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Weaver, Oh, what a painful situation! Does he understand that this cancelation leaves you feeling used? I'm very sorry. BTW, I'm 5-6 hours drive from that part of NC. I've driven up there a few times - most recently 7 years ago - the summer before W and I were married. Her folks were with us - as we took a 5 day road trip. We got engaged during that trip - in Winston-Salem, NC - on July 26, 1998. Ah, stinkin' memories. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope things are not as bad as they seem with your relationship with your BF. I understand that he would feel that he had to be there - if his dad really is having a surgery - and if your BF didn't know already about it. BTW, who was paying for the vacation? You, or BF? -AD
Last edited by AD_the_Engineer; 06/03/05 09:25 AM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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No regrets either way, ok Weaver? You did what you felt was right and it is:
1. Ok to be angry and disappointed in him
2. Pointless to feel foolish or beat yourself up over this.
BTW, are you ok with your family blackmailing you into promising never to see this guy again? {{weaver}}. You have a good heart and will be ok no matter the outcome.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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The timing of this, having just signed over the land, is terrible. This is a major issue and he should not have hung up on you. I am flabbergasted. I hope he doesn't continue to let you down. What a terrible start to a 'new beginning'. I just feel so uneasy reading this, so heaven knows how you feel in the midst of it.
There is nothing to stop you and the girls going. You don't need your family undermining you (albeit because they care and love you). Weaver, things will get better - refuse to believe otherwise.
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Gray,
Actually you inspire me, and guys like you give the rest a bad name.
Faith,
Thank you and yes my sis's blackmail attempt was only her frustration talking. She, her son and husband are very close to my DD and me. She was just terribly upset and hurt for me. And she knows that I wouldn't abide by it if I didn't want to anyway.
Sometimes it is so hard for us to know that we are entitled to anger and disappointment. I never know what is okay, still. So your post really hit me when you said that.
AD,
I was paying for the trip but had planned on taking my DD on a trip long ago before I started considering getting back with him. I offered to take him along on my dime because he offered to paint my rental and has done a lot of work around here.
His dad is gravely ill and needs this surgery but may die even with it. He has been in a nursing home for years. He is not lying about the surgery although he may still be playing some kind of game, I just don't know.
TT,
That is the worst part, him hanging up on me and still hasn't called back. I feel like he is punishing me for my reaction on the phone, just like my reaction when he went into the bar that night about a month ago.
This is what worries me the most, and to tell you the truth I feel kind of dead inside now. Like I am numb and have no feelings at all where he is concerned.
I read a post of Mikers today where he said that his self-esteem really suffered for two years before his STBWXW's affair even. I feel like I have become a non-entity through all of this. A nobody... sub-human. All the feelings I had when I found out he lied to me about his marital status have come back full force. I took him back after his divorce was final because of love I thought, but I don't think it was self-love, it was something else. And I no longer think he loves me, or DD. He may not even be capable of love, except where his kids are concerned. I don't know.
He may be changing but I am too damaged to know the difference anymore. I need to not see him again ever.
Like that song that SLH posted, he needs to stay gone and I need to find myself again.
I feel like such a phony for some reason. I hate infidelity more than I can ever communicate, but I am still involved with someone who deceived me when we met and was married. I have spent most of the past four years trying to come to some kind of terms with that, and still have not been able to walk away or find forgiveness from within.
SS posted the most beautiful post I have ever read to SVB earlier and I am going to bring it over here I think. It wasn't to me specifically it was to someone else, but I think really it was for all of us. Especially you Faith, and you TT, and all of us women who have been broken. Maybe you fellas need to read it too.
I'll go get it.
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SS's wonderful words to SVB (hope you don't mind SS) - Quote:
The big problem, (knowing you) is that you would tend to think "what is wrong with me, that he doesn't want me." I think it should be "what is wrong with him?" But that's not how your mind works most of the time. Is it?
It's funny, but I almost wrote that. Except MY words were going to be, "what is so horrible about me that would make him want to run away and never think twice about coming back." I decided against posting it, though.
