Well, WH has session with SH tomorrow morning....I am nervous and hopeful at the same time. WH wanted to back out last night, I restated my position and WH said that he didn't see what good it would do. He said that he didn't understand what kind of information he could gather that would help. I said that at the least, it would help SH assess my situation. I had to dig into a litte bit more of what SH gave me to say last night and again today.

WH said o.k. that he would talk to SH. I believe $$ is a big part of WH concern with this route I am taking. It is costly, so I am not sure how many sessions I will be able to foot the bill for......

Today WH was in a babbling frame of mind. We were both at home today & when WH went out to do some errands I asked him if he could leave his work phone here. He made some lame excuse and then said he wanted it with him in case OW called him. ARGH. He said that the haven't been in contact for such a long time and that is why he has been so down/upset lately.

Hmmm....I guess I just happened to snoop at the right moment and see the text message OW sent on Friday. Maybe his definition of contact is different than mine? Maybe he should fill me in on his definition b/c they obviously differ??

He said that he just couldn't cut off contact until the R ran its course??? I said what does that mean? He said that he needed to see where it would go.

I said Yeah, & in the meantime I am supposed to just hang out and wait? He said, No, I don't expect you to do that.

He is still in limbo land - his exact words.

So, can anybody give some hints on what SH might do with a WH????? What is his strategy usually?? I am so curious!!!
This could be the one and only chance for him to counsel WH.

I invited WH to sleep in our bed last night & he hesitated, but said o.k. We were both going to bed at the same time for a change & I just wanted him next to me. It was nice, but he's in the other room again tonight....

ML - dilemma here....OWH e-mailed me today to see if there was anything new. I haven't answered him back. Trying to wait and see what SH advises....WH is finally allowing hugs and having conversations with me again!

Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Re-exposed Sept 7th......WH not wearing ring...sleeping in other room

Steve can work wonders with WS's. I wouldn't worry about it at all. But don't expect sudden changes. Sometimes it takes awhile. Even one talk with Steve will be worth it.

Kim, I wouldn't wait to email OWH. Tell him now. Tell him the truth, that they are still in the affair and your H is "letting it run it's course."

As you can see, he fully intends to continue the affair. He is not even hiding it anymore. So, why should you hide it from the OWH?

Of course he is going to allow woman #2 to hug him. Why not? How nice of him to allow you to talk to him, too!

Kim, are you kidding me? Have you lost your mind?

In other words, if it has legs, you are going in the garbage dumpster. So please hang around while he decides which woman he wants. Even better, why couldn't he have BOTH? Who would stop him? Only a crazy man would willingly give up a harem set up like this: 2 babes at his beck and call.

MelodyLane -oh gosh. I just reread my post and realized how pitiful that sounded - "allowing hugs and conversation" Does sound like I have lost my mind here. Geez. I feel so foolish now for even thinking that way. THAT'S CRAZY.

I am not scared to e-mail OWH and I don't want to hide info from him. Just wondering about what SH said - and now I can't remember specifics b/c I didn't write that part down. I know he said to not worry with contact right now & focus on encouraging WH to believe rebuilding our M was not impossible.....SH did say not to contact OWH about the voice mail question.....

Believer - thanks! You know what? I used to pray for patience and for God to show me how to be a better wife. I have definitely been learning both through this whole A thing. I guess I didn't know what God was planning for me here when I was praying those prayers!

Kim

Quick post here ---- Was hoping to get a quick phone call or e-mail from SH to give me a bit of guidance so I could decide when to schedule another session and how to "proceed" with WH for now, but no word yet....I feel a bit lost.

WH spoke with SH for quite some time. We talked a bit last night about the session, but no "revelation" at this point from WH(& I wasn't expecting one....). Could be wishful thinking, but I think I actually saw a bit of my H last night. Or it could have been my imagination.......

Should I be a bit more aggressive with WH & ask if he is ready to actually commit & go to NC? Or should I let the session with SH sink in for a couple of days?? WH said he couldn't remember a lot of what they went over & some of the time he had a hard time getting the point.

ML I know you say go ahead & re-expose again.....That means clean-up again for me for another 2-3 weeks. Then I guess Plan B.??????

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kim

**bumping for help**

Kim

I would suggest scheduling a session for yourself with Steve. That was enormously helpful to me after my H's session with him. Steve gathered lots of insight that he was able to share with me about MY PLAN.

First remember you cannot make someone do anything they are not willing to do on their own. If your husband is not ready to break contact or not ready for counseling all you can do is have your own boundaries that you can live with.

In response to money being an issue for counseling, I would always say, "How valuable is our marriage? If our marriage is valuable, then isn't it worth investing in to save it? Nothing else is worth more money, don't you agree?"

If your resists the idea of future counseling I would say it's more than just the money. Many times it's the struggle of not wanting to deal with the problem of the affair. So see if he is open to future counseling. If he is, that is a positive sign.

Be careful of sharing too much information back and forth between the OWH. You don't want to get caught up in their drama. The OWH knows to be on guard just as you do and anything beyond that is his responsibility. Focus on your marriage and only share information when it's absolutely necessary.

I would continue to discuss the positive benefits of NC with your husband. Tell him it will be the only way to break the emotional bonds. The quicker he does it, the best it will be for the both of them. And if he cares for all parties it is what he will do. Remember, you can't control him, but you can set your own boundaries and expectations.

quick factual email I would think

"Your W and my H are still in contact with each other. She calls my H on this #. feel free to call him yourself and ask questions. "


I suggest you give OW's H your H's number !!!! He may get a call or 2 from a familiar # that he thinks will be OW but turns out to be --> the HUSBAND!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

bump

Pep -

Thanks for the bump & the post! I believe I should e-mail him - I have really nothing to lose at this point & as I have kept the hope alive for this M for both WH & I, I just can't do it for the both of us anymore.

I am going to let OWH know that until my WH comes forward to me & tells me he IS WORKING HARD at NC, then I am assuming WH & OW are in contact. I believe I just might give him specific details while I am at it.

Kim

Kim, isn't the point of calling the OWH to give him specific details? For what other reason would you contact him? Have you withheld details from him in the past?

Melodylane -

Instead of the suggested general e-mail of WH & OW are still seeing each other, I was going to give voice mail # & text message info.

I gave specific details with my last exposure - Info about the CD.

Kim

ok, good girl. It is good to give him as much information as possible.