Thanks for your post Wife30, I appreciate the hand you are holding out to me. I know what it's like expecting a new baby and I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm adding you to my prayer list and telling you what I tell myself. Find the strength to do what you need to do and realize you have the strength to go on no matter what happens.

I just wanted to write down a dirty trick I played on my WS and how it has even made me smile a bit. Smiles have been a little short in my life recently.

Wife went to Boston alone for a graduation ceremony/party for a close friend and her husband. I believe the occassion is for real since I have discussed it with her friend. My wife told me she was looking forward to going away and having a chance to get away from 'her' problems. Before she left the wife asked me if I was afraid she was actually going to spend time with her partner in adultery. Since she asked I told her no, just that I thought it was a bad time to be going away alone but that I understood her emotions. Besides, I was thinking, what was preventing her boyfriend from going to Boston as well or her from spending hours on the phone with him and why was she asking me? I told her to have a good time and not worry about me. She left 4:30 AM on Friday promising to return on Saturday.

Friday night I spoke to her and she said that she missed me and the kids but she was staying Saturday as well for a fashion show. I felt that she was taking the weekend for herself and cutting the family out of the picture and told her that but she promised to return Sunday and have a family day. I told her to have fun and that we all missed her.

Saturday my nine year old son asked me to go somewhere and I told him we couldn't, that his Mom had the car. He asked if we could go when his Mom got back and got very upset when I told him she wasn't coming back until Sunday. Seems she had told him she was returning on Saturday as well. I asked him what was bothering him and he said "what's next? Stay away until August 30?". Got me a little pissed off at the wifey.

But sometimes life is too perfect <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />. The phone rings not ten minutes later and guess who's on the other end? The wheels start turning. She says she just wanted to check in and I ask her if she's having fun, ask her how her day is going and about the weather. Light and upbeat and she sounds happy. She asks me how I'm doing. I say fine but I'm trying to make dinner and the baby is giving me trouble about being left alone, hard to cook and tend to an active 7 month old at the same time. (opening torpedo. Hit? Miss? Hard to tell) I put him on the phone and she coos at him for a while. I tell her about his delighted look and how he was looking around for her. (second torpedo. Baby couldn't have been less interested) Then she asked how our older son was doing. I said he was disappointed about her not coming home and seemed upset but wouldn't tell me what was bothering him. She said to put him on the phone and I asked her not to be hurt if he sounded angry. (third torpedo, definite hit, a little behind amidships) First thing out of his mouth was "why aren't you coming home?". (thank you son) Didn't hear the conversation but made sure she could hear me playing with the baby in the background. Got back on the phone and she said she was tired and going to take a nap. Did my wife have a small insight that *gasp!* you couldn't 'get away' from your problems, that you took them with you? Hmmm...

Finished up with telling her not to nap, to get out and enjoy a scenic and historic part of the country. Said if I were there that's what I would do. We both laughed and she said I sounded 'better', but she sounded thoughtful. (never picked us up on the sonar Captain. We got away clean) Am I a bad plan A-er? I don't feel bad, I feel smug as hell <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I know that often times my H will make comments about "his" problems. That annoys the hell out of me. The other night he was upset. When I asked him what he was upset about he said "Can't I just be upset about the way I messed up my life?" I reminded him it wasn't just his life he messed up, and I went to bed. I just get annoyed w/ how very selfish he seems to be at times.

I can't really offer you Plan A advice because I'm not too good at it. I think at times what I am doing is Plan A, but I refuse to let H run over me either.

Wife30, (please forgive me ma'am for addressing you in such a formal way but W30 sounds like an oil product and Wife just doesn't feel appropriate) I know the feeling. Let me share something that just happened that helped me.

When I found the message on Father's Day that confirmed my suspicions about continued contact between my wife and her partner in adultery I promised her not to check her phone again. I was lying when I said it and I knew it. I was about to check her phone this morning about 4 AM and she woke up and caught me. Her response was fury and a declaration that I was going to wreck our marriage. Seems like a nutty way to look at things, right? When I left the bedroom I was angry at her for being angry at me. Didn't she see that I had a perfect right to the truth?

