Just found this forum this morning. I found out a month ago that my six month old son is my wife's lover's child, not mine. I didn't know about the affair which she claims she recently broke off but lasted two years. I won't go into the details of my devastation here since I have begun bleeding on other threads.

I find that knowlege of my son's paternity has made no difference in my love for him. I feared that it might but it hasn't. He is the only innocent in this whole horrible mess. My wife tells me that the baby's father has not yet seen his son but is making increasing demands to be given his 'rights' to be a part of his baby's life. What a repulsive joke! He impregnated my wife knowing she was married. He allowed my name to be put on the birth certificate, let the baby come into my family as my own and according to my wife has not paid a dime in support of his child. But he feels he has rights!

Unfortunately I think a court would feel the same way. He says he wants to avoid court but will seek legal relief if he cannot 'be a part of his son's life'.

I don't know what to do. Should I keep him away from my family and son and fight it out in the courts? Should I let him have as many 'rights' as he feels entitled to? The only thing I want is what is best for the baby. I don't think anyone else's feelings or desires should take precedence, including my own. I realize most of these threads have to do with the woman's perspective. I haven't come across any that deal wth my particular predicament so far. I'd just like to hear about what has worked or not worked for others.

campdog,
So sorry that you have found yourself in this situation ... with that said ... welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
The board is a little slow on weekends, please don't feel discouraged if there are not a lot of posts until Monday ...
Read in you other post that both of you are in in MC ... have you consider IC for yourself? ... and probably for your wife too ...

This is a very important step, not only for yourself but to heal your marriage ...

I think one of the things you need to do is to contact an attorney asap and see what are the legal options you (and your wife) have ...

Some questions:
- do you want to save your marriage?
- has the affair ended?
- how is your wife reacting to all of this?

let's start from here ...

CD, so sorry to hear you are going though all of this. Depending on which state you are in I think as long as your on BC and she was M to you. The courts consider him yours?? Don't know for sure but if I where you I would check w/ child services in your area. How are you and your W doing?? And I'm guessing there have been no DNA test done yet? Its good to hear that you love this child as your own. Its best that you talk to an attorney and your wife and make some aggrements on what you want to do. Please read over all of the materials in the MB on honesty, and POJA. Good luck and we are glad you are here.
Sunny D

Hi Campdog,



Your story reminds me of a poster named "K". You might put a call out to him. Here's a link to his truly inspiring story...

K's Story

I don't think he'll mind my sharing it with you.

Godspeed,
Natalie

You don't say if you've had DNA testing done or not. If not, how do you KNOW you're not the biological father of your son?

Our son knew, for 8 years, that it was possible that his daughter was the OM's. I've known, however, since she was very small, that she was OURS, because she looks so much like our son and has other of my family characteristics. Also, I was very aware of certain facts, and knew. from those facts, that DGD was born 3 weeks early...and conception most likely occurred after son and then-wife reconciled.

Anyway, Son's ex moved to Texas and left the children with him, and he filed for custody. She decided to contest it, and one of the things she claimed was that he should not have physical custody of their daughter because he was "not the biological father". Well, a DNA test showed that our son is 99.99254% her father. Once she realized that we could prove son's paternity, she finally gave up the custody battle, and all the children now live with our son.

Anyway, our son lived with torment for 8 years, thinking that his little girl might not be his. He refused to do the DNA test until it came down to the custody battle because he didn't want to "know for sure" that she wasn't his. I have a medical POA on each of our grandchildren, and considered, several times, having a grandparent DNA test done without his knowledge, and only telling him bout it if the test showed I was her grandmother. I couldn't bring myself to go behind his back, though.

So, if you haven't done a DNA test and there is any possibility that your son is your biological child, go have it done.

As for the OM, let him twist in the wind. Right now, I would bet that he's bluffing. Let him know that if he wants to start any legal proceedings, he'd better come up with plenty of money, as custody battles are not cheap and you will fight him all the way. Check with an attorney to see what your options are.

I would like to suggest something different.

