Mimi and Orchid are right on this.

You've got to tough this out.

Now i don't spend much time around these parts anymore, but I have been checking in lots with your sitch because I feel there is so much promise here for your marriage and I realize how on edge all this stuff can keep a BS.

Go about your life....tell your children that you're not sure what's going to happen, despite what their Dad is saying, but that no matter what, you will all be ok and you will all always love WH. And then go about your life.

Easier said than done when WH seems to be self-destructing before your eyes. Oh, he's whirling right now...big time. He can't think straight with all the emotions he's feeling....guilt, withdrawal, fear...big time FEAR! You know how that feels, the FEAR?....but you are stronger than he is right now...and you need to remain that way....let him sort it out....

All of sudden he has NOTHING. No marriage, no home, no OW, no family....the magic carpet has been pulled out from under him and now he's free falling....

Because I was not in Plan B, I was witness to much of my WXH's free falling and it was scary....he was depressed, he was angry, he'd tell me how much he hated me, scream it actually....he would chain smoke and pace, crying one minute, angry the next (he was never a smoker before the A)and talk about "maybe just disappearing".....

This fallout will happen whether you are there or not....so please protect yourself from the chaos....it sounds like his family can keep a pulse check on things and if it gets worrisome they can be there for him....depression can set in...

Your only concern right now is YOU. Keeping your head on straight and formulating that plan that Mimi & Orchid are talking about.

Your situation is not lost...it's at a critical turning point...the real H is battling with the WH and I'm betting on H....

Stay calm and focused....

Mimi and Orchid,

I am ok this morning. I am ready to get back into the fight.

I am not giving up, I won't... Your right his being in the house gave him so relief. Its the first time he has been in the house since Sept. when he stayed the night.

I am ready for a plan..... I want my H home not the WH....

I don't believe a word of what he said yesterday. I don't believe he does not love me , its in there somewhere it has to be....

Yes it hurt to hear what he said but I don't believe it....

Shugah,

Thanks for checking in.... I agree he is falling and lost. He has nothing right now..... His sister will be the one in touch with him more than anyone. I know the fear and its not fun at all .... I can't help but worry about him but I can't save him I know that....

A battle with the demons inide of him must be awful, I can't even imagine what it will be like. I hope the H wins the battle ......

oh and one more thing...

I know that you feel that this is a race against time with the D and the pressure of that can be unbearable.

But try not to think about that....decide for yourself...does that piece of paper really make or break your marriage for you...if the D happens and you're still not sure and WH is still battling with H....is it over for you?

It may help to think about that. For some, most probably, the D is the final turning point, it's over, done, final. But it doesn't have to be. You decide.

For me, it didn't matter. It was sad of course that it came to that and a bit of a complication...but what mattered most was that FWXH picked up the pieces of his life, faced the music and came home to his family and life. It was the right decision for me and my family and we all continue to heal....together.

Shugah,

The divorce means nothing to me. I don't want it but if it happens, I still want my H back.

Like my mom tells me its only a piece of paper... My love for him will not die just because of that. In my heart he will always be my H.

So if it happens that changes nothing for me.... I will still be here for him.... He can still come home.....

Hurting,

Please go DARK.... that means

internally:

....when you catch yourself 'thinking' about your WS... figure out a way not to.... DO things... READ.... ( listen to classical music - no words to avoid 'trigger' lyrics!) anything to get your mind off of WS... 'invent' projects if it is what it will take.... preferably....something pleasant... related to your interests.... (obviously....you know I am talking from experience here... WSs are hard to get out of our minds!)

externally:

....if your MIL, SIL DSs and DD want to 'inform' you about anything about WS....STOP THEM..... politely.....

....focus on what you need to do....AS IF WS were never to be back... (even though everybody in PLAN B 'hopes' differently)

....it will 'feel' a bit artificial at first doing this.... but as the saying goes..... start by putting 'one foot in front of the other' and don't worry about how it feels.... just DO IT!

....WSs have been\are a major source contributing to much pain and suffering experienced by BS.... no need for BS to add to it...by giving WS unnecessary additional 'thought' energy.... that is just a waste of time....

.....as far your WS is concerned....you will be open to one thing and one thing ONLY: the day that your WS is ready to inform you that he has ended A and is ready for NC with OW, and wants to work on M....that's it!

...because you have enough to do in learning how to live a life on your 'own'....taking care of you and your other 'loved ones' - family and friends....

