I am so afraid of this outta sight outta mind thing

Hey Hurting gal - You and I are on the same wavelength with that concern. But our WH's both got a Plan B letter. They know our feelings and they know what they need to do. I'm trying not to keep thinking about that as well - that the longer they are away from us the easier it gets. I know how you feel about wanting to send another note or message. Shoot, did you see my 2nd Plan B letter that I posted the other day??

ML set me straight on that.

Do you think he knows where you still stand with that? Oh, and I might have missed it, but did you ask SH about having words with WH at the court date?

Kim

Kim,

SH told me if I had to speak to WH to let him know I don't do divorce I only do marriage. But I never had the chance to speak to him.

I truly don't know if he knows where I stand anymore because he thinks i have a b/f. He talked about it with his sister yesterday. So I have to wonder if he thinks i am just out for more money and an ready for this now because of him assuming I have a man in my life. Thats why I think its important he knows I don't have a b/f and I still want our marriage....

I just don't know what to do ......

HURTING..STOP THIS...

It's OK for him to think that you have a BF...Why wouldn't he? He has a GF....

This makes you more valuable in his eyes...

Plus, his concern about this SHOWS THAT HE STILL CARES ABOUT YOU..HE DOESN'T HATE YOU OR HE WOULD NOT CARE...

Hurting, Please try to stop thinking about him for right now...

hurting,
Ask yourself something. Why is WH not home? Is it because of some illusion that you have a BF or is it because he is LIVING WITH OW?

He has the plan B letter, he knows how you feel. Send it again, if you think he forgot about it. Let him see the "way home" as others have said.

But do not go around trying to find some way for him to know that you don't have a BF. You don't want him to think you are at home pining for him and you are miserable. Well, that is what he will think (IMHO) when he hears that YOU are going out of your way to make sure WH knows that so and so ( a friend only) changed the oil.

Are you going to stop getting dressed up now? What if he thinks you have someone because you had make up on when you two happen to drive by each other? Hey it could happen, you live in a small town (I think). Lets look at this rationally. You went to see friendS a couple and one of them (a man) changed your oil. Nothing shady there. Yes, WH does not know that. But again, are you going to stop living, because WH may see you in a dress and make up and think you are meeting up with someone, because why else would you have it?

Sheesh. I just don't see any benefit in letting him know anything. Send the Plan B letter if you like.

This is all just my opinion. Deregard it if you like.....I just had to throw it out there to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Best of luck!

Oh, and good job in court. You did so good! WoW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I am off to work in a few mins. I just wanted to respond to this.

Please explain to me how this makes me more valuable in his eyes?

yes he spoke to his siter about it but he was not pissy about it or mad so thats what makes me think it makes it easier for him to continue this crap because he thinks I don't care anymore and just want money from him...


Of course i am trying to think for him again...... If you could just explain this to me it would be so helpful....

I guess I am just having doubts again about all of this....

I gotta get back to my safe place..... and fast before i go crazy ..... See just seeing him yesterday turned my world upside down even though no words were spoken....

Daisy,

Your right in everything you just said... No I am not going to stop going places or dressing up and looking good...

Your right he is not here because he has a G/F ..... My mind just gets so mixed up....

I appreciate your opinon I really do ..... See thats what I need is someone to keep me grounded and Mimi and you have done that for me tonight....


Thank you both so much.....

I agree with Daisy.

He's struggling to justify his own behavior.

He can figure out that you do not have a BF and if you did he knows that he can easily get you back....

Me having a BF was a worry of my H's during PLAN B, a worry that motivated him to reconcile.."I couldn't get it out of my mind.. even if I tried...you with another man..." You see, Hurting?

When he's THINKING RIGHT, this would motivate him to come back to you...

hurting,

Why do you think that if he was not angry when he said it that he is indifferent to it? Fact is, if he did not care about you he would not come up with that idea in his head to begin with. He would be rational! He would see clearly that he has no information to really think that you have a boyfriend. Look at you. You care about WH and continuosly come up with these thearies about what he is doing (we all do this when in pain), why he is doing it, why he is saying etc. Your hamster wheel is turning like crazy. WHY? Because you care. If you didn't care, you would not analize any of it. Same with him. If he did not care, he would logically see that he has no proof of a BF and move on. He would not care.

I bet he is only saying to SIL to get a confermation out of her, one way or the other. This is just as likely an explanation as the one you came up with.

All the best to you hurting.
Take care of yourself.

Daisy

Daisy,

Thank you , after reading that and what Mimi wrote I see you both make a lot of sense. I just get so scared and my mind starts thinking stupid things.

The longer this mess goes on the more worried I get it may never end and I will never get over it.

I know I will be fine in time. Its just taking so long. I just want the hurt to stop thats all. I want the missing of him to stop. I wish I had never seen him yesterday it just makes all the feelings come back. I mean I won't even look at pictures of him because it brings all the hurt back and the missing...... I feel like such a baby sometimes its just stupid that seeing him makes me feel this way.

