There has got to be a few good people in the court system. It is worth taking the chance.

Right is might. Good will prevail. Karma is a b-------.

Hurting,

I feel your pain as I could have written these same words. I also do not have a college degree. My WH and I thought that my staying home to raise our son was the most important thing in the world. I did daycare at home and then got a job in his school when he entered 1st grade. Then my life flashed before my eyes. I saw my future alone, scared, uneducated, and worthless. For all the sacrafices I had made it seemed he would reap the benefits. All the while he is keeping warm at night with someone who is telling him wonderful things about himself. The pain was unbearable at times.

Your feelings sound so familiar to mine that I want you to know that I am okay now. I live each day knowing there are no guarantees for my future so I do what I want when I want to. I'm not accountable to anyone but myself and there is freedom in that. I am happy. I have my moments, I still get lonely, but overall I feel happiness. I am becoming more confident than I was. I am becoming more self assertive.

Most importantly Hurting, your situation is no different today than yesterday or D-day. The divorce is a legal document, yes. But if someday you want your husband back, you will have that opportunity to decide. You will have to go deep into your soul and listen to only your voice, what it is telling you it wants. When his affair falls apart and he realizes what he lost, you will be in a different place than you are now. If you still want to reconcile with your WH someday, don't get caught up in the divorce "label". You have spent a lifetime with this man. You are an emotionally healthy, kind and caring woman. Of course you cannot detach and move on so quickly, no matter what the courts or your WH says. Just because OK grants a divorce in 10 days does not make your sitch any different than others here whose states take longer. Forget about the courts and well intentioned friends, families, neighbors and strangers. Take care of yourself and listen to your heart.

Shattered,

You have no idea what your words meant to me...

They touched me very deeply. Your right I know its only a peice of paper and if/when the time comes I will be the one to make the descion on what happens.

I will be ok, it may be rough for awhile but I have the love and support of many family and friends... And of course all of you....

Again thank you for the wonderful post...


Hurting

((( Hurting )))

I also cannot believe this is happening so quickly. The subject title here shocked me.

All you can do is protect yourself the best you can financially. Hold your head up high and feel the love of your family and many friends. You certainly will not be alone in that court.

And, and I am a firm believer in this - YOU do not need to do anything at all to bring him down or cause him pain.
Powers that are much stronger than you or I will give him justice. It's karma, you can't hurt people and not have to pay. He will get his, please trust me on this. It may not happen soon, but it will come. Please try to find some comfort in this.

If you need someone there with you - I am in Fort Worth and I will come.

Best regards - carnation

Carnation,

That is so sweet of you to offer to come here for me. I can't believe someone who does not even know me would offer such a wonderful gift. It means a lot to me.

I will be ok. I will make it through this. I will admit I am so scared and hurt and not sure of what my life will be like.

I still hope and pray that he will come home someday. Divorced or not I can't imagine him not in my life.

I was talking to my brother yesterday and I told him I was thinking about coming to Va. were my whole family lives. He said to me why would you do that? I told him so I could be wth all of them. He said BS you have lived in Okla. all your life except for a few years, do you really think moving here will help you? I told him at least I wouldn''t have to see WH, he said thats not a good enough reason to move, your life and friends are were you are now.... He told me I really need to think this over and not make a rash descion on how I feel right now.

He also told me if you still have hope for you and WH how do you think you leaving will help? If you stay there he can see the changes and see you moving on with your life and maybe that will make him think.... Maybe he is right I just don't know right now....

I just f eel so many emotions right now , scared, hurt, angry and even a little bit of hate for him.... But for some reason my love seems to overcome all of them... I am such a idiot for still loving and wanting this man after he has done this and walk away so easy..... Where is the man I married 24 yrs ago???? This man is nothing like him, he is a total stranger in my husbands body....

Hurting, I also think that you may not be happy moving away. I think it would drive you crazy being so far away. Maybe later on down the road, like IF (and I doubt this) they got married, maybe then. But I do believe it would be wiser for you to stay put until you really, really must leave. You will know when that time is, if ever.

It is the addiction and fog that changes them. My WH changed big time during his A. I kept asking him, what is wrong, why are you acting like this ??? Not putting 2 and 2 together. Not knowing that he was involved with OW and acting out of shame and guilt. He was trying his very best for me to just kick him out and that was not what I wanted to do. Instead I LB ed not knowing the whole story.

My xh treated me terribly for a very long time. I was abused in every sense of the word. To look at him you would never believe what was going on in our home. He was a very successful businessman and I looked the part too. But oh the pain of it all. I could go on and on about a sit like that - AND if there is anyone reading this who is in an abusive relationship, I know what you are going through. I know all the dynamics of it inside and out.

