You haven't even met him and you're asking him the top 4 things he's looking for in a partner? While you are in this huge panic about being pregnantwith some other man's baby?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

??? HUH ???

No, I met him last night. And the reason I got to ask him this today is because he asked me last night what I was looking for, so I gave him my top 4.

We've written I couldn't tell you how many very long emails to each other over the last week or two--most have been very in-depth about our beliefs, our values, and any number of other things. And we email back and forth pretty much daily.

Then, the first time he called me, which has been a week ago, our phone conversation lasted 189 minutes! (Yes, over 3 hours!) And we only gave it up at that point because it was after 1am, I had to work and he had class, and our phones were both on chargers because they were running down. We've had several additional lengthy phone conversations since then (none that quite made it that long), and then last night we were together for a good 4 hours or so, dining, walking, driving around, and talking--a lot.

I pretty much have his history from childhood, his beliefs of a Christian man's role in a relationship vs. a Christian woman's, the entire history of his 15-year marriage as well as quite a bit on the two other long term relationships he's been in since he divorced 5 years ago. He knows about my marriage, the issues with my ex's alcoholism/drugs, my daughter's struggles in school and with life (he's a special ed teacher so that's where we sort of started, and his brother has many traits of ADHD though back in those days was never diagnosed, so he has a good understanding).

I know all about his kids--he knows all about mine. It goes on and on....

So I really don't think it was wierd my asking him that question. It was just another of our questions to each other.

Like I said, I am able to talk to him about things was never able to talk to my own husband about in 19 years of marriage.

So, even though we've only met once in person, I actually know way more about him than I've know about any of the other guys I dated, even those I went out with more than once (and sadly, way the heck more than I knew about the guy I slept with).

None of the other guys I was with felt all that much like long-term relationship material. This guy--if he said "LL, I'd like to see you and you see me only", I'd jump at the chance. And actually, I don't think he's seeing anyone else right now, because I get a synopsis each night of how he spent his day.

And as for being in the panic about being PG with someone else's baby, he is full well aware of that. The cards are on the table. Yes, that frightens me--that he may well walk if I am PG. But at least he knows upfront the situation.

LL

Well, how are you?

Praying for you,
Dawn

It's been a while since I posted, so thought I'd update.

First, I have to say, my Wednesday night date did me a world of good. Just the fact that he was willing to drive 275 miles round trip to meet me, given what I'd dumped on him said a lot about him. And then we had a very nice night, despite the issues going on, and he has emailed me several times, very in-depth stuff as usual, since our date. And he's made it very clear he finds me interesting.

But what is probably even better news is that as of today, I'm finally believing that I'm not PG. The cramping has persisted all week. The spotting did to, but finally today it's gotten heavier. Still not exactly a normal cycle, and still quite a bit earlier than normal, but the two of you gals who mentioned that you've had this happen--we'll, I'm thinking you may be right about me.

I'm still probably going to do a PG test on Sunday or Monday just to be sure, and I still have the Dr. appt on Monday to check for STD's.

But the relief I'm feeling right now is just about unbelievable. I'm exhausted though. Total lack of sleep this week, I haven't eaten well, and when my anxiety kicks in, my metabolism goes into overdrive. I've lost 6 pounds since Monday. So although I have tons of things that need done around the house because I haven't touched it all week, between stressing, working, and going out on Wednesday, I'm going to try and get a good night sleep tonight. It'll all be there in the morning.

I owe God an incredible "thank you" for pulling me through this, pretty much despite myself. I am not impressed with how I collapsed (although we are talking about a pretty major issue here!).

At any rate, God did prove that He can do things with something that looked hopeless to me. Who knows, maybe this was what I needed to get me out of something that wasn't good for me at all and point me in a direction that might have real potential.

That said, this new guy was supposed to go on Iowa's big bike ride starting tomorrow, but some things happened in his brother's in-law's family and now he and his brother can't leave until Wednesday, so they'll only be able to do the last half of the ride. Bad for him, but he contacted me today asking if I was busy over the weekend.

So, this time I'm driving the 275 miles round trip tomorrow afternoon (he would have come here again, but I sort of insisted it was my turn) and he's taking me to see things I've never seen before on his side of the state.

I'm excited. He survived the major bombshell this week. He and I have had the no-sex-before-marriage talk and did pretty well with that (he agrees that we aren't supposed to, according to God's word, though had to admit that he did finally become intimate in both of the long-term relationships he's had since his DV five years ago.) There is, of course, more past that I should eventually share with him, but right now I think I've shared a plenty. I think it's time for us to both breathe and just take things easy and see what happens.

--------------------------------------------------------
So, with this update, unless things turn around for the worse again, we're going to consider this very painful chapter of things to be done. You all have no idea how much all your advice and support has meant to me!! I have no idea what I'd done (besides go totally bananas!) if I'd not had you to talk to!

I may reflect on everything for a bit and do a separate "what I learned" post, though.

