Shaden,

It sounds to me like you need to do some snooping. There are some serious signs that contact with the OM continues or has rekindled. Do your homework. If you find proof that the affair is still ongoing, then it is your duty to inform the OMW. She has the right to this information. Without it she will not be able to protect herself and her family from a very serious threat.

Shaden, as long as the OMW doesn't know about the affair, the risk of resumption is always great because her H can pursue your W unimpeded. Your W can continue to contact the OM as long as his w is none the wiser. It is very risky to keep her other victim in ignorance, not to mention cruel.

How will the OMW protect herself from your W and her H if she doesn't know about the affair? My God, here she is actually inviting her victimizer into her home because she is ignorant of an affair. I think I would feel a moral obligation to warn her so she can protect herself rather than allow herself to make a fool of herself by inviting your W to her home.

I think your counselor gave you terrible advice that helps NO ONE in this scenario. It not only helps your W avoid the consequences of her behavior, but increases the risk of a resumption. May God help the OMW since no one else seems to give a damn about her best interests.

Have been snooping.

checked her emails, history, cell phone... even checked her Mom's computer (felt guilty about that one... going into her Mom's emails). I didn't know the password, but she had given it to my son so he could play a game on her computer.

I was out of town the last 2 days and she was off work... had lots of time to meet with him if she wanted, but her Mom was also here.

I came home last night expecting indifference... she wasn't greeting me at the door with smiles... but there was intimacy later... but from what I read here, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. She is going through a lot of emotions... because of moving (we have only a short time to find a place), her Mom having to move, etc... I've posted it all before. So, her indifference, depression, etc. could still just be all of these things. But I will continue to snoop.

Shaden

Call me selfish for giving a damn more about my own M. I have spoken to the OM and he said he was going to tell his W... still waiting for that to happen. Their daughter works at the Tim Horton's we go through (Canadian version of Starbucks...but better) and I feel guilty everytime she serves us at the window. Their son is my nephew's best friend. There is a lot of history between the OM's family and my W's family... both good and bad. The OM's uncle was my W's stepfather.
I want very desperately to tell the OMW and am very close to doing that... but I need to know it won't make everything worse. Yes, I agree it is right for her to know... but did I miss my chance?
Sorry if I am sounding angry... the advice is excellent and wanted... I am just struggling to get around this one in my own mind.

Shaden

Shaden, why in the world would the OM willingly bust himself if he didn't have to? He doesn't have to. And even if he did, the story would be so spun that she will NEVER get the truth. To expect that a lying cheat will tell the truth to his victim, when he doesn't have to, is very unrealistic.

And it still leaves the problem of the OMW. She is being destroyed behind her back and no one has the decency to tell her. Sure, your W will be mad because she doesn't want to face the consequences of her cruelty, but does that make it right to not tell her victim?

This woman has a RIGHT to know what is going on in her own life and that information is being cruelly withheld from her. She cannot protect herself and her children from your W and her H if she is kept in the dark.

If you have to have a selfish reason to be decent, here is one: the risk of a resumption goes way up if one of the spouses is ignorant of the affair. Your W can freely and openly contact the OM as long as the OMW doesn't know.

You have a chance TODAY to call her up and make this right. Better late than never. But to NEVER warn this woman would be downright cruel. And immoral.

Shaden, you have already had THREE D-Days and it is likely you would have had ONE if the OMW had been notified at the start. Are you setting yourself up for D-Day #4 by [i]continuing[i] to help them hide their secret?

Ok... you almost have me convinced. I am doing one other thing first... I'm contacting an aquaintence today who is in charge of the ethics centre for an international church organization. He attends our church (or the church we used to attend until the A) and knows everyone involved. I'll seek his advice as well and to see how best to do this so I make the least amount of damage to others (their kids, etc).

Shaden

Correction... I am not making the damage to others... my W and the OM did the damage... but I can try and control it.

Shaden

Good man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know you will do the right thing.

Let me give you another analogy. If you knew your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him would you warn him even though the bookkeeper would be angry at you?

That is how I see it, Shaden, and I am always confused why anyone would apply a different standard to adultery than they would anything else.

The OMW should be given the same opportunity you have to save her marriage. But if no one will tell her about the problem, she will never have an opportunity to fix it. And it will probably happen again if the problem that led to the affair is not resolved. Her marriage is headed for divorce if she does not know there is a problem and has an opportunity to fix it.

In other words, Shaden, you might be saving their marriage by telling her.

