just reading your posts about court and divorce makes me sick to my stomach...oklahoma, you and jean are very strong women to deal with it having the attituade that you do

Peachy,

I am trying not to get my feelings hurt but it does. I kow he is fogged out and stupid right now, I just wish I could get that through my head.

I am going Wed. to get my hair cut probably gonna have to color it again after that. I did buy some new makeup last week, I have never been one to wear lipstick but I bought some... Gonna see if I like it ... When my WH was a H he used to talk about how sexy my lips were. So when we go to mediation on the 11 of Jan. I will be sporting a new hairstyle and color and lipstick .....

DD and I went to WAl-Mart tonight I got a new comforter and shams for my bed. Gonna throw the old one out. Make my room look brand new .....

I am trying to PlanA myself really I am .... I started the sketch today of my grandson's... So far have a just laid out the format and basics of it.... My DD said "Mom your drawing again, how cool and it looks like GS.. I said it is GS.... She was happy to see me doing that.

While we were eating at MIL'S, my SIL started the c onversation of how bad she felt for WH because he is being lied to and used. Of course MIL and I went along about how we hurt for him and how sad it was. DD never said anything but took it all in. Also MIL was telling us about a mna she met and how they are becoming friends. Now WH will freak out over that because he is so jealous of anyone being with his mom. He ck she has been a widow since 1988 she needs someone... Then we opend some champagne and made a toast and MIL winked at me and said to a better year and maybe we both can find a good man.... DD'S face was priceless.... Wonder how long it will take before WH hears all of this ....


Anyways I am feeling better now that I spend some money ..lol

I know eventuall he will get it but like you said Peach wll it be in my time frame.... Who knows .........

Eav,

Believe me it makes me sick to my stomach to but there isn't much I can do about ....

Since it i happening I have to handle it and be smart and protect myself and DS.

I don't like , I don't want it but we can't always get what we want. I am finding that out very quickly...

So I have no choice but to do what I have to do right now and thats stay smart and alert....

Good for you!

Remember...eyes are important too. Mascara, neutral eyes, some liner...and yes, neutral lipliner. Not the dark stuff...sorry NYC people...but that is OUT!

Neutral lip liner. Works with all lipcolors! And get a little gloss for center of lip. Really works well! Try new perfume too! That can make you feel like ANOTHER WOMAN! Heck, it will so confuse the WS when you go to mediation!

I would go there looking well...conservative but HOT! I would wear a nice skirt, high heeled boots, and a sweater with a v neckline...not too high..not too low...but low enough. Nice earrings that show off your new haircut and color. And perfume!

At that mediation hearing I would ask the attorney for YOUR TUITION AS WELL AS THE KIDS' COLLEGE TUITIONS! I would also ask for the division of 401k!

And if you know who is handing into to WS...then it is OK to appear a bit foggy yourself.

I still say try DOING THE 180 LIST and see how long it takes for WS to see you're different...really different!

It is cool. You can for sure LB the Waywards from afar!

You can!

hurting...Hon, you DO NOT KNOW YOUR OWN POWER!

I swear. It is there. YOu possess it! But you haven't realized it yet!

It is not OVER UNTIL YOU SAY IT'S OVER!

Great quote is from Animal House...Bluto: "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H#ll NO!"

I love that movie. wAs on the other night. Darth has my dvd of it. Darn Darth!

Every time you get down...say that quote to yourself to make you lighten up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Plus smiling is not only contagious...it is good for you...and it makes people wonder what you are up to! People always begin to worry when I start smiling alot.

And as I was leaving the ER...a RN saw me who knows me. She said "what's with that goofy grin...waht are you up to Peach?" She knows. I said "got plans...some hot plans!" She laughed.

Realize NOW YOUR POWER! THE WS IS CLINGING SO HARD TO THE OW B/C SHE IS PRESSURING HIM...WHY DO YOU ASK? BECAUSE OF YOU! BECAUSE HE WANTED TO LEAVE HER B/C OF YOU! You are in control! Take the reins!

Peachy,

Great advice, I already had planned the hot but conservative look fo mediation.