But as I was sitting in the living room I began to think about her reaction. Why was she angry? The answer is that I had broken MY word to HER. Maybe the biggest Love Buster of all, dishonesty. In seeking to protect myself from being hurt by lies I had become the very thing I was angry at her for being. For whatever reasons she has a need to keep a private, safe place for herself and I had violated that place. By focusing on my own negative emotions I had given her a big push away from me.

It really doesn't change my perspective when I think about 'what if I HADN'T gotten caught?'. The reality is still that I was being dishonest, secretive and deceitful and I would have continued in that behaviour. Would I have felt better if I HAD found a message from him? No. Would I have felt better if I HADN'T found a message? No. From that I draw the conclusion that I was focusing on the wrong need, my need to know versus my need to save my marriage.

I'm writing this because I am thinking about what you said about trying to handle things in the way I see best. I think I was swayed by what others said in this thread and others about scrutinizing my partner rather than examining my own soul. Sure I have a right to the truth but I can't FORCE my wife into giving me that. Doing what I was doing did not make me feel better, just the opposite, and I realize that now I was acting contrary to my basic character. I failed to realize that while sharing similarities every one of our situations is unique and once again I ignored my instincts. *sigh*

My wife will either end the affair and come back to me or she won't. My marriage will either be saved and better or I will continue on with my life alone. I won't affect the outcome in a positive way by forcing the issues or trying to MAKE her see reason. I see now that while I saw the sense in Plan A I was fooling myself that I was following it whenever I focused on my own needs instead of hers. Does that mean that my own needs are unimportant or don't need to be met? Nope. It only means that they must be put on hold for now until we reach a place where we can deal with them together, in love. If we never reach that place I know that I have the strength to deal with them on my own.

As the sun is rising I am finding renewed determination to pursue plan A and a new awareness of the traps and obstacles that lay ahead. What I did today was bad and the fallout is terrible. Yet I find that if it was not fatal that it was a step forward in my own understanding of this thing we are both trying to do. Funny thing about the places you can find Hope, huh?

LOL Campdog, that's WD40, isn't it? I put it on my popcorn at the movie theater. Mmmmmmmmmm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My wife will either end the affair and come back to me or she won't. My marriage will either be saved and better or I will continue on with my life alone.

But, CG, I guess my only question is, how will you know?

I am not doubting your intuition, Hon, but there are so many on this board who can so easily live in delusion. Because they want to. Myself included.

And you do love the woman.

I see now that while I saw the sense in Plan A I was fooling myself that I was following it whenever I focused on my own needs instead of hers. Does that mean that my own needs are unimportant or don't need to be met? Nope. It only means that they must be put on hold for now until we reach a place where we can deal with them together, in love. If we never reach that place I know that I have the strength to deal with them on my own.

This was perfect, beautiful. A plan A epiphany. But in no way a rationale not to protect yourself, Camp. And sometimes you have to do that by checking.

Perhaps the reason your wife got so angry when you were checking her messages was because you were violating her "space". But perhaps. . . just perhaps. . .she got so angry because she had something to hide.

Most WSs, trying to recover, trying to prove to their S that they are no longer in contact, would have been a bit more understanding upon catching their BSs hacking into their phone messages. Unless they had something to hide.

I do understand that your WW's history lends itself to different reactions in light of your attempts to find the truth. She may need so space, a quiet place to call her own. But CD, she has already proven she can't have a quiet place of her own and not be a WW. Right now, the onus is on her. Not you.

Sometimes you do need to remind her of that.

StillLovingHim

Still, I HAVE reminded her of that, perhaps too emphatically. There is something in all of us that wants to do the exact opposite of what we are being pushed to do.

How will I know if she has severed contact? Simple. If she doesn't there is NO chance that our relationship will survive. I will not be deceived into thinking that we are building a better relationship no matter how much I may want it. A better, more rewarding marriage will actually come to be or I will be gone and there is a limit to what I am willing to put up with.

