Well, here I am faithful to the end, and my situation seems helpless. It's only moments untill I lose all I have including my children, and my baby girl who I adore so much. All because my WS has her own objectives to complete. I wasn't strong and couldn't stick to the plan. I couldn't control my outburst. I just couldn't understand why, that a man like me, that has never done anything but love and support his family was being betrayed by the woman of my dreams.

And here I sit, moment before the lights go out, the house gets sold and I no longer have access to this site and no longer have a respectable place for my children to even visit. In my wife selfishness I will lose all that I have worked for and all that I love, just so she can pursue what ever it is that "she" wants.

So if anybody can learn anything from me. I guess it would be to stick to the plan, avoid your outbursts, and I guess pretty much just suck it up. Other wise you will lose your family just like I am. I now have to get rid of my two dogs that I love because I have no place for the to stay. Beautiful fish tanks that brought me joy will have to be drained and sold. I will still have my friends that have stuck by me through this whole thing and my family, but it's just not what I need, I need my family, the one I created the ones the were born to love me, the ones that look up to me. But, my WS seems to think that she deserves them more than me.

I just can't understand where I went wrong... I guess I do, but it could have been fixed without somebody else in the picture <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SLH - I am like you, and I think many women are the same. By leadership, I don't mean someone lording over the family in a selfish way. I am very active in my church, and there are many women that feel the same way. They are waiting for their husbands to step up to the plate.

Navyredman - I hope you won't give up just yet. You are still very new in this. Have you exposed your wife at work, and exposed the OM to his wife?

Count me in. I have been married for 23 years to a beautiful woman whom I adore. I have been as faithful as a person could be. The thought of straying has never crossed my mind. Maybe because I did in a previous marriage at a young and careless age. I betrayed my wife and we got a D. The affair ended before the D was final, but it was all in shambles. Maybe that is why I knew that I would never let myself be that weak again. I shattered my first wife's life and have felt the guilt to this day, a quarter of a century later.

My second W is now involved in an A and nothing seems to tear them apart. I have tried every trick in the book (Surviving an A). She is so lost in the fog that I don't see any hope. Some days are so depressing that it is hard to get by. Other days I can almost forget, but betrayal after such a long time is the worst experience of my life.
This forum has been an inspiration. I too am amazed that so many people can be involved in something this terrible. I too was raised a Catholic and am not very close to any church now. But boy do I pray. I think He is the only one who can fix this awful mess. Thanks for letting me vent.

yea, it's all been exposed, but it didn't seem to make any difference. I'm very down on everything today, I don't have much hope of anything at the moment. My wife has torn everything out of me, and I feel that she is having help though advice of friends. Whether or not it's paranoia it's still effecting the way I think. I have become something I have never been in my life. Short fused and out of control. I don't like it, I'm talking to my counselor about it and he says its a perfectly normal reaction and completely understandable under the circumstances. I'm not violent and I would naver lay a fingure on my wife, but I'm certainly not doing anything but love busting. It seems that every other word out of my WS mouth is a lie or some type of deception and it hurt to know that she can't talk to me or tell me the truth any more. I still love the women she was, but that no where to be found anymore, and I'm not the husband she loved anymore either.

I wish I had the strength to pull it together. I wish I hadn't pushed so hard and so far. It's just too hard for me to comprehend and I felt I needed answers.

I wish I could see a glimps of my wife again, I wish she would believe that I would give her the life she needs. However, being faithful and loving(not loving enough) was not enough for her. She needed more before her A and I know that now, and now, unfortunately is too late for our family. I still hold on to a hope that she would give me a chance, but that hope fades by the minute in this house.

Hurtsalot - Welcome. Keep hanging in there. I know how heart-wrenching it is at first. And it seems like there is no way to get through to a WS. However, many, many here have gone on to have better marriages than ever.

Navyredman - Paranoia is very normal. I was that way too. No one gave me support or hope. My WH's family sided with him, even though before they told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

But I have moved on. My life is very happy now. My husband is still living with his OW. But life is good again.

So you never got back together? I would have guessed by your posts that you had recovered.

Just checking in.

Married 12 plus years, together 22 years (high school sweethearts).
Adopted our daughter may 2002. She is now 3 1/2 years old.
Moved into new home September 2003
affair started december 2003/January 2004
I discovered it and went into denial around june 2nd 2004.
d-day january 28th, 2005.
wife claimed EA, but most likely was PA too
wife went through unsuccessful withdraw and contact with OM again on June 3rd, 2004 (just to get closure!!!)
Pretty much back to ground zero and most likely heading to a divorce.