LL

Not to be a wet blanket, but this would be way premature IMO. Why do you want to jump at the chance of committing exclusivity to a guy you hardly know (and I do not buy the argument that your long conversations mean that you know him.) Like I posted on many occassions, words are very cheap and poweful, and many people out there in dating land know how to say exactly the right things to take your breath away. Especially when it's all done in one 4 hour long conversation. Real connection comes from getting to know a person over many months, not over one all-nighter conversation.

You have just gone through a very difficult and scary experience, and I think that you were in a very weakened and vulnerable state - and this new guy happened to step into your life at the right time and acted as your crutch. That is fine. But please spend some time getting to know him from a position of strength, instead of one of panic and the feeling of "no one will ever want me".

By all means, go out and see this guy, but slow down on the whole exclusivity and soulmate stuff - if it is meant to be, it'll happen. Don't give away your heart too quickly, it is something to be cherished and protected until it is earned.

AGG

AGG,


Okay, to clarify. I'm not thinking I'm getting married in the next month or anything. But as exciting in a way as seeing multiple guys and just trying to be "social" was(which didn't work so hot anyway), what I found is that it is hard for me to concentrate on multiple guys, schedule multiple guys, and frankly, it just never did feel really right. Just the way I'm wired, I guess. I'd rather concentrate on just one at a time, if I can find one worth concentrating on. And no, perhaps I don't know him, but I do know a lot about him now.

Sure, there are zillions of things I need to find out about this guy as far as what he's like to be around on a regular basis.

And don't take this personally, but I cringe when I hear the term "soulmate". Probably has something to do with the whole BS/WS and OW thing. I think there are people in this world that we're well suited for and people we're not. But to say we have this "soulmate" out there, I don't so much buy that. All relationships take work, and none will just float along in bliss by themselves (which is what the interpretation of soulmate would seem to suggest.)

However, I do think he's a very intriguing guy from what I've seen so far, and I'm most interested in getting to know him better.

So that's what I'm going to try and do.

As for giving away my heart, if you mean about all the long in-depth conversations, that'd actually require a complete personality switch from me. Right or wrong, good or bad, I'm a very open person. It's just who I am. I have been told by many that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know that's a prescription for disaster with the wrong person, but it is who I am and who I've always been. Some people are very reserved, and some aren't. People who meet me are probably going to get the latter, if I'm comfortable with them. On the plus side, I find that if I'm open with others, it seems to make them a lot more comfortable about opening up to me (didn't work with the EX though.)

LL

Understood. I am actually the same way, it is nearly impossible for me to be seeing more than one person at a time. I can't keep everyone's story, family situation, kids' names, jobs, etc, straight if I am in contact with five different women. So I understand.

However, there is a happy medium between multiple dating 5 people simultaneously and being exclusive with one person. That happy medium is the one that I try to shoot for at the outset, and it is the one I am recommending to you. It is the medium where you have met someone, you are intrigued by them, and you are interested in seeing this person again - BUT, you don't start making COMMITMENTS to exclusivity (not marriage, but exclusivity). Please realize that exclusivity is a very big commitment, and should not be made lightly, or after one date.

Again, I have made that mistake several times, and what happens is that I get involved with someone who seems awesome, great connection, etc, and we become exclusive, and all of sudden on the fourth date she unloads some bomb on me or I just discover something about her that is a deal breaker for me, and suddenly we have to "break up", with all the associated hurt feelings and drama.

So what I am suggesting is go ahead and see the guy, and don't date anyone else if you don't want to, but don't make these promises and commitments of exclusivity, just enjoy his company, observe his behaviors, but don't start mentally picking out the wedding dress. If all goes well, great; if not, well, this is why we date.

AGG

You seem to be doing so much better than the last time I read & responded to one of you post. That was probably around Valentine's. I am glad to see you are doing better and moving on. Things are horrible for me. I am getting the divorce I never wanted. I feel dark, depressed, lonely, pathetic, shattered, etc. I wish I could fast forwadr three years into the future. If it was not for my three beautiful kids I would curl up in a ball and die.

I'm glad I read this tonight AGG. I just got off the phone with my 1st phone conversation with a guy I have e-mailed with a couple of times. I'm already mentally picking out the wedding dress and moving my furniture into his house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> The conversation just flowed so well... and we laughed.... and it was a short conversation so it left me wanting more... *sigh* OK OK ... I'll chill out, I promise. GOtta get to know him... gotta meet him first. LOL

Well, as far as I can tell, things are still looking promising on the front that caused this whole mess of a thread for me. I still won't be for certain until all the test check out okay, but I'm feeling a whole lot better.

Now, as for this new guy, though:

While neither of us have even suggested the word "exclusivity", I fully plan on dating no one else as long as I'm seeing him. In fact, I'm seriously considering hiding my profile on Match, because I"m not interested at this moment.

A long distance relationship is not going to be easy, but let me tell you I drove 225 of the easiest miles today that I've driven in a while.

