In my separation agreement, my H had to make my mortgage payment as well as pay spousal and child support.

I think it is ESSENTIAL in the mediation for you to ask him to pay your rent or payments to his mother for you to stay in your house.

That is a reasonable request, I think.

Don't worry about him being "mad". It is important for him to RESPECT you. He certainly does not RESPECT the OW....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lady,

I am considering DS in this .... IN fact him and i just had a talk, he knows we will more than likely have to move from our house and he is ok with that. He says he would go to Va. but I know he would miss his dad very much...

I am making no descions anytime soon.... We will see how things go until the summer time. So thats a few months away..

Deep inside me I want to give WH and OW the chance to try and make this work and watch it fall apart. I know it will eventually and I want to see it happen.... I won't have to do anything to help it along, I think him just struggling to make his payments to me will be enough on my part.

I am going to ask Steve Harley though what I should do if this divorce happens. Do I stay in planb or maybe just kinda plana him from a distance. I know I will have to at some point communicate with him about DS. Plus I want to be able to show him I am happy and moving along... I will see what Steve has to stay about all this.... I will follow whatever advice he has to offer...

So not to worry I am not doing anything for now, just thinking about the future without making any life long descions for now. Not only that I have been thinking about WH asking me about moving and how he would help me.... I wonder sometimes if its because he fears having me close he may realize what he has done or if he really just wants me gone from his life... I know OW would like it because she would not have not worry about him around me at all... Maybe just me being around is to much for him and it causes guilt, heck I don't know .....


Hurting

Mimi,

I am past worrying about him being mad.... I don't really care how mad he gets I deserve more than I am getting from him.....

In fact let him be mad because to me that would cause problems between him and her.... You think she is gonna want to listen to him rant and rave about me? I know I wouldn't if I was her....

If anyone should be mad and throwing a fit it should be me... I am mad but not showing him that but he is going to repsect me because I am going to demand it by my actions... He is not walking on me anymore, I have allowed that for almost 7 months now and it won't happen any more I am taking my control back from him.... He will pay me on time or he will suffer the consequences thats all there is to it....

So let him get mad I am past the point of caring, I have done everything to keep that from happening to try and save my marriage and it didn't work so now he can be mad , glad or whatever. He never really tried to work on us, he just kept stringing me along as long as I was a nice girl and let him get away. Once I took some control by filing the LS he got angry and did this.... He told me flat out thats why he had divorce papers drawn up because I filed the LS siteing adultry... So be it WH in the long run you will be the one regreting this and having to pay the ultimate price the lose of your family and someone who has loved you for so many years.....

Hurting,

I'm thinking the same. WH was asking about your moving many times. Having you in town causes him more grief embarrassment and guilt. Oh well.

I think asking for the mortgage payment also is a good idea. MIL would probably like that too.

Lady

Lady,

I am not sure about the house thing.... If I could pay her she may let me buy it I don't really know..... I am going to talk to her about this though..... I have put 17 yrs in this house so who knows.....

As far as WH being uncomfortable with me around he may as well get used to it because I will be here for a while at least...

This whole thing just sucks ......

Well I was suppose to work tonight but I called in....

For some reason all of this hit me like a ton of bricks this afternoon and I just can't stop crying...

I don't know how I can do this..... I don't want this to happen.....

I have got to get it together before Wed.

How am I going to go in there looking and acting strong?

oh oklahoma....i'm so very sorry for you

acting "as if" is so painfully hard and you've done such a good job...it's okay to break once in a while

me....i don't even attempt it...

I can't pull it off except when i was in plan A and my H was around...but it took everything i had to do it

so i understand....

Do not look at him....oklahoma....you will be able tohold yourself together better

and i'm sure others will not agree with me...but i wouldn't even try...i would show him how this is hurting you

i tried it when we signed the papers for the house...i scheduled ot so that my H would get there and sign then leave before i got there...butr he had to come back because they changed a paper....i took one look at him...he smiled like he was winning the prize of his life....and i burst out in tears and ran out the door and down to the parking lot.....

at least he felt bad enough to call like crazy after he left and when i got home later

just becasue they have no feelings right now...why pretend that we don't?? someday they will remember that day and what feelings you showed

maybe strong IS the best choice for YOU though oklahoma...i'm just saying what i would do

i'm praying for you hon

Hurting, Could you go to the doctor before Wed and try and get something to take for anxiety ? I have taken Xanax for when I get very stressed or panic attacks. For the short term they might work for you. It should calm you down and get you through next week. I am not advocating drugs here, just trying to get you options.

Best regards - car

Eav,

The one good thing about this is I don't have to be in the same room with him. I may not even see him... But more than likely we may pass in the hallway or something. I just want to be able to be strong enough to stand my ground and not back down in fear I will make him mad. You know what though making him mad sure can't push him away any further than he is.

It just amazes me how they don't see the pain and destruction they cause. How they can just move on so easy..

Carnation,

I don't have any health insurance right now so I can't really afford to go to the dr. I know it might help but I am just going to have to set my mind to do this....

Sometimes i just think if I just went off on him I would feel better.... I have been so nice and calm 99% of the time he has seen no anger from me since all this crap started.... I have told him my feelings but in such a way I was calm doing it.... I want him to feel my wrath and anger.... I know it would not be a smart thing to do but I have heard and felt his many times in this....

I sometimes wonder if he thinks because I never came unglued on him if I really don't care... I know he expected it at some point because he knows I can have a bad temper but I have worked very hard to control it and it has made me a better person....

Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just accept this and wallk away like he has done?

"Why can't I just accept this and wallk away like he has done?"

Because you are not him! You are far from that type of person!

"I don't know how I can do this..... I don't want this to happen....."

