I exposed to OW Husband last Thursday and my WH is still so angry with me. I suspect either OW or OW Husband have made up stuff I didn't say during my conversations with her husband and told WH. Stuff like I hired a private detective to take pictures of them, that I'm going to take my WH for all he's worth. That is the stuff WH is throwing at me...and saying that I can't be believed or trusted. I know you guys said this was tough. I am so sad. I feel like my family never had a chance.

I don't want to call OW H again because he may be the one making up the lies to scare OW into staying.

Trixie -- Exposure was NOT a mistake! NOTHING could be worse that their own sneaky, deceitful, rotten behavior. Good work.

Exposure is never a mistake. When H started his EA 6 months into our recovery - I emailed someone from his single forums where he advertised he was "seperated" - he was angry for days and within a week asked me for the real seperation. He was more angry as he was afraid it would get back to the OW from the boards (I emailed the wrong OW I guess) and she would know the whole truth (she had been told he had been seperated for over a month at that point and now that the A is done, probably still believes that - although she does know he came back to me)

He told me I was being vindictive and would always be out to ruin his life, first my affair, and now that he felt he was justified to have a life of his own, I would be out to ruin it - I reminded him we were still married and when he was divorced from me I would always stay out of his business, but until that time his business was my business too. His mother took his side though - oh she is just a friend...and still to this day believes that, and thinks I was just assuming he did what I did (he hasn't told her the truth yet).

I wish I could have exposed him to the real OW...but I don't think it would have helped as she would have probably said - you are seperated now(once he asked for the seperation). And his mom believes everything...but I did make it a little harder for him, as his mom did then ask ALOT of questions, as did his friends, probably putting the reality on him.

He of course WILL be very mad at you - you are wrecking his perfect life!! How dare you!!! And OWH might be like my mother in law - wanting to believe the best of the ones they love.....but trust me - beyond that anger - they are now having to make up more lies and it will put a damper on the A.

Hang in there - you aren't the bad guy - you are doing what you should do - and eventually he will come around when the lies catch up and he can't keep hiding it.

You're in my prayers.

Haven't followed your story. But from your post above. Great job. It's definitely an act of blind faith but exposure was necessary. It works. Your WH is merely trying to punish you for doing it so you won't get any more ideas to mess up his little affair fantasy. Let him believe you may have P.I., assure him you are not yet talking divorce, you are trying to save your marriage. TRUST? Fog talk. Reverse babble him with "Yes, dear, Trust is a big issue for us."

Your WH also doesn't want you to call the OW's husband anymore. You should call him, he may be the only person you can trust. OW husband probably used the P.I. thing to get the truth out of his lying/denying WW. It's good they are confused and fear being watched. You have rocked their little world and you should be commended. As I am sure you've been told here - you can't work on nor save your marriage until the affair is over and no contact is established. Ending the affair is your first and only priority right now. Exposure is the only proven technique that works. Your husband's anger your marriage can recover from, his never ending affair it can't.

If your WH won't do no contact, you must continue spreading the circle of exposure. His parents, your mutual friends. The innermost circle that would be most likely to pressure him to make the right decisions in his life.

Again, Good job.

ACT

hey, thanks, everybody.

I know God has a plan for me. I just wish he'd let me know whether it includes WH.

In other words, your WS is making crap up in order to scare you off and put you on the defensive! And it is working! lol

Trixie, settle down and be realistic here. If you took the crack pipe away from the crack addict, would you expect him to give you roses and kisses? C'mon now. It is the exact same principle with an affair. That is what you seem to be expecting from your WS after you just interfered in his affair in a huge way. Stop listening to this nonsense and stop allowing yourself to become alarmed at his fury.

Continue to call the OWH and tell him that your H is still in touch with the OW. You have them on the ropes right now and they are desperately trying to trick you into lettting them back up. Don't be naive enough to allow them to fool you. KEEP THEM DOWN while you have the chance, all the OWH AGAIN tomorrow and DO NOT DENY to your H that you have a P.I. following them! He is just fishing for information!

Whenevr your H tells you that OWH is saying certain things, thank him for telling you and tell him you will be calling OWH to clarify things. Tell him you are in DAILY CONTACT!


lololol! now, that is really funny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Tell him that he can trust you to do everything in your power to interfere in his affair and that he better believe that!

