming to me. What would you do if you weren't afraid? The answer was obvious: this.

I arrived in Portland early Saturday afternoon. I don't know how else to describe my state except to say I was incredibly sad. I skipped calling C4L right away and drove to Mt. Hood. As I drove I thought about how I was feeling and how long it's been and whether or not it makes sense for me to continue to, occasionally, suffer over those events (answer: it does). I turned on the radio to get a break and landed on a religious station, a program about grief of all things. Like magic these people were discussing the phenomenon and making points about how you have to "move toward your grief" and all that kind of thing. I laughed and shook my head; even left the station on for a while when the next program came on and the programming descended into madness.

I stopped at a trailhead, went for a long hike, took a few photos. Stopped by a river and photographed the water in 1980s long-exposure National Geographic style. Climbed and smelled the evergreens and it was not possible to feel sad with so much nature around.

Got back in the car later, and it was right back down into the gulf. Felt horrible but like before I figured it was where I was supposed to be. I returned to Portland, had dinner, added Springsteen's song "Tougher Than The Rest" to my list (awesome love song - check it out!), put my feet up and listened to Lynrd Skynrd for a while (after a lifetime of being battered with "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Freebird" I've finally discovered the band's greatness), and finally conked.

Sunday morning, drove toward the coast. Finally, finally, the wedding. It was windy and cool on the beach. C4L looked awesome. She's a real fox. They lost the ring in the sand. Someone from a group of helpful beachgoers dug it out just as they were about to give up and start the ceremony. A loopy non-denominational sort of minister delivered the ceremony. I was spared most of what she said because the wind was so loud. Heard just enough to be glad to have missed the rest. The couple and the 2+2 children between them (each has an older daughter and a younger son) huddled to hear and to keep warm. It was sweet and it made for good photos.

Later, everyone headed back to Portland and I stayed behind. There were a few hours to kill before the party. I sat on the beach and read. It started to rain and I hustled to a pub across the street where I downed a beer and finished my book.

Back in Portland, at the party, I chatted, sidestepped sticky subjects, performed tunes, and played with kids. I met C4L's mother, sister, and brother.

C4L gave me a gift. She found two old 2ndhand books from the 1960s: a 100-page C.S. Lewis screed and a book of famous historical figures' will and testaments. Nobody has ever gotten me as well as she does. The girl is too much.

I felt terrible going into the weekend. Coming out of it I feel insanely good. Making the trip was difficult but it was the right thing to do, no question.

GC

Gray, here's to car4love and her new marriage. May she be so happy that she doesn't know what to do or say.

HoFS and I are going to be out your way soon. He has an engineering conference in the Twin Cities the week of June 18. DD and I are going to join him on the 20th and spend a couple of days out at Penny's place.

Dylan (soulloss) suggested that we have a handfasting while we're there. That might just happen. I would love to invite all the people from all over the place that I know, but it's 3 weeks away. Hard to get people to come from all over the planet on a Thursday for something like that.

It's the solstice, though, and it just seems like the right thing to do. I even have clothes that I want to wear, and wrote out the beginning of the ritual. Handfastings aren't as well-planned as other things.

HoFS and I have been talking about kids again. We went to Indiana with his boys this weekend, mostly to see his parents. His mom is still in the hospital. It's been six weeks now. Friday she took two or three steps and sat in a chair for a while. She lives in a world of pain and exhaustion, though, and there's very little energy left for anything else. There are also questions about what happened when she stopped breathing when she had her heart attack. Some of what she does now seems to indicate that the lack of oxygen didn't do her thinking much good. But at other times, she seems quite alert. And she remembers haphazardly what's going on.

It was a tough visit for lots of reasons, and also a very good one. I wish we were closer by so that we could help his dad out a bit more, and visit his mom more often. She needs care that she doesn't get from the nursing staff. Stuff like putting lotion on her hands when they get dry, and making sure she has her glasses on when she wants them. The little stuff, you know?

But I'm a 10 hour drive away from there, and HoFS is 4 1/2 hours away, and there is very little we can do besides go on occasional weekends to give the regular caregivers a break.

Handfastings and major illnesses bring, perhaps naturally, the question of life to the forefront of one's mind. Life going on, fertility, the question of being fruitful and multiplying.

HoFS would rather not do that part of being married. He's got three boys. He is fulfilled, and then some, with them. He's at the stage of finishing that part of his life, if one can ever be said to be done. He wants, very much, to have time with me that is not impeded by someone who is enitrely dependent on me/us, and who really doesn't care whether we need cuddle time or not.

He worries that he couldn't give enough attention to being a parent to another child, particularly since he and I will probably live separately for several years after we marry. He doesn't want to come home to me, after five days apart, and have me hand him a colicky baby and tell him "yours now. I'm going to bed."

He worries, rightly, about the almost inevitable negative effect it would have on our relationship.

He's right to worry about all those things. I have no rational response, no solution, no "here's how we fix it" answer.

And I want to raise more children.

It came to the foreground again this weekend, led to a conversation about it. It's a tough conversation. I see and understand how he feels. I would be more than willing to take it into account. And yet -- how can I give any real assurances that the things he worries about -won't- happen?

He worries that he's holding me back, keeping me from my dreams, from the truest of my heart's desires. He might be right.

And so we dance, standing silently together, me in tears and him hurting so bad that tears won't fall. And so we dance, and we love, and the pain of love interweaves the quiet places where there are no words at all.

Wow.

Heavy stuff from gc and JJ.

I have 2 head out the door soon, but I wanted 2 say that my thoughts are with you.

I really hope that helps.

-ol' 2long