Anyway, what I am trying to say to you is - my xh, who owned several franchises is now broke !! Our whole family is shocked that this could happen. Not me. I prayed for years and years for God to help me and give me strength. Certainly not for xh to hit bottom, never dreamt that would even be a possibility. Well, Hurting, he did. Big time. He got his. Through no cause of me. I did absolutely nothing. Even took a very small small portion in our divorce. His doing not mine. (I was outlawyered !!). But I am happy (well y'all know my story, not broke anyway) and he is not. He finally got what he deserved. And you know what, after causing me pain for so many years, with his down fall I feel nothing for him and his situation. I am not glad that it happened, I am not sad that it happened. I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever.

Anyway, I am just saying that I have seen alot of pain in my life and I survived it. He did not. Good always wins. Always. Good will come to you too Hurting. Trust in God and watch your back !!!! lol

I am here for you if you need me.

Best regards - car

Hurting, I've come to realize that there are people in life who can move and those who can't. A lot of people just can't leave home. They live blocks away from their parents and elementary school in their hometown. Others of us have no problem with moving. At one point, my 5 siblings and I lived in 5 different states. Big western states. There's nothing wrong with either view.

Moving may not solve anything for you. It can be hard but it can be a new beginning. Your son is high school is probably your biggest consideration. Moving a school aged kid is really difficult. What about your grandbabies? I assume your DD will live in OK. Maybe your brother doesn't want you coming to VA because he fears he'll be "saddled" with you.

Think of the possibilities. If and when you're divorced (and stay divorced) and your kids are more independent, you can do what you want. I used to have a recurring fantasy about running away from home and being a childcare worker at a Club Med. Yes, you can get paid to be at the beach and watch children. Maybe you could wash dishes at an Art Colony. You'd be hired for a menial skill but still be around art. Perhaps you could find a way to build up a nest egg for later.

Be strong and open your mind. The world is your oyster.

Hurting,

You need to ask for EVERYTHING you want. Stop listening to "but the judge won't allow it"...you are not going before a judge...you are asking htese things of your WH...and in a negotiation there is give and take. No, you won't get everything you ask for, but you have to ask for more than you want so you have something to take off hte table when he countermands your demands...

I don't want you feeling stupid when you walk in there with your list of demands and WH OKs it right away...that means you asked for too little.

Ask for MORE than state requirements, he can ALWAYS say NO.

Think of it this way, make it VERY expensive for him to D, so he will look at reconciliation as a viable financial choice later...

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT for continuing to love your H.

You made a commitment to him FOR LIFE-UNTIL DEATH.

This is a covenant made before GOD.

It is my belief that GOD WANTS YOU TOGETHER..

Just because MAN's legal system sanctions divorce, divorce does not have to be acceptable to you...

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE...

Carnation,GG , Still and Mimi,

First let me say all of make very good sense to me.

As far as moving away goes I am not sure what I want to do. Part of me wants to run away and never see WH again because it hurts so much. But then part of me feels the need to stay here because I fear leaving that I will never see him. A two edged sword for sure. That part of me wants to be for the time the affair does fall apart so I can help im up from the fall.

My DS will start high school next year and I do have to think of him and how all of this will effect him. Its bad enough he will no longer have his dad living with him and moving from the home he has lived in all his life but to take him from his friends and not seeing his dad on a regular basis could cause him more harm.

Then I have the chance that WH may fight me on leaving here with him. Of course he says if DS wants to go he won't fight it but then again he lies so much who knows. I will not leave here an leave my DS at the mercy of my WH and his OW. I will stay until DS is on his own before I would ever allow WH to have him.

I have been thinking about what I have asked for in the settlement, and I have decided to change some things. I am not going to make this easy on him. You are right Still I should not listen to a judge won't allow this, these are things WH owes me and I am going to request them. Yup I may not get them but we never know.

Mimi your right anything is possible when you believe.....

I have to keep believing at least for now that he will come back.... Maybe in time that will change but for now I still have the hope...

Thanks all of you .....

Hurting-
So sorry that things seem to be happening so quickly - I
know you must feel like you are on a freight train headed
for a collision and you can't get off the train !
(Been there, done that)

Wonder if your WH is just so conflicted and confused that
he can't make a decision and is letting OW talk him into
circumstances that he is really going to regret. I think
when he comes out of the fog (and he will) he is going to
be horrified by the way he's acted and things he's done and
won't even realize how deep in the hole he's gotten himself.

My past couple of weeks have certainly been very dramatic
and I've felt some hope, but realize it's going to be a long
road and still no guarantee that things will work out with WH. Now that his initial "shock" from the DUI situation has
lessened his depression and anxiety have leveled out and he's not as needy and clingy as he was last week. He stayed
at home for five nights, but then last night decided he
wanted to stay back over at his rented room, and I'm not
sure if that's just him needing to have some time alone,
or if it shows him getting back on the fence as far as OW,
so I'm not feeling as optimistic today. He did ask me to
come eat dinner with him last night, however, and it was
pleasant. I tried to talk about things a little bit- asked
what he thought about he and I, and what we were doing now
and he said we were "taking it slow, trying to work on things". Also ask what the situation was now with OW, and
he said it was mutually "broken off" (not sure about that)
however I know they do continue to talk at least some, and
I am very curious what the real "deal" is with that-
(don't know if she might have broken it off realizing he
does have real issues, STILL has a wife, and due to the DUI
or if it was him, needing the support, comfort and stability
of home).

