DS,
AS with many others you have touched me. I have'nt read all your posts but wished i had.I am the FBS. My H had a three month A with a co worker. I found out around X-mas.Since this hestopped contact has a new job and we have found a love that was lost years ago. I am 31 he is 30. We have been together since we were 14.I think you might be the one who can help me.after reading your posts in the begining you sounded just like my H. I do believe how sorry he is. The card your H gave you i picked the same one out but thought it was to soon. Now i wished i gottin it.My H and i never were able to open up with eachother.Towards the end of last yr when this A started We was never home he worked full time with over time and went to school full time with alot of homework. So he was very stressed.Then add his A on top he was even more stressed.I won't excuse him but this Ow told him and others her H beat her and they were getting a D. Also told my H time after time she wanted to have sex with him and i would'nt find out.I quess in Nov he gave in.
He told me he did'nt think that i loved him anymore and all this OW told him was good things about himself. That thing about me not loving him i believe because i did'nt think he loves me. I tried at the end of Nov to write him and was afraid to give it to him. We hardly said those three little words.And come to find out we were both very much in love with eachother> That made things worse on his part.We found this love we never thought was there.
My big thing now is it took up until a few weeks ago for everything to come out.He said it was only once they tried to have sex and i quess it was five. The other thing i did'nt know he did go to her house.everything else i knew. The OW H made her call just when i got back on my feet. I told him stuff that she told everyone about them getyting a D and about him hitting her. Quess what she lied.She even tried telling me my H wanted to still Pursuse this. Which was a lie.
Reading your posts have helped me the most. Alot of people have negitive feed back on those who have cheated.My H is so very sorry. When i write this here not everyone has nothing good to say. I believe he will never even think of doing this again.This has detroyed him.He has changed as a person. And for the better.He is a much better father and a much better Husband.
From your point of view does it really hurt you to keep going over your A?
I try so hard to not bring it up. But i always do. I know it bothers him to talk about.He gets sick. Then he gets worried that i won't get better.We end up in tears. I really want to move on. I know we will be happy. He has givin up so mush in the past few months to make his family better. At one point he was even going to quit school. I wound'nt let him and now on Sat he will have his Bachlors Degree.He says hes not even excited about it.He has more imporant things to worry about.
He never loved this OW nor did she love him at least i don't think she did.The way it looks to me i don't want to say it but my H was used.Her H was always on the road.
After there last call we changed our phone number. I want to move on.
Is there advice you can give me. I believe how very sorry you are. I believe how very sorry my H is.I also hate to admitt this but if this A did'nt happened he would not of realized how very much we loved eachother.
Did it take you a while to get everything out? My H says he cound'nt tell me everything because he was afraid he would lose what he just found. He does say everything is out.He has also said this before.He says there is no more to tell.

Any Advice
Lastinglove
Thanks

Yes. And not for the reasons some BS's think. I am not missing the OM, I am not pining for the times I miss with him. It reminds me of the biggest worst thing I have EVER done in my life, something that I may now lose my husband and my marriage and marr my kids lives. It took me 3 weeks to get out all the lies. I wanted to lie to H to protect him from the real details....H persisted hard though and I got it all out.

Now we don't discuss it. Right now, he just reminds me that I had it everytime we argue. Everything comes back to the A, and how he didn't chose to be in the place he is, I did. If I hurt, it comes back to the A, if I have something to discuss, it comes back to the A. I personally struggle with the remorse and shame and have come a VERY long way. When we go through days of no mention - I feel so good about myself. Then we have days of it, I start to doubt my progress. Doubt who I am - start to believe maybe I am just a piece of sh*t after all - not a nice way to feel.

H was very afraid I had more to tell him, but I did get it all out. And I believe he knows that - although now he has come to his own conclusions of why I had the affair, that are reasons and conclusions that I don't agree with. But it's been 4 months since I have thrown a new detail at him, as there is no new detail to throw at him. he knows it all - plain and simple.

It helped him in the beginning, it hasn't helped him now. I am on the brink of losing my marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> he is in a dark place right now.