I want him to wonder what I am up to. I was wondering if I should wear my wedding rings or not.... I know he knows i continue to wear them he has mentioned it. But I wonder if I don't if he would wonder why......

I will ask about college money for sure. And the 401K is something I definatley won't forget.

I will remember IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER...... I gonna have to remind myself of that everyday .....

I just hope i can keep from crying during mediation and stay strong.... I don't want to appear lost and afraid with needyness thrown in there.... That would just lead him to think he still has me on a string.... How can I keep from breaking during this?????

MEMORIZE THE 180 LIST!

And if you tear up, it's ok. I cried when we signed papers...my xh cried also. The WS actually cried.

I would wear my ring. It is your show of committment. But in meanwhile...say FOGGY THINGS TO THOSE WHO WILL HAVE WAGGING TONGUES...like...I sure think it's time I made new friends...(do not expand on subject). Ask "where is a good bookstore?" Questions about finding a club..meeting new people! That will drive WS insane!

And ASK THE PEOPLE WHO WILL TONGUE WAG THEIR OPINIONS! It will for SURE get to the WS! He will hear:
1)how good you look
2)you are looking younger
3)acting younger
4)TRYING TO MEET NEW PEOPLE
5)moving ON without him!

It will be perfect for plan B. A passive way to get your outlook across! And it will LB THE OW AND WH FROM AFAR I CAN TELL YOU!

Oughta know. When D was final...before I really confirmed FV was preggers...I started doing foggy things. Darth knew I had new friends...started going out...and he even made snide comments to me about it. He hated me moving on...why? Because unfortunately he could do nothing about it...his ow was pregnant and I did not for sure know yet. I thought maybe...but not confirmed.

Wear skirt to knee...and knee high /high heeled boots. And a v neck sweater. Very classy yet elegant and also sexy! Will drive WH crazy..especially if YOU do not dress like that often!

Ok I will find the list and read it over ......

I will keep the ring on .....

Oh yeah they just opened a Starbucks here as well its only 2 blocks from my house I am so excited.... Only time I got Starbucks is when I went to OKC or something.....

Maybe go there with a book and enjoy the atmosphere and see what happens.... and its right next door to where the OW works to ..... A little close for comfort but oh well.....

I can do this, I can do this ...... keep repeating until ya believe BS...... Fake it till ya make it .....

Oh yeah I have all of that ... I got the boots and the skirt may have ot go buy a sweater but I can do that ....

I didn't dress like that very often.... In fact when we had court in Dec. I dressed like that and believe me he commented on it and how great I looked.... Could keep his eyes off me .....

And the boots I have he bought me and he loves them...... Oh yeah something else v ery intersting I ad on a pair of earring he bought me like 4 yrs ago and he noticed I wa swearing them.... He said I see your wearing the earring I bought you .... So he noticec a lot of little things.... Gonna wear jewlry he has bought me .. Lots of wonderful turquoise stuff he got me ... rings braclets and stuff.... Yup gonna put it all on .....

Oh yeah gonna wear the perfume he loves to ..... my vanilla musk , he always knew when I wore that he was gonna get lucky lol

Found out some interesting things last night from DD.

First off her and her BF are suppose to have dinner with WH saturday night so BF can meet dad. BF won't go unless its just dad, he does not want to meet the bimbo....

WH asked DD about me dating and wanted to know who it was. DD said dad I don't think mom is dating anyone she is always home or working and when she goes places we go with her. She told him anyone mom 47 years old she can do what she wants. He got mad about it. Then he told her well don't tell your mom I asked.

On Thanksgiving when OW'S husband came to pick up their DD OW and her H were in the kitchen and DD saw them all cozy and stuff. WH was in another room and missed it but DD walked in and saw it..

Christmas eve OW was talking about how when WH and I get divorced she will be happy then her and WH can get closer, don' know what that means how much closer than they get...
DD said WH didn't seem quite as happy as OW though..

So this is kind of an insgiht as to what is happening in fantasy land.

Well let me tell you these little things have now allowed me to get really get a plan formulated in my mind. It won't be anything were I will communicate with WH but as Peachy says I can make them LB from afar. Oh this is going to be good.....