I don't think I am letting myself be set up to be hurt by more betrayal. I fully expect more and worse to come. The simple fact is that I disbelieve EVERYTHING she tells me. Not that I think she lies in all things but as bObpure so wisely pointed out "Infidels are not capable of telling the truth if a lie appears slighty easier to them". I have no idea of how I am going to restore my trust in my wife and neither does she. Maybe our MC will have an idea or one will suggest itself in IC. Once again without my trust there is NO chance we will save our marriage. But then again doesn't she have a right to be able to place that same trust in me? How can I condone myself acting in exactly the same way that I condemn in her?

My real epiphany concerned the fact that I was focusing my attention on my own negative emotions without a true appreciation of the terrible burden that my wife is carrying as well. She loves this guy after all and she had his baby. She is also wrestling with child rape and lifelong emotional isolation issues. If I love her, and I do, than I must give her the things she needs to grow and heal and hope that it will do the trick. How unreasonable to expect her to deal with so much and undo the damage of years at the same time and then expect things to be all better RIGHT NOW. I was talking the plan A talk but I wasn't walking the walk. This is no easy task I have set myself and if I'm not in this thing for the long haul then I might as well pack it in now. Pray for me that I have the guts to see it through. Those of you who have reached out to me will always have a special place in my heart and my prayers. Thanks again.

How unreasonable to expect her to deal with so much and undo the damage of years at the same time and then expect things to be all better RIGHT NOW. I was talking the plan A talk but I wasn't walking the walk. This is no easy task I have set myself and if I'm not in this thing for the long haul then I might as well pack it in now. Pray for me that I have the guts to see it through.

Of course, Hon. I do see your rationale, and it makes sense, it does. I am not discounting that. Throw your heart over the bar so afterward, no matter what the outcome, you can look back with no regrets.

I just want you to guard your heart while you're doing it. You're a good guy.

{{{CD}}}

SLH

(( Camp ))

YOU are doing JUST fine.. and you have NO IDEA just how awesome you are holding down the fort here CAMP!

I am personally not a plan-A person myself, as my heart is on my sleeve and I cannot pretend or hide my anger- at all.
I also feel that there is a fine line between plan A and being a doormat. I find it ludicrous and very unattractive for a man (or woman) to allow a "please pick me game" to go on for very long. After all, living with a WS still in an A IS NOT LIVING AT ALL.. it is hell on earth and NO ONE, I mean NO ONE is worth sacrificing your entire health and well being for-- and the KIDS NEED A DAD- NOT A ZOMBIE!

SO- I can only tell you what I did when my H was cheating and lying about it. I remembered who I WAS AND WHAT was attractive and sexy about me. I remembered my H saying to me "I wish you thought you were all that still" and the lightbulb turned ON again.. I said SCREW this - I am getting my own life together and I am going to stand up and be a spouse that MY HUSBAND would be SICK if he lost out on. I made him do a double take and wonder WOW IS SHE GOING TO REALLY LEAVE ME... He was scared sh*tless. I even got a house and packed my stuff - he came home to the boxes. He fell apart and realized I was OUT of there - I was WORTH fighting for.

I think at some point, Camp, your wife will be attracted to the man that stands up for himself. Heck, work out, buy some new clothes, new cologne, leave her in the evening once in a while to do something you enjoy... you HAVE to push her off the fence somehow!! If not-- what the heck is she losing by keeping 2 men ?

I know I am not exactly the typical MBer but I think you can tweak your "plan" to suit the behavior. Let her know that YES you WILL need to verify (via cell or otherwise) if she is lying casue YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT AND YOU HAVE EVERY REASON AND RIGHT in the world to protect your life and your heart from being blindsided OVER AND OVER.

Bottom line is-- there are many many good words of advise here- but remember one very important thing- there is no plan that is good enough - if you are dying of a broken heart due to a continued A..... at some point you MUST stand up and be the man that your W is most likely craving for you to be (like a child wanting consequences)... she just doesnt realize it now. Help her make up her mind. Dont sit there and babysit "their" child while she is off with him... what kind of sh*t is that? (and that takes NOTHING away from the love you have for the little guy it just, in theory, is [censored] to ME)...