You are a very patient wife, and your H is so lucky to have a wife that has seen some good, that your love for eachother was realized out of it. Trust your instinct. They were right about the affair, they are probably right now when ou feel how sorry he is.

As the people in here say - actions are louder to words. Just watch his actions, and cherish the gift you guys have been given to have a new start and to do things right this time around!

-ds

Thank you for your responce. I don't know why your stories help me. I quess i see my H in you.I do know how very sorry and ahsamed my H feels.I just don't know how to shut my month. I don't start arguements i just get upset so easy.Every day i wake up happy and he tells me he loves me something he never did before. I say to myself okay i'm moving on. I know we will be happy. See unlike everyother BS i know my H don't miss the OW. I know deep down he got into something and could'nt get out of it.I just want to move on. I keep thinking this other couple is not happy so they don't want us to be happy.I want them out of ourlives.

I wish you all the luck in the world.I don't even know you but you have helped me. I do know just by reading a few posts how sorry you are. I hope your H will realize that and stay. You seem like a very good person who i think will get that second chace.

LL

thanks

unfortunately it's no longer about how sorry I am - he knows that. Now it is about his feelings for me - while you guys found love, so did we to begin with, but now he feels it was false hope, that perhaps he married me for all the wrong reasons.

Right now he (and has said so much as) would be happier if I lost these 25lbs I need to lose, looks prettier, etc. Even though I no longer worry about an EA with the other girl, he has little friends right now, and she is one of them. And he refuses to give that up. He doesn't see the problem I am having when he tells me- Yes he enjoys talking to her more than me right now, yes she is a better friend than me right now, yes he is more comfortable around me than her right now. He says - just like his male friends. He tells me to trust him and get over it. So I am. You know if he was trying at home, having conversations with me, being my friend, enjoying my company, I would be having NO problem with her. It's not about trust. It's how hurt I am that she gets more attention to me. His business phone call last night - I could hear in his voice the way he talked to her - it's as a caring friend, concerned about how sick she is, telling her not to worry about work - to get better. The way he talked to me as a friend. I don't worry about the EA happening - I don't think it would. I just hurt that it's not me. His reasoning is, he may be alone soon, and he wont get rid of the friends that will be there when he is alone, and she is one of them - that he will need her.

So I am done with that. There is nothing I can do about it - and as for the 25lbs - I need to lose it. He also wants some things sexually, that I cannot provide for him - and so he feels we are no longer sexually compatible. We had some sex issues before the A that we hadn't dealt with - now they are the focus, as if we were never meant to work out.

It's past me being sorry now - he knows how sorry I am and I don't thin khe doubts that, It's about whether my husband wants me or not anymore. And whether he wants to work on the marriage... I am tarnished in his eyes, and dirty.

All I see are solutions to our former problems that have been brought to light, but all he sees now is how incomapatble we really are, that maybe we should have never married to begin with. That these things are signs of how much we shouldn't be together. Things his mom said about our fun little arguements, now haunt him as truths - he feels those were all warning signs, all pointing to the mistake he made in marrying me....how do you fight that?

-ds

DS,

You are entering the time when most BS's deeply question their decision to work on the marriage. It has been speculated here for yeats about the reason for this. The reason I like is that they KNOW the marriage can be safe. They KNOW the WS is remorseful and will do their best for the marriage. But, now the top they have kept on the pressure cooker can be removed and a lot of steam has to be let off.

I truely believe if he doesn't do something stupid like have an EA or PA with this girl, your marriage will make it. Give it a few months and see what happens. It is sort of buyers remorse. But, often the BS gets over it.

As for the sex things, see if you two can find a compromise that meets both of your needs in this area. This is a very touchy subject for a BS expecially if the A went to a PA, because they imagine that the WS did all sorts of things for the OP. Some WS's do actually. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But, also consider this a time for possible growth.

Negotiate with him, be somewhat open minded, but recall you are not required to overstep your boundaries. You did NOT give away yourself when you decided to work on this marriage.

Just some thoughts. I will stop the thread jack now and let you two continue your conversation.

God Bless,

JL

Funny you should use those words. His words to me last night were he feels as if our marriage were like a car he can't afford - he has to make the payments and keep it - but he regrets buying it.