Since as your correctly pointed out, the baby is the truly innocent one in this ordeal, the overall best interests of the child should be paramount and that is why I would recommend that you seek out the services of a child psychologist to find out what is the best course of action to take in order to minimize any damage to him. Keep in mind that the more contact there exists between you and the baby, the harder it will be for him IF you end up separating from his mother.

If your W was not fighting with her own personal demons [her rape 25 years ago and yearning to be sexually with the OM] and the OM was not interested in the child, then it would be an easier matter for you and your W to remian married and raise the little one as your own, but since that is not the case then I'd suggest that you consider the advice I gave you.

Good luck.

TMCM

Campdog,

I would agree with this comment if you still had no knowledge of your W's affair and no knowledge that the OM was the father of the baby, but NOW that you've discovered the truth, YOUR choices to have daily contact with the child DO make you responsible for they will continue to affect the baby and THAT is why, considering the present circumstances, you should also consult with a child psychologist to determine IF it may be best for the child for you to severe all contact with him before the bond between the two of you becomes even more stronger.

Furthermore here's what Dr Harley told a H whose W became pregnant by another man in What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant with a Lover's Child:


This is very close to your situation and I think that you should consider reading Dr Harley's comments in their entirety and ponder very seriously his advice on the matter in order to move forward.

TMCM

Campdog

According to the courts, the child was conceived and born into a marriage, you are considered the father. YOU are the only one who can contest it. Xom doesn't hae a leg to stand on, even if there is a DNA test.

I was the MOw, became pregnant with Xmm child. My H signed the BC and Xmm took me to court to get rights to my daughter, he lost.

Good luck

I actually have two threads going in this forum and it seems that the focus on both is the baby's paternity. This is low down on my list of priorities but I have decided to trust the judgement and intentions of the people who post to my threads.

Firstly there is no doubt as to the baby's paternity or my feelings about him. (See 'I'm not his father' in the Pregnancy threads.)

Crazymum's advice is a ray of hope but I have yet to check how New York courts deal with such issues. My wounds are still bleeding and it's all I can do to get through each day. Assuming that I would be within my legal rights to deny my son's father all contact with him I am not sure if such a decision would be in the child's best interests. I certainly would not raise my son on the basis of a lie and I never thought other than that one day he would know the truth. My problem is when that should be.

I consider the the man who impregnated my wife pond scum since he knew from the time he met her that she was married. He still insists he 'wants to be part of his child's life' while failing to recognize the absurdity of being a 'father' to a child being raised in another family. I have no doubt that if he gets visitation rights he will waste no time in telling my son that he is his 'real' father. But even that can be dealt with and of course if my wife and I split the point is moot.

I am old enough and experienced enough to realize that I'm in no condition right now to make irreversable decisions. My roller coaster goes up and down from minute to minute still. I have read a lot of the threads here and I can see even if there is no hope for my relationship there is hope and strength to be had here. God help me and bless you.

my prayers are with you my friend...take care of you

Campdog

My OC knows who XMm is, he has done irrevertable damage to my daughter. I was nice to Xmm and let him have a relationship with her dispite him not having any legal rights. Big mistake.

My daughter considers my H her dad. Think long and hard about all of it. In all honesty, it will probably be better for you son to NOT have anything to do with the OM. Besides, if this guy is really scum do you want him around your child??

I say your child cause of this, the Om provided the DNA, you provided everything else. You are this childs father. It takes more than DNA to make a dad

Haven't been here for a few days. Basically just going day to day and feeling miserable. Crazymum I'm not sure what a XMm is but if I'm reading you right you are saying that there is a child in your marriage fathered by a spouse's lover who has been damaged by contact with the biological father.

Could you be more specific if it's not too painful? My problem is that in the state where I live if the biological father can prove paternity through DNA testing he WILL be awarded visitation rights by the courts. According to the attorney I consulted if the biological father has the determination to pursue his rights through the courts the outcome is inevitable. The best I could do would be to delay the outcome for a year or two, just in time for my son to understand when the SOB tells him that he is his 'real' father.

It's a horrible mess and the only thing I'm really sure of is that I will do whatever is best for my son, be it consenting to visits without court action or moving far away. The thought of that turd being with my son and bringing him home to HIS family makes me physically ill. The stupid moron believes that he can be a 'father' to a child being raised in another family! But I'll let him do it if I can be sure that the baby won't be hurt by the experience.

