LM, I won't disregard your views in the least. Yes, sure, we can call this whole thing "nothing" compared to some of the other posters, but I know for a fact thanks to MB that our relationship was headed for disaster with or without an OW/OM. BTW, I was caught up in an EA type situation myself a couple years ago, with a co-worker, who took me to lunch and complimented my khakis and told me I deserved better than my husband...H found out one day when my PC automatically logged him onto my AIM, and OM thought it was me...oops. Anyway, I pulled away before anything physical could occur, even though OM tried, and I honestly think H was wrapped in almost the exact same thing. So, like I said, I understand. He needs to not go back there, and I will spend the next 2 days doing my damndest (sp?) to make sure he doesn't.

Thank you, LM, for wanting to post to me the other night. Sorry I was ****** earlier. "Nothing" or "Seemingly never-ending saga", I'm going to hang around here, if you don't mind...

Well, I hardly ever believe any of the WS's here, but I'm leaning a little bit toward believing your husband.

The main thing is that he is agreeing to quit his job. Most won't do that. I would suck it up and let him give the 2 week notice.

Hey girl you do what you got to do to get what you want. Please do NOT apologize to me for anything, that is the least of your worries. If I give an unappreciated or unpopular opinion I should be able to take it. This isn't a "popularity" contest for me, so it is ok.

You have made some great strides with all of this. I wish you only the best.

Lem.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He could give his two weeks, but ask to be let go as soon as possible. Family emergency.

Hi Julie ~

Well, his answer wasn't as extreme as it might have been. (ie she's stalking me and you are nuts).

But I think the jury is still out. You really don't know how bad it is or isn't. And 2 weeks is a long time (if he does give notice as promised).

I think he's sincere, I do, about keeping away from her but feeling obligated to be fair to his boss. He & I have had some great days together lately and I'm feeling a lot more assured about things in general, and it shows. I do believe he'd do his best to just work, away from her, for 2 weeks. But the risk is higher than I'm comfortable with now that she's taken up poetry.

He's gone to bed, and I didn't bring it up again tonight. In the morning I'll point out a few things to him and ask that he give it some serious thought, not do anything till we talk again, and try to have a definite plan of action by tomorrow evening. I do think I'll get him to quit now, but I don't think overwhelming him with too many "demands" was the proper way to get it done. I'm of course very eager to get to re-building. My guess is there won't be a big withdrawal, though I could be wrong...

How about doing some counseling with the Harley's?

Obviously the 2 of you both have weaknesses that lead you both towards affairs.

I am a firm believer that if anything more is going on, it will come out in the wash.

Counseling w/the Harleys is indeed on the wish list, though at this time we cannot afford it. However, we're working on getting back into MC - to be accompanied by some IC for us both. And more leisure time together, conversations about nothing at all, etc. He's been open to the information I've printed from this site and although I really loathe reading (I'm the type who never finishes a book - waits till it comes out on audio) I plan to pick up SAA & HN/HN. Our options are a little bit limited due to available funds, but I do think we're both committed to trying.

Well I guess this was to be expected - some sort of "conflict" that is. This morning I told him I know how he feels about leaving his boss stranded, and I respect that about him - the fact that he won't do that to people - but to please think about a few things: 1. if his boss had a "family emergency" he wouldn't give the employees 2 weeks before he closed the doors, he'd just do what's best for his family. 2. I have an interview Wed. evening (1st day he works there) and other plans on Saturday (3rd day, I'm actually trying to get tickets to a football game which he'd be THRILLED to go to, well usually anyway) 3. I respect his respect for his boss, but his boss isn't my concern right now.

He started to get angry with me. His boss is to be on vacation this week (I knew about this a while ago, so I don't suspect it's a convenient lie) so how can he find somebody to cover 3 days when he's not there? He then said he wants to give him at least a week...I do think I should be open to compromise, I don't want "my way or no way" and I do appreciate his understanding in this matter thus far...but I don't know this chick, other than the fact she's obviously love struck, and married or not married, she "dreams of one day being with" my husband! I'm afraid she'll REALLY pull out all the stops knowing he's almost gone. And I'm not sure we'll ever get to the NC letter, given how this is now going.

MB Forum experts, what are you thinking? I think he needs the week, I should allow him that, to feel like himself and to show I haven't completely lost trust in HIM. How do I make this work?

Julie, how about agreeing to the week on the condition he promise no contact write her a no contact letter? Here are some samples of what it should say; just change to suit your situation [it should be written together] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000000

OH Melody, we thought I was going to "get off easy" didn't we? You probably didn't, but I was really pleased with how well things went - last night.

OK, so he came home this morning, to talk. I cried again - I'm really trying to be strong but I'm so hurt and scared and heartbroken that all I can't hold it back anymore!

He's miserable, said he knows quitting/NC w/OW is the right thing to do, but he woke up feeling awful and he's not sure what he wants to do - generally speaking, he isn't happy. We've had this discussion before, recently. He feels like he's being forced to do something he doesn't want to do...before you jump, let me explain: By profession he does roofing/siding/gutters. He loves the job but physically it's really taking a toll so technically he's only doing that p/t & the other (OW-enriched) p/t. It's working for him. He knows he let someone in and he can't have contact w/her anymore but now, when his schedule was suiting him, HE has to give it up and change his life. Furthermore, while he knows that's what it takes to prove to me that we'll be "safe", where's his safety? He goes on to say how young we were when we got married, that we've both changed so much, we've gone thru this THOUSANDS of times over the past 8 years, and he's not certain he shouldn't just leave. He's not sure I'm "the one" and wishes sometimes I'd just tell him to GET OUT so that he at least knows what he has to do.

