Just wanted to reply to Alphin on the addictiveness of exposing.....I'm going to have to agree with you there, I had to stop myself from making up flyers and putting them in all the OW's neighbor's mailboxes warning the wives they better watch their husbands....LOL (I didn't do it, but I wanted to.)

I know this thread is about the expected response, but I can't stress the importance of doing exposure in ONE FELL SWOOP.......hit everyone you're gonna expose to in the same day if possible. The element of surprise is ESSENTIAL.

After my crucial piece of evidence, my FWH was the first person I called, but I DID NOT tell him the rest of the plan, just wanted him to stop lying to me, and prove to him that all those months of telling me I was crazy were all LIES.

Then I proceeded to call:

The businesses adjacent to his store (They're close knit around there and the OW's store is right in the little chain of stores, so it was the equivalent of exposing at his work)

His co-worker's wife, who of course already knew, via her husband, and got a little defensive, telling me "I really think that's HIS business." I said "I disagree, since he is my husband. But I'm not asking you to take sides, I merely wanted you to know"

His Mother.

His best friend and his wife.

Another close friend of ours.

The Great Aunt that has custody of his son. I told her the situation, and that I could not guarantee what went on at his house, as I did not live there. She said "I don't think that would be a very good influence, thank you for telling me". (My FWH would NEVER have brought OW around OUR daughter, but I had the feeling that he wouldn't have any qualms about introducing her to his son).

Oh, and I called the OW, she of course didn't answer my call, but I left this message on her voice mail "I know what's going on now OW, that you lied to me, that you are having an affair with my husband, and I want you to know that he has NEVER stopped sleeping with me this ENTIRE time, if you'd like to discuss this, my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX."......she never called LOL

So all day long exposure day, people kept coming up to him (and probably her) asking him what was going on......which agitated him BIG TIME.

It didn't END the affair, but it put another nail in it's coffin.

My relationship isn't sunshine and roses now, but it IS affair free.....and that's a start.

-Caren

My own preference for exposure is much sooner, rather than much later. If I had it to do again, I know precisely the day and time that would have had the greatest effect. Sadly, I didn't actually understand that it was an affair and find MB until six months later. By then, well, in most ways it was too late for my marriage.

In any case, I think the best thing people can do is take a deep breath, get themselves calm, and then pick up the phone and start calling. The day after D-Day is a good day for it.

Though I usually like Ark's reverse babble, I might try a direct, quiet, and simple statement when questioned about exposure. "I am looking for people who will help save our marriage. I need the support."

You could even leave out the second sentence.

I also prefer a more targeted approach like CarenMc describes. Telling EVERYONE is not as good as asking (not telling) for help from the people who have the most influence over the WP. All it takes is, "I'm so upset. WP is having an affair with OP, and I just found out about it. I love WP. Is there anything you can do to help?"

Almost all will listen with a sympathetic ear. Many will not be able to help. Some will. And it's true -- when you're a BP, you need as much help and support as you can get.

bumping for HurtsAlot

Mel, great post! Luckily I didn't have to expose, but if H hadn't dumped the "B" I would have been driving in my car with a meagaphone blasting out the window. When I found out about the EA part of the A I told H I was going to call OW, who was his office manager. He begged me not to because it wouldn't be "considerate". He asked if he could call her 1st to prepare her for my call. LOL! Now that is a fogged up H. "Sure honey! Please call OW so she is prepared from the call from your W. I wouldn't want to upset her!" As soon as he left the house my little fingers were speed dialing. Oh, the memories!

I just wanted to say that it really does help to look at your WS as an alien. I would look at H's dead eyes and it was kind of scary. I can remember writing on MB when he would walk in the room and refer to him as "the alien".

Arc, during the god-awful withdrawal stage, when I was fed up with the pining, I several times would say things like, "If your love with OW is so beautiful, then go follow your bliss! You should want others to know about how wonderful it is."

Just wanted to add that I couldn't stand Sue in SAA. I wanted Jon to dump her so badly. Hang tough! If my H who had OW on a pedestal, 17 months later looks at OW as a conniving "B", there is hope! CV

Great post Melody!

I don't recall mention of exposure in SAA either and didn't realize it was considered a valuable MB tool until after discovering this forum. I exposed unknowingly to trusted friends and family members because I was in very bad shape and in desperate need of a strong support group. Had I known its power as a tool, I would have used in more effectively, i.e. one big bang.

I have one or two last exposure cards up my sleeve, but SH has told me to hold off until he has spoken with my WH --- which happened last night. Tomorrow I have my own consultation with SH and this will be one of the things I expect to get his advice on.

