Journal,

I had a visit and cup of tea with my MIL and FIL tonight. The first time I have seen them since my Dad's funeral. We sat and chatted for a couple of hours. Mr. Midnight's name was not mentioned once. Sort of humorous when you think about it. I was dropping off some wine and presents for the kids. I enjoyed seeing them very much.

I sat and looked around the room at things we have given them over the years - brand new TV last year. It was sad, fun, and confusing all at once.

When I got home I started to organize the stuff I need up north, decorations, baking utensils, books, snow shoes, skiies... Mr. Midnight called and wanted to come in - 11.30 p.m. our time. I asked where he was calling from and he said outside. Which means I sort of know what he was doing tonight. I suggested we go over the billings in the morning.

Wow what a different Christmas from last year. I am not sure I am that sad. I feel alittle empty and definitely confused. I suspect though in the end - what should be will be....

To One and All...

Wishing you all a very Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!, I am just about to hop in the car to go pick up Mom and head out to the cottage. We have internet up there but I not sure I will have a lap top available to use. If I don't, I will be posting after Xmas. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers, particularly Terry!


Cheers,

PB

Just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas!

PB..stay warm. Oh a cottage, sounds devine.

Quiet Christmas this year (actually all quiet since 4 of H's sibling of 7 don't talk to us and the 2 that do have other family ties).

Kids wanted a "pot roast" this holiday...easy on Mom.

Peace,
holiday

DukHunter, I hope the holiday meal was wonderful. I've smiled greatly just picturing you creating it all..

And Paradise, a lovely cottage with your Mom..probably the best plans for the holiday that I have heard yet.

We have been very peaceful here.. Half of us down with some sort of flu, and the other half enjoying the time alone..lol

I thank you, Holiday, for your advice and thoughts previously. I have so many questions for my own knowledge of so many things. I read the archives here to sort through most of them. Knowledge is so healing to me. Thank you for sharing.

I have many prayers for the best of holiday blessings for all of you..

Eibrab

Hi All,

I hope everyone enjoyed Christmas.

Mom and I decorated the cottage, cooked and baked, entertained company, walked on a very slushy muddy beach and took it easy mostly. It went really fast.

I am back in town to take care of some business matters tomorrow and I will be heading out again tomorrow night.

I could not have pulled together the outside of Christmas any better than I did. Our table looked great. The room was festive with a cheery fire and a beautifully decorated tree. The food was yummy. Mom looked fab in her new ensemble.

However, on the inside it felt quite surreal. I missed my Dad and Husband enormously. It just didn't feel the same way I remember. Notwithstanding some long head down walks with the dog in the rain no less... we did make it through smiling mostly.

I was completely organized at least two hours before company arrived Christmas Eve. I used that time to count my Christmas blessings, calling near and very far friends to let them know how much their friendship meant to me.

Holiday, Dukhuntr, Eibrab, Familycomesfirst you are all on my list of blessings.... I hope each and every one of you has just a great New Year's Eve and a happy 2006...

Cheers

PB

Hi Paradise!

I too pulled off my dinner for 11 marvelously if I do say so myself. I was glad to have the company of my parents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. My 70yr old neighbor came over and joined us too. Good food and some wine make for a good evening. I missed my kids who were at the EX's parents for dinner. That made it seem less than the usual Christmas for me also. Some of the usual joy and rememberance of prior holidays just wasn't a part of this year's celebration. Nothing we can do about that except for make new memories and try to still enjoy thoughts of the past.

I was fine all weekend but have felt more of the pangs of the "old days" today. I guess there was just too much going on to notice earlier. My dinner turned out great! My neighbor who is very handy in the kitchen herself even stayed after dinner to find out how I did the stuffing and the bird. No goose just a turkey. The goose goes to the oven next weekend.

Thanks to everyone for the holiday wishes and have a happy and safe New Year!

Hi Dukhuntr,

Not a bad Christmas when you can say you cooked a fabulous meal for family and friends. So how did you do the stuffing?

Life is all about change. While this Christmas wasn't as much fun as normal. It wasn't normal - so no surprise.

My Mom really enjoyed the time away. We talked..stayed silent...watched chick flicks...enjoyed our guests and still slept in practically every day.

The dog loves the cottage.. even being made to wear 'a dorky christmas light collar and poinsetta bandana' didn't faze him - he was running around going wahoooo! most of the time.

I really like the beginning of the new year. There is a starting fresh kind of feel to it. I always spend a fair amount of time on setting goals, scheduling projects, trying to sort out my priorities. Usually, I focus on very specific goals. This year I have a much broader scope. Everything is fluid right now - life is full of possibilities.

