MBer's,

Found out Friday that STBX met the conditions I placed for an attempt at recovery.

I'm encouraged that she did it. But I'm scared too. Scared to open it up all over again and expose my vulnerable spots to her.

Especially after reading how many false recoveries occur. Especially seeing Penny's tragic situation.

I don't think I want to survive a false recovery.

I'm a planner, and right now I don't have a plan. I feel directionless.

The main thing that scares me most ... is how cruel STBX was during the A. The overt nastiness, in your face cruelty and abuse, it gives me pause as to what dwells under her skin. What could erupt again? But at the same time I want to have hope for her, at least for my kids sake.

Honesty, I worry I won't get it from her. I still don't think she "gets it" about what has happened to us, what she let happen to her.

We have to find a marriage counselor now.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't feel love for her, right now, not even a little.

.

Quick post another post!!! Look at your post count#66@!!! Not a good omen!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It's great you're scared. It's when you're too comfortable ..that's the issue. THAT is how many false recoveries happen.

Take it slow..at a rate YOU are comfortable with..remember it's not a sprint..it's a marathon.

Give yourself plenty of time to think before you act or say anything.

First learn how to really start communicating. This way when issues come up..you won't have to teach yourselves communication 101 on the fly.

Learn how to signal each other when a discussion gets tender...walk away from it before emotion takes over..come back to another time..when you can deal with it better.

Everyone makes mistakes..even you..so don't expect miracles...expect a lot of hard work..commit to it..and take one step at a time.

Expect backslides, awkwardness, and the feeling the FLEE frequently very early on. It's all part of a healing process.

No LBs... remember safe harbor..the lighthouse..stay in your new Plan A...now that Plan B has worked.

Keep venting, and coming for advice.

Good Luck !! This is good news.

.

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: InLikeFlynn ]</small>

ILF,

Dang, your right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm a superstitous Son of a Gun too. Now I'm going to think about this for weeks. Maybe it is a bad omen. I don't feel good about it like I thought I would back in June.

BIJ,

I have had the feeling to Flee already. I'm afraid she's not going to do the committing part. During our marriage she has mostly been a "do what I feel at the time I feel it". It is hard to feel any security with an attitude or behaviors like that. Can it change ... can she ... does she think she should ....?

I'm quickly talking myself out of all this.

.

Maybe its just "buyers remorse."

Wow, TJ. A little unexpected. I'm not sure what to say!!

If you proceed with this, pleaaaaaaseeeeee go slowly. If she does not have an understanding of what has happened that is a huge red flag to me (like you need *another* red flag)!!

The only recommendation I have at the moment is to let HER find the MC and you have final approval.

Wow, I will be praying for you very very hard, TJ. I can understand how scary this might be. I'll bet it's pretty scary for her too.

Tom - Well the good part is that you don't have to make any instant decisions. Take your time and see how things go. While it would be wonderful for your kids, be sure to take care of Tom. Remember, you want a marriage MUCH BETTER than before.

Prayers to you and your wife.

Tom Taod -what I did to have Wh understand what he did was I printed off sections of MB and gave them to him slowly. As he would not read them on line. I printed off the one What is an affair and others. I left them next to his chair in living room and he finally started taking them to work in the am. I do not think he really read them for the first couple of months but then finally sat down and really read them. I knew he had when he called me one day and said I read the article on What is an affair. He thought his Ea was nothing. He said I am so sorry and now I see what I have done- I decieved ou. I am so so sorry. He still feels the Ow was ok but that will come in time. He knows when I said I never would do that to you -don't you see how different I am from her? Did not get an answer but I know he thinks about it. Now he is so demonstrative all the time and is great in the bedroom. He is hugging me and kissing all the time. I think he is worried I will have an A something he does not need to worry about. Good Luck and hope things work out. Just thought this might help..

Think of this post as a weather balloon. Taking measurements....

HAS YOUR WIFE FULLY and SINCERELY APOLOGIZED TO YOU FOR HER AFFAIR AS WELL AS FOR HER CRUEL TREATMENT OF YOU POST AFFAIR????

Pep

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Wow....
I know that must be scary. Take things very slow. Protect yourself!!!! I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Hey..maybe in a year you'll be back here saying how wonderful your marriage is. Think positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thinking of ya!!!!!

That's a good point Realtor, I never thought about it like that.....we are different from the OP's in that we couldn't/wouldn't inflict that kind of damage on another person.

Tom -

I know this must be scary....but maybe she's finally woken up and smells the coffee.

I think it's probably good to be scared, I know I would be.

I tend to want this all over like YESTERDAY, and yet...if my H came to me today and said he wanted to repair our marriage and move back in together...I'm really in no position to accept. I mean I'd love to hear those words, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through a false recovery either.

I think I'd have to have ALL my boundaries in place, but it appears you have.

Why don't you just get the MC going.....and take it from there, that way maybe you'll get your apology, or at least have a better understanding of her POV.

I'd love to know my WH's POV on any of this....sheesh.

Anyway, point of the post....I think it's a good thing, I think you'll be okay and it's good you're protecting yourself.

-Caren

Tom, wow. Could you tell us how she went about offering to do this, and what your conditions were. I'm curious, but I also feel it might be good for us here to decide whether or not they're tough enough.