This has gone from OK to horrible. We had a great week together - we do that sometimes, but "history repeats itself" and he's tired of this being so much work, to just land in the same spot. I am just beside myself. I think he has valid points and all I hold in my hand is hope. And love.

Some of these have in them that the only contact they can have from here on out, is the friendly professional contact. What if we did that? And he cuts back to 2 days/week instead of 3?

Here I'm trying to compromise, to make things easier for him, when he basically just told me he doesn't even want me anymore. I guess I shouldn't even bother. Logic/rationalism: GONE.

I changed my mind about him. He is babbling. HE doesn't need safety. YOU didn't betray him. Tell him you need no contact immediately. He needs to find another job. If it doesn't fit his schedule, tough.

I'm lost. What's the difference?

Sounds like good reason to leave! AND, he's not quitting immediately, either way, so again here I am...screwed.

Julie,

When LM said something wsn't right, I felt it too, and now with your h's latest reaction, believer is right - he is babbling.

I am not saying he is lying to you, but I think perhaps he had feelings back for this OW? Or is addicted to the attention, as he is feeling the fear of loosing her, and making excuses up or justifying (the marriage has changed, blah blah blah)

You aren't screwed. Things take time. You have Plan A - which you need to do yet - do a GREAT plan A. And you NEED to look further into this. Like someone said - have him tailed if you need to. Learn more about what you are dealing with.

It may be that it is just exactly what he is telling you and he is not lying, but his behavior in your last post doesn't sound like a man where it is one sided and only one has feelings....

And Julie - when I was a WS - I told my H I didn't want him anymore....when H was a WS he actually left me to persue his A, and came back 4 weeks.

I know it's hard to not take it personally, but it's normal for a WS to not want you and use every other excuse in the book as to why - EXCEPT the affair - they will tell you it has nothing to do with her him, it has to do with how things have changed, blah blah blah BABBLE.

Don't look at it as a reason to give up. Your fight is far from done K? Have you bought HN/HN and SAA?

No, I haven't purchased the books. Guess I should do that today. It hurts so bad to be so confident about something, especially when it's yourself (I've got SO MANY issues that likely caused exactly what we're going thru, and he's really tried to help me/believe in me, I totally understand his lack of enthusiasm) and have someone you love express such lack of belief! He asked me how do I know he's the one for me - is it because of time invested, or the kids, or something else? I told him I don't get to know who's "the one" but that he's the one I feel is worth my time & effort, based on the last 8 years, full of us choosing one another. These problems/issues he's bringing up today aren't new - we've mulled them over for YEARS - but now I'm asking him to do something to change his life/schedule, AGAIN, and he's got no guarantees that "THIS TIME" will make it all right. He doesn't want to have to put his body thru 5 days of his day job and I understand that, I don't want it for him.

Sure, I've got Plan A, and that's something I didn't have all the other times. But: 1. He's going to work tomorrow, and probably Friday and Saturday, of this week, no matter what; and 2. I'm not sure he's open to all this, as it seemed he was last night (and all last week I was so confident he would be)

We've separated before. Several times. He's always come back. But I'm getting too old for this. I want to get it togther. I know this is only temporary, I know, but right now I'm sitting here just feeling like all hope is lost. And he's at work trying to focus while miserable thoughts control his every move.

You don't need him to be open to Plan A - Plan A is all about bettering yourself and showing him what a great catch you are - making sure his needs are all met, no LB or DJ, but also making sure your boundaries are enforced. If he isn't going to quit work - Plan A still works. Plan A is mostly used for people that are still in affairs.....you really need to buy the book SAA and read up on Plan A, as it explains it there. The books go into much more detail than the forum.

Melody Lane can also help you here as she is very knowledgeable about Plan A. The Buts you mentioned wont affect plan A as PLan A is in your hands and not his.

Dorry/Melody: thank you, and please don't leave me now!

Also, to you both: shall I start with SAA? And, I got you, no LBs, but what is DJ? (Disrespectful judgements?)

He IS willing to quit - doesn't want to, but willing so I feel safe. It means he'll have to go back to other, danger-to-physical-health job 5 days/week, which he doesn't want to do and I don't want for him, but he's at the other (OW enriched) at least another week. Should we look at him staying, down to 2x/week with NC letter pertaining to ONLY necessary/professional contact?

I don't think he's lying. I do think he let himself feel too much, but I do think that when he realized it he pulled away. I believe this because (A) I want to believe it and (B) I've been thru it, so although hard to believe, I know it's possible to pull away and still work there.

Seriously, he's looking to resolve that issue tonight when he gets home and I'd really like to get past that one too, so we can move on & deal with the other stuff as needed. I know he doesn't have to participate in Plan A, it's all about me, but I guess I'm really looking for some help in the above mentioned areas. Help a sister out?

Got the book, SAA. Good news: it's thin enough that I just might finish it, this year, given my commitment to the subject. Bad news: I checked SAA out of the library, because I need it.

You people are my friends now. Possibly my only friends. FYI.