My ExOm said something similar...a month post d-day H and I called OMW together, and guess what - she had no clue. I had told her I couldn't talk to her anymore as I had developed feelings for her husband and left it at that figuring they would figure things out themselves.

I guess he had said that sadly I had fallen for him, and he had to do the right thing do to his previous affairs, and that my H was so mad at him, called him swear names, and it sucked. OMW never really understood why it all happened and was sad as she thought I was her friend.

When we called to tell her - she was blown away - how had we found the time? where had it happened, were all those chats more than just friends? Was he leaving her?

The main reason we contacted her is that OM still once in awhile dropped me a I know you said no contact but I wanted to make sure you were alright message or email....and everytime I cancelled one email account, he would email me at another and another.

The minute his wife knew all contact stopped.

So don't expect OM to tell his wife on his own - it's likely to never happen or to be his own deluded version of the truth.


Yumm timmies - running out to get one soon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> hehehe

Thanks, MelodyLane.

I have thought of these things and have been torn up over it... about the thought that the OM could do it again... but always went back to the thought that I have to do what is best for my M. That still may be exposing... I think I'm there.

Just one point, though... I'm not in love with my neighbours bookkeeper. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Shaden

You're right, Dorry.

The OM did say he was afraid his M would be over if he told her. He said that he would decide and if he didn't he would have to live with his own conscience.

But, if he gets away with it this time, it will make it a lot easier the next time.

When he says things to my W like he has loved her for years... when we have barely spent any time together except over the last year. We've gone to the same church and I played on the same hockey team... I've spent a lot more time with him than my W. This tells me he doesn't know what love is. He told me that his M is pretty good and doesn't know why the A happened. He told my W that he has never been really happy in his M... the type of M in that she became pregnant and they M'd... 20 years later, he is having an A. He says it's the first time, but I have my doubts.

Shaden

lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What is best for your marriage is exposure, because it cuts off an avenue of contact. Any WS around here will tell you this. Once their affair partner's spouse found out, they were too afraid to pursue the OP.

Just another thought. You are rightfully worried about the OM's children. Consider that the chances of their family staying together is much greater if the OMW has a chance to fix the huge problem in her marriage. However, the chance of divorce is much greater if the problem is never acknowledged or resolved.

At one point, my W did say if we had to tell OMW, we would do it together. This hasn't happened and I think she was just putting me off at the time. She would probably be furious if I brought it up again. Do I give her the chance to follow through with this... and take the risk of her warning OM, or just do it and "suffer" the consequences that you all are talking about... no medals for me.

Shaden

oh yeah... sorry about stealing this thread for my own posts... it was an excellent thread.

Shaden

I would make it as simple as possible and just make the call. If you tell your W in advance, then there is a strong possibility that she will call the OM and forewarn him so he can lie his way out. Afterwards you can tell your W and give her the opportunity to contact the OMW herself and apologize. She might want to wait some time before she does that, though. You are going to have to deal with an angry wife one way or another, better to deal with it AFTER the OMW has been told.

No matter how you handle this, Shaden, you are not going to get a medal. So it is better, IMO, to just do the right thing for all despite some temporary anger.

s'ok <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I went to get myself a Tim's coffee and thought some more.

How about this approach...

I would contact the OMW's friend, who is also a pastor. (I teach this person's kids piano lessons... everything and everyone is so inter-related). I ask her to meet with the OMW and myself so that she can be there for support. We arrange the meeting and when I know the OMW is coming to the meeting, I can then talk to or call my W and say what is happening and invite her to the meeting.

I would say that I know she will be furious and if she chooses to leave me for doing what I feel is morally right, then I will have to live with that... but I cannot live with my own conscience by letting this go on.

This allows my W the opportunity to be in the meeting and if she chooses not to, it will be too late to warn the OM.

Of course a hundred things could go wrong and it would be easier if I just called... but I want to give my WW the chance to do the right thing as well.

Shaden

Shaden, your w can do the right thing by apologizing to the OMW sometime in the future. I don't think she has to be the one to break the news to her in order to make amends. It really doesn't matter WHO tells the woman, just as long as she gets the correct story. Your W is morally obligated to apologize to her, not neccessarily to inform her.

I just don't think this has to be complicated. I think it is a WONDERFUL idea to have the lady pastor there with you.

She is going to be completely devastated as it is, but to have her victimizer right there might add to the tension greatly; perhaps even leading to violence. I would rather hear it frm someone outside of the situation, if it were me.