I am thinking of you and praying for your situation. Glad
you can talk to Steve Harley- I have always wanted to do
that myself. I do think there is still hope and you are
handling things as well as is possible ! You are probably
just right in thinking about the possibility of moving, but
waiting to see how things go- no rush decision or actions.
Slammed


he's not as "needy"

I am trying slammed...... I feel so lost right now and scared.... I have not been single in a long time and not sure how to handle it....

I won't be Mrs. anyone anymore, and its scary to think of being alone and single again.....

I am just so scared ........

Honestly, I think that if you move away that there's absolutely no chance that you will reconcile with your WH.

I do believe that there is a chance, divorce or not, if you stay put.

Their relationship will definitely end. Dr. Harley's prediction is two years for most As.

The problem, IMHO, is that it is much too easy to get a divorce in your state. It's so unfortunate.

Plus, I agree with you that it's in the best interest of your son, given his adolescence, to be near his father, WH-father or not....

Hang in there, Hurting....

I'm sad for you. I understand your sadness. I remember how scary it was for me to think that I would have to start my whole life over again at age 50 after being with my H since age 18. IT IS TERRIFYING!!!

However, I agree with the others that you need to BE STRONG, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH, AND PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR SON TO THE FULLEST!!

It is important to gain his respect at this point. He is losing a PRECIOUS GEM!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Please, please, please reconsider moving for your DS sake. It is hard enough dealing with a D, but a move on top of that, and it would be devastating. Trust me on this, kids do NOT get over D or moves (I'm not sure adults do either).

Ok I had a long post but lost it so I will try again ...

Mimi,

I agree me leaving will probably ruin any chances of reconciliation and i am not ready for that yet....

DS does need his dad WH or not.....

Anyhow WH just called DD to tell her to tell me CS won't be here this week they supposedly messed up his paycheck... So looks to me like he will be paying me the next 2 weeks. One is due the 1 and one the 15 of each month.

I will not allow him to get behind or I will be requesting garnishment of his pay... he is not going to put me back in the hole I won't allow it.. My bills won't wait and its not my problem its his .... Maybe he should ask OW to help him out.... She wants him so bad and to be in his life maybe she needs to step up to the plate and help him out... Thats part of being in a relationship, helping each other...


This makes me so mad , if he thinks I am going to sit here and just let him pay when he wants he is so wrong..... I have had enough of being Mrs. Nice Guy ..... It's time for him to be responsible..... See already we have money issues with him.... How does he think he will be able to make this work for him???? He is so irresponsible with money , thats why I always did the bills and such he does not plan out anything.....

Still ,

I will have to move at least into another place here....

I cannot stay in this house , unless I could figure out a way to pay it off to my MIL and I don't see that happening... My SIL wants to buy it .... They are not pushing me out I have time but I know I have to do something....

I am not making any life altering descions right now, its just my emotions getting to me and trying to get away from the hurt I know this..... I know it will follow me no matter where I am , I know running from problems never works they always find you no matter where you are...

Thanks for all the support

It's so obvious that this is not going to work for him...

I agree with your anger and conviction, though, regarding the finances...

I am speaking to my attroney about this next week and see what we can do and if garnishment is possible I want it done...

I know it will make him mad but oh well this is what he has chosen to do he has to live with it....

I don know from being with him for so many years around the holidays money is tighter because of being off so much, but its not my fault. He knew this and should have planned accordingly... He could have saved some instead of buying the OW xmas gifts..... DD said he knew he would have to pay 2 weeks in a row, I am glad he realizes this and he better follow through....

I just know this money issue is going to cause some problems for him.... He will always be whining about it ....

Hurting - I think you are being given some great advice. On the subject of moving. I just wanted to say that kids are very resilient when it comes to moving. Mine have moved a lot and they adjust just fine. So if moving is something you have to do or choose to do then know that your son will be fine.

I do agree that having his parents go through a divorce will be traumatic, so hopefully you can get him into some kind of counseling.

This is a tough time for your family. Love your kids.

You are doing all the right things. I will be thinking about you next week.

Hurting,

I know moving is a huge decision. I think about it many times, but I am still here. It's hard to pick up and move after you have lived in one house for so many years. It's a change that is not easy to make.

With a move considering how DS feels is also important. When we moved here 8 yrs ago, my daughter was 13, just going into junior high. It was very difficult on her because she had to change schools
and wasn't where here friends were going anymore. She took it really hard. A move can be devastating to a teen, especially away from life long friends.

Anyway...you will probably be better able to make a decision like that later. Too much going on right now to think about it. One step at a time, my dear.

Blessings,
Lady