The way Oklahoma/your county does mediation is crazy. My goodness, if you could have come to an agreement among yourselves, then why would you be getting divorced? I guess it's just a process that you have to endure.

You know Hurting, divorce in theory is horrible but when it smacks you in the face that something that has defined you for over two decades is no longer, it does make one pause and think. But when the alternative gets to the point that the shock of change is a better route, you'll know it's time. As we say here in the south, you can't rake leaves in the desert.

Lem,

You are so right. I shouldn't worry about what he may think or do with the changes I am making in myself.

I guess maybe just knowing that he realizes what a fool he has been would make me feel better. Pretty pathetic isn't it? I need to realize I may never know what he is really thinking or feeling because he may never tell.

I often wonder why do I even want to love this person who has caused me so much pain, can I ever forgive him for it? Right now I just don't know. I want to be able to either way this goes just so I can say I have no hard feelings and have no regrets for my actions or words.

I am ready for a peaceful life without all this drama and this affair hanging over my head. Its time for all of this end. I have to let it go and move ahead , I am ready to do that. I don't want the divorce but I am not going to fight it anymore. If in time he wants to have a relationship of some kind even if its just for co-parenting our children I will consider it. For now though I am just putting my feelings for him in a box and locking it away somewhere.

I have the opportunity for a new job with better hours, money and benifits and I am hoping like heck I get it. It will take a lot of stress off me. I am considering going to school in the spring if I get this job then I can afford to pay for it. So life is shaping up here for me anyhow.

I never thought I would be able to do the things i have without him but I found out I can do it and be fine. Yup, I miss him and still love him but I can be fine without him.

I am doing things for myself and making new friends. I don't keep in touch with a lot of "our" friends anymore because its always about him and our situation. I don't want to talk about that all the time with them, I don't want to hear about how they feel sorry for me... A few months ago that was nice to hear but now its like don't feel sorry for me, tell me how good i am doing and how proud you are I am making it.

As they say the sweetest revenge is a life well lived and i am getting there. I have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of ..... I'm getting it slowly but surely....

Hurting

It's not pathetic if you are actively working against this type of thinking. It is not unusual for one to want some satisfaction of saying "I told you so".....especially given all of th eincredibly horrible things that have happened to you.....BUT (you knew there was a "but")....I think personally you still use your WH's feelings and actions and words as a barometer of your personal success. I understand...but I still think that is an error. I sense you agree, and are trying to change this.

That's not pathetic at all. It's called struggling and it's life.

It is a sincere pleasure to witness your recovery and strength as you rise from the ashes of all of this horrendous $hit life has thrown you and try and make a better life for yourself and your children...WITH or WITHOUT your WH.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,

Your right again , and as you say I am activley trying to change this thinking mode I am in. I have to learn not to let other peoples(WH especially) words , feelings and actions gage my personal sucess. I am getting there though.



Thank you for that.... You may not realize it but so many things you have said to me have helped me more than you will ever know.


Hurting

Sweetheart, I am proud you are making it! How about that!

You will make it and you will be one helluva woman to contend with when this nightmare is through for you. One way or the other you will be through with it!

BKarl,

Thank you... I do know one thing I have learned so much though all of this.

I now understand how to make a relationship work, I know it takes work and hard work to keep a marriage alive. I wish I had know these things years ago.

I know what to look for so I will never be blindsided by something like this again. I have learned so much about myself and how strong i really am and I can be alone and be happy. I have to have my own identity , not my identity being a marriage or someones wife. Don't get me wrong I love being married and being a wife, but I know now thats not all I am.

From all of this pain came some great learning experiences on how to be a better partner and have a good realtionship. So it all was not in vain. I have learned so much and I know in the future any realtionship I have will be better. These are tools that will take me far in life. A lot of people will never learn these tools and any realtionship they have will be doomed to the same thing they ran from. For them I feel sorry.



Hurting

Hurting, we all learn from each other here. At least, I do. We came to this mess. board looking for one thing, and found alot more. Perhaps the very thing we were looking for was there all the time. And daily, in reading and interacting with those here, we learn so much more.

We get stronger. We learn. We grow. We look at things just a little bit different.

Hurting, you have been doing that. You have grown so much. I can see it, and everyone else can too. You have shown nothing but strength and class through the worst of times. Be proud of you.

Next time you look at yourself with that new do in the mirror, smile bigger !!!!

It is ALL about you. And you look MAR ve lous. My best Billy Crystal imitation.

best regards - car

No truer words were ever spoken....

Hurting

Thanks hurting. But don't give me too much credit. Just go over on my new thread and read how I can not take my own advise !!!

Why oh why is it so easy to give advice to others when you know it is in their very best interest. When you yourself can not follow those same exact words.

I am begging for answers and the truth from my Wh. And, of course only I can change me. Only I can make me feel good. Why can I tell you that and mean it with all my heart and go and rant and rave about my WH and how I am falling apart !!!

Same thing with my kids. Granted they are grown and only need me for mom things. That I can give. And good advise when asked. But as far as the mess I have allowed to happen over here in my part of Texas !!! Do I only blame me ??

Well, I guess I was right in that I do learn from you and the others here. I hope others learn from me ---- not WHAT to do !!!!

I think you are terrific.. I would do anything for you.

Carnation

Carnation,

I had to leave for work and didn't see your post until now.

I think your advice is very good. I am the same way though I see myself giving other advice and support and say now why can't I follow it myself.

I guess its always easier to see someone else's situation than our own. lets face we are to close to our problems to really heed the advice we give others. We try to make our problems unique when really they arn't.

I think you are terrific myself and we have so much in common with the OTR thing and know what that life is like. Maybe one of these days we can get together and just talk. Your not that far away from me. Whats a couple of hours drive.