It will take some time to make any choice darling! This, by far, even with your law enforcement background IS THE HARDEST thing any of us can do-- BUT you are SO freaking strong and cool - and at this point most of us are NO WHERE near as intelligent as you are, LOL so you are AHEAD of the game my friend. YOU will be okay, I just know it. Just remember that this pain is FLEETING if you allow it to be..... !

YOU ARE A SOLIDER!

Lots of people reading my soap opera Giovanna but few post and I always wonder how many read the whole thing. Truth is I do a lot of writing nowadays and very little of it is in this thread. What I write here is about 20% for me and 80% in hopes of gaining a different perspective from the one I live with inside my head every day. I have gotten those perspectives here, as well as hope and some peace as well. I am grateful beyond words to the people who have taken the time to reach out to me. And I thank you personally G.

Does it sound as if I'm doing fine? I'm not. I spend every day fighting demons and it's so hard, even if I've been holding my own up till now. Demons are not the super-raptors that Hollywood portrays. They don't come and tear you to pieces like Pumpkinhead, they come with their knives and needles and lies and go to work. Their job is to hurt you and destroy you if they can. They seek to drag you into hell and keep you there. I have been battling the Sex Demon, The Love Demon, the Hope Demon and others. Now the most powerful one of all has arrived, the Doubt Demon. I have actually named them so that I can recognise them when they come and call them by their names when I try to banish them. But I am so tired of hurting. Can it only be seven weeks? How many lifetimes have I lived in that span?

I don't feel like a doormat ma'am and I don't feel like I'm waiting around for my beloved to choose me. A large part of my pain comes from my knowlege that she chose another man to give her heart and body to and the Doubt Demon keeps telling me that this is still so. Rather, I am a man fighting with everything he has to hold on to the things he holds most dear in this life. I'm using the best weapon I have, Love, and in the only way I know how. By showing it.

I'm not a blameless innocent in this mess. I was involved for ten years in a marriage that gave neither partner the things they needed. In the process I turned into a bitter, angry, slovenly fat pig. That my wife turned to another to provide the things she craved is more a testament to my own incredible foolishness than to any innate evil on her part. I was a body builder when we met and over the past two months my body has responded incredibly to my old diet and exercise habits. The body remembers. I have remade myself physically in the same way I remade my personality.

I have not lain (laid?) down and let my wife do as she pleases. And I don't sit home and watch 'their' child, I provide care and love to my darling son, always, and he is the most wonderful baby in the world. It's true that I can't PREVENT any behaviors but I make it very clear what my agenda is. For her part my wife is responding to plan A in ways that give me some hope. She is behaving towards me in ways that she never has before and she remarks continually about the positive changes she sees in me. Of course, the Doubt Demon whispers in my ear that she is only doing all this to fool me but I know him now and I reject him and I will let the future unfold as it will.

I am no teenager (I'm 52) and one of the lessons Life has taught me is that even though it makes you want to die a broken heart is not fatal. I have survived others and if need be I will survive this one as well. I know only too well that you don't always get what you want in this life. All I can do is my honest best. By definition you can do no more than your best. If that isn't enough then I will have regrets until the day I die but I'll know that the outcome was not in the end decided by my own failings. That might just have to do.

Whoa! Whoa! If you beleive this then you also were ripe for an affair of your own. First of all, if your W had marital issues then she had the responsibility to come to you and express them. If you had responded negatively and continued on with your selfish ways, then her only other responsible choice was a simple one: Divorce you. Instead she keeps her misery to herself, stays married because she didn't want to be alone, and finally has an affair when the opportunity presented itself. To me that IS evil.

Always remember that while you and your W are BOTH equally responsible for the state of your marriage, only SHE is solely responsible for making the choice to have an affair and become pregnant with the OM's child.