Navyredman -

No, sadly, we did not get back together. I found this site too late. I had already thrown WH out. Never did Plan A or a good Plan B.

WH met OW walking our dog. Her husband had just been sent to Iraq. She was crying on the porch, and my WH tried to comfort her. It went on from there.

OW's husband came back from the war to find out that his wife was "in love" with my WH. She moved in with my WH, leaving her husband and 12 year old daughter. They have been living together all of this time, and things seem to be going well for them.

OW's husband is still taking care of his daughter. OW drops in to see her every couple of weeks. It is hard for me to understand. But that is the way it is.

Believer - I consider myself a faithful husband. But the occasional use of porn has been pointed out to be an EA, and I see that it can definately be construed as so. NC this year, except a couple of weeks in may. I now see that my "backsliding" may have been linked to feelings I was reading from WW as she slipped into this latest A.

Mortarman has been my rock. He posted to me about dying to self. I can not find it now, but when I do I will add it to this thread. We should collect all of his advice, and make a book from it. It is good stuff.

Yea, I like MM.

far

believer - I understand your objective. I also have the experience of 3+ years on the system and that "evenly yoked" versus "unevenly yoked" versus "married to each but not to God" is very real and plays a major part in recovery.

I believe that little that a committed Christian could say would be have much of an impact on a nonbeliever, and may often be met with negative, sometimes venomous response. Sort a "what's faith got to do with it?" type of response.

So, while I'm willing, and have done so many times, to offer "MB" based advice, I think the fundamental "starting point," or differentiation point if you will, is an individual's personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Without FIRST surrendering one's own life to Christ and putting Him on the throne as Lord of one's own life, "obeying God" has little meaning and no impact on any situation. People are left with attempting to use strictly secular means of help and in virtually every instance, to focus on what they, the individual, wants instead of what God wants.

So when I hear folks like Campdog, Navyredman, Hurtsalot99, FoxOr, Grovetuckyohio, etc., hurting and seeking help, I feel compassion for what they are feeling and going through as only a fellow Betrayed Husband can. But as a Christian, I KNOW that there is only one answer to all that we face, including the troubles of our marriages, and that answer is Jesus Christ. So, my "advice" is heavily dependent on "doing God's will" and "humble obedience to God's commands," and has been for all the time that I have been posting on the system.

The thread I began over 2 years ago was along that line of trying to "give back" to others some of the help that I had received as a lost and shattered Betrayed Spouse. But it, too, is decidely oriented to God as it deals with issues of forgiveness and trust that a BS MUST struggle with. They "must" struggle with it because an affair, whether the BS is a Christian or not, DESTROYS a person's ability to Trust and hits at so deep and devastating a PERSONAL level, that Forgiveness becomes a major difficulty. Even for Wayward Spouses who have committed to recovery, forgiving themselves is one of their toughest challenges....because love means forgiveness and opening ourselves to vulernability again...AFTER we have learned the reality that we CAN be betrayed by someone we love "totally."

If you'd like the URL to some of my past threads, I can give you them or post them. Here's the one on Forgiveness and Trust. You can read it if you'd like and tell me if you want anything else.

Forgive? Trust? Really? What has been learned in the past year?


I also "hear" what you are saying about women (or at least many women) wanting their husbands to be the "leader" in the home. But how is "leader" defined? What "leadership role" does a woman want her husband to assume? For me that "role" is commanded by God, as Christ's "stand-in" in my marrriage. It's not even that I perform that role "flawlessly," but that I try, that I learn from mistakes, and that I confess shortcomings, seek forgiveness, and CHANGE to improve myself (and thereby improve the marriage also).

Here’s a little snippet from my 2nd thread, shortly after we began recovery and marriage counseling:

“He also asked her about what she felt were my major failings as the leader (biblical commanded headship of the family) and then what she felt I had done right in the area of headship of the family.
She was a little reluctant at first, especially to answer what she thought my failings were, but I told her it was alright and to answer honestly. We need to know the areas that we see as "failings" of each other so we can learn to improve on areas that are important to each other. Honesty and openness happens to be my number 1 EN, and it is really refreshing to be able to talk honestly without feelings of anger or defensiveness.”

