...and I can't find out her last name. I called but got nowhere!

...and it seems I'm going to have to give it my all and then some. I still have a lot of unanswered questions. Do I try to get them all answered now, or expect that while being the greatest wife in the world more answers will come, naturally?

I'm getting from my reading that there is a such thing as TOO much talk, but we are going for the whole truth, right? So how do I go about getting that?

^^Bump^^

I have an awful feeling in my stomach and tomorrow he's going there, to tell the boss his last day is Saturday. I'm afraid I'm worried about H breaking NC just as much as OW. Can I talk to him about this, or do I avoid this type of conversation for a while, and just stick to Plan A?

Julie, I am sorry I posted that link now, because I somehow missed that letter about "professional" contact. That is a HUGE MISTAKE, don't even go there. Imagine telling a chronic alcoholic that he has to quit drinking but can only have "business" drinks? Do you think that will work?

Contact is contact.

Harley is ADAMENT that all contact end, even if you have to move to another state. Julie, don't back down on this boundary or you will live to regret it. We have people on this forum who deeply regret it because they are now dealing with full blown affairs YEARS after D-Day because they didn't insist on no contact.

There is NOT part time restaurant job that is worth your marriage. He can easily get another part time job.

You should speak openly and honestly with him about your fears. Plan simply means: exposure, meeting needs and avoiding lovebusters. It does not mean avoiding discussion of your feelings.

Well if anyone has any words of wisdom for me today, I'm all ears. I've got an awful feeling in my stomach that I just can't shake. He's home w/me today, so maybe I'll work up the nerve to share with him that I've got a bad feeling and see if I can "get more out of him". He goes to work tonight. He's going to tell his boss his last day is Sat, not sure if he's planning to talk w/OW or not. So very scared...

Julie~

I agree with Melody on this, why not be completely open and honest about what you are feeling...do it in a very nonaccusatory and gentile manner. I certainly don't think that this will do any harm. If done properly, it may actually give him a feeling of safety so that he feels free to share with you, get you guys started on the right track towards a more intimate marriage and quell your feelings of sickness. You won't know until you try...

Mrs. Wondering

You're right. I'm just so scared! This is all just too real...it was almost easier when he was being secretive, you know?! I know that wasn't healthy for any of us, but it surely took a lot less work and doubt...

H & I took the day off together today. I was trying to work up the courage to talk with him again, about the awful feeling I've had, but he approached me first. Went something like this:

H: So I'm going to talk to (boss) today, I'll tell him my last day is Saturday.

Me: He's bound to ask why...

H: I'm just going to tell him with work & everything it's too much. He doesn't need to know. Nobody needs to know.

Me: OK, what will you tell OW?

H: I'll tell her the same thing. <<<Long pause>>> What do you want me to tell her?

Then he goes into how she's not going to call him, he doesn't call her, he used to but not since the month and a half (or so) ago that I talked to him. (PRE-MB) I reminded him this isn't about the job, it's about NEVER EVER seeing or talking to OW again, for life. He agreed.

Me: Well, the Dr. whose methods I've been following recommends you write a letter.

<<<Long pause>>>

H: OK.

I printed off the "guidelines" for the letter, then gave him some paper. I've got an interview soon, so I headed off to get ready. Later I asked him if he'd taken a look, he said yes. Asked if he'd written it, he said no, "Just let me handle it, OK?" It was then time to leave.

I know he's feeling cornered, and he left sort of angry. This is our 1st LB (though it's not technically LB) in over a week.

I called him a few minutes after he'd left.

Me: I know you're feeling cornered right now, and I need you to understand I just want this over & to work past it.

H: Yes, I am feeling cornered.

Me: Well, this is something we're supposed to do together, so to speak.

H: I don't agree.

<<<Long pause>>>

H: Look, I'm going to talk to her. She's not going to call me, I won't call her, that's it. Will you just trust me?

Me: I really want to trust you. I want to do this right.

