Everything is an LB, pointing out every little LB there is. The work book is the basis and template for her. She searches it for anything she thinks she can use against me.

We went to OKC for Christmas, based on her promise to work on the marriage using MB principles. We came home on Wed, 4 Jan, all was good, she said we had made progress. Fri, 6 Jan she called first thing in the AM and stated that she was not willing to do anything, and the big D was the only option. Well I LB'd all over the place according to her and now that's it.

Eagle - the chain of command is there. Keep climbing until you get someone who will listen. Be a very squeaky wheel. Trust me, the armed services don't like chaos. Don't give up until you get someone who will do something about this.

Praying really hard for you guys. Keep fighting bro.

I find it difficult to understand how a Squadron CC and Group Commander can ignore allegations of adultery in their command. Have you made the notification in writing? If not,do so. If you have, and they are truly attempting to sweep it under the rug, contact the Inspector General's office on Tinker and document (a) the adultery, and (b) the failure of the appropriate commanders to take positive action. Do it in writing or in person.

Second, ignore her allegations that you are spreading LBs all over the place. Look at the definition of LB again, fix it in your mind so you can be able to tell her setting boundaries, etc., is NOT a LB.

It's been a few days since I've posted, so here is what is happening.
Sunday we worked on an NC letter. I thought we negotiated via POJA and agreed on teh final product. She delivered it to her 1st Sgt for delivery to OM, he asked if she wrote it, she said no I did, so he was skeptical and hasn't sent it yet. I talked to him last night, explained how the final letter came to be and he said that wasn't what he was told. I recommended he come to MB, read about adultery and marriage recovery, and that he could direct anyone else he had the same problem with to the site right away as the sooner you get here after dday the better. He will be looking at the site today then calling her in to find out why he only got a small part of the story. I offered to email him copies of her original choice (copied fromhere) of NC Letter and my original choice to compare with the actual signed letter he has so he can see how much I gave in the negotiation of the letter. He said he didn't need to see all of that. so here are the letters.

Her choice:
OM,
I want you to know that out of respect for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BH did not deserve. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

WW



OM,
I want you to know that out of respect BH and our children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BH did not deserve. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. I have told BH everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

WW


My Choice:

OM,

I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to my husband BH and our children and family. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused.
I love him and want things to work out so we can have our family together again, and realize all of our dreams together. To protect him, I have decided to break off all contact with you for the rest of my life. All things considered, I think it is best that I never contact you for the rest of my life and I expect you to never contact me for the rest of your life. This is final!
This decision, this promise to Chuck to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to my husband and my family. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify BH immediately.
I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with BH about everything. He knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact with you is the first step towards the rebuilding of his trust in me. I hope that in time BH will learn to trust me again and that you will understand how wrong our affair was and the reasons for this letter.

WW

What the 1st Sgt has to send out:


OM,

I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to BH and our children. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband is the right thing to do and what I need to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused.
I want and need to work out the marriage so we can have our family together again. All things considered, I think it is best that I never contact you for the rest of my life and I expect you to never contact me for the rest of your life.
This promise to BH is to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, for life. I am sorry for what I have done to my husband and family. I ask that you respect my decision and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify BH immediately.
I am trying to set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with BH about everything. The damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact with you is the first step towards the rebuilding our family and his trust. I hope that you will understand how wrong our affair was and the reasons for this letter.

WW


She has lost quite a bit of creditability with her 1st Sgt by not giving him the full story of negotiation and POJA for the NC ltr. He will be talking to her today after looking over the MB web site.

He also told me last night that OM has moved on and is either getting out of AF or has an assignment. She doesn't know this yet, but will find out today from 1st Sgt.

I asked her last night if she wanted us to go to OKC and drive back here with her, we were using speaker phone and then kids were here as well. She said it didn't matter to her, big let down for the kids, I told her if she wanted us to go then let us know "I would love it if you and the kids would come out and drive back with me" would have been the best answer, I don't know or I don't care is not the answer the kids need to hear. So we are going to go and bring her home to AL.

