Hello again. I last posted here 2 days ago, for reference see here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2801620

I have not officially applied "Plan A" and I have not brought up the NC or the love note or the A for that matter. I decided that although I'm armed with a lot of good information along with faith we will get thru this, I still can't trust myself to refrain from sobbing and becoming irrational when this comes up. So I kept up with the smiles and SF and "what can I do for you" behavior and such, and it's been working well. Wednesday night he did go to work, so I'm sure he saw her, but he stayed pretty busy (on the road) so I'm guessing he didn't see her much. I began playing "guessing games" with him on his phone...I texted "I'm thinking of a place..." and gave him clues as he played along, and he'd guess different romantic places we'd been. I was smiling from ear to ear as we carried on reminiscing and shortly after midnight, when he got off, he came home (typically he goes to the bar after work!) I thought this to be huge progress - like it's working! We cuddled for a bit in front of the TV, talked about his night, then went to bed.

Yesterday we spent the day together, I'm not sure how everyone feels about details though I am "bearing all" here, I'll just say the seductions continued and we made a day of it. We both smiled a lot, we connected. Last night I went for a walk and when I was leaving he grabbed me and said, "Hey, you can leave, but only if you promise to be as pretty as you are right now when you get back" We haven't discussed the EN survey I filled out yet, but he obviously read it and took it to heart because admiration was either my #1 or #2!

He & some friends were playing poker in the basement when I returned he asked me to come down to deal the cards (apparently they get tired of dealing??) I gladly accepted and we had fun. This morning I had an interview and when I returned he said, "wanna go get some lunch?" so we did!! Recreational/time alone was another of my top ranking priorities! It was nice, though I must admit after being together all day & night yesterday, I really didn't have much to offer for conversation so I felt a little bad about that. We're in our late 20s and once in a while we'll see someone our age with a love bite and I always comment on how immature that is, we did that in high school but now it seems silly...well, let me tell you he's sporting one right now! I still feel it's a bit silly, but now if she talks to him she'll see it. He is at work tonight and before he left he started to act kind of sad, I could tell he didn't want to go. He asked me if I'd like him to bring home dinner for us whenever he gets a free moment. He called a short while ago and said he'll be in the area within the hour so he'll pick up dinner for us. He will also work tomorrow night, and she'll be there, but I think his head is swimming in infatuation with me right now so I'm truly, truly not worried.

I know that NC DOES need to be established, and Plan A & the withdrawal will still set in, but for right now I'm just feeling reassured. I left him a little note in the car before he left and also a blank EN survey for him, I'm really interested to see where I've been lacking if/when he fills it out. I know I'm still seeing things the way I want to and I know it will be a real challenge to continue doting on him when I'm used to being neglectful - but these past 2 days are proof of why it's worth the extra work. I need to have the conversation with him and I know it will be hard, but I really feel we can get thru this. Once we're thru the weekend I'll do it. I want to give him a wonderful weekend.

Thanks for reading all the way thru. I know I'm a bit foggy myself here, and you'll point things out I'm not seeing if they exist. I don't want to be naive and I don't think it's all better by any means, we've had plenty of "honeymoon periods" throughout our marriage. My intention is for this one to be the new way of being for us. I will continue to post here for support, I know there will be tough days too.

This site is a God send, has that ever been said before!?

Well, this is certainly one way to handle it.......please keep us abreast of how this "behavior" is "working" for you down the road.

There is no doubt certainly in my mind that if I was your cheating husband who was still actively cheating on you and you were content to "act happy and smile" and continue to give me SF and say "what can I do for you"....this would surely be "working" for me also.

Goodluck with all of this.

Wow, I'm a little offended. I wish I felt like you knew my posting history and at least some of the story. Especially considering my current "plan of action" was developed with the advice of many...on this board!

I know you don't want me to be cheated on, I know the ultimate goal of most everyone here is to re-build, it's my goal too. I don't want wool over my eyes and I'm sure nobody wants that for me either.

Sorry you feel offended, but I am just calling it like I see it.....I don't think the "wool" is being pulled over your eyes at all. I am categorically convinced that you know what you are getting here. I was not criticizing your plan or making any judgements about it at all, I was just saying what it would feel like to ME if I was your husband......I have no doubt in the world that you got your "plan" from the many experts here.

Goodluck with this all, I hope that in the end you win your husband's love and committment back and that he gives you a permanent chance to do this.

That is offensive. I'm new here, and new at this scenario, you're not, but to say he's actively cheating...I don't quite see it that way. I never did say "content" either, I said reassured.

Hoping someone will read this & offer/share experiences, suggestions, thoughts, support ...

Julie,

Lemonman may not follow alot of the MB pricipals, and may contradict what some people say - but he is one smart guy - and usually does call it like he sees it - even if it offends. Obviously he is reading something that makes it seem less like a PLan A and more like a doormat, and is expressing his concern that you are allowing H to treat you like an item, and not a person.