Alph,
My husband didn't react overtly to exposure either. He is good at repressing his emotions, which is probably one of the reasons we find ourselves in this situation in the first place. He did, though, react. It was embarassing and made him feel ashamed, not necessarily for what he was/is doing, but that people knew what he was doing. And eventually he said all the standard textbook lines.

Adding to arkie's suggestion of things to say:

Dear, I just don't understand why you are so upset. You told me that you are going to do whatever you want, when ever you want with your best friend's wife. If you truly think this is an appropriate thing to do, I don't see why you are upset that people know about it.

Dear, if your adultry is really is as you say just between the the two of us, why was it kept a secret from me for so long? Why did your customers, colleagues, our neighbors, and our children know about it before me?

So being friendly with your employees is just part of your management style? Do you sleep with all of your employees or just the females?

Yes dear, I know that exposing your affair is counterproductive. That is the whole idea. Affairs thrive on secrecy and lies. Marriage thrives on openess and honesty.

MEL,

I forgot to get my compliments out to you the first time this post came around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is a good service your doing for those stuck or frozen with "indecision".
The whole "what if" syndrome.

I sincerely Hope that your MESSAGE reaches those folks who really NEED to "get it" for themselves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Keep it up.

Thanks CV55, LT, and TopRope!

I am bumping again today because we have a few who are vying for that extra special exposure/confrontation medal today and I don't want them to be disappointed when they don't get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

**snort** and I know you would do that, too! You are awesome! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mel for posting this. I may be one of those who need to read it, maybe should have read it yesterday before calling OW parents. But what is done, is done.

I must have done SOME damage to this affair. Her parents are the only ones I can think of who I can contact.

It wouldn't be right to contact the school where she teaches at would it ??? I mean, there are no children involved at my house. But I know that she has one or two. Not to mention a whole classroom !!! Too much though - right ? Without solid proof, this would probably not be advisable. Hopefully I did enough damage calling her folks.

Thanks again for all the useful information. Y'all are the best.


Carnation

I guess I am threadjacking AND plagerizing all on the same post....
call the Texas Rangers if you must....

I just read on of Orchids responses and thought how nicely it dovetailed on to this thread about exposure...

Orchid gave dead spot on responses that address the issue of post exposure in which the WS will play the

You 'infringed on my privacy" card..

oh the irrationality...
oh the irony
oh the hyprocrisy

Orchid's advice about addressing a WS lamenting and teeth gashing about privacy goes like this...


The WS is looking for a fight. Be slick as oil and don't give her any. Learn t/d the reverse babble and give her back her acidlike questions.

ex:

WS: I'm telling.

BS: Tell what?

WS: About you.

BS: Ok. The good and bad or just the bad?

WS: Just the bad.

BS: Ok. Who are you telling?

WS: Everyone. Your parents, mine, your work, etc.....

BS: Ok. I'll let them know you will be contacting them to give them this info.

WS: No. Don't do that.

BS: Oh but I must. Go ahead. I have to other things to do now.

This is not a threat. You contact all those she 'bluffed' you about. Remember don't treat it as a bluff. Just act. NO more warning. Here's another example:

WS: U have been getting into my e-mail. You are invading my privacy.

BS: What do you have that is soo private from your own H?

WS: Doesn't matter, you invaded my privacy.

BS: Hm..... welll thanks for letting me know you have something to hide.

WS: What does that mean?

BS: It means you have something to hide. I have things t/d now. Please leave me alone.

WS: What are you going t/d?

BS: Stuff. You don't want to invade my privacy right or do you have double standards also?

WS: I don't have double standards. Do what you like. I don't care.

BS: Ok.

At this point, you go be busy. Even if it is a walk around the block..... take your cell phone and let her know you did .

This is reverse babble. Taking the WS' stupid remarks and giving them back their own babble. It isn't easy and you may need to practice in front of a mirror.

Why do this? To confuse the WS. When she is acting like your W, treat her well, cordial at minimum. When she is acting like the WS, treat her fair but do not compromise nor accept her babble.

Here's a 3rd example:

WS: You have put some sort of spyware on the computer. How dare you invade my privacy.

BS: Yes I did put spyware. Why are you giving me reason to do so?

WS: uh... I am uhh..... not giving you reason.

BS: You are having an A. You already have compromised my trust in you. I put on that program to see what other hurtful schemes you are planning t/d to our family. Not sure if your OM is also hacking into our computer. He seems t/b hacking into our M and you are letting him.

Then walk away. Leave her in a dazed and wondering state. If she so much as stutters, you know you have her confused. The more angry she gets the less she is in control. Use that to your advatage but also protect yourself and your family. This includes financial protection.

L.

perfect responses...

without powerstruggling...
without blame
factual....
short
to the point....

they do belong on this post....