At this point I'm not sure of ANYTHING except my love for my wife and baby. As I've said before if we split the point will be moot but since I am trying to save my marriage I would be most grateful to get advice from anyone. On anything.

I don't know the specific laws in your state, and I'm not sure you should deny your child knowing his biological father. But,I don't know him and it may be best to keep him out of your life. So here are my thoughts. If you want to keep him out of your and your childs life, the way to do it is hit him financially. Let him file for rights and visitation. You file to get child support and back payment for every dime you have spent on the child, up to and including pre-natal doctor visits. I would bet when he sees how much it will cost him he may change his mind. Fair is fair. Along with rights come responsibilities.

Campdog

A hero of mine on these boards ( and a grumpy old bugger!) is 'K'. He took his WS OC into his heart and they now have a M to be envied by most.

Search for K's posts and maybe send out a call for his advice.

You CAN get over this. And your attitude to this innocent child is utterly to your credit and adds in a some small way to the worthiness of all humanity IMO.

Camp

I was once the cheating spouse (so was H but that is a different story). I became pregant with Xmm (my lover was also married) baby. H was there at the birth and signed his name on the birth certificate. When my daughter was 4 months old we had to go to court. Xmm wanted rights. He was shot down. He had a lawyer, I didn't. H did some research on the matter. There was a case that went to the supreme court-- over all a man had a DNA test proving to the the childs father, but considering the child was conceived and born into a marriage, the child is consiered the husbands. My X-lover (XMM) lost. Long stort short, I ended up letting the Xmm have contact with my daughter, affair started again and another child was also born. My H took in both the children I had from that affair.

When it all came down to it, Xmm now has nothing to do with the kids because I refuse to continue the affair.

I'm in Michigan, right now the law is still the same. I'm still reading stories in the paper of men fighting to get rights to the child born of the affair. So, if your wifes X-lover is going to continue to fight, have your lawyer look up the old cases. I've found most of the time the courts will do what they can to protect the family unit.

I highly doubt that your W Xlover is doing this to get the child, more likely to get your wife.

Campdog,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders---I wish it were under better circumstances. You've gotten what appears to be reasonably sound legal advice---in many states, an OM can petition the courts to have paternity testing done, and then be awarded visitation rights. With those rights come responsibilities with regard to financial obligations. I assume that he is not married, and not supporting any other children? If he has a decent job, his "rights" will probably entitle him to pay around 18% of his gross paycheck to child support. I would encourage you to get a very good lawyer lined up, and be ready for this scenario. Get your lawyer's advice, but it will probably be to do nothing---have no contact with him whatsoever. Have him work through the courts if he wants these rights. It's likely to discourage him.

With regards to your marriage---the most important thing that you and your wife can be doing right now is practicing "complete honesty" and "the policy of Joint Agreement". You two need to be transparent with one another as to what's going on, how you feel---and then you need the skills to make decisions together that benefit the marriage. If you understand that and are working on it already---great!! If not, please get counseling through the Harley's here (888-639-1639 for appointments)

It is very likely that the OM is just making a play to attempt to continue the affair. Your wife should have no contact at all with him---if contact is necessary, it should be through you (if you can handle it). My wife's xOM made a similar threat (although before the baby was born), but the reality of the situation was that he went away and we haven't heard from him since (this is 7 years ago). The more time where "nothing" happens from a legal standpoint, the better the odds are that a court would NOT give the OM rights---although again, that is state-specific.

Good luck. Remember, the more your wife and you learn how to use the POJA to make decisions together, the more that you will rebuild your love for one another. It teaches protection and care for the other person.

Yet again I feel God's hand on my shoulder guiding me to this site when I am so lost. I have read bOb's posts in other places and I am flattered that he has reached out to me. Crazymum you aint crazy, I can see you're an angel for trying to help me. And K, if you are one of bOb's heroes then you must really be something. I'm going to search out your threads.