Thanks JL. Sometimes it hard - because he reminds me that I have no rights, or makes me feel guilty about asking for them. Many boundaries he wont keep. Most I haven't put any on - but the big on was to do with SF, and medically I can't - I have tried, it makes things worse.

I remember when we were first recovering - we were communicating, and SF was amazing. Right now - he remembers only 1 time in our WHOLE marriage where he felt amazing in bed - he thinks he is a poor lover. He is a GREAT lover, but we ran into some ruts, long before the A, sme bad habits that we both got into, instead of dealing with things.

I am not going anywhere - it's just hard to get hurt by his words all the time. Just because I had an A and hurt him deeply, doesn't mean I do not have feelings. And as a WS, sometimes I just feel guilty about feeling hurt, like I have no right to. It's a tough balance sometimes.

Today is just a bad day - feeling very ugly and unwanted due to the conversation - looking forward to my group prayer time tonight.

-ds

I wish my cindy would read this thread. She used to post on here with me and has since stopped because she felt alone and mis understood..or so she tells me. amybe soon she will post again.

Deeply Sorry,
You are entitled to having your feelings hurt too. Just because we are a WS doesn't mean we are still human. Have you and your husband tried counseling? Is he open to that. If you do get a counselor be sure they are the right person for both of you as a couple. There are some quacks out there. Fortunately there are some great counselors too who are great mediators and who are able to help both of you as a couple view things in an objective manner. Not from an emotional one. Sounds like you were missing something in your marriage. That is why you went for attention outside of your marriage. Sometimes it is not conscientious. A lot depends on the circumstances you are going through at the time. A good friend once told me that when an affair happens, the marriage is not over, it just needs a tune up to help get it on track again. Something has gone wrong and the affair is the outward sign that something needs to be fixed. Her husband had an affair the first year they were married and she realized that she was a workaholic and was not spending the quality time she needed with her spouse. He was needy and he reached out to someone who was responsive. It happens more than we know. They worked on their marriage and have been married for 30 years and looking at them now, you would never have known what they went through.

Hang in there. Take each day at a time. Have patience. Get a good support group. Write in a journal your thoughts and emotions each day as well as your prayers. Look back at the journal a year from now and you will be amazed at the progress that you make. Not all marriages are to be. But try your best if you think that yours is meant to last.
If there is one ounce of hope and love for your spouse and for your children give it a try.

We are all here to help you.

God Bless,

Gypsy Wind.

My support group at the church tonight was so great. I have registered to start the purpose driven Step program called Celebrating Recovery - it takes about 8 months and we are put in small confidencial groups of 4-5 women to work through the Recovery process.

I am so excited - meanwhile,on wednesday are the Celebrating Recover Support Groups - i am so blessed to have found this church. Tonight was a great night - made my day alot better.

-ds

Last night was a good night. After the church support group - I had my sense of self back again and came home in a good mood and we rented a movie, watched it, and fell asleep together. This morning I cuddled him and he cuddled back. Today is a GREAT day. Thanks for weathering the bad days with me guys!

-ds

DS,
I'm glad to hear you had a great nite. Hope their are more to come.I'm glad you have a support group. I think my problem sometimes is this is the onlt form of suppory i have. We decided to keep this to oursleves.The only other person who knew was our MC.which we really don't see since my H switched jobs.We have no INS right now.

I hoping you can answer some more questions. Do you hate going over and over the A?My H gets sick and upset.He says he don't want those images in his head.How about the reason why? My H says he was twisted,confused and even went on saying what an evil person he was.He will let me take no responceability for this what so ever.He said it was all him.
I asked him why he thought i did so much for him if i did'nt want to be here and he says he did'nt see it for what it was.He says when he looks back he don't even want to think about it. And knowing i did actully love him tears him apart.
My problem is i want to know everything. Why can't me knowing yes they had sex be enough.Why can't i let it go?something good can from this.I know i will be happy. I want to know how to leave the past alone and move on. LL