Watch out OW I am coming out fighting now and you won't even know it..... And if I loose at least I will be on my way to a better life.....

Oh and Mimi don't worry these things did not upset me in any way in fact they made me laugh and realize just how shakey and crazy their whole relationship is..... Fantasy land for sure....

Happy New Year Oklahoma!

You sound very good. I know it must bite a little hearing about things in the love nest - nice to know that things are not all peachy keen over there.

Kudos to DD's BF for not glossing over the skanky OW issue. Do you like DD's BF, it sounds like he may have some scruples.

I would love to hear your plan. I think always looking happy and well kept as you start your New Year is a great idea. WH and OW can just shrivel up in the pig stye wondering why this great love doesn't make them look as happy as you seem.

I am hearing Mary Tyler Moore music in my head with shots of you swirling around all joyful and free not having to live in adulterous muck!

Jean,

Actually the plan is very easy... I am going on with my life. I am taking Peachy's advice and getting out doing things and gonna look good doing it..

My plan involves making the OW look like the scum she is... Let WH know I am not sitting around waiting anymore for him. Let him see he has scrapped the bottom of the barrel. I think I may even start bowling again. And that he would definatley find out. I'm gonna act happy and content in front of people if it kills me..... Especially people I know who will tell him.... Make him wonder what I am up to ..... Become a new me is the plan, sexy, happy and content with life. The person I was 24 yrs ago when we met. The person he fell in love with... I know she is in me I just gotta drag her out.....

And of course a few well placed words in the right ears won't hurt either..... I have nothing to loose and a lot to gain by doing this. I have already lost the man and I have me to gain and maybe just maybe someday gain the man back.... If not life will still be good ....

Your last 2 posts show you have reached a turning point. Good place t/b. You will find this a support when you feel you are slipping. Expect the WS to turn on the charm and try to get you back into the hole of despair he likes to keep you in.

Remember it is the WS who wants to keep you down, emotionally battered and at his disposal. No WS wants to see their BS move forward. None of them.

Keep up the good work.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks for the advice. I will keep my eyes open and my ears to the wall.

I will not allow the WS to bring me back down. I want to bring him down , down to the pits of ******.....

I don't like being were I have been for months and I am getting outta there. I am starting to like me again and I know I deserve to be happy and treated with respect. WH will learn this as well... Repsect me or get out of the way...

He will see I am not being his puppet anymore or will allow him or OW to manipulate me any more... Let them squander in their fantasy land hovel... I am moving on up to the land of the living.....

Maybe someday WH will want to be in the land of the living again, who knows..... But once darn thing for sure I will be there long before him.....

Ok gotta get dressed now and do some moving and shaking lol


Oh yeah that reminds me I bought all new stuff for my bedroom last night... New comforter and shams, and curtains... gonna throw out all the stuff from before ... Will look like a new room without any thing the WH has seen or touched....

Forgot to mention something else DD told me about OW... Seems her favorite color is the same as mine and we like the same music and she plays on the pc a lot( the one thing WH used to get mad at me about) anyhow I find this all kinda funny. He wanted away from me so bad but found someone who likes and does a lot of the same things I do ... Smae crap just a different face ... Naming pets the same names as ours.... Sounds to me like someone is trying to remake our lives ...... to funny it won't work ...... I got the real thing

Way to go Hurtin, you are doing so good. I hope I will be at that point soon. I do feel alot better about myself and am not obsessing over wh as much. I still do miss and love him but I have a life too.

As for the bed stuff you bought... I did the same thing about a month ago and even bought a king size bed. My wh asked why I did that, I told him well...(leave that up to imagination)lol

I did the items in the 180s list that were issues for me--

Pre-last Dday:
I would often give lots of affection and get crumbs. I would answer the phone quickly or call him at work-- he'd rarely be available and NEVER call me while at work. ID email him all the time, leave notes, pretty much smother him trying to get his attention. His neglect and taking me for granted was extremely hurtful and fueled my depression. I wanted to lose weight but never got off my butt, and an attractive spouse is in his top 3. During our marriage I gained 70 pounds, but the month before my last Dday I had lost nine pounds and was very excited. I was a horrible housekeeper (thanks depression!).