TMCM

Hey- I didnt read of this in this thread... maybe I missed this? From what I read it seemed as if you had solid proof that she is STILL lying and cheating.... And my post was responsive to that scenario !

IF she is responding and IF you do feel it is only "demons" that are telling you she is lying, then I give you a BIG THUMBS UP !!!

And listen my friend you DONT have to tell me about the demons.. they ate me up and spit me out for a long time... and they are going to be there for some time. You are going to suffer and hurt for some time, no matter how wonderful your W is... BUT if she is honest and open - and giving you access to her "personal" life... and is soothing your fears, THEN it will be much easier to begin healing.

I just dont believe she is- and that may not be what you want to hear, but my gut feeling (of course only from reading your "soap opera" (which has been virtually the same story here over and over and over again a THOUSAND times)... I have a feeling she is definitely still in the A actively (maybe a lesser degree, but still in it). I can't make myself tell you what I dont see here. It irritated me just to think she left you for the weekend- she has no reason to WANT to leave you in all of your pain and insecurity and that just screams bullcrap to me... SORRY!

AND YES.. you ARE DOING soo much better than you think. You dont feel that way BUT oh believe me you can read some of the BS thoughts after dday and their rants and behaviours and you will see that you are AHEAD, yes AHEAD of the game!! Being rational and naming demons- HEY that takes some brains !

And I do no think you could possibly be a "doormat" at week 7- NO WAY. I was just giving you my random thoughts about BECOMMING or allowing that to happen. Right now, all you can do is dab your bleeding heart, maintain and just breathe..... !!

And as TMCM said-- dont you DARE allow your demons to tell you that this was what you had coming-- FEELING unfulfilled in a marriage is absolutely something that MANY if not MOST feel at some time in the marriage--- its NEVER okay to just cheat and get pregnant. Dont let your mind go there, okay!

I am very happy to see you are back to working on your body! My H was also a bodybuilder and he can get back his muscle mass LIKE OVER NIGHT and THATS NOT FAIR !! Come here so I can twist your nose you brat!!!!

Ripe for an affair bro? I CRAVED an affair! I've been celibate for five years. The only thing that saved me from straying was a lack of opportunity, not a lack of willingness. I like to think that I would have stopped short in the end because of moral fiber but I'm not so sure.

My wife didn't exactly keep her misery to herself, she asked me for a divorce. It was that which sent me into mariage counseling two years ago, albeit alone, and ultimately led me on my own personal journey of self discovery and healing.

You'll get no argument from me that her affair was evil. It is the vilest most horrible situation I have ever found myself in. Why she chose to stay married and have a TWO YEAR affair and then come back is something that still needs to be answered. She hasn't come up with any reasons I can accept so far. As far as the baby goes, true, it was a terrible choice but he is here now and I refuse to let him become a symbol. He is my beloved son and I will protect him with all my strength from any harm, especially from me.

People can commit evil acts without themselves being evil. I know this because I have done much evil in my own life, to myself and to others, yet I am not evil. After much hard work I have forgiven myself and my abusers for the things which happened and cannot be changed. If I see my wife as the ACT rather than the woman I love whole heartedly, despite her faults, what hope could I ever have in achieving my heart's desire?

I don't know how this whole thing is going to play out. I HATE having the fate of my marriage and the life I've built in the hands of someone I currently completely mistrust and whose motives are unclear to me (my wife). I see things which give me hope but my demons are quick to point out how foolish I can be. Leaving the marriage is always an option but not until I have exhausted all my resources. I do know that wayward spouses CAN return and that the door is still open for us to have the kind of relationship we both deserve despite the odds against us. Will we walk through that door together? Who knows the future. Is it worth the chance of even more pain and trouble? Absolutely.

LOL Giovanna we're here at the same time. You jumped in between TMCM and my response.

