Alph,

Remember to look your best and act your best when he comes over. One of Ark's favorites was to have the house smell of his favorite things. Like I used to make brownies just before he came or cooked bacon or ham. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I believe it.

Listen to what they are telling you by all means, they all know from experience. I would expose as fast as I could. I told everyone we knew including his work mates. Some of them were older and were so shocked and disgusted by him. They lost respect for him and he knew it. I told her pediatrician and her hairdresser. They were also shocked and disgusted. I had to do it there was no other way.

I bet she doesn't know anything about you. FOW here thought I was a green monster. She was shocked to find out he was having sex with both of us, because we hadn't had sex in years according to him. They change the whole marriage to justify the A. Everything that you do right now matters so much for later.

I went to court and had the judge write up a custody order and had it so the OW wasn't around our DS for 6 months, and I was ready to extend that if I had to. Honestly I wouldn't have changed a thing I did, even if it didn't work out, which it did.

Too bad he didn't talk to you about "your" marital problems before he ran to someone else. That is what really gets me about my FWH also. You are there and they fail to see you, almost like you are a window or something.

Lots of prayers your way!

HINY

NP Alph. Just checking...

My dad was a Geordie, and so is KiwiJ's husband, now an expat in new zealand.

I used to run the IT department at the DSS in Long Benton. Apart from that I know bugger all about the north east LOL !

Lucky you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wish I didn't - I only moved up here in 1991 to be with H; never really liked it all that much.

Still, it's home to the girls.

Hi again Alph - I'm confused or maybe I missed something. Where is the school in realtion to where you live? And do your kids attend school there?

If you're close by, why don't you just go meet with the Headmaster? If your children are students there, he/she probably already knows you, right?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!!!

Hello, Alph????

Wanna know why? Because you're an axe murderer!!!! Remember??? - and a stripper!! OK, OK, you're only just a really bad, bad mother and you kicked him out.

We've seen it all before - most of us first hand.

By the way, are you still having sex with your H? If you are, betcha OW doesn't know that.

So, if your kids go to school there, why don't you just show up and introduce yourself to OW? She's a teacher there, right?

You: Hi, I'm Mrs. Alph. I want you to know that I am trying very hard to keep my family together and you do not belong. Leave my husband and my family alone.

Her: (It doesn't matter what she says)

You: (say nothing more as you walk away towards the Headmaster's office.)

WAT

Alph

I have been scanning over recent posts and if I have been reading correctly others are encouraging you to talk to the school administration, it sounded like to "expose your H and the OW", or the likes of that. I would like to express a word of caution in following that advice. I think that any business, public or otherwise, would not want to involve themselves in the personal lives of their employees unless there were criminal activity. I would suggest you determine what you want to accomplish by doing this? By his response it does not seem that he much cares about "public" exposure it seems to me that informing his family and her family of the OW would be more effective than informing the school administration, unless the school had something in the teachers' job descriptions that looks like the ten commandments. I am not saying they wouldn't care it's just that I think the school is more interested in his performance in the classroom and not his extracurricular activities. I don't see the administration pulling them both in and saying "this has got to stop" or "we know what you are doing". Chances are they know already.

Sadly A's carry on in the workplace all the time and it seems nothing is done to try to stop it. Not that there can't be a first I just think that you could spend your energy in another direction.

Exposeure certainly helps in bringing some A's to an end. I would think that limiting his contact with the children because of the emotional impact it is having on them would be more effective tool in this situation (but of course what do I know I am only a hiker?). I don't mean use the children against him but both of you need to take measures to protect them and help bring them through this situation that they are unable to understand. The two of you need to work out a plan for their well being the A not-with-standing. He must set aside his "love" for the OW (creep) and you your emotional devastation and regard what is going on the girls hearts and minds. IMO
H

Hiker

Exposure is absolutely central to the Harley MB plan of surviving an affair.

Are you really telling Alph that a FAITH SCHOOL and its MANAGEMENT may not be interested in their staff wrecking holy marriages ????

She already told the seemingly secular head and he didn't do anything but thisis a FAITH school and if you go far enough up the chain of management someone will be a marriage-spporting, God fearing Christian, right ?

I exposed to my boss - a woman who runs a $5bn slice of IBMs business and she was unbelievably supportive. OM BEGGED me not to expose to his charity's managers and fear of such has surely helped him stay dark.

Exposure reveals the facts of an affair to those with a stake in the health of involved parties. As Mel says it takes the fun out of an affair.

Exposure in my case was certainly the sword that cut their tie.

Its like Mom switching on a light during a ten year olds' game of 'doctors and nurses'. Only the most committed and brazen players carry on fumbling with Mom looking.

When your affair means career, respect, reputation and finance as well as your spouse and childrens happiness it makes many WS reconsider.

But I'm yet to find an FWS or WS who thinks its a good idea.

Hiker, the purpose of her exposure at school is to cause pressure in the workplace. We don't know what will happen, but this is a religious school where they can hardly afford to have teachers in an affair. Even if the school did not take a position on it, which I find unlikely, just the exposure at that level might cause some much needed embarrassment. Exposure is the most effective tool in her arsenal and she wouldn't be wise to throw it aside.