After Dday and discovering MB and Divorcebusters:
Ended affection. Stopped calling, emailing, leaving notes. I woke up each day and cleaned the house. I was still gracious when speaking to him and smiled and laughed even if I was dying inside. In the three months after Dday lost 21 pounds and threw out clothes I had worn for FIVE years and he took me shopping. Instead of asking what he liked, which I had always tried to do, I bought what I wanted and what made me feel sexy.

Although we were in a false recovery (discovered before the end of that year), my changes drove him absolutely NUTS. NOt in a bad way, however, but suddenly he was chasing ME and not the other way around. Suddenly I became someone he couldn't be absolutely certain would stick around for any more of his crap. I began learning about myself and if anything, the 180s list is a wonderful tool for changing YOUR life and outlook.

180s MUST BE PERMANENT. Yes, there is a bit of satisfaction out of watching the WS get rattled-- I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any fun in that. This is not a game, though. Its a tool to change YOU and YOUR circumstances. If they are used specifically for game playing and are dropped as soon as the WS comes home, they'll see it as the manipulation it was used for.

I still rarely make the first call to my husband. I *DO* call him so he knows he is on my mind, but definately not as frequently as before Dday. I often allow the phone to ring and not answer if I have something Im doing (like the baby!). I used to drop ANYTHING, even something I was doing with the kids, to rush to the phone and get my fix. Not anymore. What was the response to backing off of him? My husband calls ME at least three times a day. My parents thought it was weird when he called me fives times a day when I was visiting them. I feel cared for by letting HIM take the initiative.

I will now buy clothing he likes, but I balance it with items that please me. I initiate affection on ocassion now (it wold be nuts not to after a two year recovery), but I notice when I'm smothering and I back off to give HIM the chance to chase. He asked me to have another baby last year, much to my shock. That was *his* 180. He went from never wanting another child to wanting his wife to have another. Best gift he ever gave me.

The 180s helped me become the woman I was meant to be. It made me more appealing than the boring, desperate housewife I had been. It was a lifestyle change. I didn't do it for my husband. I did it for myself.

Do it for you.

Mojo,

I am doing for myself. I dislike what I have become.

I want to be the person I used to be before the depression and all of this ...

I am making the changes for ME and me alone. Yes I won't lie I want him to see it and wonder.....

If/when he would ever want to be with me again I still will keep the changes I have made because they make me happy....

I have got to live again, I have been stale way to long. Yes I want my H to live it with me but thats his choice.

It may look like game playing to him at first but its not, its who I want to be and he will see that as well as the rest of the world.

You know even during my plan A I was not the one who initiated phone calls or contact that was always him. I always was pleasant and didn't always answer the phone for him. I will not make contact with him now either as I am in planb but with kids, family and friends I know he will hear of my changes.

I am becoming me again Mojo someone I have missed for a long time..... I deserve it and won't stop until I achieve it.....

This is for me and my happiness and if by chance WH wants to come along great, but I will continue the journey with or without him....

I liked doing the 180 so much...I kinda stayed this way...yea, lately I had been sick...done the stay at home/work/1000 percent mom thing...and now I am back in my mode where I start living again.

180 works great! Even if you're separated, dating, or married. I think it's best accomplished at THE END OF PLAN A....AND YOU KEEP DOING IT AS YOU SLIDE INTO PLAN B...That's just my thoughts.

I think it's best you leave Ws on a high note, then show them all the positive changes YOU are making..but at same time it makes them wary as YOU begin to show signs of moving on!

totally freaks ws out! and it still freaks my xh out when I get back in that mode...it's coming darth! you're warned ok?