Met him over in his area and we had a wonderful day! I just got home--it's almost 2am! We met his brother and wife at a Mexican restaurant for dinner (he has to think at least a little of me if he's already comfortable having me meet his family).


Lots of things made it wonderful, but I think the clincher is this...

He has an awesome singing voice!! He had joked around a while back about listening to Kenny Chesney (I haven't been into country music for some time now, so haven't really ever heard any of his stuff) and told me how he and his son like to sing to some of the songs. I told him I'd have to hear that sometime.

Well, he got brave and let me hear it tonight while we were driving around--to both Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw. And I about fell out of the car seat! He claims to be a shower singer...said he really never sang much until a few years ago. I just sat there with this big smile pasted to my face for like 30 minutes.

(I am a music nut. I've always thought how nice it'd be if I met someone who could play piano or guitar. Never thought about finding someone who could sing. It's very nice!)

So, I'm thinking we probably will have a third date... Could always be wrong??

LL

You kind of spend a lot of time riding an emotional pendulum don't you... Nothing wrong with being a feeler, but it must be quite a ride.

My new/old boyfriend (LOL I never know what to call him.We apre planning on being married, but thats so far away, and fiance sounds so 20'ish and i am almost 50), anyway, I had forgotten how nice he sang I remember hearing him a couple of times in church at camp long, long ago. I had totally forgotten that part of him.

While we were apart in the 80's he sang in a gospel group and they made a couple of albums. He copied them on CD for me and gave them to me the first time we met after 32 years so I could catch up with what he did with his life.

I was so amazed!!!!!! He has several solos on the album and I love to just put it in and hear his wonderful voice when we are apart. A few weeks after he gave CD to me, he took it back and when he brought it back 2 weeks later it had new song added. He recorded the song in his own wonderful voice "I will be here" for me and it made me cry. He is planning on singing it at our wedding.

I WILL BE HERE: Steven Curtis Chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake
up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here

Unfortunately, that does seem to be the way I have always been wired. The only time I'm not feeling my emotions is when I'm really, really depressed, and then they're just sort of dead. Let it be said, A/D medication does NOT have to take away a person's emotions (I'm still taking Lexapro).

But yes, this week has been quite a ride. I haven't experienced this level of swings probably since the ex's affair started.

I told myself on my drive home last night, and continue to try and tell myself now, "Don't get your hopes up about this guy, LL. It's very early. He may get tired of you after another date or so."

But I really do like him, I feel very comfortable around him, I enjoyed the heck out of hearing him belt out the tunes, and well, he did earn some major "heart" points when he chose to pursue this despite thinking I might be pregnant. And as of yesterday, when I met him the second time, he was still not sure because I hadn't given him the latest update, and when we were getting ready to go to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, he smiled and jokingly said, "But LL, you can't have a marguerita right now." That's when I told him, "Yes, if I want to, I believe it's safe for me." (Granted, I CHOSE not to anyway.)

I truly don't think some "user" who was just looking for a quick lay or a little casual fun would be willing to pursue something like that (though maybe they would see it as some sick thrill?).

Sunrise1,

Wow...that sounds really, really awesome!

LL

LL: I know you didn't just say that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

FR

Okay, attempt #2 to explain myself:

It would be my thought that if someone was out looking for something easy, pursuing a woman who might be pregnant (which thank the Lord I don't believe I am at this point!), who has made it very clear her intentions about SF before marriage again (and I have already had that talk with him, prior to meeting him the first time) wouldn't be #1 on their list.

There are a lot of for-sure-not-pregnant, okay-with-casual-sex women who would be a lot less effort for them.

My point: This guy is making one heck of an effort. I really do think he's sincere. (I met his brother and sis-in-law yesterday, and tonight he emailed me and said he thought they were pretty at-ease and impressed with me.) Generally one doesn't say these things to someone they're going to use and toss away. Do they??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and I might mention, he has not yet kissed me, but in his email tonight he asked me to elaborate on what I felt was appropriate for the beginning stages of a relationship (which I guess means we're going to have a date #3) and beyond, because he admits he's an affectionate person--likes to cuddle--but doesn't want to overstep any boundaries or make me feel uncomfortable. (I actually hugged HIM when I left last night.)

That's a bit of a change from the last guy...

LL

Don't "want" something so bad that you read into stuff what isn't explicitly there. Talk is cheap. You know that you have given into temptation at least once recently. Just relax and be confident that if it's *supposed* to happen, it will.

Rather than worrying about if *you* think it should continue, or what any of us think, perhaps see what the man upstairs thinks about the whole situation. Unless that signature line is just for show...

Jaye,

Totally agree! My prayer to God recently has basically been to not let me screw this up if it IS supposed to continue, and if it's NOT, to please protect my heart. And yes, I've also prayed for self-control, given that I made such a big mess last week and that I've been without "things" (other than last week) for a long time now.

Talk is cheap--you're right. I'm looking at actions. So far, they've been more than honorable.

LL