Please comment as I'm starting to lose all hope.

From what I have read of MB, it could be a while, like several months or more, for your WW to finish her withdrawal. If the OM is being transferred, and they are taking steps to help you with NC, that is all to the good.

From the little I've read about your WW, it just sounds like she is still foggy and not willing to give yet. I think that is probably typical for an A that was forcibly broken off, as opposed to an A that had run its course and imploded on its own.

With the A broken up, there is lots of hope for your marriage, regardless of how either of you feels at the moment. Feelings are in continual flux. Just like they went, they can come back. Now that the A is over, you have lots of possibilities.

Thank you Neak. I appreciate you kind words of hope.

Eagle, is she still talking about divorce? But she is coming home, right?

I agree with Neak that she won't be too enthusiastic as she goes through withdrawal. Here is a great post by Suzet on withdrawal: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

Mel,

Last time we talked about M she was dead set on the big D, that was Sunday, but she continued to negotiate the NC letter. To the best of my knowledge she is still coming home. I asked her last night if she wanted us to come to OKC and drive home with her, She said it didn't matter to her, big let down for the kids, I told her if she wanted us to go then let us know and "I would love it if you and the kids would come out and drive back with me" would have been the best answer, I don't know or I don't care is not the answer the kids need to hear. So we are going to go to OKC and bring her home to AL. Her meeting with the 1st Sgt today will probably cause problems as I believe he is going to tell her that OM has moved on with his life, has new GF, and is either gettting out of AF or being transferred (Permanent change of Station) PCSing. She will not take this well as she has always held the notion that he is patiently waiting for her.

The kids talked to her Sat night and let her have it with both barrels. Now understand that I have always encouraged my kids to speak openly and freely with me, I thought they had, until Sat night. They have discussed this situation together at quite some length and come to the conclusion that WW has completely lost her mind. They told her that working M, coming home and being a mother and W was a "No Brainer", why did she have to think about it? If she truly loved them as she keeps telling them why does she have to think about doing the right thing? Why can't she just do the right thing? No answer from WW, except that they sound just like me. I said "well for the last 4 years I ahve been the only constant in their lives, of course they are going to sound like me, I have been the only parental influence in their lives except for your short visits here and there." No comment from WW. Kids also asked why she tricked us over the holidays, told her that they would have preffered to stay in AL for holidays if they had known that as soon as we got home she would start demanding the big D again. Also told her if she tried to drive me away they would go with me and at that point would not want to see her again. They also asked her to stop hurting everyone, try being honest, and come home and be their mother again. Again she has to think about it. DS also told us that he has nightmares, constantly has butterflies in his stomach, and has a hard time concentrating in school. DD won't discuss any problems she is having other than to say she wants the BS to stop right now, wants WW to quit making excuses and do the right thing. Also asked WW what if she had only known a guy a week, exchanged emails and calls, only seen him twice and slept with him on second meeting, what would WW do to her? Response was discuss it and try to figure out why, DD raised BS flag and told WW she was not acting like a real mother should she would expect to be in a lot of trouble and why a double standard? No comment from WW. I knew the kids had strong feelings about all this, but didn't know how strong and how much they had come together discussing this or the conclusions they came to. Most of this was news to me. Of course in WWs eyes I had coached them. I always talk to WW about M issues in the MB Bathroom, well away from young ears, usually with fan running because I'm smoking like a chimney.

She has cancelled her retirement ceremony, cried to her commander and requested to cancel, he finally agreed. A bad move in my opinion, but I don't get a vote.

All still very confusing.

Wow, you have some amazing kids! Its pretty scary when a 13 yr old has more common sense than her mother. You have apparently done an excellent job teaching them right from wrong.

Anyway, I wouldn't be too worried about her divorce talk. I wager that it will blow over once she gets home. Just keep doing what you are doing and work on attracting her back.