If you, or others, would like to read the entire thread, here is the URL to that one from what seems like " a long, long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away...."

Miracles happen when you are obedient to God.

God bless you as you seek to help others in their time of need.

I am reading here, too....

I haven't been posting near as much as I used to....

At this point, I am actually looking forward to my D...I have so much more to experience in my life...I am starting to see this as an opportunity instead of a crisis...I am glad to still have time on my side...somewhat.

I was completely faithful to my W during our M.


TM

Foreverhers -

Thanks for the links. Personally I don't see a problem with posting from a Christian viewpoint. Folks can learn from it or not. It always amazes me the time they spend giving their viewpoint. And that is okay with me too.

I'm still looking for mortarman's battle plan. I have a hard time with the search here.

The thing I find so sad it that the chances of an affair turning into a happy marriage later are less than 2 to 3%. So many, many people are hurt, or changed forever, and for what?

Speaking of battle plans - have all of you men exposed the affair?

believer - I know what you mean about the dismal "success" rate of marriages that begin as adulterous affairs.

But they are in denial. I see denial all the time in my line of work, but reality has a way of intruding. In my business people tend to take the attitude that problems with their health will always happen to the "other guy," and not to themselves. Most of us here (as Betrayed Spouses) have felt that an affair could happen in someone else's marriage, but not in our own.

Many WS's have thought that they could never get involved in an affair, until it "snuck up on them" and their "friendship" with a member of the opposite sex got too involved and personal.

Now, as to the "battle plan." For Christians it is very simple humble surrender to God and obedience to His commands no matter what we might be feeling. God is sovereign and has the right to command. We have the duty and obligation to obey.

I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but in the final analysis, that IS what it is all about. Until we surrender "control" of our lives to God, we will continue to be at risk for poor choices and the "lusts of the flesh."

God bless.

Foreverhers -

Our pastor gave a sermon on adultery about 4 years ago. It stuck with me all of this time. He said that very few people choose adultery. It happens more often that men and women don't maintain their boundaries and safeguards.

He advised us to never get in the position where we could be attracted to the opposite sex. We need to take great precautions. Never tell a member of the opposite sex your problems, don't be alone with them. If you feel attraction to someone, immediately run the other way.

He travels extensively. He gave an example of being in a hotel back east and running into a woman that sat by him on the flight. She sat with him at dinner, and they continued their conversation.

Red flags went up for him, and after dinner, he immediately excused himself and went to his room to call his wife.

I hear you Forever loud and clear and I thank you for the links you posted. You're right, I am hurting and seeking guidance and God is giving it to me, in His own way, in His own time.

Does it really matter if you call Him Jesus Christ or I call him Lord? Isn't the belief more important than the doctrine? I was raised Christian and I remember being taught God is all things. I'm uncomfortable arguing matters of faith since they are ultimately unarguable. In my mind it only comes down to do you believe in Him or do you not. My own personal belief is that to doubt the existence of God is to deny all evidence to the contrary. That doesn't mean that I would ever think that I have an inside line on the truth or that anyone who disagreed with me was 'wrong'. I would be dead right now without my belief in a higher power. I call that power God. I have no confidence that I can ever know his true nature, I only knows that he loves me and watches over me. If someone is in disagreement with that belief I feel no need to convince them otherwise, we are each responsible for our own destinies and we all find our own paths.

I hope that this thread doesn't boil down to a theological discussion because if it does I will lose interest. I have already felt His awesome hand on my shoulder here and I would be sad to leave. Christian, Jewish, Animist or Atheist we are all PEOPLE here with a common bond. The fundamentals don't change no matter how you interperet them. Being a good person and holding a hand out to each other is what it's all about, no?

Campdog - Thanks for keeping up with this. Have you exposed your wife's affair?

Anyone still here?

I'm still here. More actually returning. I've seen most of your posts before. I used to be bobby milk shake. No spaces in between. Had to go incognito because the ww found my info and gave it to the OM. Really pissed me off but I decided to come back under a different name. Hopefully they leave me alone now. This site is sort of my support group since I'm usually alone right now. It's been a lonely road travelled lately. So, what's going on here? A post for BH's. That good to know that there are others giving the good fight.

Hey TreborRose - Good to see you again. Sorry to hear you are usually alone. There are a bunch of guys here right now fighting the good fight.