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I am copying myself from the feminine hygiene products list, because I think this topic is so important, especially for all the BS's out there who don't feel like what they're doing is having any effect on their WS.

Quote:

OT, if there is such a thing here, I was remembering earlier something my FWH told me a week or two ago. He said that one of the things he loves about me is that even if someone is unkind (to my face), that I don't at all say anything back in retaliation.

He said he thought it made people feel even worse that way, than if I got angry back so they could feel justified.

He sounded as if he was talking from experience. So chin up, any of you with a WS, it is worthwhile to be consistently calm to them even if they don't deserve it. It will be one of the few things they notice, and they will feel BAAAAAAD.





His A began last December and went on through the end of June. We have been in recovery for 5 months, and that was the first I knew he had even noticed, never mind been affected, by my refusal to respond in kind to his spewings of venom.

It made me so glad to know the effort had not been wasted.

Last edited by not_so_you_neak; 01/31/06 10:40 AM.

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Hey Neak,

I just found this post and needed to hear it. I'm feeling a little low in the hope department today and very lonely. I always wondered what your sitch was - your thread is too long to figure it out!! Did your husband move out during that time?

P.S. I do enjoy the tales of the Dervish!


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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Wow, it was a surprise to see this pop up right now.

I'm glad you never went looking for my story on the list of FH products - you would only have found bits and pieces, mostly from recovery.

I'll add more to this shortly.

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Oh, and there is probably another Dervish story coming soon. Mom & Neaksis took all the kids, mine included, to a neato Christmas pageant thingy-dingy about an hour-and-a-half from here, and from what I understand, the Dervish had some experiences with the Roman soldiers that were worth repeating.

For the sake of my familial critics, it was the experiences that were worth repeating, not the Roman soldiers, but it sounded even worse the other way. (I.e. "...had some experiences that were worth repeating with the Roman soldiers.")


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We are just about a year from the start of the A. December of last year found AJ having 'friendly lunches' with his soon-to-be-boss. She cried on his shoulder about her BF breakup about 9 mo (?) before, and I'm sure it seemed natural for him to respond with wife stories.

We actually had a great talk about this just this morning. He does not remember the point where he first became aware that this was no longer just a friendship. Right after the first of the year, he started at his new job. The first couple of days he asked me to bring him lunch, and the Dervish (then 3) and I got to spend some quality time with him, and in the process met the OW.

By week #2, he bit my head off when I offered to bring him lunch. It never crossed my mind that he was anything but tired and cranky. He was still affectionate, and we still told each other ILY many times each day, as we had always done.

I don't remember the exact date, due to the extreme shock of it, but by around the 19th he turned to me in bed one night and said he was thinking of leaving. Come to find out he had already filled out a rental application for a house down the street.

It was like somebody flipped a switch that night. He was so cold, wouldn't touch me, wouldn't say ILY, and suddenly for the first time in our marriage I was Neak, not Sweetheart. He was planning to leave in just a couple of days, so even with my brain exploded to pieces I saw an opportunity to change his mind.

Mostly he was very cold, but I remained warm and loving. On those occasions where his anger erupted, I behaved with humility. I made every effort to keep our home as inviting as possible, and to give him every indication of love that I could. During every spare moment I prayed and begged for guidance, because I had no idea what to do. By listening to the Still Small Voice, I put on a good Plan A before ever hearing of one. It was very counter-intuitive, just as for everyone, but somehow I knew it was our best chance.

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D-day was February 12. He told me I probably wouldn't even like him anymore, but he had been seeing someone else and couldn't stand to deceive me any more. He fell asleep that night with his back to me, but pressed as close to me as he could get. That was how he slept pretty much from then on.

I was so happy I stayed awake late into the night. IT WASN'T MY FAULT! There was an actual reason why he had been the way he had been. I was sure that now, having told me, it would just be a matter of a few days until he would have broken up with her, declared his love for me, and we would live happily ever after.

Boy, was I in for a surprise.

That next week he borrowed the first of many loans from her, as he needed to make payroll for the corporation. Thus began the song and dance of, "As soon as the money is paid back, I'll break it off with her."

I hated that, and was very fearful of trouble, but for lack of any brighter ideas continued to be loving and calm. Each night I would check the text messages on his phone after he went to sleep, and their platonic nature reassured me a little. That is, until the last week of February when "Hi how r u" changed to "I wish u were here 2 lick the water droplets off my #ipple$ in the shower". And other similarly cheesy stuff.

Then came the message telling him she would love to go on the business weekend with him, and should she get a dog-sitter? I marched into the bedroom and woke him up to confront him about it. When asked point-blank, he said that yes, he was taking her. Then he rolled over and fell fast asleep.

