Or... Perhaps he suspects you are the one that turned her in on the housing situation, and he's sending a message so that you won't continue to report them... maybe he's not moving out at all.

Could be Kayla ...... We shall see

Well, WH talked to DD last night and told her he is leaving OW'S. Seems OW has been getting numerous phone calls at work and home calling her names and such. Whether its true or not I have no clue. So DD told me well mom you got your wish. WH told DD he heard one of the calls but could not recognize the voice. Again I have no clue.

Anyhow he told her that he was going to move to San Antonio and leave here. I'm not sure why he would think this but thats what he said.

I told DD I don't think he would move there he has no reason too. I hope he is not serious about it.

I said something to DD I probably shouldn't have but it came out before I realized it. I said So I guess he would rather move away than try and save his marriage.

So who knows what is going to happen....

Good morning Oklahoma-
Have been following your recent events and thinking of you-

I agree that whether WH is moving out due to the housing
situation being investigated, or due to problems with OW, that it is a good thing ! Seems like anything that gets him
out of the "den" is a positive, as it might help him get a
glimpse of reality and how pitiful his living situation has
been ! Also, living in his truck can't be as nice as living
in his real home, with you !!

I think it's very interesting that WH told DD about his
moving- knowing (or maybe hoping) it would get back to you.
Don't know what his purpose would be, but perhaps it could
be another ploy to get some response from you ?

Regardless, I think you'll find out soon enough whether he
really did move or not, and by staying out of it and firmly
to your good Plan B, you won't have been involved in it or
any fireworks between he and OW, or trouble they get into
over the housing situation. (Let them direct all their
frustration and anger at each other, not you !)

I know it's awfully hard to "sit still". I am having a real
tough time with that myself since my WH and I started doing
things and talking more lately, because it makes me anxious
to "get on with" recovery and back to "normal" life ! I
guess I am wanting to take big steps when it's really going
to be more like tiny, baby steps !

When I think about it reasonably, I do know it's not going
to be a quick process. I know it's going to take time for
WH to get used to his new diagnosis with bipolar disorder,
to get adjusted to the medicines, to work issues in IC, and
then he has the legal situation to deal with too...

On the positive side, I have been talking to WH a couple
times per day, and have seen him every day for the past two
weeks. I am trying to take advantage of every opportunity,
in sort of a "Plan A" mode, to be pleasant, upbeat,and show
WH that we can still get along, have fun, make things work.
I'm trying to be very careful not to "love bust", and hope
I am making some big deposits in the bank ! He has also
been wearing his wedding ring (at least around me) the past
couple weeks, opened a new joint bank account for us at his
job, and talked about possibly going on a ski trip together.

On the negative side... he still has some contact with OW.
I don't think he's seen her at all, but I know they do still
talk some on the phone. I am hoping this will fade away and
they will both lose interest, but I am cautious about it
since it could probably "flame up" again too.

Guess there's nothing else for any of us to do except keep
our "cool", sit back, and keep "still". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best to you-
Slammed

again, plan b...stay dark. stay very dark. make wh's pain factor rise...to the limits of pain. that will illicit change...nothing else will. they have to see thru the fog just how much the affair has cost them in their lives.

what is he doing/saying now?

I am putting on my fog goggles and will attempt at a translation.

WS to dd: "I am running away from this stuff. yea, I caused it all. I left my family. I left my wife. My home..my kids..everything. and I moved in with this woman who reminded me some of my wife, but in other ways different and I wanted to be treated like somebody new for a while and I wanted to see somebody new also for a while. It's gone south. she's now pushing me for a committment...wants ME to get married? well I am already married and can't get out of that for a few more months. so she got MAD AND PISSY B/C THE JUDGE DID NOT MAKE ME A FREE MAN THIS WEEK...and she tossed me out...and lied some more about saying some people are calling her and saying bad names. so I am running away from the truth, my family, and my problems and want to live with my head up my butt for a while. maybe eat a little more cake on the road, but TWIST AND USE MY PAIN TO MAKE THEM FEEL SORRY FOR ME...will they? geez. I don't know.

my bw sure looked hot in court though."

that is what the wayward idiot is thinking and saying today. I could be wrong...I don't speak fogese as good as I used to...since I have less contact with darth these last 2 years, it's sometimes harder 4 me to translate.

side note to slammed..