Take care and I hope you and WH can work through this. I know it s gotta be hard.

Hurting

praying for that new job...you've got guts girl and I love ya.

and cool about the new hair.

celebrate yourself and go and buy a cool novel today! to distract yourself when you stop and your mind wanders to wh...you're in plan B hon.

I love dan browns' books. cool faraway places. intrigue. nice touches of romance. murders and lots of mystery.

most of them are in paperback now. you can even almost toss it into a purse or a tote for work.

now go and have a good weekend.

I am on call. bleech.

Good Morning Hurting -

I am so proud of you and how much you have learned and grown as a person through all of this. For some reason, we are dealt this card to deal with and it is a huge test of us a person to see how we will come through it. Taking a painful situation and turning into a learning and growing experience is not an easy thing.

Way to go! Hugs to you - We all still have so much to learn!!

Kim

Thanks guys. You all have helped me grow into this person and supported me through all of this. Even though its not over and I know more support will be needed I know I won't ever be back where I was months ago.

WH just left here from picking up DD and is going to the bowling alley to get DS. I am so glad he is spending the afternoon with them. It's the first time since Christmas Eve. Maybe the guilt of not seeing the kids has kicked in for him. I just wish the guilt from all of it would kick in. But I am happy the kids are seeing him, if nothing else he needs to be a father to them.

I am getting dressed to go out for a little bit. Maybe go to the mall and look around. Hope you all have a great weekend.


Hurting

just posted this to a friend on dating/divorced board...

CHANGE IS PAINFUL.

sure is.

but you feel better after it's done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What an afternoon... I was at my MIL'S dying her hair and guess who shows up ????

Did ya guess yet???? Yup WH himself... I was in the middle of dying her hair so no place to run to....

He comes in with DD and can barely look at me. So I continue doing the dye job and he asks me have I talked to the nediator yet? I said no they have not called me back. He then says have you thought about what I said to you 2 sundays ago? I said and what would that be I seem to have forgotten. He said about the aimony and such? I said nope have not really thought of it. He said well you are never getting me back so you need to change your mind on all of this.

I told him my stance has not changed at all. He said what is your stance, I said you know what it is and I don't care to repeat it. He then told me what the mediator will ask me blah blah...... I said fine.

That pretty much was all said because I finished MIL'S hair and left to come home. As I was leaving he did to said he needed to go home and go to bed. I asked DD why did he come in while he knew I was there? She said because he wanted to talk to me.

So he still wants me to agree to the divorce and no alimony. It ain't happening ..... He is not going to get out that easy, he wants this he is going to have to earn his way out... I am not rolling over for him anymore.

I tried to make eye contact with him and he couldn't even do it. He can't look at me for more than few seconds at a time. I was nice and cheerful. Even talked mentioned something about when our first son was born and his red hair. Actually was MIL and I talking about it, he had no comments. So this whole thing lasted maybe 5 mins. top. At least I still had my hair done and makeup on and looked pretty good from my little outing this morning.

At least he kept his cool and didn't get irrate and holler at anyone.

So another weekend of WH'S fogged brain trying to gain control again......

Hi Hurtinginokla

I don't think I have posted on your thread before but have been reading for sometime. Just wanted to say I can't believe your WH is even contemplating trying to get away with paying no alimony, just goes to show you that he is still trying to totally avoid the consequences of his actions and thinks that he can manipulate you to get what suits him, without any thoughts about the affects on his family. Stick to your guns and get what you deserve.

I have also enjoyed reading your posts and witnessing your growth, you have had to deal with some pretty $hitty stuff from your WH. Your life is coming together and you are growing stronger each day, this is very evident in your posts.

I wish you the very best, you deserve it.

NZgirl,

Thanks so much. I am going after all I deserve. He is not going to manipulate me anymore.

As much as I would love to save my marriage, its far from happening so in the meantime I am going to do all I can to protect myself and the children.

He is still very foggy brained for sure, and I now know he will be until either the OW is gone or reality really sets in and causes him some pain.

Hurting

I'm not likeing tonight very much. Both kids are gone, one to grandma's and the other to her b/fs.

Alone with my thoughts is not a good thing. I guess just seeing WH today made me very sad.

MIL says I handled it real well though. I was upbeat and didn't let him get to me and didn't give him what he wanted.

She said after I left he sat watching me leave. Then he started talking about things here at home, the dogs , his yard and different things. she said BS he misses it all but won't admit it.

Ok I just gotta get out of pity party mode now.... Dang I hate when this happens, first tears I have shed in weeks. Gotta get a grip on myself here......

Maybe I'll go to Starbucks and get a frapacinno that will make me feel better.....

{{{Hurting}}}

man, your WH had to go and mess up perfectly good day for you. Just know that you will feel better and the tears and sadness you are feeling right now are temporary. Let the tears roll, then pick yourself up and treat yourself to that Frap! I know it does suck to have the sadness roll back in. The peace is so nice while it is here. It will come back for you, you know that by now.

Hugs to you Hurting. Put you on some music and do a crazy dance!!

Kim

Kim,

Well I w ent and got my MIL and we went to Starbucks and I got my frap and her coffee and a cinnamon roll. We sat there and talked it was very nice.

I am feeling a little better now. Just needed to get away from the house and my memories and thoughts.

Oh something funny was said about me today though. WH told DD that I was losing to much weight and becoming anorexic(sp?).. I don't see where he is getting that from. Heck I wear a size 12 sometimes a 10 depends. Of course when he left I was a size 18/20 lol... Guess it bothers him I am looking good now.... To bad so sad for him.... I'm looking better than the bimbo for sure....

Ok I'm back on the horse now... Tears are over and so is the pity party. At least this one was short only a few hours compared to days on end....

Thanks for the support Kim....


Hurting