How does your H know all this stuff unless he is still speaking to the OW?

Trixie, have you exposed yet to your WS' parents and the OWs parents? I would consider doing that right away since apparently they are still in contact and are SO TERRIFIED that you will contact the OWH again.

More exposure ..... you did NOT make a mistake .... you made the affair UNcomfortable .... do it some more.

My WH said the same thing - that I couldn't be trusted. What a hoot!!!!! Sheesh, they sure get mixed up about things.

Trixie,

I waited to long to expose to WH's boss.Don't make my mistake. Do it all in one fell swoop. You can never be sure just who it will be that will be most effective in busting up that A. You can save yourself a long drawn out suffering and save your energy for a shorter, really stellar Plan A.

Reverse babble to the WS's anger about exposure:

I'm sorry you are so upset honey, but I don't understand. You seem to think that it is perfectly o.k. to continue and affair with (OWH'name)'s wife. If you think that this is a good thing to do, I don't understand why you have a problem with people kinowing about it.

Marriages thrive on openness and honesty. Openess and honest ruin affairs. If you think I am willing to use openess and honesty to save our marriage and ruin your affair, you're right.

Your WH's anger at you for exposure is akin to a rapist being angry at his victim for blowing the whistle and getting him busted.

Trixie, call the OWH, your H's boss, HR, and his parents. Exposure is working, so don't let up now while you have the affair on the ropes! It would be a huge mistake to back off now.

thanks, everybody. He gives me way more credit for being sneakier than I am....a P.I.? He knows I'm way too cheap to hire someone to take pictures of his sleazy behavior.

Trixie,

I was terrified of exposing the affair to WH's boss. I just wish I had had the guts to do it earlier.

WH losing his job will not hurt your family as much as him not ending his A. If you don't bust up his affair and end up divorced will you be able to keep the house? Wouldn't your kids be happier living in an appartment with BOTH their parents happy together again than in a house with just one parent?

Think about this.
I told my WH's boss that I love my H, that he has been having a long term on again, off again A with an employee. I want to save my marriage and keep my family together, but I can not take this rejection and humiliation any longer. My children can not take his yo-yoing any longer. Can he do something to help my family? And you know what? He has made that one of his main priorities this week. He leaves next week for 10 days vacation and he wants to get a transfer of OW underway before he leaves!

I should have done this right after D-Day. I could have saved myself and my children 8 months of misery.


What kind of person is WH's boss? What do you know about her/him. Married? Children? Religious? Does WH respect her/him?


Orchid is the queen of babble. I didn't start to get it down until more recently. I needed to get more emotionally detached and realize that H and WH were two totally different beings. When I tried to babble it came out angry instead of funny. Anyway, more suggestions:

WH: you are untrustworthy!
Trixie: Yes, dear, you're absolutely right. I'm untrustworthy, because I am being blatantly truthful.

WH: You are slandering my reputation!
Trixie: Yes, honey, the truth certainly is slandering your reputation.

WH: You are are just being spiteful!
Trixie: Yes, darling, most people would agree that an affair is the most effective way to spite your partner.

WH: You're going to make me loose my job and then where will we be?
Trixie: Yes, honeybuns, this behavior might cost you your job. It's kind of you to worry about what will happen to me and our children.

It doesn't have to make sense. Don't powerstruggle. Start out each sentence agreeing with him completely and back it up with a truth that doesn't match up.

If you can't come up with anything real quick, just repeating what the WH said right back is enough.

Are you trying to provoke me?
Are you trying to provoke me?

You're practically dring me into the OW's arms.
You're practically driving me into the OW's arms.

Then just change the subject and ask him what he wants for dinner or if he would like to try out a new and better smelling aftershave. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He said this morning he doesn't trust anybody (read, not even OW) and feels the whole world is against him.
A big part of MB is doing what you say and saying what you do.
You show him he CAN trust you by sticking to this.

I'm not quick on my feet when he's pummeling me with crap about how untrustworthy I am.
Let it be water off your back. If it gets you upset, simply wait until he is gone, then scream & cry into your pillow.
Do NOT fire back at him, especially in the heat of the moment.

But remember, Plan A is not doing everything to appease him or not make him mad.
It is about ending LBs and "negotiating" an end to the affair. Disagreements (not arguements) are okay.