Spider and Kloe...your words speak volumes and I do truely listen and try to impart that wisdom thru this thick skull of mine.

I am going to sit tight on the vacation plans, if it ends up a bust at least I will be prepared. But more importantly I am going home right now to do some serious praying.

Spider you are not too harsh. As you said we all need someone to light that fire. And I take it from you with graciousness. I am going to sart taking one day at a time working on letting go and moving past this pain to a better me. I honestly have no more energy left for WH. Right now I don't want to go to that place he is in...I am sad for him but he has brought this one himself. I will take your advice and not be around when he needs to stop by. He intends to come over tonight to help with DD's injections.
Not sure what to do with that.

Homer - We know this isn't easy, we've been there. It's so easy for us to sit here and tell you what to do, we aren't dealing with all the raw pain. I know I didn't always listen to the advise that was given to me. I was paralized by fear and pain. Looking back there are so many things I would have done differently. You have to do what you feel is right in your situation. We have been through this and luckily Spidey and I were able to save our marriages. Now we want to help other people get there. I hate to see people make the same mistakes I made. We're here for you, just hang in there.

Made plans not to be home when WH came to get the DD's. DD asked where I was going and I told her out with friends. When I got home WH was there waiting for me to help with injection. Of course he did his snotty thing. He gave the shot while I cuddled DD10. She said it was better than the 1st time. Then WH started instructing both of us how we should try it tonight. His instructions included physically having me put my arms around him and him grabbing a hold of my butt. I had to laugh to myself because I couldn't tell if he was trying to be affectionate with me or not.

Anyhow DD's had a good time with WH. He stayed awhile to work on taxes and I went to bed. Didn't hear him leave. I am planning on not contacting him for any reason this week, and letting him do all the work. Although I will have to see him at least twice due to Dr appts and play rehearsals.

Great start, Homer. And if he tries to throw any WS fogspeak at you, like, "Are you punishing me? Why are you ignoring me? Why are you being mean to me?"

Just calmly tell him that you are simply abiding by his wishes. He has moved out, made it clear he wanted some space and time. You are giving that to him, respecting his wishes. And just leave it at that.

I PROMISE you, Homer, this is the FASTEST way for them to find out what they really want. It gives them a real taste for what the future would be like. Because in his mind, most of the time, he truly believes a life without Homer would be better for him. Maybe that is really true, maybe that is fog-thinking. But the fastest way to find out is to give it to him.

Please post things here that he does and says. I expect he will test you. It is funny, but for all the ways they blame us BS's for "controlling" them, they sure do spend a lot of time trying to control US, don't they? But, don't try telling him that, pointing it out to him, or anything. He just can't see it right now.

It is all very normal. I hope that gives you some sort of hope. I used to find it comforting. When I got here, and the vets told me my then-WH was acting perfectly WS-normal, I was relieved. It is part of the sickness, NOT you. And it must run its course.

You are simply speeding up the process by using the techniques you learn here. Take care, and keep posting! That is so important. Especially since something that is devestating to you, we might recognize and say, "Oh, that is normal, continue your plan, on your own path."

Continue to ask God to give you the strength to hear and follow His plan, not your own. He has a Divine Plan of happiness for you. That might be with your H, or without your H. Be still and quiet and listen to Him.

Spidey

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Homer - How are you doing today? What do you have planned just for you?!?

Kloe...thanks for checking in. Last night I attended my Thurs "Reclaiming your life after Divorce/seperation" class. Went out for dinner before hand with classmates. I felt good for once...there was some very attractive men sending me some signals. Made me remember that I am attractive and if WH doesn't want me someone else will (when I'm ready).

Today I am getting ready to have friends over for
a night of cards and games. I am looking forward to it. However as I get closer to Sunday when we leave on vacation, I am getting concerned. Guess I am a little afraid of what will happen in the sense that if WH treats me poorly over the 8 days we are together...it will be my signal that our M is just not meant to be. So I need to remind myself not to be looking for signs or reading anything into what he says or does.

I am concerned about the SF thing. I am almost certain he will avoid that at all costs, but what if he initiates something. Last time we did he felt bad afterwards because he said he realized that he was just using me. Spider said her FWH said that too...I am feeling I should just tell him NO, not until he decides what he is doing in regards to our marriage. But is that an LB?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Guess I am a little afraid of what will happen in the sense that if WH treats me poorly over the 8 days we are together...it will be my signal that our M is just not meant to be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Homer, let me tell you ~ he WILL treat you poorly on the vacation. He is a fogged-out WS! Even worse, he will be a fogged-out WS who is unable to get a "fix" of his feel-good feelings. I REALLY don't think you should go on this "vacation." I don't know how it can be anything but miserable for everyone involved. Your poor kids, having to be exposed to that, with nowhere for them to get away from it!

My FWH and I and the kids went to Disneyland about a month after he moved home. Even with BOTH of us actively working on rebuilding our M, being in MC, and totally committed to staying together, we had some ROUGH days. Please don't underestimate the damage that has been done. This is not a phase your WH is going through ~ he is very messed up right now. He is not going to just "snap out of it."

If you are looking to his behavior for the answer to if your M will survive or not, or is "meant to be" or not, you are going to be feeling hopeless. One thing I can guarantee is that his behavior is going to be horrible. Does that mean your M isn't "meant to be?" NO! It means he is sick, and needs some time and space to clear his head. And like I have told you, the best way to do that (the fastest way) is to give him what he wants.

My FWH and I did not have SF until he decided to move back home and work on the M. Personally, I don't know how BS's whose H's are still wayward would want SF with them. If your WH wants a D so bad, why does he still want to "use" you for SF? He can't do that if he D's you, so show him NOW the natural consequences for that decision. That is my personal opinion.

I'm glad you are doing all that other stuff, with the class, and the friends, and such. Please do something about the "vacation." I know you already paid and stuff, but, well, some things are just better lost than going through HE!! for, IMO.

Spidey