Speaking for BS in PLAN B.....

The way I see it, WSs say they don't want us in their lives... (or...on their terms... sharing them with OW....YUKES!) If so... we choose to have nothing to do with them at all (except for the necessary)... or...because we do still love them.... be hurt each time.... and lose what love we have for them..... which we CHOOSE not to (and actually want to PROTECT it from disappearing)

....while WS figures out if it's what they really want, reality check and all!

....I am just sorry that you had to experience this additional pain... what you have to show for it is that you can now say that your WS knows clearly where you stand.....no doubts.....

the ball is in his court..... he needs to show at least a 'sign' that he WANTS to play, too......can't do this for him...Hurting....

...for sure, you don't want in your life the person you saw this weekend! WS...YUKES! ....need to be kept as far away from BS as possible.... having been the S.... a WS knows ALL of the BS's weaknesses....which they can now use AGAINST us (read: manipulate).....

so...you can feel either powerlessness by focusing on WS and/or by allowins WS in our lives, to be manipulated

.... or powerful by focusing on things that you CAN and\or NEED TO DO!

....just remember....by saying these things to you.... I am actually 'talking' to myself as well, too.....

It's hard work....but you can do it, Hurting.

...and as the song goes... 'che sera, sera'....what will be will be....

HUGS.

Luna,

Your right he knows where I stand and thats it.

I am doing just fine today. Back in planb with no desires to hear anything about him or OW.

Life goes on and I will be just fine.....

Thanks for your words, I appreciate them very much.....

LUNA:

I LOVED YOUR POST!!!

KA-CHING...YOU'VE GOT IT!!!

Great post, Luna. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thinking of you, Hurting.

Hugs.

Alph.

Good morning Hurting-
Thanks for your words of encouragement- I definitely went
from an "up" and hopeful mood to a more down and discouraged
feeling over the weekend, and it's just so frustrating.

Can't think that WH can go any more "rock bottom" than he's
already been, so if that isn't going to bring him out of the
fog, I don't know what will....

Just can't for the life of me imagine what the "lure" of the
OW is and it drives me nuts. Having seen her twice now, I
certainly don't think she's that great looking, isn't some
big, successful businesswoman, isn't wealthy, and appears to
be very "needy", manipulative, and controlling- so just don't get the attraction !

Ever since the "turn of events" with WH and our starting to
talk and do things together, I've felt more hopeful. I've
not, though, thought it necessarily meant things were going
to work out, or that everything was "fine", because Ive
known WH was still having contact with OW, and that his mood
is still pretty "change-able". I do feel like I may have
thought things were going to change more quickly, and that
I may have acted like things were going back to "normal"
and perhaps this has scared WH off some ? What I have
wanted to do was use each time together as an opportunity
to show WH that we can still get along, have fun together,
have things in common, etc. so he would feel willing to
work on things. Does this seem logical, or am I not
thinking very clearly ?

I guess I'll continue to take it "day by day" (not that I
have much choice), keep my guard up, and see how things go.
I do look forward to my IC this week, to see what thoughts
she might have too. WH's IC is Thurs. His has been going
well, however, he's there for his "issues", and not to work
on the M right now.
Keep your chin up-
Slammed

Slammed,

My chin is up my head is held high.... I am back on the horse so to speak.

Moving forward and upward. WH is crashing and spinning outta control.....

Time for him to face his demons and get right with himself and god. I hope he has the strength and courage to do it. If he dosn't he will be living a very sad life.

When/if he is ready I will be here to help him up, but until then I can only worry about me and our children. I love my H but not the man he is today.... Maybe someday he will be the man he used to be or maybe even a better man. I hope for his sake it does not take him to long......

You know seeing and hearing what I saw yesterday in a way really helped me. I saw something I never thought I would. I saw a man who is lost and fighting everything good in him. I saw the WS who has no feelings for anyone but himself. Someone with a very cold hard heart. I don't want to be around that man, I don't want to see or speak to him again. I don't miss the person I saw yesterday, he is not and never will be my H. So the battle continues between the WH and H .... Guess in time I will know which one is stronger.... I pray for the H to be the strongest....

hurting - I too saw the dead eyes in WH. It is an awful sight isn't it. My H always had the most beautiful expressive eyes. When he was the WH they became dead. I hated that could not look him in they eyes. Now his eyes have come back to life again. It took almost a year. They would clear from time to time. I always loved his eyes.