Don't get me wrong, I KNOW she's still lying to me. What I don't know is the REASON she's lying. I am aware that affairs don't always just stop dead in their tracks. Isn't that what plan A is about? I tend to believe that she is just talking to him but I've made it clear that even this is unacceptable and that may be what she's concealing with her lies. Of course, it could be more than that but I kinda already know they were having sex. I don't need to descibe the Sex Demon to anyone here or the pictures he carries in his pocket. He can still hurt me but he's already used his biggest guns. It's the thought of continued deception, regardless of the activities, that torment me most now.

But check this out. Two nights ago I started making advances to my wife and she stopped me, said she couldn't. When I asked her why she said that when we made love she wanted to be making love to ME and that her partner in adultery was still on her mind. Was that hard to hear? You bet. But to hear that kind of honesty from my wife? When she has spent a lifetime concealing her emotions from everyone close to her and even herself? Wow! This person is just as alien to me as the one who had another man's baby, but this one shows promise.

I'm not going to go back to sleep. She can lie but she can't fool me any longer, now I'm paying attention. 25 years in Law Enforcement, two years as lead investigator for a PI and a mind as twisted as a pretzel leave me uniquely suited to ferreting out the truth. I ACHE for the day I won't have to ferret out anything, when I can look at her and see her smile and know what she's thinking. That's not such an impossible dream, is it?

P.S. Sorry ma'am but you're right. 10 years of sloth and 40 pounds of fat just dropped off like I stepped out of a fat man suit. It's amazing but the body remembers. If it's any consolation just think of the funny faces and noises we make when we squeeze out that last rep. God bless you G, you gave me my first smile of the day. Thanks

I'm really glad you see that as a promising sign. I trust the pain of hearing that was unimaginable, but yes...she was being radically honest with you, and that is good.

It's one of the things I've struggled with, and have yet to tell my BH...and we are 2 years into our recovery. We're not "there" yet, not by a long shot. My dishonesty by omission, I suspect is part of the reason.

You are doing very well campdog. Keep calling out to K whenever you can. IMO, he's def the one to talk to around here who will most understand your situation, and can give you step by step ideas.

Sounds like you have a "good handle" on what Plan A is. I like what a regular poster says about it, "Plan A is about being a Welcome Mat, NOT a doormat". I think you have that understanding. Also, always remember that you don't move to Plan B just because you sucked at Plan A. Rather, you move to Plan B when your excellent, Plan A didn't get the desired results, (in a relatively short amount of time), and when you need to protect any love you have left for your WS. In fact, for Plan B to have it's VERY BEST chance at success, you need to do a STELLAR Plan A.

Best regards,

~ad

Autumn, are you saying that after all this time after your A. you still miss your OM? Or were you saying that you did miss him in the begining?

I'm just trying to get understanding here, sorry if it's an offensive question.

Hi Wife~

Not offensive at all...

What I was saying, is that much like campdog's wife, I still sometimes struggle with xom being on my mind when my H and I are intimate. I've alluded to this before on here and have said that it helps to keep my eyes wide open during SF. However, no I haven't shared this with my H, YET. I'm a chicken$h*t...

That's why I see what campdog's wife said was a good sign. Who knows, maybe her motives weren't pure...maybe they were, but at least she appears to have been RH.

camp~ How did you respond to her when she said that?

Autumn, I know that you see this as a sign of honesty and I can see where it would be taken that way. I can see why Campdog took it that way. I think it would hurt to hear that from H though. I don't know that it would necessarily be a positive step for all couples. I pictured H w/ OW during SF enough on my own, it wouldn't have helped to know he might have been thinking about her.

Actually, I know I asked him if he did before. I don't know if I could have handled it if he said yes.

Hi ladies, thanks for your candor. Autumn I especially appreciate your insights since you have been where my wife is now. To answer your question when she told me her feelings I backed off and said 'that's OK baby, I love you. Go to sleep'. I held her in my arms and enjoyed the feeling of her body against mine and her breath on my shoulder. When I was sure she was asleep I went into the bathroom and cried. When I was done I went back to bed and slept like a rock. No bad dreams woke me up.