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I prayed long into the night that night. I interceded before the throne more earnestly than every before. Always before I had gotten a very nice "keep your mouth shut", but this time the answer was "let him have it, just nicely".

So the next morning I softly lit into him. I pointed out the damage his actions were causing our family. I said it was hurting me, it was hurting her, and it was hurting our children. Very emphatically I told him that his duty to our children was to break up with her that very day.

He became enraged and swore at me, telling me to leave him alone, that he would do it for the children but not for me, and I'd better not try to touch him.

I suppose I should mention that right from day 1 I had stepped up my efforts in the bedroom, also, practically clubbing him and dragging him to bed. Once I found out there was someone else I doubled and redoubled my efforts, trying to keep him too busy to get in that kind of trouble.

He stormed out of the house, still angry, and not coming back till Sunday night or Monday morning. His first stop was with another friend in Sacramento before heading over the hill to Carson City. I was quite shocked when he called me that afternoon and chatted as if nothing had happened. He made sure to tell me that he was leaving town too late to pick up the OW, and would be alone.

I was even more shocked when he called that evening to see if my mom could drive partway and meet him, so I could spend the rest of the weekend with him. Mom did, bless her heart, and we had a wonderful time.

It was the first weekend in March, and the first time he had voluntarily shown me any affection since January. To my amazement, he began to again hold my hand, hug and kiss me, and say ILY. On the way back we talked, and I told him I had been reading his text messages. He took it better than I thought, saying only that he hadn't been perfect either. I promised never to touch his phone again, knowing that I could access the messages 24/7 on the cellular website.

Well, almost home to pick up the kids and I found out that the 'not perfect' he meant was that he had just had sex with her for the first time within the previous week. That was a huge shock, but since he was going to break up with her soon I saw it as only a bump in the road.

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When we got married, I was a virgin and relatively stupid about the reality of STD's and stuff. I knew what they were and could have told you the symptoms, but it never occurred to me that I might have been exposed to something. There is a huge variance of opinions here about SF during an A, and I really don't want to stir up any controversy. By the time it penetrated my thick skull, there was so much sex under the bridge that I knew if I were going to get anything, I would have gotten it already. So I continued SF, just making sure only condoms were on hand. THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION, JUST A FACTUAL STATEMENT OF WHAT OCCURRED!

The next weekend we went back to Carson City with the kids, and again had a lovely time. He agreed to break up with her when we got home, saying he would meet with her that night, having at least enough respect for her to do it in person.

On the way home he became very agitated about the weepy messages she kept leaving for him, and he blamed me that she was upset and crying. I bit my tongue, just happy that he was finally going to get rid of her. I was still so naive, and very very ignorant.

He was gone till late, maybe 1:30 am, while I paced the floor and prayed. When he finally walked in, he put his arms around me and held me tight. "I couldn't do it." He went on to explain that it was too hurtful for her, and there was the money to consider, and he would just gradually ease her away over time, and in the meantime they would just be friends.

I was only naive, not straight-up stupid, and this caused me a whole lot of worry, but I did not have my red Cape of Power yet, and didn't see what else I could do but accept it.

I continued to monitor the TM's many times a day, and it did stay friendly for a while, but then the sexual stuff started up again. I was at my wit's end. I didn't want to betray my source, because I would lose it. This being in my pre-MB days, I was under the mistaken impression that there had to be some great earth-shaking event before I could confront again. Something like catching them in bed, or at least making out.

By this time Neaksis was in on things, and Mom guessed within a day or so after that. I don't know how I had made it so long without their help.

Anyway, AJ had an assignment in the Sacramento area, and booked a motel in the area, a much nicer one than we would normally use. (I am a poor, broke author - almost as pitiful as a poor, broke musician. Oh wait, I am a musician, too.) So I suspected from the beginning that she had something to do with it.

The kids and I went and stayed the second night he was there, and the next morning he kept calling every few minutes to see if we had left yet. When I got home I found out that she was waiting for us to leave so she could have her turn in the room. He invited her to join him in a most explicit way.

So guess who was there to greet him when he got off work. I came in from the back parking lot after I figured he should have gotten there. I looked super hot, in a short clingy red dress, and used my key to enter the room. He wasn't there quite yet, but she was lounging on the bed watching TV and dressed most unseductively. She was also talking on her cell phone.

I wiggled my fingers at her in my best movie-star wave. "Oh, hi. If that's AJ, tell him I was here."

Shaking, I exited the room and started to walk away, not having enough savois-faire remaining to pull up a chair and wait with her. That was when I realized my bladder was going to burst at any moment, and I had well over an hour to drive. Suddenly, I wasn't sure I could make it to the car, never mind the nearest service station.