Yes - We talked it out over and over for the first few months. I lied for the first 3 weeks of it - but we looked deep into it after that and we answered alot. If he had new questions to ask I would answer them - and if he wanted me to tell him things he already knows yes. What I hate is it being brought up in areas where it doesn't need to be. Right now - everything in his mind is at fault due to the affair. The affair was the domino and caused massive destruction, but many of the things were are dealing with are the aftermath, and its how we choose to deal with them - the affair can't win..our marriage has to, and it seems the affair is wining out. So I got off topic - but yes, I hate talking about it - but i will if he needs me to - It hurts to talk about - I am so disappointed in myself during that time. Think of the worst thing you have ever done in your life, and think if you were asked repeaditly to talk about it. It's a must - but it's not something you like to do.


Each person has their own why. We are all confussed, twisted - we arent evil, we are human and made BAD choices. BUT that is not the reason why. The reason why will be WHY was he twisted, why was he confused - what got him in the frame of mind that he could JUSTIFY making that choice, cause whether he likes it or not, he made that choice, and he reasoned and justified it in his head in his own way. Very twisted and very confusing, but the issues are deeper than that, and he needs to look in and see what they are to prevent this coping mechanism He may never have an affair again, but other destructive behavior can surface if the underlying issues aren't addressed.

I have heard that some people on here have had their husbands write a detailed journal of the whole thing, as much as they can remember - sex, etc. And so they don't have to discuss it face to face, their wives can read and get what they need to know out of it. Maybe this is something you two can do.

He doesn't want to look at it cause he is hurt he did it, and hurt for hurting you and doesn't want to cause you any more pain. He thinks it's better you don't know. Its hard to argue that. If just knowing they had sex isn't enough - you need to tell him, that in order for YOU to understand it- you need to know it. He has it in his mind, he knows its done, he knows what happened, he can close that door - you DONT know - you need to know before you can close that door.

-ds

DS,
Do you really believe there is stuff you don't remember?
This other women all she talked about was having sex with him,and his dumb a** gave in. I think he liked the idea of someone wanting him so bad.I hate to say it.Yeah we had our
fun in the bedroom then.Alot of times i was so tired. He took that i know now as rejection. When i feel all i wanted was to feel love during that time. I have that now. I just want to let go.He is a totally different person. He changed so much.I wonder if i should just shut my month and move on.He thinks we won't move on because i can't stop bringing it up.I tell him everybit of new info is like day one.He says now i know everything because she told me. I just don't know details. Did your H want every little detail.
EX: During there five times it was a couple at her house and a couple in her car. I wanted to know if clothes were totally off. Is that dumd or what? Why do i want to know these things.I know they were never alone long and never were anywhere public alone. I know he called her alot to listen to her problems.

It depends - big details - no I remember them all. Small details, like when a conversation happened, or what was said, or things like that - no I don't remember those things.

My husband too - took my tiredness as rejection and we fell into self sabatoging habits where he would set himself up to be rejected, and I would look for signs before hand that all he wanted was sex, and set him up for rejecting - it's something we need to address still when he is ready.

My H did not ask for EVERY detail - he wanted the big details, when where why. He didn't ask if clothes were off, etc. I think women want the details, and women want to know about the relationship...while men just want to know the physical. mine didn't want the details. he wanted to know when, where, how many times and was protection used. This included any cyber times.

Do you think the little details will help you? Or torture you I guess is a good question.

-ds

DS,
To tell you the truth i think i want to torture myself.Like i deserve it. I am one person who will do anything for anybody.I think i want to blame myself. I sometimes think i deserve to hear it like it should be rubbed in my face.I don't think it will help.I really want to go forward knowing what i have now.

LL

So i guess will the details be productive? Will they help you progress, or will they help you obsess. Find out why you really want the details, and if you really need them - then tell him.

DS
Your right all i will do is obsess.wonder why he did'nt want me. wonder was she better.so i have to stop asking.
He says he is very much in love with me more now than ever.This has to be enough. He never loved her or had strong feelings.

LL

DS,
To tell you the truth, I know i will be happy. I don't know why i won't let it happen. My H can make me the happiest person all i have to do is let him.
LL