When I saw him yesterday I just wanted to put my arms around him so bad and say I love you and miss you.... But instead I did the right thing I held my head up high and walked on by. It was hard but I did it..... I just miss my husband ......

I guarantee you that seeing you affected him, too!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

YOu can explain that to him in a short note with his mail. That when you saw him you wanted to hug him. That you needed time to get used to the idea of hte D, and you were still holding hope that the M can be saved. Explain that you love him and have more love left to work on recovery.


I would also remove any reference to WH's lawyer perhaps dragging his feet on your posting...it may be used against him...

Hi Hurting,

What would you be thinking/feeling/doing had your SIL not told you about her exchange with your WS?

For me PLAN B means NC with WS (including info. about WS because it boils down to the same as contact)!

For me a WS is in a state of chaos and turmoil.... can't think clearly....

I am very visual and I see a WS like someone no longer having clear directions... you're in the car with WS driving and WS is going left, no right, no straight.... and with an OW, we are in the ditch with WS because he is totally drunk!

as a BS in PLAN B I see myself saying.... let me out...don't like this ride (or... taking the keys away or taking the wheel or kicking WS out of the car)...and take charge... (personal recovery)

....I will get back in the car (or will give you the keys, let you take the wheel or back in the car) when WS ready to drive or be sober enough to look at a map with BS and see where we want to go together (plan of recovery of M) ...

By hearing about what a WS says, does.... you are still in the car with him (or...WS still has keys, has the wheel, is in the car)... and is going in the ditch over and over again!

I have seem myself doing it.... whenever inadvertently I hear about WS (even hearing his voice from our weekly 'transfer' message re boys).... you can bet I will be 'wasting' some valuable time..... each time it happens.... I try to get better at 'reducing' the amount of time...

...I try to focus on what I need to do, can do, want to do.....

....one thing you can do..... like you have.... is come and 'talk' to us about it...... it will pass....

...all is pretty normal though..... going to court?.... seeing WS?.... you couldn't really have avoided it... so.... some of this aftermath is unavoidable.....

but not listening to your SIL.... that you can avoid!

Hurting, HANG IN THERE, I think you are doing great.....

HUGS.

Hurting,

Pray that your WH will stop being deceived, and that God will lead him to repentance in Jesus name amen.

Blessings,
Lady

Mimi,

I hope him seeing me affected him to...

Still,

I edited my post and took out the refrences you said. I never thought about that but wanted everyone to know. But its gone now... Thanks for the advice.

Luna,

Your way of painting the picture really worked for me. I don't want to be in the ditch at all. I have already decided I will not listen to anymore from SIL about WH, I just can't handle it. I will be ok, I just have ot get over this bump in the road and I will just like i have all of the others.


Lady,

Thank you for the prayer. From your lips to God's ears.....




Thank you all for the support ...


Hurting

Ok I have decided to give WH a note with his mail....

This is a copy of what I have written. Any one have any comments please freely give them.....

Dear WH,

I have gathered all of the mail for you at your request. There is not much that comes
except for junk mail. I will start putting it all in an envelope and get it to you each week.

I just wanted to tell you that I had prayed things would have never come to this.I will
not lie to you when I say I just am having a hard time coming to terms with a divorce.
When I saw you Wed. at the court house I wanted so much to to hug you and let you know
that I still have hope for us and our marriage. I do still love you very much and always will.
You may not want to hear this but I truly believe we could have a wonderful marriage if
we both would commit to working on it together.

I don't know how you feel and I don't claim to know how you feel but if you have any doubts
at all please reconsider this divorce and just put it on hold for awhile and think about how
things could be. We have a history and children. We were once in love very much and we
could be again, you loved me once very passionalty and I just can't imagine all of those feelings
are gone. You married me because you loved me and wanted a life together, I didn't beg you
or twist your arm in 1981 to make this commitment you did it freely of your own will. I am not
begging you now , I can't make you do anything you don't want to, I just want you to be sure
this is truly what you want. Look deep down inside yourself and be sure WH thats all I ask from
you.

I know it would not be easy and there would be many hard days to overcome but with patience, love
and commitment it could be done. I have enough love for you that I am willing to do the hard work of
restoring our marriage to something better than it ever was. The old marriage is dead but a new
better marriage could emerge from the ashes of the old one. All I ask is you think about this.

Please take care of yourself.

Love,

BS

Ok maybe its to much if so let me know.....

don't send it

it makes YOUR behavior inconsistant with your own Plan B

BUT ~~~> save it .... when your H shows up sniffing around for reconciliation, then give him the letter

let him come to you .... men are hunters ya know!

Pep,

Something tells me he won't come hunting around for anything....

I have saved the letter for sure....

Ok since I should not give him this , could I give him the planb letter again?

I am just so confused right now .....

WHY don't you read Ark's wonderful post about being "still"

no

you are anxious

it's different

Where is Arks post?

I will read it .....