So I went back. "Hi again, you're just going to have to excuse me long enough to let me use the restroom."

I dropped the room key in the tub with her bubble bath collection, a move I was soon to regret. When I walked out of the bathroom AJ was just walking in the door, looking harrassed for some reason.

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He chewed me out in front of her, saying that the business item I had forgotten that morning was why he had to have her come down. That's ok, by then I was used to everything being my fault. I was cool, collected and smiling, nonchalantly overlooking the skankelephant in the middle of the room. "Oh, I'm sorry, Dear; I came back to take care of that for you. I wanted to spend a little time with you."

And what fortunate timing, he had just gotten some business papers for us to sign, and the company had mistakenly put my maiden name on them. He flipped! I was to find out later that she had tried to prime his pump, showing this as evidence that I was planning to leave him. Through it all I was as reasonable as could be, gently explaining the truth and exuding a flowery smell into the tainted air.

Finally he walked me out to the car. None of it had gone the way I planned. Once again, there was no evidence - at least none I could admit to - that things were progressing, nothing to confront, (remember, pre-MB and ignorant), I just really thought that if they really were friends, that it was my problem for being bothered by it. Not open-minded enough, or something.

He had not lied to me up to that point. So when he held my face in his hands and kissed me, telling me how much he loved me, and that they were just friends, and she wouldn't be spending the night, I r-e-a-l-l-y wanted to believe him, wishing/hoping that maybe there was another explanation for the message I had intercepted. As long as I gritted my teeth and grimaced, I could believe him. Oh, I wanted to believe him.

He still says she did not spend the night that night. Naturally my trust is still damaged, but he has been unhesitatingly truthful many times when it reflected very badly on him, so for a comparatively minor detail like that I feel fairly safe taking his word for it.

HOWEVER, she made every effort to have it appear as if she stayed.

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She must have enjoyed picking up my skimpy little well-used undies from the far side of the bed, where I left them for AJ to find. She took my pajamas from under the pillow and stuck them in his dirty clothes bag, under his disgusting socks. She took HIS pajamas from under his pillow and folded them neatly into his suitcase. She left a card for him.

That way when I came back the next day I was sure to know. Well, two can play that game, and my card made her card blush.

Fast forward to Friday night of that week, when I knew, just knew she would be there, but had no babysitter. After spending a couple of hours on the phone with my MIL, filling her ears with tears, she told me, "You just go to him. Even if he says to stay away, you go to him. He needs you."

So when Neaksis was able to babysit after all, I was out the door in 30 seconds or less. It was very late when I got there, and from the ground it looked like the light was on in his room. (I eventually realized I was looking at the wrong window.) He wasn't answering the phone, or the door.

Persistent knocking over time finally worked. He opened the door and let me in. It was all dark in his room. There was just enough light to see that his face was genuinely puffy, his eyes squinty, and I'm sure he was actually asleep at that time.

I held out my arms. "You can blame your mom for this," I said, smiling, "She said I should come because you needed me."

He pushed me away. "I don't need you!" He wasn't quite yelling, but talking pretty loud. He said she was there passed out drunk, and why couldn't we all just leave him alone? Sure enough, there was a blanket-wrapped lump on the floor. Though I am sure she did not start out there, she is not such a shrinking violet as to submit quietly to a scheme like that, so she probably was over-intoxicated. I have gotten to know her well enough *shudder* to accurately predict that, had she had her faculties, nothing at all would have dissuaded her from parading around triumphantly, hoping that would be the final blow that made him hers. Gag.

I am not normally speechless. Had my predicted scenario occurred, I would have had plenty to say. With my mind completely blank, I made as graceful a retreat as possible. I heard him call my name as I rounded the corner of the hallway, but did not turn around.

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Yikes, Neak, I had never pictured it being so sleazy.

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My phone battery died just as I left the parking lot, so I couldn't even vent. I got home and just had time to start telling Neaksis what had happened, when in stomps AJ, yelling and saying he's definitely leaving this time. First he was going to pack then and there. Then he was going to pack in the morning. And it was, let's say it together, boys and girls, ALL MY FAULT!

I really believed he would leave that time. (Unlike all the other times. ) In fact, by this time I was half hoping he would, just because I was getting so worn down. Like pretty much everyone else, I had melted down to skin and bones, and was sick a lot. For a while Neaksis cooked for me once or twice a day, then sat there and nagged me to eat. Had she not intervened I probably would have been hospitalized before too long, and I do not exaggerate. For a while I was so weak I could hardly walk around, and one good virus would have taken me down hard.

(Thank you, Neaksis.)

But he didn't leave. The TM's got worse and worse, but I couldn't find anything else to confront him with. Then, when I thought life couldn't be any more awful, he hired her to work for the corporation.

