If D does happen, there will be an army of people here to support you through it. Take care of yourself and your children - they are your treasure. Truly, his loss. TT

Thank you TT... I know the support from here will be something I can lean on.

This place has been a godsend to me. Without all of the wonderful people here I don't know were I would be right now.

Hurting

(( Hurting ))

You know how sorry I am that you are going through this.

I am here for you. And... a divorce does not necessarily mean anything is over.... their a will come to an end. The main thing is WILL your WH ever be able to admit that he made a mistake and come home. We know that is really, really what he wants to do...but his dang pride is standing in the way.

Honey, you have done everything right to save your marriage. It is in God's hands now. And through Him all things are possible !!!

My very best to you, car

Carnation,

How many tims can I say thank you to everyone for being here before it becomes redundant? But it comes from the heart and I truly mean it.

His PRIDE ..... Yup I would say thats one of his biggest problems always has been..... He has always had a hard time admitting any wrong doing and probably always will. He will probably live in misery before admitting anything.

Your right it's in Gods hands and God is going to have to be the one to remove his pridefulness from him. I can't do it thats for sure.....

So I have roughly 3 weeks to get it together so I can make it through this mediation without being emotional and looking a fool. Don't know how I am going to accomplish this but I am sure gonna try my best....


Hurting

You know this A has been going on since June, maybe late May if I think back on it. It's been 9 months now. Every once in awhile a few cracks have happened. But they always manage to patch the cracks back up.

So something I have wondered about is if this D goes through is will this make the OW feel less insecure? I mean lets face it this man will have given up his life and family for her. Or will this make her and him feel they are right for each other? Will they work harder to keep this alive?

I pretty much have decided when I go to mediation I don't plan on saying much. I have not changed my mind about anything money wise or custody wise. So I don't see the point in dragging out mediation for hours on end. I plan on just stating what I want and thats it. He wants to argue he will be arguing by himself. Not sure if this is how to handle it but thats my plan.

I wish I could afford to talk to SH again but I just don't have the funds.

Maybe someone who has been through mediation can give me some advice on this. I need all the help I can get...


Hurting

Hello Hurting-
Haven't been posting much as I've been too busy at work to
get online, and don't have a computer to use at home right
now, but have been following you each time I've had a chance
and am always impressed with your strength, dignity and
perserverance in handling things so well !
Congrats on the new job too !

Here, WH is continuing to adjust to his new meds for Bipolar
disorder, and is doing well with his weekly therapy.
I feel like we are making some progress, although it is very
slow and in teeny, tiny, baby steps, which is hard and takes
lots of patience. My IC reminds me that it is best to take
it slow and careful and not try to move or expect too much
too soon, but it's still tough.

OW has not been letting go easily. Last week she called our
house numerous times apparently trying to "bait" me to talk
to her, talked a bunch of "trash" to me when I accidentally
picked up on a call, and left messages. This week, she
mailed a package to me containing all my WH's cards and
letters to her (complete with highlighting), as well as
photos of the two of them- YUCK !
Didn't really upset me since I already knew all about it,
but the fact that it arrived on our anniversary didn't make
me feel very good either ! The only positive was that I
felt I handled it well in telling WH and not reacting, since
I assume that was her whole motive in doing it -
(more details on my new thread)

I haven't been through mediation, but your plan to "stick
to your guns" as far as what you want sounds smart, and
I'd think your lawyer could also give suggestions as well.
Do you know if you have to see WH in this process ?
Best wishes- Slammed

I'm not sure what you are asking here, Hurting...

Didn't SH recommend for you to not agree to anything..say you have to give "some thought" to what your WH and lawyer request from you... Seems like that should be your goal during mediation...

Mimi,

Yes SH told me not to agree to anything and thats my plan.

Here is how it works. We got to mediation we don't come to an agreement. The mediation people send a letter to the judge advising him of this. The judge then sets a court date and he makes all of the decions on the things we don't agree on. Which in this case will be alimony and WH'S 401K. Then from what I understand after he makes the descions he then will sign the divorce decree.

Even if I stand there and say I don't want the divorce to the judge it will make no difference all they need is one person in the marriage to say its over.

Thats how easy it is. What I say or feel makes not one bit of difference as long as he wants this.



I guess what I am really asking here is, Will she now think she has won? I guess in a way she will. I will be divorced and she will have my H.

