"Faithhopelove04, I am so sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how challening that must be to deal with. I am very thankful that he is willing to work on his part. I am willing to work on my part too, just every time I think I've overcome it- there it is... I have not attempted to push the envelope with this other guy in any way. But I think my resolve would be weak if he decided to do so. "

Catherine,
The reason it keps coming up again even after you think you've overcome it is that, well, you haven't overcome it! Seriously, you can kep putting a band-aid on a wound, but if it's already infected, it's not going to get better, only worse. You can keep praying, "God, make my husband change and help me not to feel this way." But I doubt that's going to help. Why? Does God not answer prayers? Of course. But His answer probably contains instructions for you. You have to be willing to follow those instructions and do your part.

Catherine, God speaks to us in many ways. One way is through fellow believers giving wise counsel. So, if you are listening to them, you will do what they have suggested - cut off all contact with the man (HOW you do it is up to you, your husband, and the church - it is NOT impossible), and get into counseling.

And back to the band-aid analogy - my ex supposedly prayed that God would change his heart and take away the feelings for the other woman, and help him to feel love for me again. But guess what? He kept feeding it by talking to the other woman, and even when he was trying not to, he'd get his fix either by fantasizing or staying connected to mutual friends who would update him on her life. Do you think it ever got better? Of course not. He even gave God a 6 MONTH DEADLINE to change his heart. Pretty arrogant huh? But that is what the "fog" makes people into. They become someone that is unrecognizeable even to themselves.

You can't just get into counseling and start putting band-aids on. You have to be willing to take action and do the hard, embarrassing, humbling, painful things. Whether you are willing shows how repentant you actually are.

And btw, it is my opinion that even if your husband completely stopped the porn, it wouldn't change the way you now feel. The fog of the emotional affair has already set in.

And this makes it better? What about the degradation and depersonalization towards the OM's W and children? What about the degradation and depersonalization to your own H and children?

While I don't equate porn viewing with an actual sexual affair it certainly does NOT mean that I'm pro-porn but since we are on the subject let me ask you the following: Does the porn aficionado actually fall in love with the porno women, leaves his W and eventually divorces her to be physically with them? Does the porn aficionado get an STD, passes on to his W, gets the porno women pregnant and has OC with them? Do the children of the porno enthusiast actually know the names and talk to 'daddy's girlfriends'? Do the porno women come to live with the man in his marital home after he kicks his W out and gets a restraining order against her on a bogus charge of domestic violence? Oh yeah porn is equal to an affair <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Look, porn IS very harmful to a marriage and needs to be addressed forcefully but the truth is, and always will be, that porn viewing pales miserably in comparison to a full blown affair in terms of the magnitude of human misery it causes and harmful fallout it produces beyond the married couple.

TMCM

Catherine,
Read your post and you sure are in a very vulnerable position. First of all your spouse needs some professional help. He has a sickness or an addiction to pornography and that is just not healthy for him, you, your kids or your church.

I don't know what denomination that you are a part of but perhaps you have professional help for your pastors through your church. If you think you want to go that route. Otherwise I would try a counselor or psychiatrist who is an expert in this area and can get some immediate help for your spouse. Your attraction to this other man in your church is problamatic that something is lacking in your own marriage. You are seeking intimacy and are not getting that at home. Don't persue these feelings with this other man. That will only add to the problems that you are facing now. Sorry to hear that his wife treats him badly that is frankly not something you are to be worried about. He chose this woman as his partner and he must live with her personality. Seek some counseling for yourself as well and be honest and open with your feelings for this other person. Your counselor can give you some good advice and guidance. You are at a crossroads and you have some important decisions to make at your present time. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. We all are good people and nurture one another's hurts and burdens but it can lead us down a destructive road if you are not careful.

I would suggest keeping these feelings to yourself and not sharing them with any members of your church because of your position as a pastor's wife. It will make it easier for your marriage to recover if your parishioners do not know about the dirty laundry as they say. You are not trying to hide your troubles, just trying to keep them confidential as they should be.

Hope I didn't offend you by offering advice. Just don't want you to make the bad choices and mistakes I have in the past. - Prayers and thoughts are with you. - Gypsy Wind

Doesn't work that way. From experience, I can tell you that this is a kind of thinking to lure you deeper into the affair.

No Contact with this guy will probably not be enough unless you take on some project, interest, etc., to replace these feelings. Just trying NOT to think about him probably won't work. Also, one thought is to talk to his wife -- she may not be the ogre you think she is. She may have gone through ten of these.

By the way, it's common for wives to think they are the reason for their spouse's porn. But you just can't compete with pictures. Pictures never gain five pounds, lose their temper, have PMS, or bad hair days. That's the appeal.

Internet filters are a bandaid, yes, but right now you need a bandaid. Have you tried CharacterLink? It's an unbreakable filter. The folks there (I believe it's based in Chicago) are very experienced and knowledgeable and would be good for you to talk to.

My WH/XH broke through another pretty good filter. The porn thing was driving me wild. I'm one of those who just couldn't handle it. CharacterLink made me sane again.