((LL))

I know you've probably read about all this stuff to death, but here is an interesting article ODD and CD with some suggestions. As I see it, some of these things you are currently doing, which is awesome. After reading the article, a concern would have to be has this manifested from ODD to CD? If so, the risks for her become greater.

And LL, just in case you forgot, a lot of us out here are pulling for you. We really do want to help.

LL,

I'm very sorry for all that you suffer with your daughter.

I didn't read the entire thread, but I can offer a word of encouragment.

My wife's niece was sent to us (in USA) at the age of 15 (from Ukraine). We put her in a private (catholic) high school (grade 10). Since she was cut off from her element, she wasn't very wild during her time with us - although she did manage to find as her only friend the one girl who could be counted on to be in detox about 1 week out of each month. We were supposed to keep her for 2 years, but we only did it for one semester.

As soon as she got home, she ran away from home and moved in with her boyfriend. Her parents did nothing. When she was 16, she was working in a bar until 2am every night. At 17, she married her BF (who she'd been living with for a year and a half) and had a child (after one miscarriage). Now she's 19 or 20.

OK, those are the bare facts, but there is more to the story.

She's turned out to be a good mom. Her husband is a drunk, but they are committed to each other. Her parents like him better than their other son-in-law because "he knows his place" (when he visits them with her, he sits outside with the dogs and waits) and he clearly loves his wife. She is a busy housekeeper. They don't have much, but she does what she can. When she was a kid, her grandparents kept chickens and she liked to gather the eggs. So, now she has chickens (it's not so unusual where they live). She has a milk goat and a garden - her little attempts at "home economics". These were her ideas. She is changing. Yes, her choices in life put her in a bad spot, but things are looking up.

I can't predict your daughter's path, but I know that things can improve.

I'm sorry you are losing your man-friend. I understand his point of view... and yours.

-AD

Latest Update:

My daughter is back in school--but only since today. This was the 1st day of 2nd quarter, and the first day she was eligible to be back. She doesn't want to be there. She hates the school and hates the other students there. She skipped one of her 3 classes today. Moral: It's doubtful she'll last there past the week's end.

However, she has surprised me a little in that even after I took away pretty much everything but her internet connection, after the initial anger, she's come around and hasn't been too bad to live with. She has no cell phone, but she still finds ways to call me and check in (and she does this on her own, because I've given up "requiring" her to check in).

In reality, she's living the life of an unemployed 21-year-old in a 16-year-old's body. I very much dislike that she just informs me that she's going out of town for the weekend and I have to hope and pray that she stays safe--I can't stop her from going, don't like that she's not working, and that she's not putting effort into school. But she has a number of friends who are pushing her to get her G.E.D. if she quits school (which it's my current understanding that in Iowa, she can't even start working on until she's 17 and has been out of a school for 1 year which seems stupid to me--still checking into it). And a fair amount of her friends have jobs, too, so hopefully eventually peer pressure will take hold.

But she's been home more at night since I took away the cell phone and stopped giving her any money, though she has an extensive network of friends who I assume, because she's the youngest of the group, have sort of adopted her as their little sister. They pay her way to band shows, they take her places, they are obviously buying her cigarettes, and sometimes they come over and hang out here with her.

I've concluded that there is nothing I can do to force her to go to school because in Iowa you can legally quit without parental permission at 16. I also can't force her to get a job until she's 18 and legally an adult and I have the ability to force her out of the house if she's not living by the rules. However, I will continue to encourage her to either go to school or to find employment at every chance I get.

Right now I'm just thankful that she's not being particularly difficult--in fact she spontaneously cleaned the kitchen up some last week, which is almost unheard of from her. In talking to a couple people I know about step-kids and nephews of theirs, I realize it could be SO much worse. The two guys they told me about (who are not both adults, btw) are into meth, they are violent, they have destroyed things in the houses, broken in, one is involved in a gang...it's really a mess. Makes my daughter sound not nearly so bad. Right now she maintains she is not doing any kind of drugs and that she doesn't drink anymore. She told me if I want to drug test her, that she'll willingly submit. (I won't--I see no signs of drug use in her.) But if she doesn't get her life together, she will be headed down a very bad path. So I have to just keep praying and hoping, and doing whatever I can to stay in a good relationship with her, so that she'll keep me in the loop on what's going on in her life.
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As for the guy I was seeing, I am still seeing him. We've had several tense moments related to my daughter where I've been relatively sure we weren't going to make it long-term, but so far he keeps hanging in there. I've found it works best when it comes to discussing my daughter, if I don't mention a lot unless he brings it up first. His kids still haven't met mine, and that is going to become a more critical issue because his 12-yr-old son keeps asking when he is going to get to come to my house (and I've told him he's welcome any time). We need to decide how and when to do it and I guess, see how it goes. And then there are his two older daughters (15 & 19), but I'm not quite as worried about them because they're older and there wouldn't be much reason for them to be around my daughter on a regular basis.