The divorce laws are just way to easy. I can't do a damn thing about it......

edited to add: yes we have to see each other during mediation, we will be in the same room with the mediator...

Hurting

Um... don't even go there... you are not going to look like a fool. You haven't yet, and won't then.

Hurting, you know that if you want me to come and hold your hand... I am there for you.

car

did the judge limit you to one mediation session?

i know that each case is different, but my friend had 3 sessions before they agreed on everything.

I don't know about the mediation thing Eav. I seriously doubt he would make us have another one though.

It's a wait and see thing...

Carnation,

I know you would and i appreciate that. I think I will be ok. But if something changes I will let you know....

(((Hurting)))

The ONLY thing she will "win", is the man your H has NOW become. Not a prize, if you ask me! At least you got the better years out of him! She'll NEVER have what you did!

Take care, and keep your head up! You ARE the better person in all of this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer,

Thank you..... Your right she can never have or give him what I have. And to be honest the man he is now is not a prize thats for sure.

Hurting

Hang in there, Hurting. It seems like a hopeless situation to you, I'm sure. But we have seen a lot of situations much worse than yours turn around. And for some stubborn WS's, it has taken right up until the day before the divorce is final. So continue your MB plan, and don't agree to the divorce.

And don't spend a lot of time worrying about them getting married. They rarely do.

I know you are hurting, hurting, but I agree with jennifer. OW is not winning much of anything right now. I often wonder what OW sees in my WH. The first thing they knew about each other was that they were both liers and cheaters, doesn't that sound romantic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

hurting....

Wow, it is hard to believe how quickly the D can be done with. I don't look forward to that process myself. In my case there are no kids, and we were married a very short time, but it is still posible that there will be some question of alimony. In my case, it would be me paying. I don't really want to believe that H would ask, but my friend is convinced he will. I guess what bothers me about it is not the money per say, but the fact that he left me to get a better life, yet would want me to pay for it. I did in the summer and now I find out he was dating. So, great to know that I was paying for his dates. Anyway, if I have to I'll be happy to write that check every month, because then I'll know that I really got lucky to get that individual out of my life.


You know, OW is not getting a prize, like Jennifer said. Hurting, you are a wonderful woman, that is clear to me. You are here fighting for a man that honestly does not deserve that right now. And you are fighting for your family. You are the prize, and your WH is loosing big. He does not get it. I just don't understand why these WS cannot see that there is potential for change, that the BS is capable of changing and being there. And at the end of the day, we did not betray anyone. Yes, the M was not happy and so an envirement was created where an A was possible, but this was not one person's doing. Both are responsible. And, as in your case, you were also not in a happy M, and yet you did not betray him. He betrayed you. So, you are a good woman hurting....remember that.

Daisy

Believer,

The eternal optimist, I sure am glad your on my side.... I know things could still change but the odds are about a million to one right now. But I keep praying......

Jean,

I know I have thought the same thing. They both have lied and cheated and are both to stupid to even see it. The trust level has got to be almost nothing I would think. I know my trust level right now is nil. I guess they see it as romantic because he was willing to give up everything for his "soulmate" , how sick is that?

Oh well what goes around comes around.... In time they both will pay for their lies in some way or another.....

Daisy,

Thank you, I have tried my hardest to save this. I will never have any regrets thats for sure. I regret how things happened that caused all of this to happen. But nothing I can do about it now. I have learned so much about meeting needs and communication that I know in the future I can have a good relationship. But I am so far away from even wanting a relationship with anyone.... Maybe someday ...


Hurting

Hurting - No, the odds are pretty good. A lot of WS's practice brinkmanship. They don't "get it" until it's almost too late.

Only about 20% of men marry the affair partner. So there is still hope, even if you get divorced.

Believer,

I know there will always be hope as long as neither one of us marry. And I know for a fact it won't be me anytime soon if ever.....

I pray he does not marry her but first she has to get divorced and as far as I know nothing has happened in that respect at all. Unless her husband has filed in Texas where he lives.

I just hate the thought this could happen then he would want to come back after all of the moeny and hurt it caused. I just don't know how I would feel then..... Its a risk he is willing to take I guess.....


Hurting

He may not be able to admit he is wrong. Hang in there until you are divorced. Stick with the plan here.

Even if she was free to marry, the chances against it are high.

You have done a good job with the plan here. You are still in a very good position, although it might not seem like it.