I don't know the whole story - so I wont comment, but you may want to make sure you really read up on Plan A. What LM is concerned about is by making it so easy - without the structure of a plan A, you are making your husband enjoy is cake eating more as you aren't improving yourself as Plan A has you do, you are catering to what he wants when he wants - which is also a part of Plan A but not just what Plan A is about.

Hang in there and don't be offended - actually you should feel honored that LM saw something in your post that he thought he should post - he doesn't post for nothing, maybe instead of being offended, try to read into what he is saying and think about it!!!


(((HUGS))))

Julie, has the affair ended? Has all contact ended? If not, what kinds of things are you doing to facilitate an end to the affair?

Dorry, you're right - I've been reading other posts and have appreciated LM's "tell it like it is" style here. And that's why I'm here, to be told like it is. In fact I came here again tonight to be told like it is!! However, he's not familiar with the history and that is offensive, because peoples' situations on here vary from insecure wives to all-out obvious affair with no regard to the spouse. It's hard to know each individual's situation, but I'd really feel more comfortable knowing you tried if you reply!

Anyway, FYI, the A is emotional - I know that's dangerous but I also know it hasn't progressed to the point many have as he's distancing himself. I also have good reason to believe she's the one doing the pursuing, and by pursuing I mean talking at work and recently, writing a "OH how I wish..." poem/note to him. NO - he is not innocent.

I'm quite familiar with Plan A, but since I don't consider myself immune to being blind-sided, I'll read it again. And again. I guess I consider myself to be following Plan A, but I haven't had the "I found this note, we're going to write her a letter and you're going to resign" talk with him yet. I'm NOT being a doormat, I'm actually being as available to him as I should have been for 8 years!

I could be wrong - that note could have been given to him to give to a friend of his. Or it could have been the 36th she wrote him, and they could have been having sex on the DL now for 6 months - I don't know. It was suggested to me that while I'm getting my ducks in a row, I make home/marriage/me as comfortable and wonderful for him as humanly possible. That's what I started doing, and it's been a great 2 days, and I wanted to share that. Here's hoping I get some followers as I'm sure I'll need them.

Julie, I think Lemonman's legitimate concern is that he sees you trying hard to appease your H but doesn't see you doing much to address the affair. And perhaps you ARE doing that, but just didn't mention it. This was my concern also when I read your post.

The purpose of Plan A is not to appease the WS, but rather to negotiate an end to the affair while avoiding lovebusters. And maybe you are doing things to bust up the affair and just didn't mention it in your post.

Can you tell me what you are doing to end his affair? Do you think they are still in contact?

Is the OW married?

Well no, I skipped that part ("bust up the affair") - knowingly given our situation right now - but plan to "expose" and negotiate the NC after tomorrow night, probably Sunday or Monday.

I know Plan A isn't about appeasing him, and I hope I haven't given the impression that I've been his "one-stop-shop" all this while, so I guess I can't claim Plan A...I guess it's more of the making it comfortable & wonderful for him while I get my ducks in a row. I've snooped more, there's nothing. Checked phone, nothing. Only thing I've found was the note, that was Monday. I freaked out, but somehow got the sense to get advice before letting him see me freak out, and am doing my best to be the great wife with EN & attention to detail in the interim.

I don't know if she's married. She was, earlier this year, but may now be separated or divorced. I know they are still in contact, he works with her Wed, Fri & Sat evenings so they see each other there. She's in the office, he does delivery for them so he's in & out. He's got to be at work right now, like he had to be there Wed. & has to be there tomorrow, so I can't say NC when he's having contact at work. That's why I'm waiting.

OK, now what? (I'm not being ******, I really do want feedback)

Julie, to whom did you plan on exposing the affair?

What all do you know about the OW?

Other than my husband, nobody! I think you're referring to friends/family...no intention.

I know she works where he works p/t nights. I know her name. I know she has blonde hair. I know that earlier this year, he & I separated because we just weren't getting along & we both agreed we'd like to be apart for a while. It was a week-long separation. Not long after that, she was having issues with her husband. Apparently she bent over backwards for him - cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, things that I'm not famous for, and her husband didn't treat her so well. Knowing that he & I separated & worked it out, she approached him for advice or solace or whatever. A few months after that, in a time when communication between he & I was waning again & he'd been out the night before with friends, I had an urge to check his phone. I saw a number I didn't recognize and called it. Got her voicemail. Immediately (and surprisingly calmly) asked him exactly how important is she to you...he then told me they'd had more conversations, he'd called her a few times, he did say at one point that she likes him and that was the end of that conversation. He felt really bad and was pretty guilt ridden & sulky all day. About a month and a half ago I asked him if he still talks to her and he said no not really, he just sees her in passing. I asked him why he's staying away from her and he said he figured he should focus on work.