ARK

That was an excellent post for a yankee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

that's only cause a furrener wrote it...
she's from that furren country..

HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALOHA
ARK

\

Italy, Hawaii, New York, it's all the same to us! Anything north of the RED RIVER is foreign, silly girl! Like Bubba told me onct, if you are from north of the Red River, you might as well be EYE-ITALIAN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

When I exposed it was such a relief that I WAS NOT CRAZY! When I finally had the proof I no longer doubted my own judgements. I could trust myself.

Exposing to the community gave me such support. I live in a small town so news spreads like wildfire. One elderly lady who is very fond of my H volunteered to stay with my kids at 2 AM if I needed to go hunt him down.LOL. Lots of offers for free childcare now that I had to work full time. What a relief to know. This woman I know but not really well came up and hugged me in the middle of the pharmacy one day and said "I heard, I want you to know you don't deserve any of this, HE is a fool!" then she just walked away. The biggest benefit of this is that OW (who had moved out of town, but her mother still lives here) was constantly here at every event, she has not shown her face in this town since the exposure back in March. She complained to WH everyone here thinks she is a "B"

The other thing when I exposed people were not all that surprised. I got comments like "I thought they were a little too close for comfort." They lost alot of unknowing alibi's. Everyone was keeping an eye out.

WH made a comment "Its hard to show my face around town without people looking at me funny." I said "I know they've been looking at me that way since you became friends with OW."

bumping for those who are vying for an exposure reward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good call Mel.

Most WS writhe and snap like snakes in a rat trap after exposure.

So important for the BS to prepare for this likely outcome.

I am one of those intimidated by exposure. It seems(ed) like such a dangerous thing to incite that rage in someone I was desperately trying to keep in the house. I have never seen my H so enraged, he actually said I had no right to meddle in his affairs! He threatened to abandon me and the children, to just run away...

The morning after D-Day, he went and told his boss. I thought that was a good sign, that he was not going to try to sweep it under the rug. But he admitted a week later, that he honestly tried to figure out a way to spin it to his boss so that he wasn't the bad guy.

I screwed up exposure by waiting, now it will only look like retaliation. But, I still have avenues and now I can spin in saying that once he asked if OW would be able to attend family functions, well what difference does it make if people know now or over Christmas dinner?

I know I screwed up at first, I just didn't have th MB info or the OW info that I needed. But, I am done helping him normalize the A. I called his "other mother" and let her know. It was sad to hear her reaction-utter shock and disbelief. But he has estrange himself from everyone that will not support him in his selfish endeavor.

The OWH and the business owner should know tomorrow, and I will be out of town for the weekend. I wish I had had the balls and the info for this from the get go. But his business [censored](es) really covered up for him well, that made it much more difficult.

If I had to advise someone at this point, I would make sure that they knew that rage was the most common reaction, not just a slim possibility. This whole alien thing really did take me by surprise-I hate that I was naive.

Jean, it doesn't matter when or how you expose his affair, they will ALWAYS be furious and they will always view it as retaliation. That is OK. It does not undermine the effectiveness of the exposure.[the longer you wait, the less effective, though] Exposure STILL WORKS regardless of the WS' reaction. You are simply throwing away the greatest weapon you have against the affair by not exposing. You are ENABLING the affair.

What if you missed the "window of opportunity" and now I believe there has been NC for 2 months?

But... the last contact was an email from him breaking it off with my WW... so she may still be pining?

Also... lately, starting to wonder if there is recent contact... she took her rings off again this week and a couple of blocked sender calls on the phone and her cell phone. She is still in the house and things seem to be still progressing slowly.

And... there has been contact with OMW... she is inviting my WW to a bible study at her house. My W sent an email to her rejecting the offer with all kinds of niceties... but it makes me sick to hear my W talk sweetly to this woman who doesn't know.

Should I stay quiet and wait for proof of further contact and then expose? Or just let them know that it happened a couple of months ago and send the progress backwards?

I know... I'm one of those who still need to "get it". But our MC has counselled that it will hurt our M if I did it now. Plus both my W and I have read another book on A's which counselled no exposure as the BS needs to be "protecting" the WW. I understand the MB principles and the reasons for exposing... but after she has read that, it will be the biggest LB I could ever imagine... that is if she really is keeping NC.

Shaden

Jean, we were ALL naive. Do not hate that about yourself. I hate that we all had to learn this stuff the very very hard way. I didn't know my H was capable of the rage and words he gave me after I exposed ~ even though I learned here to expect them!

I just don't think any of us can prepare adequately for what happens. To see someone you love and expect protection from, become the opposite of what you know, in front of your eyes, is very upsetting ~ as it should be.

Hang in there, sweetie. This time will pass, one way or the other. Just hunker down and take care of YOU.

Spidey