Maybe life is always full of possibilities but we limit our ambition with self imposed barriers of I can'ts which are really I won'ts. I think I will replace all my I can'ts with the correct terminology of I won't. It sheds a truer light on the self imposed limitations we all create out of an endless list of fears.

I wonder if you ever manage to stop being afraid of life or the consequences of life. There are things I am afraid of. I am afraid very much I will lose my Mom soon. She has lost her spark in a big way. I am afraid I will never love someone else as completely as I loved my husband. I am afraid that 23 years of happy memories will be shadowed by two years of sporadic pain and shock. I am afraid my Husband will become someone I can no longer respect. I am afraid I will not actually have the courage to live life as fully as I know I am capable of.

The list goes on and on. I think it is in a way healthy to be afraid providing you look at your fears regularly, holding them up to the light of day/reason... For the most part they are nothing but puffs of silliness...

Speaking of silliness.. the dog and I tried to make a snowman in the rain with sloppy wet snow. We succeeded in a fashion. Sadly though he shrunk in a matter of hours into a tumble of big snowballs which the dog then christened! Lesson being if you fall apart sure as heck someone will @#$%$ on you!

Cheers

PB

Hi B,

You have absolutely nothing to be afraid of. You have so much care and compassion and such a good character you would be fine if they dropped you into the middle of BF Egypt on your own. I don't think its a fear when you think of losing your mother, it's just a sad thought. It's the last ties to our childhood and the final seperation from our parents that is painful to think about.

We on the other hand who don't possess the self respect, dignity and poise you have do have some real fears. I fear that I will forever hope that a big revelation occurs for the EX. I know this is the last big hurdle for me to clear my thinking and get back to normal. This hope creates all the self doubt and anxiety for me. I can't go back and I don't feel comfortable moving on yet either. Hopefully the fears and doubts created by this will start to fade soon. Do you have the same sort of dilemma run thru your head?

Respect? That is a tougher proposition in my opinion. You think you know a persons character over the 28 years spent together or however long you two were together and suddenly they show something you could never see before. Did they change? Or did we change or both? I know my EX has changed dramatically just from what my mother saw in her before D-day. She even told EX she saw a more confident and outgoing EX blossoming. Little did we know why! I saw other changes that I could not explain and ignored them. Who knows what all has gone on in their minds. We certainly won't. No use in guessing or looking back now. All we have to do is to be ourselves and keep the respect we have for ourselves intact. That is why I have gone completely dark in a Plan-B with EX. To keep what respect and feelings I have for her somewhat intact. There isn't much left in either area to lose anymore.

The dog by the way was just letting other animals in the area know who's snowman it was and to stay away! I could never imagine you falling apart enough to let someone *&^% all over you!

Happy New Year!
Well, happiest it can be.
All is well here in Henderson. A quiet NYE with friends in from AZ.
Glad to read you each had a nice Christmas.
Thank you for your prayers, as my friend is doing well with the first "agressive" chemo treatment. He went in again on the 30th and haven't heard yet how that went.
You have both come so far PB and DH. I keep you in my prayers.
I will post soon.
Peace,
holiday

Hi All,

I arrived back in town, fresh from some really nice winter weather and a very enjoyable few days away. I spent NYE quietly with a bottle of very good bubbly and five dear friends - talking, eating and going for a starlit walk on a near by beach. Although after skiing and being outside all day a few of us were struggling not to fall asleep before the new year arrived.

The weather has turned colder so there was excellent skiing and winter type fun.

One fabulous afternoon I and the dog hiked wooded trails in just brillant sunshine surrounded by a dazzling winter wonderland. There is something about being out in the woods that makes you breathe deeply and smile from the inside!

Actually, although I enjoyed the holidays, I am happy too, they are over. Now I am looking forward to getting caught up and organizing my upcoming year. I have made another list!

I really didn't see Mr. Midnight over the holidays - which was just as well. He did call Christmas night - 5 mins to midnight to wish me Merry Christmas - but that was about it. I did hear he spent NYE in a bar and got falling down drunk. Wow, in the 31 years I have known him I have never seen him drunk! I suspect that falling down drunk pretty much guarantees a not getting up too quick hang over.

On the way home, I stopped in and took my Mom shopping for clothes. She is fun to shop with. She looks great in just about anything. My Nana always said when you stop buying new clothes you are getting ready to die. Given how much she spent tonight... looks like she is planning to stay around awhile to wear them!