I agree with realtor Hurting. Remember I told you my H had that same look in his eyes. It flabberghasted me to see that change in his eyes. The sin of adultery causes a deep darkness, a deadness, a coldness to set in within a person, and it shows through the eyes. Thats what you are seeing with your WH. I really hope you will see the light and love one day shining through him. We pray he will be lead to repentance Hurting, and be delivered and freed from the sin that has so entangled him.

With Love and Blessing,

Lady

Realtor,

Yes it is an awful sight. I always looked in my H's eyes they always showed so much life and love. Now they show nothing....

I hope someday to look in those eyes again and see life and hope.... I want to see the sparkle back....

When the day comes I can see those things I will know he is on the right road to happiness and life.

The eyes are windows to the soul for sure and for now my WH'S soul is lost to him and god.

I am praying for the return of his soul and his life to turn around......

Thank you Lady I pray for that day to.......

Hi Hurting,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
You know seeing and hearing what I saw yesterday in a way really helped me...I saw the WS who has no feelings for anyone but himself. Someone with a very cold hard heart. I don't want to be around that man, I don't want to see or speak to him again. I don't miss the person I saw yesterday, he is not and never will be my H.
-----------------------------------------------------------

.....maybe it's what you needed to see....to stay on track for good.....

....it took me seeing WH ONE TIME ONLY in the true light of what he had become....and realize this was not the man I had married..... it hurt sooooo bad.... it has kept me on track for months.....

.....as I told you..... unless you know that it's your H coming knocking at your door..... you can be sure that nothing good will come out of talking to or seeing WS..... NOTHING!

.....now that you are back on the horse.... let's go riding!

Luna,

I have to say yesterday seeing what I saw is really the first time I saw the coldness in him.

During all of this time I saw the WH I know but it was never coldness and heartless like it was yesterday.

All of the other times there was still something there a little of the H always showed through. He would still say he loved me and was confused and hopes for us.

But yesterday was totally different, there was no hope in him at all. No glimmer of love or caring at all. This big change in less than a month after our contact at court. Even that time i could see something in his eyes but this time nothing.

In just one months time he became very cold and heartless. Maybe its guilt or just the fact his life is falling apart and he is trying to portray he is in control of himself...

I don't know which it is but its a definate change in him and it was scary..... I don't ever want to see that again. I am praying by the time this mediation thing is set up some of this is gone because I am not sure if I could handle being in the same room with this person for hours...

Yes, lets go riding along the beach with the waves crashing in around us and the wind blowing in our hair..... Oh what freedom that would be .........

This weekend was the first time the light stayed on in my H eyes for about a full week now. It is a delight to see. It is also a little scary - I fear ever seeing those dead eyes. Yesterday for the first time in a long time over 3 yrs. I saw something I had forgotten (sad to say) compassion for me! I was not feeling well, sinus infec, and ear infec since last week. He made me chicken soup. I was going to make it and he asked why I had chicken defrsting in sink. I told him -next thing I know he is making it. I was ready to take over. He has never made it before. I had to get onions out of frig ect. So I thought he wanted me to make it. He said I'm making it -kinda of frustrated. I backed right off. Said Oh ok. He made it and cleaned up -it is delicous. I told him it was so nice of him and how wonderful it was. So good that what is for dinner tonight. I bragged and told everyone. OS said WOW MOM -sounds like the old Dad. He went to store and bought me a magazine and a computer game that I love. We worked on that together. He has called me a few times today. I hope I do not loose ground now. I have had to help him with his crossword puzzle as he called ME for help. I pray this happens to you. Now listen I have had 3 NC broken. I was done at X-Mas. I had pulled away emotionally -did not care felt nothing. This is so surprising to me. I shall pray for you. All I am saying sometimes it is safer to guard your heart and don't let some things said disturb you. They fog is still heavy -it is too soon. It took mine over a year to come home. Please seek patientce.

thank you realtor

i needed to hear this today....when i'm searching for reasons to hope

realtor,

Patience is one thing I have learned from this.....

Yup I want if fixed and want it now but I know that won't happen.

My patience was always something i was short on but I am getting better at it....

I am giving him time to do what he feels he needs to do... I am staying my course and not giving up hope.....

Thanks for the support it means so much to me.....

Well today has been a good day..... No obsessing or crying happening here....

One thig strange though WH has called no one not even DD whom he calls at least once a day.....

Maybe he is planb'ing all of us now lol