SS smiles.
S still doesn't really understand who she is. Perhaps we can discuss it more below.
Never be afraid to post what you think, or feel. This is your thread, after all.
Yes, that is how my mind works most of the time.
Oh shoot, lets talk now. I hope you don't mind my sometimes long posts. This will probably be one of those.
Jesus Christ - his life and ministry.
I am not sure how often you read the scriptures. We try to read daily at our house, because we need all the help we can get.
We don't have much about his childhood, and we don't have much about yours. It was written of him "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man."
He was born, and he learned, as do you and I. He didn't know it all right up front. He was tested, as are all of us.
Now, remember, he was rejected by most of the world, and it didn't stop at rejection. There was a mock trial, he was condemned by a group that of them selves, did not have the legal power to put him to death. They tried to turn public opinion against him, they interceded with the Roman governor so as to kill him when there was no legal reason to produce this result.
Remember some of his personal struggles -
Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but thine be done.
HE sought to save mankind, but was able to save but a few.
If any one person could ask "what is wrong with me, that they don't want me," it would be him. However, he knew his mission, he knew his worth, and he knew that even if he was killed, his work would be finished as well as it could be done, and he would overcome the world.
Now, you and I (all of us) are here. We have our tests, tailored to our strength, and weaknesses. We can't escape the trials any more than he could. It wouldn't be good for us if we could. We are being refined, and purified, and we are learning who we are, and what we are.
I did hold back the tears when you asked about damaged goods. That we are here, that alone means we have a chance.
From John 3
2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.
Now, he does not say sons, and daughters, but do you think he is leaving you out?
I know he is not.
I should like to see you in that great day, and I want you to be all that you can be. Even now, the seeds are in you to succeed. (jls, you too, though I know you have doubts.)
So, what is so horrible about you?
That's the wrong way to phrase it -
Mistakes?
Sure, you make them.
Faults?
I have them, why not you too.
Bad feelings?
Every marriage has them at one point or another.
None of these things are grounds to plot to leave your W. None of them.
As you learn more about who you are, and as you make goals to be that person you want to be, those depressing thoughts about not being good enough will be left in the past. Should be, could be, must be.
OK?
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But why do I feel like such a heel for saying he should go with us and miss his dad's surgery. Because you are who you are.{{{{weaver}}}} Of course you're disappointed. Go to the Smokies, girl. With or without him or your sister. (Don't make deals you don't want to make.) It's truly liberating! I'm not familiar with exactly where you're going but it's all beautiful! Have a wonderful time and clear your mind.
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I feel like I have become a non-entity through all of this. A nobody... sub-human. But you've still got those green eyes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I understand the feeling... but it's just a feeling, not reality. -AD
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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I feel like I have become a non-entity through all of this. A nobody... sub-human. But you've still got those green eyes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I understand the feeling... but it's just a feeling, not reality. -AD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Yep just a feeling. And feelings don't last forever. Okay on a lighter note, I bought two novels to read on our trip. Very light reading. One is Grisham's "The Testament" and the other is the newest Jan Karon installment in the Mitford Series. I implore you all to read the Mitford Series. It is about a n Episcapelian (sp, sorry) priest and his congregation, little town down south, and his wife. These books are delightful and wholesome. You would probably really enjoy them as well AD. They are not just for the ladies. My little bro is the one who gave me my first one.
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Yo weave - maybe you can happen upon some 'shine while in the NC hills. No more than a shot at a time, OK? And watch out for polecats - they be having their younguns this time o'year and don't take too kindly to folks tramping around.
WAT
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Oh TOFT!!!!! Thank you! I just read your post. You haven't been posting much and I have wondered about you.
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Yo weave - maybe you can happen upon some 'shine while in the NC hills. No more than a shot at a time, OK? And watch out for polecats - they be having their younguns this time o'year and don't take too kindly to folks tramping around.