In approximately, two weeks I will have been separated six months. I must say with each month my outlook and mood improves. I woke up one morning at the cottage with the thought I am more free now than I have ever been ....

On the flip side, I also had moments where I really missed my husband. Someone asked me how I was coping and I just said: On one level I am still just stunned. Part of me, doesn't believe any of this could be real. The rest of me is trying to find the postive. As I am on a 'husband holiday'. I might as well make the most of it!

I am not sure that loving someone who doesn't seem to love you anymore is that awkward after all. I have many good reasons to love my husband that go back a very long way. Long before his banana head days - he was truly someone who was a delight to love.

I believe we are all crazy at one point in our lives or to some degree all the time. I find myself hoping he finds whatever it is he needs to be happy.

I know I already have. I think a big part of happiness is the ability to appreciate what you have. I have some great memories. It has been a trying year.. but bottom line I am truly grateful for what I have, who I am, for my life so far. I am looking forward to next year. It will be different. Different is exciting in a way.

I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays. It is a treat no matter which way you look at it. Time off, good food and the opportunity to spend time with family and friends - indoors and out of doors....

Cheers,

PB

PS. The dog has breathed a sigh of relief, the antlers, flashing collar and a variety of bandanas with poinsetta and santa motifs are safely packed away for next year! I did see a lovely collar with jingle bells on it but I resisted it thinking Dukhuntr will be glad I have drawn the line somewhere...

Holiday, one night when I was out walking the dog in very cold crunchy snow I tried to imagine what Christmas in the desert must be like. No snow.. Reindeer wearing sunglasses?

Paradise,

I am glad to hear you have chosen to give the dog some semblance of dignity again! I'm sure he will respond and pay you back tenfold in attention and loving obedience.

As for Midnight, I never drank much until my seperation either and since then I have developed an rather bad habit of being a binge drinker myself. I had a good holiday season and only overindulged once in the two weeks but I for one know how this happens. Before a six pack used to last at least six months in my refrigerator. Now an 18 pack has a life span of maybe a week. Self doubt and an an overactive mind seem to go away after several drinks, at least until the next morning! Then real depression hits home. I have been much better lately by limiting all alcohol and it really evens life out. I think reality may be hitting home for Midnight too. I not going to suggest it will change anything, just that maybe his "new life" isn't too rosy anymore either.

You on the otherhand make me envious. I have been trying to think my way thru this stuff rather than talk it out to my friends and the IC more and more. I wish I could be more like you in that you seem to be able to put this in perspective and more logical terms than I ever can. I tend to let my emotions run rampant and it ruins my perspective constantly. Case in point being last week when I ran into EX at the basketball game. She tried to walk by my friends and I without even looking over and being the idiot I am I said hello and talked to her. She amazes me! She stood there with the friends we have known for 20+ years and acted like nothing had happened and everything was just peachy. My friends were polite but they all chided me for even acknowledging her. I just can't bring myself to ignore her like everyone tells me I need to. I think this is the part of me that is making all of this harder to handle. I do feel akward by still loving someone that does not love me back anymore. She made the last 28 years wonderful and special for me and we raised two great kids together. I think I will always love her for that. Finding the love for her that will allow me to let her go and find her own happiness is proving very difficult and challenging. Is it my taker talking still or just me being possesive? I'm not sure what it is but it hasn't faded much in nine months of seperation.

We have been thru another flood here in Reno same as NYE in 1997. Downtown bridges and streets flooded and closed and all manner if chaos and confusion. I spent most of the weekend at home putting Christmas away and doing household chores. I did have a wonderful NYE with a large group of old friends at a private party in a dry part of town. We revived an old family tradition of bringing in the New year with a "bang". From a shotgun that is! Shoot off a few duck loads to bring in the year on a positive note.

Well I better try and get some sleep, for the first time in my life I seem to be having trouble falling to sleep several nights a week and it's driving me nuts! I do more posting on those nights, but I pay the next day!

As a lawyer myself, I recall some "pointers" a family law practioner gave me in a family law seminar back in law school. "Empty the bank account." If she is truly planning to push him to a divorce with you, she will undoubtedly advise him to empty any joint account you hold with him. While I personally don't agree with this practice, it's probably not a bad idea to withdraw 1/2 and open a new private account, to protect your own assets. Also, most State Bar Assoc. would likely consider it a conflict of interest for her to represent him. If she does, report her to the ethics committe in your state.

Hey Paradise, Holiday and Eibrab!

Anybody out there tonight and want to talk?

Hi Dukhuntr,

Recovering from the loss of a long term marriage is a lengthy process - one that takes years not months. From your posts I think you have been making good progress in adjusting to the change.