I think limiting his contact with the children would be a hardship for them and would also limit her Plan A opportunities. It likely also causes jealously issues in his affair, so I would not encourage her to limit visitation, especially with the kids.

Mel

I did not know it was a religious school ... how many pastors have run off with the organist? and someone or several at the church already knew about it. As I said the school may have an integrity clause in the contract and therefore should know about the A...My guess is they know or at least others on that campus know...I am not saying I am right. I was just giving some options...

Maybe not limiting contact w the children. But there needs to be a plan of some sort between both H and W for the well being of the children. Guidlines for visitation...I still feel that they need protection. I hope I am not putting my foot in it again.
H

Already told the head?

I missed this. Are you sure, bOb? (I also have a question for you I'll post in a separate thread.)

WAT

WAT,

No, I haven't told him yet. I've merely written a draft letter (in thread). bOb pure has given it a critique and written an alternative.

The head is a Christian, and a Catholic (it's a Christian Brothers school BTW), but I don't get the impression he is likely to be swayed by the fact there is an affair going on on its own. I think it may require me to say 'look, it says here in your mission statment (or whatever) that you adhere to Christian principles, yet you are condoning this behaviour. I may be doing the guy a disfavour, but I've only met him a few times - just the impression I got.

My girls don't go to school there (it's an all-boys school), and is 20 miles away from where we live.

I am unsure about how effective exposure will be in this instance. Sure, it is a faith school - but H is a very valued and popular member of staff, and the head is particularly fond of him. Also, whilst affairs certainly cause anger and disgust amongst people in the UK, there is a tendancy for Europeans to separate work integrity from home integrity. There was a certain bewilderment - in continental Europe certainly, and in the UK to a lesser extent - that Clinton's affair with Lewinsky caused as much outrage as it did.

I'm not saying it's right, but it's a different attitude over here. IMVHO.

BTW

go to your kid's school and inform the principal or the counselor (if there is one) that there is a "family crisis" at home and they should be on the look out for any unusual changes in your girl's behavior.

This was a blessing in my case. I got so much support from the school who gave my kids extra attention during this time.

You do not need to expose the nature of the crisis there, because it will not further you purpose of protecting your girls.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pep,

Thanks for that - DD12 has been having counselling at school since this all started - she's still breaking down at school though.

I've told DD5's teacher about it too (I had to inform the schools anyway about H's change of address) and although they don't have counselling at DD5's school her teacher is very kind and observant and has been keeping he informed. DD5 has been getting 'tummy aches' since this started - she also breaks down at school occassionally.

Poor kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alphin, my DD7 started vomiting every morning on the way to school and wetting the bed during Squids affair and for a while therafter.

DD11 (then) became morose and tearful at home and at school.

I did EVEYTHING I culd do for my kids yet ist still affected them badly.

Squid sneered at the time :

" Kids are resilient - they'll get over it. OM says divorce was good for his kids - it stiffened them". ( He'd been D'd 3 times with 2 extranged children)

I could've swung for her.

You cannot rely on your H to do anything that is in the best interests of your kids.

You can tell OWs parents the effect of their daughters affair on your inncent kids. I am sure that will have an effect.

I'll pray for you and your kids Alph. It works well around these parts believe me.....

How are your children now, Mr Pure?

I guess it's every kids dream their parents will reconcile (not just us BS's!)

Alphin,

This is good. You might need documentation if you ever have to go to court from the school about the kids break downs. This would also help with the children having NC with OW. I used my peditricians help with this. He told me to use his name in court because he didn't think that a 3 YO could understand nor was it healthy to have him around OW so soon.

Any and all documentation is necessary at this time. I personally DO NOT think that it is healthy to have OW around your kids. Mostly because if you WH does pull his head out of his [censored] your children will have been exposed to the A unnecessarily and they will remember. Instead of just remembering mom and dad separated they will remember daddy kissing nasty OW. Get my vision here??? So don't go through with your thought in mid-june like you were going to. Try to do everything you possibly can to stop this from happening anytime within the next year if possible.

This also will make OW angry and it will put a knife in the relationship right off the bat. OW will not get to play mommy like she wants to and he will have to spend time away from her to see them. The more inconvenience I found the better it is. Sorry just calling it as I see it.

If I was you I would go to court and get custody so you can say what happens and what doesn't happen with the kids. Someone has to speak for them and it certainly isn't going to be him. It really urks me when children are dragged into the sitch. They have no one but you to help them at this time. Even if it seems mean, or if it seems unfair to him.

HINY

I have my first appointment with my solicitor tomorrow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's for information only (1 hour advice is free if I agree to use them later). Besides, I'll get legal aid. I'll certainly ask about custody then.

Thing is, I have control over the kids now, what I say goes as far as the kids are concerned. I don't know, but this may change if I actually go for custody.

I'll see what the solicitor says, anyway.

Good job. Keep plugging away at it. And take care of you most importantly. I really let myself go the first few weeks. Felt like crap most days.

Prayers to you!

HINY

Re. exposure.

How about exposing to the parents' association? bOb pure said that most parents who send their kids to a faith school expect a certain moral standard. I agree that this could be the way to go if I get no joy from the head master.

^

Yep ... go to the "Head Master" first .... wanna know what I think when I see "head MASTER"?????

hohoho

*sigh* silly Brits and their weird terminology

LOL

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />