Orchid,

Sounds good to me but the only problem is the mediators are our attorneys. So not sure how well that will work.

Only way I will get in front of a judge is if we don't come to an agreement Wed.

I tell you Okla. is screwy with this stuff.... But I will let my attorney know this information , not sure what good it will do though .

Is there a way you can plead with the mediators and/or judge that you both go to at least 8 sessions of MC before the D...for co-parenting? And set it up with the Harley's?

Ok appt. wih Steve on the 10 day before mediation.....

I did the Love bank inventory thing..... I am so praying that he can help.....

I don't know Still..... I have tried to mention that to my attorney and he says Okla. won't do it...

I truly believe the only thing I can do is not agree on Wed. and hope and pray to get before a judge and state my case and hope that the judge will make something happen...

But in all honesty they don't care.....

Yes, lawyer says judge and state won't go for it, but during mediation it's not up to judge or state...it's up to WH to agree to it. You can ask for ANYTHING...doesn't mean he will agree to it, but you lose nothing by asking...and possibly gain by asking...

He may agree because he secretly wants to stay M and is Ding to appease OW. If he HAS to agree to MC then he can go back to OW and blame YOU for his continued contact with you...it's a way to give him an out...

How do you work MC into a Plan B? That is a tough one, and one you can talk over with Steve. A firm Plan B is the best, but every case is different, and I have read on here some of the advice he has given folks to apply a modified Plan B...I wouldn't recommend it except under the Harley's advice...

I will mention this to Steve and see what he says ..... If he thinks its a good idea I will then ask for it during the mediation... I don't think WH will go for it but I'll try ....

Hurting,
There is a huge downside for him to a quickie divorce. He cannot be certain it is what he wants. He thinks he does, but KNOW in your heart of hearts, that he has doubts. When this divorce is final and sinks in he is going to gulp and say, HS I hope I did the right thing. Then his mind is going to start to eat away at him.

Good luck with the Harleys.

Shattered,

I hope your right about that.... I know it is all happening so fast. I was shocked to learn it could happen this fast. He just seems so sure of it...

Only time will tell....

Hurting, I was thinking about you today on my way home from work. I was almost home before I realized that I was actually feeling optimistic in a pestimistic kind of way. By nature, I'm a "glass half full" kind of girl. While I believe in and practice the MB way, I perhaps have different thoughts than some here.

In the BIG letters up on the movie marquette, what I read is "HURTINGINOKLA'S WH IS H*LLBENT ON DIVORCE". You can try all the stalling mechanisms you can but my opinion is that, at this point, nothing is going to stop it. It's like a giant fart. It's going to be a silent-but-deadly slow one or a loud, rippin' one. Either way, it's going to stink. Either way, you are going to feel some relief from the bloat.

I know that you don't want to be divorced. None of us BS want to be divorced. It seems like it's thrust upon we BS or we come to a point where we cannot take it anymore or we string it out for ages. We put a lot of time, energy, agony and blood into our WS. Our love banks are drained. Our lives are in shambles and limbo. We try hard but the BS is only one part of the equation. (Everything a BS can give + not much from a WS) - (all the stress and worry)=??????? Sometimes we move into recovery, sometimes we don't.

So what do I see to be positive?

Well, for one thing the more you fight this divorce, the more it's going to cost you. It's like ripping the bandaid off fast. If the writing is on the wall, read it.

I suggest you use WH's blazing desire to divorce to your advantage. Ask for the Moon and the Sky, his right arm and left nut. I'm betting you can change your demands up until you hit mediation and probably get just about anything you want and more. Don't be fair. Get as much as you can. If WH really wants to get divorced, you'll get it.

Hurting, you've fought the good fight. If divorce happens, take it on your terms. Don't think of it as a rejection, think of it as a release. You've tried very hard. You can take the energy that went into this valiant fight and channel it into something more productive. Not that trying to save your marriage isn't productive. Heck, I'm there.

You will no longer need to be walking on eggs. You will be getting the financial support you are legally entitled to. You will have a sense of closure. What's done, will be done and you can move on.

My intuition tells me that this divorce is very premature on your husband's part. It hasn't even been a year. He's getting pressure from we know where. Your message has always been loud and clear that you do not want a divorce. Some day, the fog may lift. I doubt it will miraculously happen in the next 10 days. He will realize what an idiot he's been and all of the associated self-flagellating thoughts. And I hope it hurts badly. At that point, you may or more likely not be there for him. If the fog never lifts, you've been spared a lot of stringing along.

I imagine I might be getting a few 2x4's for this post. Ya never know around here. You are not giving up, you are changing your tact. My wish is that you go into this from a position of strength. Not the "Boo hoo, it's over" but rather "I've done my best to prevent what I don't want but if you want a D, you B-----d, I will do it with dignity."

(((((((hurting)))))))))

GG,

You know as I was reading your post it brought me to tears because deep down inside me I know you may be right.

I never wanted to admit that to myself and still don't. My brother said almost the same thing to me yesterday. He told me that WH played me all these months because he made his descion when he walked out the door the last time.... Maybe I was just blind to see it.... I don't know.

I guess because I am the person who hope springs eternal for, I just kept beliveing that there was no way he could not care anymore. You just don't love someone and live with them for 24 years and walk away with no feelings at all. I personally could never do that so I have a hard time comprehending anyone would....

I don't know what the future holds for me or him but the hope is still here as deluded as it may be.... I still pray he will realize what he has done.

I know I can't stop this divorce but I will not back down from what I want. We will just see how bad he wants this... If he wants it bad enough then he will give me what I want to get it.

I will be ok thats for sure but my heart breaks a little more each day that this goes on.

Good heavens. Charming turn-of-phrase you have, grape.



Been there, done that.

I think this is good advice, grape. Hurting needs to move quickly to put her own financial considerations first and foremost now.

You stayed behind, you warned the wildfire was coming, you waved your arms, called the fire department and the police. He didn't listen. Now it's time to get the pets and kids in the car and pull out of town. And don't look back.

One of the best pieces of advice I got was "Use this energy to see with." I think you'll be seeing this all very differently a year from now.

Some days I feel the same way about my WH. It's been over a year since he moved out. He doesn't live with OW, at least as far as I know. He has little contact with his kids. But as friend of mine said about 3 months after D-day, "Honey, face it, he's checked out of your family."

A big part of me is aching for closure. I want to know why, after 28, now 29 years of marriage, 3 kids and a lot of good times, he has thrown it away. Why is our marriage of no value? Why are our children not worth being around? When and how did he decide I was such a bad person? Was this an exit affair or was he trapped? How long has he perceived he felt unhappy? What are his EN? He means so much to me. Is what we have built for so many years built on a garbage dump?

Do you know what I mean? Nobody wants to admit this kind of stuff to themselves. It's somewhere in the stages of grief.

I suggest you ask for all of his 401K. He has a decent job and will be able to rebuild his retirement funds. You will always be playing catch-up. There is no guarentee you will be able to get any part of his Social Security. Ask for PERMANENT spousal support. Health and dental insurance. Ask for your continuing education to be paid for to get your B.S. or B.A. and express your desire for a graduate degree. Get a new car. Factor in the need for a vacation when you go on a cross-country tour of all your MB friends. Oh yes, and more than a pound of flesh.

We will survive. We will grow. We will have honor.

GG,

That all sounds wonderful but I will tell you its all a dream.

I asked for the insurance and was told that once divorced I can't have it. I asked for life insurance to provide in case for CS and SS I was told here most judges won't grant it. The longest I can get SS/Alimony is for 10 years.

I can't even get money for DS for college more or less me.... IN Okla the laws are so screwy they don't give a crap. How many states do you know you can be divorced in as little as 10 days.... Adultry can be used as ground but they will only count if the person committing adultry is going for custody of a minor child... Everything else is 50/50 ... No/fault crap sucks, it does not matter he left us and we did without a lot things, they don't care....

Believe me I tried with all of this only to be told it won't happen.... I looked on line and pretty much saw all of this stuff... Now if someone here knows something I don't please tell me and I will check it out....

I am the one who got treated so bad and will really walk away without anything to show for a 24 yr marriage. The person who struggled with this man and raised 3 children and stood by him all these years only to be tossed aside by him and the court system like I don't count at all....

The court wants to be fair, none of this is fair. He gets to walk away with loosing a little money and still has a good paying job and does not have t worry about the future. I on th other hand don't have a college education not that I am stupid but I was raising babies taking care of home and him. And now I will have t worry do I have enough money to py the light bill or what ever....

I don't have anyone to hold me at night so I can have comfort, I have nothing left anymore. I have to leave my home I have lived in for 17 years and move to an apt. or some other place I probably won't be able to afford. I am the one slinging hamburgers now to make ends meet.

Does the court or some judge care about this? Heck no they don't they don't care myself and my children will now have our standard of living go way down, while the WH is still all cozy and happy....

So try as I might to get what I want it will never happen, the law does not care......

I have only been to Oklahoma once in my life. It was a hit-and-run trip for a sporting event. So, I don't know much about the state except for the fact I couldn't believe that all the highways into Tulsa were toll roads. I perceive Oklahoma to be conservative, religious and family-oriented. Who'd thunk about their divorce laws?

I always tell my kids not to make a problem, make a solution. This is a state whose divorce laws are demanding a change. Are OK wives suppose to be buried in their husband's tombs...alive? Can you actually own property? Where did these laws come from and who benefited? Back in the day, did some lawmaker want to marry his bimbo? Did they want to become the Las Vegas style divorce capital of the Midwest? No wonder all those preachers make such a big deal about fire and brimestone, they live in it.

Even if it's the law, you can make your voice and opinion known. There's got to be somebody around with a thread of decency.

The message is clear: Get this done and get the H-E-double hockey sticks out of that state.

GG and A.M.

I know you both may be right about all of this but I can't let my hope die out...

I am just not ready for that. I am not read to give up on my marriage or him. Yes I may get divorced and I will continue to live my life.

But I can't give up not yet.... I just don't feel it yet...

I know when the right time comes I will feel it.... I just know....

I will be fine the kids will be fine... Yes I will have to be careful with money but I can and will make it....

I wish I still didn't love this man sometimes because it would be so much easier. He has stomped on my heart many times this last 7 months. But my heart still loves him...
Maybe it always will, I don't know but I just can't give up yet....... Something in me tells me not to....

Actually GG they are trying to change the laws here. A little late for me though.

they are trying to make it were you have to be legally seperated for a year before divorce can be filed and 6 months of MC has to be done...

They are also trying to pass what they call a controlled seperation... This is when you both live in the same house but are seperated and have to attend MC different things. Its kinda hard to explain... Okla has been degraded by other states for their divorce laws....

Like I said unfortunaly for me all these laws will be to late.....

But for the future of Okla. families it will be a good thing if they pass....

I hear you, HURTING....

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Thanks Mimi.....

I just can't give up yet.....

I just feel like everyone thinks I should.....

He can still come back right????

This affair will end I have to believe that ......

In your case, giving up and getting divorced are not the same thing. The divorce decision has pretty much been taken out of your hands.

I know what you mean. My heart has been stomped on for some time. Unfortunately, every time I look into it, I believe that I still love WH. I'm not giving up but then again, my WH hasn't taken the steps yours has.

Protect your heart. Protect your finances. Keep hope. More than one couple on this forum has remarried after D. Perhaps there is a different plan for you in the grand scheme of things. You and I are of a similar age. Every day is a new beginning. I will live. I will thrive. I will not hold onto something that does not benefit me. If it comes to divorce, I will not be one of those women who lives in the shadow of their divorce.

Move through the steps. Grief, anger, acceptance, and whatever else there is. Move at your own pace but the pace for ending the marriage has not been set by you.

Who knows what the future holds?

Take it day to day...