This is not terribly different than dealing with a broken leg. You know it hurts now but can expect it to heal, that you will walk, run and heck even skip again. It is harder if you spend alot of time blaming or being mad at whoever or whatever caused the injury and easier if you just let go of the negative thoughts. Easier said than done as we both know but very true.

I find I am less bereft at the loss of my husband if I remember the good parts. I feel lucky to have had such a loving long term relationship that was fun day to day.

I wake up thinking - life is as it should be given the situation. Accepting that you have to use the metaphor again - a broken leg is the start. Certain expectations aren't realistic until it heals. You cannot run a marathon with a broken leg... you are not going to be singing in the shower with a broken heart.

There are things to do to help the healing - emotional physiotherapy of sorts. For each of us I think that is a different list of activities. Going duckhunting wouldn't be on mine but it works for you!

We both know reading and sharing experiences with people on this site is really helpful. It aids perspective to know that everyone who faces such remarkably similar situations goes through the same heart ripping agony. Many of the stories here are truly inspiring, Holiday's, Eibrab's and Familycomesfirst strength and resolve to keep their families whole, for example.

Every tough situation in life affords one the opportunity to grow. You have an exciting chance to decide who and what you want to be.

Personally I haven't figured that out quite yet. I find however it is a much more engaging topic to think about than worrying about what Mr. Midnight is doing or not doing.

I have not given up on my marriage. For the time being however, I am pretty much alone in it. So I might as well use the time productively.

Your wife's behaviour cannot dictate whether or not you will be happy or unhappy, yours does.

Being polite is always a good sign.... I am glad you said hello!


Cheers

PB

Hi CSJ,

Thank you for your advice. As it happens, everything is pretty much in my name. I want very much to trust my husband - at least as a business partner. I may be naive but I like to think after 31 years of friendship at the very least we will deal with each other fairly financially.

I have just read your thread. I am so sorry you are here.
You and your family will be in my prayers tonight....

Cheers,

PB

Hi Paradise!

Is going thru this stuff a growth experience? Or is it a trial by fire? I think of it now more as a test of my character under extreme circumstances. Can I watch someone I love turn away and invest herself in someone else after so many years together and not become an angry and bitter person? So far with help from more rational people like yourself I think I am winning that battle. It's still a day to day ordeal for me but it is getting easier.

Not being able to understand her thinking or motivation creates all of these possible scenarios that makes you wonder if you ever will truely know what made her decide to abandon the house, friends ,the dog and me. Can starting over at 46 be more attractive than what she left behind? Am I the problem? I'd like to think that I'm not, but what was? Clarity of thought for me used to be a blessing. I live a simple life and do simple things for my recreation. Hunting , fishing, golf and an occasional trip up to Tahoe to ski. Life was full of day to day stuff that was plenty to keep me occupied and I was never tempted to put the complexities of an A into it. What made her or Midnight decide that life was not exciting or complete without these A's?

Maybe I am just too simple to understand the attraction or the excitement. Maybe that is why it has shaken me so badly and taken me so much time and effort to start to recover. I have learned a great deal about the people around me and I have come to see that that there is much I have ignored and chosen not to see.

Her family now is in complete chaos. Younger brother #1 is awaiting his trial for his 5th DUI and was detained last weekend by security guards at a local casino for getting into a drug induced brawl with his equally drugged up brother on NYE. All of this occurred while B#1's 9yr old son was with them. EXIL's were called to get the granchild and couldn't seem to get there. Where my EX was is anybody's guess. None of them had enough sense to call me or one of my kids to help. And I thought brother #2 finally had his house in order. B#1 came by last night and filled me in on all of what is happening. Such a schmuck I am, I had no idea! Trust can be a fault if not given appropriately. Mine will be hard earned from now on!

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what has been the hardest thing for me to accept in relation to the A. For now I have decided it is the fact that someone I trusted so completely could be such a disappointment in that regard after such a long period of marriage. And I belive that is how I think of her now. She disappointed herself, the kids, her family and me all in one fell swoop. Not in the fact that she wanted to change her life , but in the way she chose to handle it. She took the easy way out for herself and built a soft landing for herself in that she had someone to help her make the change and support her in doing it. I do believe now that this is an exit A for her. He is not the end for her just a means.

Sorry to vent tonight, I am just getting all of the garbage in my head out there and maybe I can quit dwelling on it so much. I hope all is well for you and that you can get back to the beach soon.

Dukhunter,

I am sorry I missed the chance to chat the other night. I would have enjoyed your wisdom.

