After seeing some of the emotions aroused by some of the issues, and sometimes feeling pangs when I hear the musings of WS. I got to thinking that maybe a private forum would be a good idea. I also think that when someone is on this site and looking for guidance, even if very "foggy" that being flamed by those reacting to their own personal griefis not the best way to support tham.

I note that there is one for pregnancy so I gueass it is possible.

I do think that imput by BS would be needed, but perhaps a few of the oldtimers who have a leaning towards tyring to help WS find their way might be willing to participate in such a forum.

Anyway, just a suggestion
C&S

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: confused&scared ]</small>

C&S - Forget it. We've already been through this. We had a WW's thread going, but they got run out of here. Even asked the mod's to consider, since practically nobody posts on PlanA/B. But apparently it is out of the question.

c&s:

Penny Tupy has such a board on her forum www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com under "Reclamation".

-ol' 2long

C&S, perhaps just one thread at a time requesting input from WS only. Certainly some BS's might post but for the most part I think the request would be honored. I find it very sad when anyone is chased from here. "every man is my superior in that I may learn from him".

I am glad that she does. I just think that if I were a W spouse (I am or was a BS) that I would have to be very brave to post honestly here after reading some of the threads here (particularly today). My husband has never posted here but if he had I would hate to see him crucified as he would have run off. I would rather that he was listened to, guided told the hard truths in a repectful way so that he might have been helped.

I just think that for some the emotions are just to raw to see things objectively at times (myself included) and a private forum here would be an asset to the board.
C&S

OT, Hey Donna!!! Is your H out of town again, or were you just DRAWN to the DRAMA here today?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So good to see you. Very comforting for me. How's that thesis coming???

Spidey

I'll bite.

This IS a discussion board...so I'll throw in another opinion.

No.. I don't think there SHOULD be a "private forum". That goes against every MARRIAGE BUILDING principle I've ever read.

I'm neither condemning or condoning today's "debate/discussion"...it happens...and I will read, but I will not post there. That's my right, and my privledge. Just like everyone else has.

The bottom line is this is a public discussion forum, open to people interested in building better marriages. I can totally understand the privacy of the Pregnancy board...that carries ramifications I can't even comprehend...but WS....no.

I help, listen...and comfort MANY a WS....no prejudice here at all.... I won't participate in "getting over the OP" discussions...or how difficult it is...or "how much they miss them"...and that was what happened in one such thread. It turned into a spin off of TOW board. Made me physically ill.

BUT... the interest of EVERYONE...posting on the INFIDELITY boards...should be their marriage...period.

I stick with my original sentiment...a "Private Forum" for WS...goes directly AGAINST..the Harley principles of SAA.

I respect you opinion Betrayed and understand where you are coming from.

I do wonder how many WS there are out there that have left the board after being on the receiving end of an expression of someones anger.

I do not think that any of us need to be treated with kid gloves. Some of the posts that helped me the most early in this I found a bit confronting at first read, but then thought about what had been posted to me and gained from them.

But I just think that if a WS has found his way to this board that there is some chance that she may be looking for a way home. I just think we might lose a few due to a minority of posts that might scare them off.

While now I can hear a WS lamenting his Love for OP and his "displeasure" with his spouse, back in my early post DDay times I found that they were very painful to read and I would lose a lot of hope for my own marriage.

I do think it is a shame if we lose people that might need some help.
C&S

C&S,
Okay...thank you for the opportunity to discuss.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let me put this out there....and tell me what you REALLY think.... and I mean really...NOT a knee jerk response.

#1.IF...a WS really wants to recovery their M... would anything on this BOARD..prevent that ?

#2.Could a marriage...be recovered WITHOUT the help of this board ?

#3. In SPITE of this board.... dozens of posts from dozens of supporters...do WS fall off the NC wagon inspite of not ever receiving a single 2X4 ?

So to sum it up ...in total....how much impact do you really think this board has ?

Of course I can't speak for ALL WS... I only know my own up close and personal....but the decision to come home...end A...and rebuild the M...solely HIS..and his alone...nothing anyone said...or didn't say...would have ANY bearing on that.

Does that give you enough to chew on ?

p.s. And if a WS flees the board...what are the really fleeing from ?

again...speaking for my OWN WS..and not any elses....nothing ANYONE, could EVER write on here... could hurt him...more than his very own actions.

Hey, Confused&Scared, I said HELLO!!!!!

Geez, do I have to YELL to get your attention???

OK, everyone, go back to your most EXCELLENT discussion. Great reading. Love it lots.

BYE!

Spidey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
So glad you're liking this one.

Sorry Spidey I was away posting to you. I started a new thread for it.

Hi Betrayed I will try and answer your questions

1/ No. I don't think if they really wanted to recover marriage that ANYTHING could stop them.

However if they are heading further and further into a life of their own choosing that may not sit well with what were once their own morals that a visit to this board might be a last little glimmer of them trying to hang on to the person they once were.

I think some WS who come here might not initially have th intention of saving their marriage. But by reading here on the site and the forums and receiving some of the excellent advice I have seen given them over the last three years that I have been a member here, that at least some of them might be encouraged to give their marriage another shot.