But overall things are still going very well. We've been corresponding for almost 4 months now, and seeing each other for three months and a week. We still email and talk on the phone daily (which is better than my ex EVER did), and we see each other every weekend and generally one evening per week. He sent me 6 red roses for my birthday last week. There has been no discussion of "permanence" by either of us, but future plans have come up--the most solid of which is a proposed quick trip to Las Vegas next March over his spring break. I happened to mention how I've never been there as an adult and would like to maybe go sometime, and he threw out how we should go when he's off on spring break in March (he's a teacher). we've discussed it several times over the last two weeks, even to the point of him emailing me the dates of his spring break and telling me which weekend was a kid-weekend so that I can plan accordingly. So he does obviously think "future", because March is a ways away. So I do find myself thinking "what if", but trying at the same time not to be too hopeful, because even if we do stay together, it would be a couple years before anything of permanence could happen due to his job, his kid responsibilities, and his classes he's taking toward his doctoral degree, unless I decided to pick up and move that direction. And we are both very much in agreement that living together is out, so he knows what would be required for us to be together on a daily basis.

And some time ago we discussed my 2-year rule (that being I will not do a long-distance relationship for over 2 years). His comment was that he saw no problem with a woman expecting a commitment by that time, and said that in his opinion a couple should have a pretty good idea by the 1-year mark where they stand as far as a future together (not saying they should be married at that point, but saying that they should have a pretty good idea if they're headed there or not in the future).

So, almost 4 months down and so far, so good. But it's obvious sometimes that we're still two people who are fairly nervous and who have a hard time believing that this is really as good as it seems. I think my "burn scars" are actually less than his, because not only did his ex-wife burn him (and continues to do so in little ways 5 years after their divorce), but his only L/T relationship after the divorce really ran him through the wringer, too.

So...keeping fingers crossed.

LL

Thanks for posting! I had been wondering how things were going for you, daughter, and BF. I'm thankful that things seem to be going pretty well for all of you.

LL, I think you are doing very well. Thanks for the update.

I don't want to thread hijack, but I can tell you we are also working on the whole I-love-you-but-your-kid-drives-me-nuts thing ... my children and his are 'problem' kids in the sense that they are not perfect *G* ... however I seem to have more patience for mine than his, and vice versa.

Wish I could offer advice but I'm living it right now. No matter HOW hard we try, I'm not sure it is possible to treat all the kids like "ours" rather than his and hers.

LL,

I just read your Sept. post. Don't know what's happened since then; I'll keep on reading. But know one thing - Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Even when things seem their worst, God can use them for our best. That's been a real tough one for me to stomach. I don't always like it, but ususally the bad feeling things in my life teach me something that helps me make it, and make it a little better next time. I remember when my son was 18 and got put in jail for being caught behind a drug party. He only got charged w/drug paraphanalia (can't spell). That one was a BIG blow! But what I had to do, and one of the hardest things I ever did, was let him sit there. I bawled my eyes out. I didn't want to see him suffer for what he did, but I let him get his own self out. I let him know that I loved him enough to let him fall down until it hurt bad enough he was ready to get up. And of course that wasn't the first problem I had with him. In spite of what he did, I told him I loved him and that God did too. He was 14 when I first started having big problems with him. He flipped and totaled my car then. And that wasn't his last one. I'd had him and his sister by myself since he was 6yrs old. I didn't think it would ever end. But when he got out of jail, he straightened up, sent those old "friends" of his away and got into the navy. He realized how weak he was and that he had to have something to keep him straight. He's 22 now, married and just made me a grandmother in Aug. I'm supposed to get to see the baby for the first time this weekend. Can't say I was really ready to be a 'granny' at 39, but all the pictures I've seen of her are so pretty. It definetly takes it's toll on relationships when guys find out I'm already a grandmother. When they first look at me they think I'm in my 20s still and then: wham! there it is. They don't usually like it.
But I've finally come around and learned to be happy just being me and being single. Yes, I still feel lonely sometimes; wish I had someone to hold, to be there for that will be there for me, but I've learned to be strong enough in myself in the Lord that - it's okay. No, I haven't quit living, but I've 'finally' made the adjustments needed to feel full without a man (at least most of the time).
Don't really know what the future holds, try not to think about it, I just try to make it one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. But like everyone I know has told me, the things that don't break you in this life, make you stronger. Maybe that's all that's happening right now.
I know that right now I'm having to get past a lot of bitter, angry feelings toward the past two men I dated along with the man I was married to for 5yrs, for the way they treated me. But when it's all over, the one things I'll be able to benefit from it all is being able to pick a stronger match, one who won't abuse me, and one who wants to stay together for life. Don't know when it'll happen, but when it does, it'll be good.
Don't lose hope - ever. Just hold onto God and by all means hold on to yourself. We ALL screw up with our kids somewhere. We're human. The best we can do is learn from our mistakes and do better in the future. She may have to get into a lot more trouble & suffer for it herself like mine did, before she gets any better. But you can pull through, even without a man. If you can't make it without one, believe me, you can't make it with one. They put their own share of trouble into relationships. I've learned to enjoy just being friends with them. No strings attached. And of course, they have to be the same way. Friends are only friends. Hugs is as far as anything goes between us. They don't get the milk because their ain't no cow for sale. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Things will get better. Just believe in YOURSELF and you will make it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Take care
RMW