Now I was signing her paychecks, calculating her hours, filing her reports, and standing by while my husband talked to her on Yahoo Messenger with me there in the room. Naturally he would close the window down when I walked over, but I could always tell by how he acted. Several times he even talked to her on the phone while I was around, just trying not to give away that it was her. I always knew, but bided my time. After all, he hadn't said anything that was more than friendly.

The weeks dragged on, and though I tried to keep up my efforts, I was just getting so sick of the whole thing. I finally told a good friend of ours, "I am not going to be the wife of her boyfriend any more." And just waited for the right time to tell him.

It came a few days later, when late at night I fell asleep on the living room floor while he was working there at the computer. When I awoke, I didn't move or blink, because he was talking to her. They talked about a lot of boring stuff, but then AJ said about one of the other employees, "He's just jealous because he doesn't know we're 'together'." He said he would call her back in a while.

A few minutes later I "woke up" and went to bed. I could still hear every word...more of the same. I had what I felt I needed. With much prayer, I mentally prepared my speech for the following morning. I was finally strong enough to tell him, it's her or me. If it's not me, then you need to leave. I will not be the wife of someone else's boyfriend. (I was pretty fond of that line.)

The next morning I cornered him in the bathroom and began my speech, pointing out once again how much his actions had hurt everyone involved. And then it was like God muzzled me, and I just felt very strongly that I should not continue - not right then.

Looking back, I think it was much the same idea as when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. He didn't want him to go through with it; He needed to know Abraham was willing. In the same way, it wasn't quite time yet for me to act so decisively, but I needed to know for my own sake that I was strong enough to do it at any time: to actually lay down the fight and tell my husband to go.

It must have been when the first stitches were taken in my Cape of Power. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was at his mercy. He was living on borrowed time, only he didn't know it.

Later that day, I finally was ready to try and learn something about affairs. Up to that point it had never occurred to me that there might even be something to learn. I sat down at the computer and typed in a Google search for coping with infidelity. At the very top of the list was a site called Marriage Builders.

I read every article that day. The next day, I read them all again. The day after that, I got curious about the discussion forum. That was April 18, a very momentous day for me. Just when I had reached my wits' end, and had no clue what else to do, the clear path was laid out before me, step by step.

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Oh, hi there B, how's everything? Yep, it was sleazy in the extreme. The only way it could have been sleazier was in a fleabag motel rather than the expensive ones she prefers to patronize.

For most of this, it is the first time I have talked about it here. By the time I found this place, things had reached such an active, desperate stage, that I only put on the basic info of what had already happened, and concentrated on the job at hand. By the time I got here, though I didn't know it, most of the A was over.

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Thank you for asking about this, Shattered. I feel so much better for having talked about it. I'm going to have to quit for the night, but I'll come back and finish (?) tomorrow.

Honest, I was planning to do a simple synopsis with just a little more detail than I gave CSue, but once I started spilling I couldn't stop.

Did I say thank you already?

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so now you STOP????


aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Sorry!

What I can do for the insomniacs out there, is I will hunt down my main thread and post the link. I will still come back tomorrow for another fine venting session, but won't have to leave anyone completely hanging, either.

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Oh great, back to the movie on TV.

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I said I was sorry.

Ok, I found it. Here is the link to my old thread. It seems like such a long time ago.

What is also kind of funny is that it always seemed like months from when I found MB to PBL#1. I was so shocked when I went back and counted it up as less than 3 weeks. It seemed like forever!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I just went and made AJ's lunch, as he has to get up at 4:45 , and couldn't resist dropping by again on my way to bed.

Shattered, you said you needed hope. I can offer that to you. The man who would do all the awful things I just mentioned, and plenty more, is curled up sound asleep in our bed right now. He is on my side because whenever he falls asleep and I'm still up doing things, he starts scooting over farther and farther trying to find me, until he gets to the edge. So far he's always stopped there.

And when he's awake, he (nearly always - he's still human) treats me so tenderly, as if I'm very precious to him. He has done everything I have asked of him for R, and more. He hold me in his arms and prays for me, and for us.

There's hope even if your Wayward does not return to you. You are a beautiful person, and God is with you. You will come through this with more beauty, and full of grace, with or without your WS.

You never know what will reach them. With AJ, the one thing he remembers most were the cards and notes. Each person may be different, but at some level they can't help but recognize what you do. And someday they will care.

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When I left your house 1/2 hr. ago, you SAID you were going straight to bed, and yet here you are, still on the computer! Of course, I said I was going straight to bed when I got home, too, and look where we both are. I guess your apple didn't fall very far from the tree, did it? Your sister's probably on, too, after pretending she was so tired!

t&l

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