do I give it another chance. The first affair was an emotional one, no sexual contact what so ever. It was talked about but never happend. We did the EN Questionaire and talked a lot and learned that we both were lacking in the relationship. We worked it out, took me a full year to "recover". Neither of us went to counseling.

Found out just this weekend that he has been having a physical affair since early April. Only had sex one time, this last week. This time it was purely sexual, no emotional attachment. Not sure which type of affair is worse? I at first told WH that I wanted a divorce. Ofcourse he begged me to let him stay, give him ANOTHER chance, that he doesn't know why he did what he did, he wants help, that he doesn't care AT ALL about this OW. I do believe that he has no emotional attachment.

I calmed down a bit and after talking for 6 hours agreed to think it over on whether to file for divorce or not. He promised to work on the things I told him I wanted him to change. I am sick though, neither of us had ever been with another person sexually before in our lives. I feel betrayed and sick, I keep thinking of the revenge thing - he got to experience another partner, I should too. I told him he has till Jan 2nd to show me he really wants to stay.

OW lives out of state, so no worry of accidental contact.

Am I foolish for giving him a second chance? I told him and I know in my heart that I can not handle another affair again! I honestly think it would kill me. I am so scared that 3 years from now 20 years from now I will stumble on this again. I don't want to be the stupid wife who stays with her husband hoping he will change. After 2 affairs can a person change? I need help. I have NO ONE else to talk to right now. I DO NOT want to involve family and I don't have and super close friends to confide in.

Sorry this got so long, please help me.

First, I am sorry this has happened to you. I am glad you found MB. There is alot of help to be found here, just continue to ask. Please begin reading everything this website has to offer, it helped me a great deal.

Second, I am the W of a WH (in recovery) who had two affairs. Both pretty much PA's, but EA for a couple of weeks prior to the ONS of sex.

Third:

What makes you think this one was only sexual? IMO, your WS must have had some emotional contact for it to be ongoing for 4-5 months. And he does know why it happened, he just might not know how to express it to you yet.

My H and I after the first A (they were 2 years apart) were in MC, but I don't think the MC really nailed the issues. We have done everything advised by this website and I may tell you we are in the best place we have ever been in our marriage (of almost 24 yrs). So, yes, you can "choose" to forgive your H and work on your marriage, so long as he joins in.



I need to say again, it's your "choice" in this matter. There are no guarentee's in life so living day to day with the stress and worry that this will happen again may not work for you. I don't feel foolish for wanting my marriage to work. I don't care what I look like 3 years from now if it doesn't all workout. At least I know I tried very hard.

I would like to suggest immediate MC and possibly IC for your H. Something isn't working for him in his life and marriage and he needs to address it.

If I can help in any way, just ask.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers,

holiday

What makes me this this was only sexual is because other than their sexual encounters there was no other contact. My H is a truck driver. Mostly local but for once a week from April - June he stayed over 1 night in Las Vegas. This is where he and 2 other of this truck driver buddies met her. My H gets bored easy and made a very stupid judgement call of inviting her to his room (hotel) and things went from there. He only spoke to her while in Vegas and not every time. When he quite going to Las Vegas the end of June he didn't have ANY contact with her for all of July and only one time he went to Las Vegas in August. Then last week he was sent to Jean, Nevada, outside of Las Vegas to work. He was there Monday, Tuesday he mailed me a card, Wed he says he got "bored" sitting in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do so he called her. She spent a couple hours with him, had sex, then she left. He talked to her on the phone Thurs. and Friday, didn't see her again.

I do realize that there is some emotion involved, there has to be a little but I don't think there is an emotional attachment - guess time will tell.

I am glad to read that I am not the only women who may be giving her H another shot out of it. I am so glad he agreed to go to counseling, I hope that will help. After the EA we did everything suggested here on MarriageBuilders and it was wonderful but I guess that slowly fadded away. . I want to know how to keep it for years. I am also afraid H might just have a problem.

Thank You SO much for writting me back.

Correction he didn't speak to her in August either. Only had contact in April, May, June, September.

Strange...I live in Henderson (Las Vegas). Wow what a small world.

Sounds like your H needs extra IC. To be bored is one thing, but to contact the same OP is a bit of concern. This does sound like a "booty call"??

It's when my H takes his rides (motorcycle) with guy friends that this has happened. Peer pressure, entitlement, lonely, a weak moment, "an offer you can't refuse"????.

My H says it was only sexual also. Just different. We have been together for over 28 years. I have only been with him since we have been married and a revenge A has never crossed my mind. I believe his A's are about "him" not me, though I do understand where I might have contributed to certain issues in our marriage.

Stay positive!

holiday

Well I guess I don't have to tell you where Jean is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How do I react to a "booty call" situation. That is exactly what I told him it sounded like too. Should I be relieved that it was "just" a booty call or should I be more worried because there might be something really wrong?

I am really anxious to start counseling! WH said he would like to go through our church to find a good counselor, so that is fine with me. I ended up writing H a 3 page letter last night and leaving it for him to read while working. I can't tell you how much better that made me feel, I could write out anything w/o fear of embarrassement.