Basically I see the plan as a license to stop traffic! it's great. I am doing a total dating plan B to d..the absent BF and will combine it with 180 tools! He doesn't know what's coming yet...but the man will know soon!

good for you hurting! you're getting it! and yes, your wh does not get it right now..but he will. keep dropping hints about your life. about reading...searching...wanting a new life...wanting to go to college...start hanging out with new people...go hip places...join book club. start reading "in style" magazine or cosmo. those two freaked out my xh. especially cosmo. trust me...if you go to a hip place with new "friends" for an after dinner drink (with girlfriends) and get all dressed up...you spill the beans to the gossips...and wait for the fireworks to fly! you basically pretend you are sooooo loving life...(remember, you fake it till you make it)and he will HATE IT..

suddenly it will dawn on the ws. HE is not free to date around...he is shacked up with some woman. NO free time. Nothing. Never got to see what freedom was. In fact you can spout these phrases to the gossips! I did. sure made darth frustrated. but you're not in same sitch either..mine was worse b/c the ow was determined to get pregnant. You could say...wow MIL. (around the gossips)...I know what it is like to not do the things you really wanted to do in life. I see that now. I am not gonna tie myself down..no mam. I am gonna have so much fun. I have been taking this ALL WRONG...My WH can have the shackled down life. I just want to be free! be the old me that I used to be. Learn new things...explore. Go to college...and yes! have friends and go out!

Say a few fogged out phrases like this to the gossips...make it appear you are SORRY for the poor WH who is shackled down with the OW. that YOU are the one getting freedom and you're about trying it out NOW!

One of my favorite lines I used on him...and one he quoted to me during his first separation this year..."You never were free darth. But now I am. In the end, you wanted this divorce, but I was the only one who got to really be single."

He remembered my words of two years ago!

But I think your wh will react more to it. The more he sees you slipping away...and he PERCEIVES HE IS SHACKLED DOWN...their affair will get more stress on it!

Imagine it...Suddenly wh finds out you are hanging out with friends at starbucks...you are reading books in public! you have joined book club. You went to martini happy hour and was looking HOT! You are going out and about! You have a job. You are making money...and the nerve of you! YOU ASKED WH FOR MONEY TO GO TO COLLEGE...next thing he could know is that you've found yourself a younger man..a la Demi Moore! He will start having fantasies about YOU doing this stuff. And he will start to feel UNHAPPY AND COOPED UP. Trust me! It causes SO MUCH LB'ING FROM AFAR!

But you can use it to your advantage right now...since the man waffled and wanted to come home...at least entertained the thought a month ago. This will work great.

Stay dark! NO direct communication.

and NEVER ASK THE GOSSIPS ABOUT WH..Just make comments every once in a while...how you feel sorry for the way he's living. how sad it must be to NEVER get the chance to really taste freedom...etc...NEVER ask about wh...it will confirm the 180 even more. HE must think he's losing you forever!

In fact, before court...go to the mall and get a free makeover from one of the pricey makeup counters...how's that for fun!

Meanwhile he will come home..to the tiny ill gotten apartment with ow. She will try to kiss up. And soon he will think...that was W's favorite color...that was our pet's name...that was the perfume my w wore...who IS THIS WOMAN NEAR ME? And who in the heck does my W think she is prancing around town and flaunting her freedom?

Make it turn...TURN IT ON HIM!

You can do it...all being dark...and all from afar. Just gotta plant the right seeds...and you gotta blossom yourself! But you can't back down...once u make these changes..you must stick to being a fearless female forever!

Hurting- with an attitude like that, there is absolutely no way you can fail! I was so happy to read your response.

2006 will be a better year. For me, Im looking for it to be the best one of my life.

Peachy,

I am sticking to it all..... I want to be that person....

I am going to be that person......

Onward and upward as they say, I have no where to go but up. I have been at the bottom for so long now....

Things are looking up thats for sure... My self-respect is coming back , I am starting to love me again ..... I had lost that so long ago and when he left like he did I had no self-worth I thought I worthless and unloveable because of who I had become.... I believed that for so many months. Now I see thats not true I am loveable and fun....

In a way what really helped me see this was people at work. I get good reviews and comments from co-workers they all like me and even some of the younger guys comment on how I look and act. They say things like your H must be crazy to leave someone like you... It made me realize wait a minute people who don't really know me see I am a good person so I must be....

It has brought my self-esteem back to the top. I like it there and its going to stay there..... Rock On Me!!!!!!

Life is for the living and thats what I am going to do live and enjoy it........