He knows hurting and He will be walking beside you the entire path, He knows you are strong enough to walk this path. Sweeheart, you will do just fine I promise.

I don't f eel like I will befine, I feel like my whole world is shattering....

I am scared and alone. I miss my life and my husband. I don't want it to be over.....

I know I can make a life without him but how do I stop loving him?

I gave this man over half of my life, how do you throw half of your life away like trash? Was it all a lie?

I just have to keep telling myself , You can do this....

You can be strong, you are a worthy person, you deserve better....

I am sure by Wed, I will be doing better.... I just have to accept this.....

He is gone and thats just how it is ...... As my brother tells me ... it is what it is and nothing more......

I don't know how strong you truly can be. It will take everything you have to do this.
WH, is this truly worth the total and wanton destruction you are about to heap upon this family and all those around you that still care about you. Look him in the eye and do not break contact. Do not let him wiggle out of an answer.
His reaction or answer will give you the path you are to follow.
He may just realize he is about to lose EVERYTHING he ever held dear.
As for your son. I see a very strong young man of character being molded here. You will be proud of him the rest of your days. I can already see from some of your posts that he is well on his way to becoming a caring, selfless and strong man.

BKarl,

My son he is my light in my life right now..... This young man will be a very loving and caring husband someday for someone....

He talks to me and worries over me. He is so disgusted with his dad at this point. He does not go out of his way to speak to him or see him. Now I will say when WH spends time with him he is very repectful of his dad and will not put him down. His dad knows how he feels as DS has told him. That is one thing I have told my son no matter what he is your father and he deserves respect for that. You can love someone and let them know you do but that does not mean you hae to like or accept their poor behaviors. So WH and DS do not speak about this subject much....

DS has no desire to be around the OW or have anything to do with her. He was very happy that he does not have to spend any nights with his dad since its in our papers no over night visits allowed...

You know I would love to be able to say that to WH. I think I could but I know I would be crying as I said it... It may be something he needs to hear though .... And your right his reaction maybe would tell me a lot....

Hurting - I know it is totally against Plan B, but I don't see how you can divorce and not speak to your WH first. Maybe I am wrong or missing something, but I would have to at least look at my husband and tell him this is not what I want and is it what he REALLY wants.

I know Plan B says no contact, but this in my opinion is beyond Plan B. I mean, the state of OK is allowing you to be divorced in a few days. I still can't believe the laws are like that there. That is just terrible.

If I were you I would HAVE to speak directly to my WH...face to face even though I would cry. I think he needs to see that emotion. See how badly he is hurting you and your family. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It shows you care.

This is all just my opinion as I know others have advised you against this.

I am thinking of you and praying for you.

As a side note...I lived in Lawton, OK two different times and in fact my DD18 was born there!

Hurting:

Ask Steve about Lost's idea...

I was thinking that I would probably do that...PLAN B..MB or not...

I wouldn't be surprised if Steve agreed since the laws are soooo ridiculous...

I will definatley ask Steve about it. I do want to talk to him but I want to be sure its the right thing to do..

To be honest though I really don't think anything I say will make any difference at this point. I have said so many things to him over all of these months and nothing has made a difference so why would it now?

He is so determined to do this....

He really believes this is what he wants .....

He really believes the OW is who he loves and wants to be with.....

I have nothing that can change his mind......

{{{{Hurting}}}}

If you do speak to your WH, it will allow you to look into his eyes and tell him that you still love your H that you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the love is still there. Make him look in your eyes. See the love that you still have for him. Make him face that so he can see for one last time that he is making a huge mistake. Look at him caringly and speak words of warmth, love and strength.

Kim

Kim,

I want to do that so bad but I know I would just break down in front of him again.

I really would not know what to say. Except for the fact that I love him and this is not what I want.

He knows I don't want this , he knows I love him but he obviously does not care.

I don't even know if he would talk to me at this point. He may not would even speak to me I don't know.

Let me tell you why he says this .... WH is looking for his identity in a reflection. This is known as 'reflected sense of self' .... and it is the root of most affairs.

WH does not "love" OW beyond how he sees himself reflected through her. When OW reflects WH's identity as something other than the positive fantasy identity she's currently doing (and she will, it happends in EVERY romantic relationship once the courting phase has ended) ... WH will not "love her" once she changes her position .... she is currently LOCKED IN a position of reflecting his identity .... but it never lasts .... not in any romantic relationship.

Let me explain it like this .... if YOU depend on ME to tell you who you are, what happends to your self identity if I make a move? You panic and sense you are losing yourself .... and you try to prevent me from movement (growth) ... you try and force me to remain a reflection of you that you like ..

The type of "love" OW and WH have is emotional fusion. It requires surrender of individual freedoms and responsibilities. But it's not love FOR OW as a person, it is "love" for OW's reflection of HIM ....

understand?

and it is not something you ought to envy

It's a very nervous and exceedingly needy sort of attachment. A life-line to WH's sense of self .... and that is too much pressure to put on any relationship.

Remember the thread about Renters Buyers and Freeloaders? Remember, sacrifice in a romantic relationship is BAD .... and affairs are dripping with lopsided sacrifices .... a cesspool of neurotic neediness.

Try and focus on your own healing at this point.

WH will come to realize he does not like himself any better with this OW ... and he may come to his senses, or he may cheat on OW with OW2.

it's out of your control.

And

it is sad .... their love is desperate and sad and flawed ... because it is held together by neurotic glue

Pep, that is one of the wisest things I have ever read! Hurtin' I hope you read that carefully because it is true. As a FWS I can tell you that once I "defogged" I did not like OM very much and I know I never "loved" him. It was just ENs he was meeting and the relection of how "lovely" I was in his foggy eyes.