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my personality is that of a buyer just for fun ... what is your 'sign' ? I am a cancer .... tend to be fiercly loyal
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Jennifer said that eventually resentment will builds between them because of what they have given up
and the balance will shift-where one of them expects the other to give something up so they get something (ex: if OW wants to spend holidays with her children-she gets what she wants most but my H will have to settle for being alone or with his family or when OW goes to thier football games with her husband while my H sits at home alone
it's already started, OW had to go back to work part time
my H had to trade in his big, new for a small, used one so he could make payments on her new van
so the more this happens, AND JENNIFER SAID IT WILL HAPPEN, the more resentment builds and love busting occurs
they are renters....in this only as long as it makes them happy and gives them what they want
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Pep -My sign is taurus.
Eav -
Good point. That is one of the main reasons that affairs end. Usually both people have sacrificed too much. Then there are a lot of expectations for the relationship - in reality, too many expectations.
My WH have up his home, 2 incomes, a blended (and very close) family, and a fairly good marriage. OW gave up her home, being a SAHM, her 12 year old daughter. Now they live in a dump, and both have to work.
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I'm cancer too! ( i bet that doesn't surprise anyone whose read my thread!)
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I feel unimaginative , predictable and dull because I'm a buyer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
MB Alumni
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I feel unimaginative , predictable and dull because I'm a buyer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Buyers are exciting and imaginative because it takes a lot of creativity to POJA a marriage !!!!!
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"even though a Buyer is commited to an exclusive and permanent relationship, that dosen't necessarily mean he or she can't fall in love with someone else"
... which is ~why~ this board exists !!!!!
"By becoming a Freeloader instead of a Buyer, they are able to keep an affair alive while still offering hope to their betrayed partner."
.... we recognize the cake-eating fence sitting alien-brained babbling WS anywhere .... Oh My! This is literally my FWH..to the point that he seldom BOUGHT the "poor" (financially and spiritually) OW anything in the beginning. He is/was a BUYER who enjoyed being able to FREELOAD.....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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so now the former Buyer/Buyer agreement has become Freeloader/Buyer due to an affair
the Freeloader is trying to make up their mind about which relationship they want the most
Harley says: "Their new beliefs bewilder the betrayed partner."
.... duh.... we KNOW that Dr. Harley !!
"The betrayed partner tries to argue from the Buyer's perspective~ 'How could you even think of having another relationship? We are together for life!'
The confused unfaithful partner shakes his or her head and finally says ....
'I guess we were not meant to be together.' .... Oh, MY GOD..DR. HARLEY IS BRILLIANT!! This is EXACTLY MY SITUATION.. Was he living in my house? I had this same conversation with my then WH. I said these same words and so did he!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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During PLAN B, my then WH became afraid that I was changing from being a BUYER and was turning into a RENTER...
He thought I would be waiting until his lease was up with the RENTER...
He knew that the OW was a RENTER..two previous divorces before age 30...
I guess he was hoping that at some point she would turn into a BUYER....
I find this to be such a helpful and interesting perspective...
Last edited by mimi1254; 10/28/05 01:08 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks for starting the thread, Pep,
I haven't read the book, so this helps me to better understand the 'conversion' from H to WH, and why they seem to be two different people.
Now, I guess, it would help for me to figure out if my H ever became a Buyer in our M or was he a Renter/Freeloader in disguise all along. Because, from what's been said, if WH was never a Buyer in M, recovery of M is practically impossible ??!!?? Can one be married for over 20 yrs and remain for all that time a Freeloader/Renter??!! I would think he must have been a Buyer in M at some point.
So, technically I am a Renter (just having a hard time being one because I was a Buyer and did not choose/want to be a Renter!)
Geesh! Never thought I would come to this Board to take a science course, or better still, a real estate course!
Last edited by lunamare; 10/28/05 01:38 PM.
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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I just read my paper, and there's a funny comic today that made me think of this thread. I couldnt find it on line, or I would have linked it. It's Rhymes with Orange. A man wearing fishing gear is sitting at a table with a woman. He says "I dont think this is going to work out. You're a keeper, and I'm a Catch-and-Release type of guy". Dontcha wish the Catch & Release types would wear a sign? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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So, I am hoping someone smarter than I ( BrambleRose ? ) comes along
.... because I am wondering if an otherwise addicted person can even reach the level of Buyer ....
I am thinking no .... I am thinking perhaps they are Renters on usually good behavior !!! *shrug*
anyone?
Was thinking about "Tiny" the new poster who is a WW (Was a Renter I think and became a Freeloader during her affair) and her H is an addict .... he has obviously NEVER been a Buyer ... was he a Renter and then a Freeloader as his addiction worsened?
any ideas?
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My husband and I were both buyers until the house started needing repairs, and the in-laws house started making demands, and we started to ignore our house, which started to age and fall apart do to neglect of maintenence, then due to negligence the payment wasn't made until finally they repoed the house, now we live together and are both renters with our bags packed, looking for better place to live but hoping to become buyers again. We are in a lease to own place, with the agreement if we complete the repairs fully restoring it to its orignial shape and then improving it. When all of that is done we will then become buyers again.
That was all the buyer/renter theory.
Can anyone decipher what I said?????
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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Can anyone decipher what I said????? yeah, you are in recovery ... early stages <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />Another buyer that is a cancer here!
tryingtogetit
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Aw Pep, you already knew me, no fair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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You know, it's refreshing to read a thread on here that is actually about putting Harley principles through the paces of reality. Interesting stuff, pepperband. I would say that we entered marriage as Renters, but Clark cycled back and forth between Renter and Freeloader as his sex/romance addiction cycled. At the time of the last A, I probably had a Buyer mentality, while he was Freeloading it. Through the first year of recovery, I did downgrade to Renter, while he upgraded to a Buyer mentality almost immediately. FWIW, he's a Taurus, and I'm a Scorp. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Supposedly, I was the one more "prone" to cheating.
"Lucky I'm the same after all I been thru.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
Life's been good 2 me so far..." ~ Joe Walsh
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Through the first year of recovery, I did downgrade to Renter, while he upgraded to a Buyer mentality almost immediately. THIS part is similar to our experience .... I collapsed into Renter and he sprung into Buyer .... my H led our recovery ...
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This is so true. I'm glad Dr. Harley put it into words for us.
Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.
Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!
5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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Ok, so since my H and I lived together first we started out as renters. I did not move truly into the buyer mode until after my A I think. It was when I became a Christian and truly understood the committment that I became a buyer. I do not believe that my H has ever progressed to buyer but has been a renter, now freeloader all along. Since he has such addictive and flighty tendencies I would guess he may not ever be a buyer. Hmmmm...
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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