If your wh will not agree to nc with the ow...then you will always have a ws. never a H.

got it?

also, a sort of plan A? the man is back home and there is no NC agreement in place?

what's your plan again sweetie?

time to regroup and rethink this I think

1-13-06
Hurting, I believe God is answering our prayers. Continue to believe and not doubt. It was prophesied in church last night that God is healing marriages. It's true, mine is one of them.

Lady

Peachy- love your translation and bet it's "right on the
money".

I totally agree that WH needs NC with OW and have been
trying to push him towards that, although somewhat "gently"
since he has so much going on with him right now (still
pending legal situation from DUI at Christmas, diagnosis
two weeks ago with bipolar disorder and new meds, him just
starting treatment by psychiatrist and now in IC, etc.)

Although his IC is for his issues, and not marriage issues
right now, his IC is a family/marriage therapist also and
she is having me come to his appointments as well. She does
seem to be "pro-marriage" and has told WH that he needs to
work on some of his issues, then can work on creating the
"marriage of our dreams", which sounded very positive.
I have also been going to WH's appts with his new psych.
- at WH's request.

WH is not back at home. He did come stay at our house for
4 nights starting Dec 31, when he was in a very poor mental
state, but since then has been back at his rented room.
He knows I love him and have been trying to support him and
I've told him I'm willing and would like to continue to do
so, but we can't have a "fresh start" until OW is totally
out of the picture.
I think he is another (like some of the WH's here) who feel like they have to "gradually" ease out of the A, rather than have a clean break, and doesn't want to "be mean" to OW - yuck !!

Do you think that the elements of Plan A (showing how nice
things can be, reminder of fun times, getting along, etc.)
are good in this situation ? We have been doing things
together (almost like dating) and I hoped this would help
him to finally get off "the fence" as far as still talking
to OW and firmly back into our M. I was afraid to give him
a real ultimatum or cut him off (Plan B) with all that was
going on with him, as I know he needs support and help, and
if not with me, I feel sure he'd be back "full speed" with
OW.

Thoughts ?
Thanks !
Slammed

Peachy,

Good translation. I hope he gets his head out of his butt soon... I want so badly to talk to him but I won't, I am staying dark.... Your right his pain has to become unbearable for him to make a change.


Lady,

I also believe all the prayers that have been said are playing a big part in this. I will continue to pray for him and our family. I have to keep myself from trying to save him now.... I want to so bad but I know I can't this has to be of his own free will..... Me saving him will not help in the long run thats for sure, he has to learn on his own.

Please keep praying for us.......


Hurting

Talked to my MIL about this today. She said how can he move anywhere he does not have the money....

She is like me though she is just waiting to see if he truly moves out or if this is all talk.

she thinks he may be trying to get a reaction out of me to see what I will say or do. Let me tell you I would love to say something to him but I know it would not be good.....

I just hope and pray he will move out from her and really start to see what has happened with his life. He has lost so much for this affair and I sure would not want to be in his shoes when it all hits him. As much as I love him and don't want to see him hurt, I can't do anything about it and he is going to have to feel the pain of all this mess to make his life right again. Be it with me or alone......

try to relax....

Everthing is right on schedule and going well....

Let this play out, let him hit bottom and really feel it for a bit....you'll know when...

he doesn't know what to do just yet or more importantly HOW to do it, how to make things right....he may need some help with that but NOT YET, not from you anyways!

You are the lighthouse guiding him home, steady, strong, constant and bright.....although you are keeping dark, the message is clear....you love him and hate to see him hurting, but you cannot help him out of this....you wait....

he is following the path of my FWXH almost to a t....but it still took several months for it all to play out....he called 4 days after the D, looking for a place to stay, he had moved out of his apt. suddenly....he pretty much lived out of his car for a while...the A died as expected....he crashed and burned....and then and only then was he ready to face the music...