2/ Of course a marriage does not need this board to recover. My own early reconciltaion (not recovery) occured prior to my finding this board. I will say that reading here certainly helped me though. I think that the board should not be seen as counseling but as a support. I think that counseling is important. That is what helped me the most. However I have read on here some who have recovered without that as well.

3/ Yes. I think that if a WS is going to have contact that nothing can stop them.

I do think though that you are misinterpreting one thing. I am not saying that WS should be handled with kid gloves. As I said, the posts that got through to me the most were the hardest for me to hear. But I have seen some extremely angry posting towards WS in my time here. And I actually think that in today's drama that Noodle's post was misinterpreted and reacted to. I didn't think that she was advocating violence towards adulterers. It was just an example of how miscommunication andinflamed emotions can detract from the initial purpose of a thread and send the person looking for some support scurrying away. The initial topic is all but forgotten in the process.

How much impact does the board have?

I don't know. As far as WS are concerned in my own personal case absolutely none as he has never visited this site and so it made no impact on him whatsoever. For me some impact but my marital recovery was not reliant upon this board. At times very early I would be ready to throw in the towel and would read something inspirational on here that would improve my mindset and encourage me. Nowadays if I come here it is to catch up with the few old friends I have made, and occassionally of I see someone who I think I want to support I will post to them.

But maybe there is some marriage out there right now on the brink of falling apart where a person might come here and read . And the seeds might be sewn to reconsider and give the marriage another shot. I think that to recover a whole lot more is needed than this board. I think you will see by the number of my posts that I am not a prolific participant of the site and have not relied on this site as my only means of recovering my marriage.

If a WS flees the board sometimes I think it is to avoid facing head on what they are actually doing. I think they are avoiding facing themselves. Ocassionally I think it is because they are on the receiving end of a lot of negative posts ( and note I don't mean constractive criticism here, I mean personal attacks which fortunately don't happen all that often).

I am glad that your spouse would not be hurt by anything on here. But I know that if I were some of the posters here I would be hurt by some of the responses even if I had hurt myself by hurting my own spouse. And if I was not yet ready to reenter my marriage but nevertheless reaching out to feel the way home that that might make me give up that idea. But then maybe I think that because I am not as straong as some people and feel things that others might not.

Anyway hope I have aswered questions OK.
Perhaps you are right. I don't know. Thats why I asked the question. Just a suggestion. Thanks for the discussion
C&S

Thanks C&S,
I can see your points.
I'd have to do some more thinking on this.

Now you have me thinking about what role this board plays in my own recovery.

Like you...for me... it was invaluable to know my feelings were normal..particularly during early recovery...had it not been for others in my own place...I would have convinced myself that I was NEVER going to get over this.

My H...posted 2 times in total...reads often. Applies principles...but doesn't get involved the way I do...sometimes thinks I'm here a little too often.

But...now I'm going to really think about the role the BOARD played....and I'm going to seperate the BOARD...from the Harley principles..because one CAN be used without the other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was thinking the same exact thing. WS's need a safe place to post without fear of nasty replies. I have come to realize that we see things very differently due to our strong feelings. MB is not a place for a WS with thin skin to post. It's very rough to be doing your best (and most WS's that visit here are) and be burned down for your different view point. I separate thread will not do - while most would respect the thread and not post a nasty reply - soem would, I have seen it happen.

I sincerely doubt this forum would be abused. I would see it as more of a tool for the wiser WS's to enlighten the new WS's in a safe environment. Maybe a wise older WS could moderate to be sure we don;t start talkin chicks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S. I think a 2x4 is much more effective in the hands of fellow WS!

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: SleeplessInSF ]</small>

I've requested a link from Star*fish for another site. After yesterday- and the posts today on noodle's thread I don't think I want to continue to post here. Perhaps another forum would be helpful.

wait wait wait...............I'm coming with you!

Deleted because the ugliness it contained outweighed any truth hoped to convey. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 04:23 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Weaver - Please don't go! Your kind words have helped so many people.

I read all of the posts from yesterday but didn't want to get involved so I didn't post. I didn't think they were that bad. Why? It think it helps to hear all points of view, even if some can come across as cruel. If we treat everyone with kid gloves then we don't get meaningful discussions going. I found everyone's input interesting even if I didn't agree with it.

Weaver, I don't know if you'll be back to read this but I couldn't help seeing your sig is a Leonard Cohen song.

Do you remember our poetry thread and when I asked you if you knew Leonard Cohen's poems?

I don't know but for some reason that made me cry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I too can't come back here. I don't need a board any more and I used to think I was a bit of help around the place but not any more.

Jen

I sincerely hope that NONE of you will leave. What this board needs is a balance of input. Now that I am also a WS, I ask each of you to stay.

WS's have been run off this board before. Please, please don't go.

I let my WH know about this board over a year and a half ago. He has chosen not to read or post. But if he did come here, I would have wanted others to be kind and supportive to him, at least until he felt comfortable here.