I would certainly let her know, though, that she can welcomed and forgiven if she comes home and makes it right. Just imagine the enormous respect the kids would have for her if she did that. That would teach them what a strong character she really is if she demonstrated that she could change.

Mel,

This has been my other mantra the whole time. "You can teach the kids a valuable lesson about hanging in there, working hard to recover from a very bad mistake and make things right again if only you try hard enough and don't give up." WW thinks it's BS, kids already know it is the right thing to do.

Primary Manttra is "I DON'T DO DIVORCE, ONLY MB!"

She knows for a fact that she will be welcomed with open arms as long as she is willing to remain within the boundaries I have set, she agreed to that before the holidays, that is why we went to OKC. Then as soon as we got home she started up the Big D thing again. Dashed the kids hopes and mine. That is what got the kids to speak freely with her, they are no longer afraid she will not come home, would rather she not if she continues to want a D. Ending their pain at the hands of WW has over ridden their desire to have her back.

Mortarman and Longhorn,

Do either of you have the ability to confirm either amember of the AF PCS'ing or getting out/discharged?

No, sir, I do not. I've been retired 9 years and all of my peer group buddies are similarly retired.

Let me think for a bit on whether I could think of any way a third party might infer whether such orders exist.

Thank you Longhorn. I've been retired for 5 years and all my contacts have retired as well.

Sorry...I am Army so I cant help with the AF!

In His arms.

Do you have any of your wife's Leave and Earnings Statements? They would show the end of the current enlistment--I think. Darn, it's been a long time since I looked at one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Are you going to join her somewhere else or is she moving back to where you are? Either way, there should be some arrangements going on for transportation of household goods. You should already be aware of it if you and the kids are moving somewhere.

Eagle...

We have a really good friend that's a Captain in the AF, actually he's about to be promoted...to Major?...I think that's right, but I must confess that I don't know squat about the military...Anyway, send me the info that you need...my email addy is in my signature line...I'll pass it along to him...his wife just got out of an affair, he posted here for a while, so I'm sure that if he can, he'd be glad to assist...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

Whatt I'm looking or is to confirm what her 1st Sgt told me. OM has moved on with his life has new GF and is either PCSing or getting out of AF.

She is flying in tonight, at my request. I am a little (alot) apprehensive and nervous after last weekend. She was demanding D, I LB'd all over the place, etc... Any ideas about how to handle this? She refuses to say if she has an agenda or just wants to have some quiet fun family time. This morning on the phone she was acting very strange, angry, upset, not feeling well... accused me of trying to control her, etc...

Help!

Longhorn,

She is definitely retiring, last duty day is 26 Jan 06, 2 weeks away. What I'm trying to do is confirm that OM has an assignment or is getting out of AF.

The kids and I are flying out next Friday to help with the packing of HHG and then driving her back here to AL. When I brought this trip up to her, at the kids request, she said whatever you want to do, I reminded her that she was on speaker phone with kids listening and a better response might be " I would love it if you and the kids would come help me pack and drive." She said yes you are right, but "Iwas just trying to not spend anymore money or tell you what to do."

I am still wary of her actions and concerned that when we get there she will pull the plug and we will have to amke last minute arrangements to fly back home. If that were tto occur I'm not sure what to do next, I do know that the kids would never want to see her again as this is one of their fears as well, especially after last Friday. She burst their bubble again and now they don't trust her at all.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I realized what you were actually thinking of about 3:00AM this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I haven't been able to think of any way a third party could inquire into a member's status in this way. If I could get a quick look at his online payrecord, of course, I'd be able to tell you in about 3 seconds. That is, unfortunately, Privacy Act information, among other things, and if I tried to get some contact to take a look, I would probably be invited to spend the rest of my retirement at the lovely facility at Leavenworth.

I'm sorry, I just can't think of any way. Personnel will know of course, along with the Finance office. The HHG section at Transportation will even know (along with other base activities). They'll have copies of the orders in their files because the member will have begun making arrangements for a HHG shipment. But I can't think of a way to tap someone on the shoulder in those activities and ask the question.