I have been thinking about this issue all morning even putting my thoughts on paper. My wife has agreed to discuss the situation tonight, the first time she has agreed to discuss any part of her affair in depth. Previously she told me she didn't know what she wanted, she didn't know what was best for the baby and she admitted to not really thinking about the whole thing at all. I'll see what develops tonight.

While doing some diligent searching I found a birthday card to my wife on her last birthday from her lover. She had given birth 19 days previously and it was hand delivered, not addressed. It turns out that he is delusional as well as morally bankrupt. The card was titled "With Love To My Wife"! The card itself said in part "always, no question - my wonderful beautiful wife" and "I'm a very lucky man to have you for my wife". He had hand written in part "It's exactly how I feel". Did I mention she claims that he knew she was married from the start?

This is very scary stuff. How will this poor fool react when he realizes the truth and must face his delusions? How can I trust this guy with my son? What IS the Truth? Can she still be lying and leading a double life? Is she that good an actress? Am I that big a fool? What promises did she make to this jerk that she is concealing?

Whatever the truth is I have a feeling that her lover is going to get ugly about this and that it will happen sooner rather than later. How do I protect my son and at the same time do what is best for him? My heart aches for that beautiful baby I was just holding in my arms. [censored], crying again. Thought I had that one beat. At least I only do it in private nowadays. Where do you guys find the strength?

Campdog,

Natalie (in this thread) posted a link to my story---it's been a while...

Has your wife been in "no contact", and for how long? It is possible that the affair isn't over, and that wouldn't help your situation much. One thing I need to stress to you is the importance of you getting honesty from your wife. The problem is that you can't beat it out of her, and you can't scream and throttle her when you get honesty that you don't like. You are really going to have to put lid on Lovebusters (especially Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, and Selfish Demands) as you talk with her---you need to encourage her honesty by being capable of handling it gently. Gather any information she's willing to share, and openly discuss how the two of you can plan to deal with this together. Encourage her to make suggestion. You don't have to come to a decision immediately, especially if you disagree.

As far as worrying about how this guy will react---don't. Your best bet would be for him to get enraged and confront you (physically). Let him take a shot or two---that'd help you with a restraining order, and it wouldn't look very good in court. You can't control his actions---only yours.

CD, I'm nobody, just one of many MB success stories. If the wise'uns like K can kick ME into doing it, you stand every chance my friend.

Scroll up to K's tale link and study with a long drink.

And tell me honestly the point when you say to yourself "this marriage didn't make it SURELY ?".

bOb, no one who is an inspiration to others is a 'nobody'. I actually did read K's story after I posted last. Someone posted a link to it above which I missed in my initial distress. It's an inspiration to me to see that he's a success story and I can understand completely his motivation and actions. I love my new son to death, my heart doesn't care whose sperm created him. What I am praying for continually is for strength in the face of so many unresolved issues and doubts. That is something no one can explain to you, you have to find it within.

K, you ask if there has been no contact, and for how long. If my wife is telling the truth there has been no physical contact and only one phone conversation since the beginning of May. She says he calls her cell phone and leaves messages but that she doesn't answer. When I initially asked her why she answered the phone she told me that it was because she knew he wanted to discuss the baby. She later admitted that it was because she missed him and wanted to talk to him.

How can I know if she's telling me the truth about no contact? After all this is the father of her child and she has been lying to me and deceiving me for years. She said it was 'easy'. As I said above how do I know I am not still being taken for a fool? I see positive signs that plan A is working but I am plagued by constant doubt. For every ray of hope there is a caveat.

Today's challenge is to decide on a course of action concerning the baby and his father. I lean towards granting him some visitation on my own even though the thought is repugnant. Once a month is my thinking. As I said above even that much scares me since he thinks of my spouse as his 'wife' and thinks she had the baby as a gift to him! Also, how do I make ANY arrangements with this fool since my wife won't give me his phone number? She says she's afraid of what I might do as if she has completely missed my behavior since the first minute she told me about the affair. I am a retired law enforcement officer and I have had 25 years of practice in controlloing my anger and actions. I have managed to remain unprovoked by experts in provocation yet my wife has 'concerns' about what I might do. Is she afraid that I might find out that they are still involved? God God God my brain hurts. thanks for listening.