Holiday, thank you SO much for all your help. . you have helped me SO much, thus far you have been the only one I have "talked" to.

Both get tested for STDs.

Agree with Pep. Get the tests. I have to confess to doing something really mean to OW when she called me 5 days after Dday. My FWH was out Christmas shopping with DD#1 when she called and she was really catty and smug.

She suggested that I "let my husband go" and told me that "I am not the first you know." I made it brutally clear to her that in no way was I keeping him against his will and had actually requested that he leave. Then....(drum roll) I told her that no, she wasn't the first.....but she was the first WOMAN!!!!and that if I were her, I would be getting an HIV test ASAP. Now you have to understand my FWH is in no way Gay, but I really couldn't resist...my bad. I think the poor thing nearly had a heart attack. She never called back again.

I just had the basic STD tests two weeks ago at my first OB appointment! Guess I will have to ask the Dr. to do it again. If H had sex with OW on Sep 28th how long do you have to wait before testing to make sure any STD's would show up on the tests? H swears he never got near her w/o a condom so I am not too worried but will definitly be tested.

I get waves of such anger I can totally see why you said what you did. I would never call OW but if she did call here I wouldn't be nice AT ALL, funny thing is, she has never called H it was only a once a week thing, doesn't seem like too much of an EA for either of them, that is good I guess. Weird and sick though. I been having one of my bad days today . . very very bitter and angry. Y/D was a good day, didn't cry once!

Thanks for all the help ladies.

Told H today that I want him to be tested for STD's. I knew he wasn't going to be thrilled about this, mostly because I don't think he wants to face the facts that even though you had protected sex once you still could have contracted something, especially herpes or warts. The whole thought of this makes me physically ill. If he has brought something home I don't know what I will do. We had unprotected sex twice since he slept with OW, first time before I found out and a second time after I confronted him I guess because I wanted the closeness, is that sick of me? I regretted doing it after the fact.

H and I have also had sex once since the unprotected times but I made him wear a condom. Is it weird of me to be having sex with H only days after finding all this out?

How likely is it though that he would have contracted something from protected sex. I mean should I be totally paranoid? He sees the Dr Monday, anyone know how long it takes to get the results? Gosh I can't believe I am having to deal with this. I asked him if all this was worth one night with this OW and of course he said no. I think the whole STD thing has really scared the crap out of him, good I am glad he is having to face something real not just me. I understand he is having to deal with this A but IMO I feel the circumstances are very different for the WS especially if he/she isn't emotionally attached to the OW.

Here I am 4 months pregnant, afraid H could have brought something home.

I just started feeling so much anger the last two days and I hate it. Is that normal? The first 5 - 7 days was nothing but tears, the days after that I was actually content and had a very positive outlook, thought that things were going to be okay eventually. Starting y/d though I have been so angry. I am grouchy, I snap so easily at the kids and at H. I am making everyone else miserable and myself miserable. I also find myself blaming everything possible on H whether it has to do with his A or not. Like the phone ringing at 640 am, it being his work, and waking me up. Is this normal, how do I get past this?

I also wasn't able to have sex with H last night. First time since I found out about the A that I just couldn't have sex with him. I know it upset him a lot, not because he didn't get any but because he knows why I couldn't have sex with him.

Still waiting for H to find a marriage counselor like we agreed on, haven't brought it up since day after D-day but will again this weekend. I need to talk to somebody.

[color:"green"] My wife had a EA as far as I know the first year of marriage. On our 18th she had a year long EA/PA. Untill around the 8th month I was willing to take her back and work it out. This is your choice. You will have to make a decision on what is best for you. Don't rush. It is your choice to make. See a IC and work out the pro's and cons. Don't make your final decision while ur a emotional wreck and when you do stick to it. Everyone has opinions but what is best for you only you will know. Of course this is only my opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Hi Amoree,
I don't think it strange or wierd of you to want to be close to your H...he's your H and you love him.
How did your STD tests come out and his?
Back to one of your earlier posts, yes, something is wrong if he continually needs to seek out this OW, if even or only for sex.
Did you find a MC yet?
How is your pregnancy coming?
And like RHM says, don't rush any decisions. Get to that MC or IC asap,
holiday

I haven't had an STD test. He had one and it came out negative. . my only fear is just how reliable are those tests?

I am still very hurt by this whole thing. I went a whole week w/o crying and actually enjoying my H. We have been getting along great, we haven't gotten along this well in several years. Y/D though I had a whole bunch of feelings come flooding back. I know H is not in any contact with her but so much of our marriage has been damaged, I am having a hard time adjusting to all of it. He knows when I get stuck in thoughts about it because he will say, "quit thinking." meaning don't get lost in your thoughts.

We have yet to see a MC. . . he says he will go, for me, and I told him he needs to go for himself and for us. I think I am going to give him a time limit to find a MC for us to go to, it has been 3 1/2 weeks since D-day. Problem is we really can't afford to see a counselor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I told him the other day that I am still making my decsions about what to do with this marriage. If I can't move past what he did or can't trust him again then I am going to file for divorce. We agreed to stick it out through December and re-evaluate then.

My pregnancy is going good, thank you!