WAT LOL! Well I do have my handy dandy blinding flashlight with the built in pepper spray dispenser. Think that will do the trick? Okay I talked to my younger bro last night and upon finding out that sis and I were going without a man, his one word of advice was "well, don't talk to anyone sitting on a front porch". AD, no offense cuz I know you live in those parts. So then little bro who is a computer geek by day, and travels all over the world in his job told me a story of a client who he had to see on site way down in the back country of Florida. This man wanted to give him a short cut through the backwoods from the airport but first said, whatever you do, if you get a flat don't stop...don't ever stop. My bro said all he could think of was the movie "Deliverance". He then started laughing and said "that's a mighty pretty mouth you have"... He told his client that he was a business man, wearing a suit and that he didn't "do" shortcuts! LOL
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I think a blinding flashlight and pepper spray will just piss 'em off and you'll get the potent "spray." Just let 'em sniff around and if they turn and point their rears at ya, run like hell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT
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Hey, I don't know where you're getting advice about the good people of the southeast, but we're OK, really. And what few people you find sitting on porches are likely to be extra special. I remember an old couple that I knew back in high school. My parents owned a piece of property out in the country and we used to go there on the weekends. This old couple lived in a little old house by the road - and kept a "truck garden". That is to say, they grew vegy's for sale at farmers markets. When we would come by there in "the cool of the day", they would be sitting on the porch, resting and talking. They were amazing people. The man had been here and there - maybe went off to war even. But, that lady was born in that house - lived there on that mountain all her life (not always at that house). They had one daughter who died in her early twenties. This lady had never been farther than Birmingham (Alabama, not England) in her life. And B-ham was only 60 miles away! But... that lady was the most amazingly calm person I have ever met in my life. She just oozed calm - so that if you talked to her a few minutes, all the noise and confusion of life just faded away. I remember, walking along the road with this old lady in the moonlight (sounds fishy huh, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) - and she was telling me about her garden - and about her life. (Her husband was talking to my dad somewhere.) She said "Maybe I shouldn't have stayed here. Maybe we should have moved to the city. I've missed a lot by living here." Even then (when I was about 20), I knew that she hadn't missed anything important. If you see somebody like that, and have a chance to talk to them, forget your schedule. You might learn something. No, there's not many people like that left anywhere. -AD But, of course if you meet a couple of guys - they usually are brothers - you know the kind - big fellows - with half-unbottoned shirts and belly hair sticking out - carrying a "suitcase" of beer in from their old beater truck - to put in the fridge on the front porch - which has something welded to it with a padlock through it (so the neighbors won't steal their beer). Well, they're OK too, but you probably won't learn anything by talking to them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by AD_the_Engineer; 06/03/05 02:56 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Weaver, you probably won't see this til you get back from vacation, but you and AD reminded me of a joke I heard. A traveling salesman (no, not that kind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />)was trying out a shortcut to get to Atlanta (?) Well, he got so turned around and it was getting late and he was still in the middle of no-where. Finally he came up to an old farmhouse and saw an old man, lounging in a porch swing, smoking a pipe. His faithful ole hound dog was asleep on the top step of the porch and did nothing more than open one eye and more or less groaned more than growled on the salesman's approach. "Excuse me", the salesman said to the oldman, "can you tell me how to get to I75 from here. I'm trying to get to Atlanta and I'm afraid I got a little lost". The old man sat up, grabbed his tobacco pouch and said "Last time I went to Atlanty, we went up this here road fer bout 15 miles I guess, there's a fork, you take the right fork and go by that heathen Elmo Bohannon's place...watch out for the pigs...they's always getting out. Foller that road for bout 20 miles I guess and you'll be gittin mighty close to Atlanty. Ain't never been to no I75". The salesman was amused by the old man's colorful directions. He smiled and asked, "You lived here all your life, oldtimer?" The old man took a draw on his pipe and said, "Nope, not yet."
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AAARRRGGG!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Miss M; 06/04/05 03:09 AM.