In the morning I caught her coming out of the bathroom and gave her a big hug and a kiss. I thanked her for what she told me the night before. I told her that while it wasn't easy to hear I knew that she was being honest and open with me and that I wanted her to know that I didn't miss it. She looked at me, really looked at me, and smiled and said 'thank you'. Then SHE kissed ME, something that is new in our relationship. As I watched her drive off to work I wondered if she was going to call him that day.

Hard work this plan A stuff.

CD,

I have nothing to offer you except support and hugs. I wish there were more we could do, but you are getting wonderful advice.

You are doing an amazing job. It may not feel like it, but you are.

You have a clear and beautiful way of expressing yourself. I suspect that is one reason why your wife must love you so. Continue to trust your instincts and just love her.

slh

Thank you ma'am, I can use all the support and hugs I can get.

Well, here are the results of my 'amazing job' so far. Wife and I are seemingly closer than we have ever been. She has even opened up to me a little about the affair. But the revelations are more damaging to my feelings than healing. First off it seems that SHE was the one who made the decision to stop using condoms. Seems they irritated her so they abandoned them. I wonder who's decision it was to decline any other means of birth control? What the hell was she thinking? Does she see me as that big a patsy? Is there some other interperetation I can put on this ugly revelation?

Then there was the Fourth of July. We went away for the weekend to attend an annual family get together (mine). On the way home we were having what I thought was a good conversation concerning the baby and visitation with his father. I am convinced that he (her partner in adultery) should be made to go the court route and she is just as determined to give him visitation independently. The problem here is that I am certain that while she has agreed to go along with the court route she will absolutely bring him the baby on the sly and lie about her actions. So much for NC.

During this conversation she said that no matter what decision we made that my son's father would always be part of our lives. I asked her what she meant. She said that 'what if he calls up and wants to know how the baby is doing? Should I hang up?" I said that that was exactly what she should do. She said that it wasn't right, that he was the baby's father. She became very angry and stated that no matter what I did I wasn't going to force her to be 'mean' to her partner in adultery. She said that he didn't do anything to her, that SHE was the one who broke HIS heart! From this I have determined that she has no intention of breaking off contact with this guy. She thinks that they can just be 'friends'!

I shared this with our MC and he got a very sad look on his face. I told him that this felt like the death knell of our marriage. He said that while he didn't know if divorce was the correct decision yet he believed that the outcome was really all up to her and how well she dealt with her issues. He also said that it was probably my efforts in plan A that has kept us together thus far. She went to see him individually the next night. Told me a little of what they discussed. I had told her most of what I had spoken of the night before leaving out the parts about divorce and the 'death knell'. She was very loving and affectionate. She said that she had told him of how she thought I was an 'extraordinary' man and of how much she wanted to make the marriage work.

I'm going nuts. How in the world do I interperet all the mixed signals I am getting? I've found little to go on in this area. Should I keep doing what I am doing for the time being and continue on in the hope that she will see how wrong her decision to maintain contact with her partner in adultery is? Do I listen to the Mistrust Demon and just assume that everything she says and does has an ulterior motive? I see all the signs of a second d-day coming but how much of that stems from my own inner fears and insecurities? If I could trust her words and actions and take them at face value then the simple fact would be that she is making a supreme effort to repair our relationship. I am not a man who is comfortable with emotional conflicts and conflicting ideas. God help me, I don't know what else can.

Campdog,

Your wife is still not out of the "fog" yet. This is common---I heard much of the same crap from my wife six months before the affair was truly over (she wasn't pregnant at the time, however). The stuff about abandoning birth control is typical of an affair---just like heroin addicts aren't particularly careful to use new needles, an affair is an addiction that comes with all the issues that addictive behaviors are characterized by.

I think you're doing fine. You're making good progress on many fronts. You need to (respectfully) negotiate an end to contact and an agreement to use the courts to allow the OM to get contact. If she's unwilling to do this, then Plan B it is---and I see you there no later than the beginning of September.

And I believe that it's unlikely that you will save this marriage without going to Plan B. Having said that, a good Plan A is essential. In baseball terms, it's the mid-relief pitcher that sets up a victory for the closer...