SILENCE

I let him off the phone, told him we'll talk AFTER the fact, and now I've got to think about getting to my interview. I know I lost control there, but I DO trust him to do "the right thing". What we're experiencing here is some babble, indeed, but I've only gotten that from him when he's feeling pressured. Hence, once he's gone from there and NC is in place, babble will subside. OK, flame away (2x4??) if you must!!

Well H just called me, he let the boss know he's done and OW too. Boss is trying to get him to stay, OW says she saw this coming. H told me, "I don't think you understand...she totally respects my decision, she won't call me and I won't call her. Boy I really want to believe him, I really do, but all I can think about now is getting my hands on the cell phone records when they're available. This week alone has been such a roller coaster! Thanks to you all who are probably sick of me by now, for caring enough to offer suggestions and insight.

Julie, are you sure you can't see the cell phone records NOW online?

Well, I believed your husband a couple of days ago, but don't now. To make you feel safe, he needs to write a no contact letter. The letter should say that he made a big mistake and loves YOU, and wants to work on the marriage. It should add that he will not contact her, and she needn't contact him for any reason.

Most WS's would rather talk to the OP in person. Mine went to the motel with her to "explain" no contact.

You deserve the safety and peace of knowing what was said. He may still be valuing her feelings over yours.

Hi Melody - no, I can't check phone records now. They aren't available until the statement prints, which in my case won't be for about another week. They're not available real-time; I confirmed this yesterday.

Believer - I agree completely, and it seemed like I was going to get cooperation with the letter and then ended up not. That is cause for worry and I can't help but think they're meeting up right now or something, but since I don't have the letter then all I've got in my arsenal is Plan A - a wonderful, seamless, fool-proof Plan A.

Well folks, we're in Plan A full swing, and I've been doing well, but H is walking around either grumpy or sort of lost looking. Is this withdrawal? Actually, in his case I think it's more like resentment towards me and somewhat himself for "forcing" him to quit, but anyway, is it normal for him to be a bit distant in the first few days? I'm just being as loving and caring and attentive as I can and while I'm sure he notices & appreciates, he isn't reciprocating much - which I think is probably "normal" - but it's a little odd.

Believer, I wanted to address something you posted to me the other day: "The letter should say that he made a big mistake and loves YOU, and wants to work on the marriage."

I know we're one step behind in having no letter, and I'm sure his conversation didn't include all the details about me & our marriage. However, to be honest, I'm not sure he's convinced he wants to be with ME and OUR MARRIAGE is what he wants. So, again, I think all I've got & all I can rely on here is the ULTIMATE Plan A...wouldn't you agree?

Being distant is normal for the WS. I would still insist on the NC letter. I have noticed that WS's that refuse to make the BS feel safer by writing one usually go back to contact.

I guess you can stay in Plan A for awhile and watch for contact, but don't be surprised if it happens.

I honestly don't know how to approach this, or ask (again) for a NC letter, without it turning into a huge LB! He may or may not argue, may or may not decide our M is NOT worth all this (he's already been questioning this - or babbling(?)). Of course I'd feel better if the letter was there, but maybe - just maybe, he's able to maintain NC HIS way. I know he didn't go to a hotel for "closure" and I'm pretty confident they didn't even meet up, but tonight he IS going to go out after work, leaving the opportunity for phone calls/encounters. I don't know her last name, don't know her phone number, don't know if she's still married...all I can really rely on is trends in his cell phone bill next week. I just don't know...

Bump, I really need your suggestions here. I'm doing a lot to make myself out to be the great wife here. His favorite sandwich when he gets home, house more tidy than ever before (one of his top-ranking EN), spontaneous back rubs, asking how his day was, etc. However, in my last post I indicated he's being a bit distant. Friendly, somewhat affectionate, but definitely more distant. Maybe part of WD, though he's got tonight & tomorrow before he'll never see her again so I'm not sure if WD can or has really set in just yet.

SOOOooo...the question: aside from what I've listed, has any of you ever felt like you're still not doing enough? There are times we'll be sitting on the couch together, and I don't want to smother him, but I've got nothing to offer as far as conversation...what to do? Is it OK to let him go off on his own a bit? Is uncomfortable silence a form of LB? I don't want to seem too clingy, but I don't want to ruin this. What do you think?