GC

Good Call graycloud, I 2nd that.

-Caren

Hey TJ,

I am gonna put this in a guy's POV.... ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When the ball is in your court, you can either play or ask for a timeout, right? Even stop the game if you want. It is now your ball.

Ok buddy, just because she met some or all of the plan B requirements doesn't mean you gotta jump in with 2 feet and your eyes closed.

Instead you check out those waters and if they are too cold, you stay out. If they are too hot, you stay out. If they are just right, you still take your time to wade in slowly. Gotta make sure that warm refreshing feeling is in all the water surrounding you.

Otherwise, go find another place to swim in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you are afraid of swimming, wear a life preserver. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> One with good support (you know like coaching with Jennifer or a good nearby MC)?

Got it?

L.

Ace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , TY. The selection of an MC is a source of great anxiety for me. She seems eager to start though, and even suggested we attend the next Retrovaille in our area.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer said:
Remember you want a marriage much better than before </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Believer, I do. And I have expressed this to STBX often.

Realtor, TY
My STBX lurks here. Sometimes she surprises me about things she has read here as well. She has both HNHN and SA. I wish she would read them so we could be on the same pages with a common understanding. In the past two days my STBX has been very affectionate, something that has been uncommon for her even before the A.

PEPPERBAND,
I don’t know!!! I mean she would think she has. But not to my satisfaction. She has apologized on several occasions … brief apologies ( but still with a hint of justification I feel) I have gotten these from her off and on since early December. Each time they seem more genuine, and complete. Maybe she is getting more out of the fog as time passes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . She has not really apologized for her treatment of me.

TR, I’m way gun shy right now. Trying to be careful.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CarenMc wrote:
Why don't you just get the MC going.....and take it from there, that way maybe you'll get your apology, or at least have a better understanding of her POV.

I'd love to know my WH's POV on any of this....sheesh.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t know if I want to know that. It might set me back even farther. She’s shared some of that during her A and it is just so foreign to me. I think we will need a good MC, and be willing partners.

GC,
These were the 6 conditions I asked for before we could consider exploring a reconciliation.

1. No Contact with OP. (She maintains she has had NC since December 8th)
2. Total Complete honesty about everything. Open herself up so I can check and verify whatever I need.
3. Individual Counseling.
4. Inform her attny that SHE wants to reconcile and notify my attny of her desire.
5. Her home-wrecking, affair enabling friends not allowed inside our home if I return. (she thought this was a bit harsh, I don’t)
6. Understanding and remorse for her actions.

Orchid,
Thankyou for that because, for some reason, I felt an obligation after I got the last piece of the Plan B puzzle on Friday.

And I am just dipping a big toe in the water right now. I’m worried that I will not wait until the water is the right temperature, and instead try to let my body adjust to the temp of the water. But if I do that … eventually it will be to cold or too hot and become extremely uncomfortable.

.

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

TOM:

You just received everything that you have been hoping for for a long time. Congratulations. It was just a matter of time till your wife came back and asked for another chance. Good for you. I am happy for you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LM

TJ,

Jeepers (I love that word)...what a turn of events. I will continue to be a cyber voyeur to see what you do. Your situation and WW is similar to mine, and I now wonder what I would do if given that "opportunity". I'm starting to feel like it's a “be careful what you wish for” scenario. My children are quite young...that detail really factors into my decision process.

Good luck Tom,

Binder

I was just thinking.....I truly don't know what I would do if my WH wanted to come back and did everything he could to prove his love for me. I would be torn but I still believe my decision would be NO! Too much has happened and I don't know if I could ever get past it all.
It's never going to happen anyway. He's done with his "family".

Trust comes back with time. I love how Dr Phil talks about the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Your wife will have to create that past of trustworthy behavior, and until she does you are going to be gunshy.

My husband met all of my requirements (save one) and has maintained that since he agreed, the night before our first court date. He's been completely open to me and its over time that the panicked "fight or flight" sensation has calmed down for me.

If she's meeting requirements and following thru with actions, then stick your toe in and see what happens. You'll know pretty quickly whehter or not its genuine.

Oh and dont expect her to get it all right the first time. It took us both awhile to adjust to our new relationship post-A. And the apologies at first were not all I wanted. Those came later as he reconnected with me emotionally and saw upclose the damage done.

And now, its been 4 years almost. He still apologizes on occaision. When we have a fight, he can still be nasty and unfair and downright cruel. But guess what, he NEVER uses the affair. And the one time he realized that I thought he was threatening an affair again if I didn't shape up, he immediately backed up, and thoroughly apologized, explained himself, and started over, in mid fight - something HE NEVER DOES for anything else. Was something that still has me shaking my head in wonder.

I'm more over the affair than he is now. Alot of it has to do with the fact that I have worked quite hard on me, and learned alot abotu how tough I was during his A.

I learned to trust me, trust my feelings and my ability to discern the truth from bs, etc.

That's why I am ok, and he still isn't. Though the apologies that come out of his guilt are still nice!

You'll be ok too. Just trust yourself to know if this is going the right way. It will only take a couple of weeks tops, I am sure. Rarely takes too much longer.