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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weaver, I know that by now you are having a wonderful time on vacation. Hope all was well with you and DD. I, however, noticed something in your post about your BF, and I wanted to bring attention to it, regardless. Well, I tried to quote, but am evidently an ignoramus!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Anywhoo... Just wanted you to know that regardless of BF's dad not being there for him, he IS trying to be there for his dad. And it IS his dad's time right now. I have a feeling BF felt bad about not being able to go with you, but if his dad dies how could he live with himself and not resent you for insisting that he make a choice? It doesn't matter if his dad was not there for him. BF is trying to be a good son, this is good, and important. BF can have the rest of his life with you and DD. But right now his dad needs him. Please step back and realize this. This is not about you at this point. Your BF might never have another chance with his dad. He could however, have the rest of his life with you. You are not dying. Sounds like his dad is. I hope you explained this to DD. I know this is on the heels of the property transfer, and that this brought back all the old feelings, but I just have a feeling that your BF is trying to do the right thing. And I just think this is what Jesus would do. He would forgive and go to his father in his hour of need. I think your BF is in this space. Love in Christ, Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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weaver,
Haven't posted to you much lately. Sorry. I think that it was you that said something about pain making us selfcentered.
but weaver, - Don't let this xbf ruin your trip. Everyone here keeps telling me, "Stop focusing in him, focus on YOU". Try it with me weaver. Like a diet/stop smoking plan.
Maybe he's an a-hole, maybe he is trying to be better than his father and be there for him. Go on and don't worry about that. Let HIM worry about you, if he will. KNOW YOUR value, as SS always tells us. Only then will this guy see it and THEN if he is anywhere near worthy, he will acknowledge it and try -for YOU.
And,hey, I have relatives in Alabama, in B-ham! And in Kentucky. My ma is from down south! Stop in there and say Hi Ya'll!
jls
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Weaver,
I forget, when will you be back?
Don't be a stranger!
-AD
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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AD,
Thank you for checking on me. I just got back to town a few hours ago. We had a wonderful trip, all of us. Sis, my DD and her little friend went. It was glorious! Breathtakingly beautiful.
Hung out in the mountains mostly, but had some fun in quaint Gatlinburg too. Go-karts, and dinner on the balcony overlooking the river at Applebees, and a very expensive lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe, complete with about $150. worth of t-shirts.
Made some new goals, the first and biggest (because I haven't touched a piano since my DD's dad and I split, too painful for me because our split nearly destroyed me and music was too painful). Anyway, I am buying a weighted key, full size keyboard and am going to start playing again. No piano, cuz I have neither the money or room, but a keyboard is fine.
I am going to work on my house, and start going out again. Even the bars. That's right, even the bars. I can no longer isolate myself, because that is my inclination and what will surely be the end of my sanity. Around here the only social activity is the bar life.
I came home to two very painful messages from ex-BF,telling me it was over. He can no longer tolerate my angry outbursts. (my getting angry first cuz he went into the bar and the next time because he cancelled our trip due to his dad's surgery. He never mentioned the surgery btw, so I don't know if his dad survived or not.
His second message to me was yesterday telling me that he had a message at the motel I had called and was calling to ask me for a clean break, and that he doesn't no how else to put it, IT IS OVER! And he wants NC because it is too painful for us both otherwise.
Well first of all I don't have his motel number, and I never tried to call him. Wasn't even here, was in fact in Gatlinburg.
That second phone call of his really, really hurt.
I called his mom in St. Louis to ask her to relay a message for me. She wasn't there so I left a message asking that she let him know I would respect his decision for a clean break and have not, nor will I attempt to contact him. Nor will I set foot on the island, as hurtful as that is. I also asked that she let him know that him breaking up with me on a message was hurtful, and I wished he had done it to my face, or at the very least with me on the other end of the phone.
Well I see Miss M has a thread started and I need to read it, but I can't right now Miss M. I need to wallow in self-pity for a few days I think, and I can't stand the thought of you in trouble. I sincerely hope it is not your marriage, or a child.
Will read it later this evening or in the morning.
Thanks to all who think of me. I thought of you all in the mountains and prayed for happiness and peace for us all.
Last edited by weaver; 06/11/05 04:24 PM.
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{{{Weaver}}} thinking and praying for you.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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