Eibrab

Hey Dukhuntr,

I tried to go to bed early tonight. I am afraid I couldn't settle down. The dog is with daddy and the room seemed quiet. I missed his snoring and little sleepy woof woofs.

Before I knew it I was weepy and feeling sad. So I decided to get up, poke around in the fridge (opting in the end on cereal and milk) and see if anyone was around to chat.

It is rainy tonight. There is thick rolling fog. All the street lights have halos. It suits my mood.

Dunkhuntr, in reading your last post I find I disagree. I don't believe your wife 'took the easy way out and built a soft landing for herself'. I think Harley has seen this scenario played out enough times to offer some very valid observations. He believes that affairs are relationships based on deceit and lying. Relationship based on deceit and lying in the end never make anyone happy. I don't think that in the long run her current situation will prove to be easy for her either.

It is hard to deal with the hurt, betrayal and feeling of abandonment. They are just feelings though - they will pass.

Much more important are the decisions you make. You can choose not to judge her. You can choose not to judge yourself. You can choose to remember the good times fondly and be thankful for them. You can choose to find things to look forward to.

I find when I am at my worst. One of the best things, I can do is take the dog for a long walk. That way at least one of us is happy. Plus being outside and moving seem to make the turmoil easier to deal with. Surely in your area, there are places where simply being there - makes you feel better.

The problem with hurting so bad. Is that our thoughts quite naturally focus on our hurt and on ourselves. Perhaps the best way to circumvent the circle thinking is to start thinking about someone else. Focus on someone else's concerns just to give your brain a rest. It will make it easier to cope, sleep and smile.

I know none of this fair. LIFE IS NOT FAIR!. You can however make it interesting. A quick look around and you will see many many people who are dealing with much harsher problems. No feeling sorry for yourself! It doesn't help!

Lets add up just how bad it really is:

You are healthy.

Employed in a job that while busy is one you enjoy.

You have two loving children who care very much about you.

You have a marvelously talented dog who adores you.

You live in a nice house with friendly neighbours.

Both your parents love and support you.

You have many friends who love and support you.

You have many talents, cooking among them that recommend your company to the fairer sex!

You know you can pay your bills. You know that you can on a whim go out and have fun for an evening. Alot of people can't.


All in all, even though you are grief stricken and coping with a very big loss there are still probably hundreds of millions of people on this planet who would switch places with you in a heart beat if they could.

It doesn't seem so bad when you really look at it from 30 paces back or perhaps more aptly put several thousand miles away!

I hope you feel better soon. What happened to the blonde cutie? Why not give her a call?

Cheers,

PB

Hey there Paradise,

I've been out with my fantasy football league at our year end banquet or I would have gotten back to you sooner. We ended up watching the USC-Texas game and having a really good time. Want to hear another coinsidence? One of our league members is the EX's landlord! Reno is a really small town!

You are right as usual. I have much to be thankful for and should not be feeling sorry for myself. I do miss her so much though. Just seeing her the other night tore me up again and that was just a hello and how are you. I wrote her a letter and I have not sent it yet asking her to attempt to tell me how this happened and what her thoughts were in making the decisions she has made. I lost it in the restaurant or somewhere in between work and there. Now I am not sure I want to send it. What purpose would it serve other than to frustrate me even more? What do you think? Would knowing Midnights thoughts and emotions help you recover faster? Do you think either of them could express their thoughts in a way we would understand? I am not going to send it yet I am going to re-read it a few times and try to make it as clear and unemotional as I can first.

As for the blonde she is way too focused on other priorities to make me one. She told me after the last "date" she would not be able to see me until after the holidays and I called her yesterday and no response. I don't believe she is that interested. I think I still give off the wounded soul vibe and she can sense it. I know I still feel awkward and unsettled when I do go out with someone else. Even just female friends make me feel this way. I think I need more time to let the baggage lighten up some more. For now it will be me, the dog and the ducks!

Hey Dukhuntr,

I keep trying to get to sleep and for some reason tonight...I just cannot settle down. Oh well...

I think writing letters to express concerns, vent emotions is a really great strategy. In this case, however, I would not send it to her - period. I think your best hope for a reconciliation is to stick with some amalgam of the 180 or Plan B approach.

Asking her why tells her that you are still hurting... You have a much better chance of success sticking to the proven strategies...

It is hard seeing them. I go a country mile to avoid it but when I do I am unfailing polite and considerate with Mr. Midnight. Just good practice I think...

I wouldn't be discouraged with your lady friend. She may be just giving you some space to heal...

Cheers,

PB