I'll add: I really thought he had a handle on this, that he knew to stay away from her as much as he could while at work so he did, and for a while I wasn't worried. Until this past Monday, 8/29, when I found a poem that I assume shd'd written to him, in the basement, hidden but not very well.

Julie, I am confused. How can you expose something to your H he already knows about? Do you mean confront him? Are you saying that you have not even talked to him about the affair? Why would that be?

Do you have evidence that there is an affair? What does this note say?

What did it say?

I don't recall verbatim, I didn't think to make a copy and now it's gone from its original spot, but basically it said "I know we can never be but I can still dream...I know I'm wrong to want you but I want to scream on a mountain top that "I do love you"...I know she holds the key to your heart but I still hope that one day there can be a you & me...My heart can't take no more so I must go..."

The author, who I assume to be the girl at work, somehow managed to make it rhyme and fill a whole page.

To answer your other questions, yes I mean confront him - since finding the note - I have not done this. I've listed why a couple times here. As for evidence, I consider her number in his phone a couple months ago to be cause for concern, not sure it's "evidence", aside from that finding the note was THE red flag for me, because I'm assuming she wrote it.

Julie, I don't know why you haven't confronted him and I don't want to reread this whole thread. Why haven't you confronted him?

Well, with about 99.9% certainty I would hypothesize that there is more, you just have to dig "deeper" or snoop "snoopier"....he has just gotten better at hiding it....they all do. Men, who have nothing to hide don't hide poems/notes that they recieve from other women for NO REASON. This isn't in the least as ONE SIDED as you think or hope.....not by a long shot. Now, I think you finding what you did Monday was much more than "only a note".

You are right in a sense that I don't know your situation detail for detail, but I have seen and read about a thousand cases just like it, and your case IN DEAD REALITY seems "no different" than the rest. Yes, the dressing may be a different flavor, but it all smells the same underneath........I can know when to take a "hot appy" to the OR on sick sense alone, and unfortunately I have that "sick sense" here with your situation, hence one of the reasons I decided to post on the board tonight for the first time in a while.

Could I be wrong?, yup, but I doubt it. Now, I am not saying one thing about your "plan" one way or the other, but I fear that you are rationalizing alot of this (his behavior and actions) to Betrayed Spouse Script pin point accuracy. If you have NOT exposed this affair yet, you are wasting time and are acting as an accomplice to this affair. Don't confuse acting nice and appeasing your Wayward and making life wonderful for him with acting dignified, controlling your angry outbursts and busting up this affair....they are NOT ONE IN THE SAME. You said you felt kind of happy and were "reassured" with how things were going......Julie, I am sorry, but the only reassurance you can be sure of right now is what you found on Monday....all is not lost though (not by a long shot), and I am sure the good people of this site can you help you try and win back the marriage and committment from your WH.....it has no doubt worked for many others, who are living, breathing examples of the sites principles success.

This will be my last post to you on this subject. The "experts" here can more than guide you on the rest.

With sincere compassion and hope, I am rooting for you.

LM

First I wasn't of sound mind to do so. I was advised to approach him in a calm and rational manner - it took me a while to be NOT freaking out & desperate and having bouts of sobbing. Then I wasn't sure how to do it, so I read some more articles/chapters/posts to be better informed. Then Wed evening came and he had to work - yes she was probably there - but I knew it wasn't realistic to have him quit because A) we need the money pretty badly; B) he is a firm believer in leaving on good terms & giving notice, so I knew he wouldn't do that to his boss; C) not really knowing what to expect as an outcome of this confrontation, I figured the "agreement" to write an NC & quit may take a couple days. Being that he works there Wed, Fri & Sat, I decided it best to do so after Sat, giving the couple days that may be necessary.

I re-read Plan A, and I now see the valid concerns and even acknowledge I was wrong; or at least a little carried away. So now I'm lost again.

OK, I guess I wasn't so nice so I understand you being done with me...and I am once again glad that I found this board, because without it I'd obviously continue to drive myself down a path of horrible destruction. Do I defend him? Yes. Do I make excuses? Yes. Am I in denial? Absolutely. However I'm trying to recognize these things with (all of) your help and develop a clear path to recovery. One way or another.

To be honest when I first came back here tonight I questioned if I even belong here. Typical script too, I presume. So I'm staying!! But really, I guess I still just don't get it, and I don't feel I'm getting real clear answers. One person suggested the note wasn't necessarily relevant, but IMO it is because it's what made this real - whatever "this" is. There I go again, denial. But there hasn't been a phone call since months ago, he's been staying away & avoiding conversation w/her, and it was her that wrote the note. There was no line in there that made any indication of his reciprocation. Obviously he's somehow invited it though, because a man who is beaming with "I love my wife so much" doesn't receive such notes. I DON'T deny I need to confront him, discuss the note, maybe find out how many there have been, what exactly contact has consisted of, what it means to him, and then establish that she cannot be allowed in OUR life any longer. But here I sit, going about it all wrong, again, while the clock ticks away...