Hang in there....he'll be back. In the meantime get yourself in the healthiest place you can be....you will need the strength and compassion to see this through once he is home....the hard work begins then!

Shugah,

Thank you for posting to me.. I do believe the end is in sight. Your right it will take some time for it all to come to a head.

The good thing is this divorce it still a few months away , my hope is it dosn't get that far before he ralizes it all.

I do love him and I hate the fact he is going to hurt and hurt bad but its a consquense of what he has done and he has to feel it, just as I have had to feel the pain and hurt of all of this.

t have to remember stay calm and let this play out and not try to help him before the time is right .....

PATIENCE !!!!!! I gotta get some ......


Hurting

This just gets better and better.

WH called our older son in Ind. and told him he was moving from OW'S because he is tired of arguing with her.

He told DD that him and OW will just be friends not dating or any relationship.... So I guess they still plan to have some contact.

He wants to come get some tools he needs for his truck, and he told DD he would call before he came so I would not have to look at him. He told her that I would not look at him in court the other day and ignored him. I told her I didn't talk to him or anything because when I got of the elevator he turned from me so I felt he didn't want to talk to me...

Anyhow he is suppose to come over tomorrow to drop of the CS and SS money. I won't interact with him and anyway he never comes to the door anyhow.... So here is where we are. He still has no desire to speak to me or see me.... I guess its going to take some time before he is ready to even admit he has done wrong.....

I feel things are going in the right direction but just how long who knows....

This is pure silliness, even if it were true, Hurting.

He was filing suit against you -- a divorce suit.

By doing so he made you his unwilling adversary in court.

During most legal actions, it complicates matters if the parties are communicating to each other -- it muddies the waters. The lawyers will tell you that.

What did he expect? A kiss and a hug?

What??? Did I just hear a foghorn???

Hurting, is he to remove anything from the house including tools?


Don't explain anything away to DD. You just should have said nothing to her except something like "oh" or "I understand."

Lady

Hurting: Have been following you, but haven't posted as you've been getting great advice and continue to. However, I have to say you need to be very, very careful with this hogwash about him supposedly moving out and tired of arguing with OW and he's still going to have C but be friends etc. etc. etc.

I know some time ago you said something about reporting her for having another person live in apt because she's in low income apts? Did that ever happen and could this be some backwash from that?

I wouldn't allow him to come over and get tools etc and drop off SS and CS. I'm certain your separation agreement doesn't say he drop the payment off to you at your house directly.

In my not so humble opinion, something doesn't add up here and you're setting yourself up for problems. DARK, QUIET,
STILL etc. etc. All of those other things posters have been advising you of.

Lady,

What he is getting is things for his truck that he needs. He is not removng any power tools or such. He knows he can't do that yet. The things he wants are things he needs for his job. I have no problem him getting them at all. Its less crap for me to deal with.

Maybe your right I should not have explained anything to DD. I guess I just wanted her to know I am not being bitter and I still want to talk to her dad if he can do the right thing.


A.M.

Yes the fog is still deep I suppose. All of this is babble talk I am sure. What bothers me the most is if he is still going to have contact with OW even on the pretext of being friends it will still not lift. I guess in time it will somewhat especially if she finds a new man to conquer....
But then again maybe they are doing this just until the divorce happens who knows. Of course I don't see the point seeing how everyon knows what has happened and in court his affair does not carry much weight except for child custody. And he is not trying for that at all.

He didn't come by tonight to drop of the money so I guess it will be tomorrow.

I guess I am just afraid even if him and OW do break it off he will still go through with this divorce. Nothing I can do though .....

Where are all the tools at?

Remember a ways back I told you that if the Housing Authority confronted him and OW, he would probably just say he doesn't live there, but is OTR all week and lives in his truck? OW could loose her assistance for a long time if he were to be living there without it being reported. He gave a report to the lawyers that he was paying rent there. You might want to get a copy of that and bring it to the Housing Authority.

Lady

and why all of a sudden now is it so important for him to have those tools he's done all this while without. Again, something not adding up here.

I agree, he isn't to remove anything. And I wouldn't let him in the garage, backyard, or anything.