Hurting,

Even if they view this as "Romantic", because he gave up everything for this "soulmate", I PROMISE you, that WILL die. Because once he has given up you and his family, what more will there be to give up for her? If she's the type that HAS to have him "give things up" for her, (in order to "prove" his love) then he will eventually tire out and "GIVE UP"! What else do they have to truly base their relationship on, besides LIES and DECEIT, and then "giving things up"? Surely NOT trust or honesty!!! There is no way that could have ever been securly established! So instead, he has to run himself down, by giving it all up. It won't last. If the divorce does go thru, they will burn out...FAST!

I asked for nothing, when I divorced. I just wanted OUT! Infact, I would have paid HIM the bucks, just to disappear! Sad to say, but at least I'm free! With NO regrets!

You've come A LONG way, Miss, and you're almost there! Just hold on! It will get better...(at least for YOU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Jennifer

Believer,

I must say to you I think your right. WH has never been one to admit fault. He dances around it. His mom and i were talking about it tonight. She said to me he is just like his father never willing to say he was wrong.

In all our years together I could probably count on one hand all the times he admitted wrong doing. He would always dance around it and try and make things better by doing nice things for me or just totally ignoring it.

My MIL also feels he does not want to come back here to our home because of what has happened and how everyone in our neighborhood knows what has happened. Plus we live only 7 houses from her and he has treated her so bad he can't really face her either. He never calls her or see's her.

She seems to think once I move and am away from here it would be easier for him to make a move. I just don't know anymore.... I think if he ever tries to make it right it won't be for a long time yet. He is going to wait until he thinks I will sweep it under the rug.

I don't see how I am in a good position if he is going to divorce me. But then again I remember reading shugahs saga and I see what happened there. So anything is possible....

jennjifer,

I have had many of my friends say to me that once she feels she has won which would be him divorcing me then the chase is over and she won't be as interested. The challenge will be gone. I sure hope in a way this is true. I want to see them crash and burn I really do. Sounds bad on my part but it would be justice as far as I am concerned. I guess time will tell.....

Hurting

PS...Here's one he gave me after we divorced.

"I hope this is what you truly want, because I would hate to have to leave someone to get you back."

Me: "Don't worry, I'm not the kind of person that would break up a relationship!"

Besides...he's NOT my type! Too bad I didn't figure that out in the beginning!! (I was only 18!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Haha Jennifer - that's a good one.

Hurting - Hang in there. See if it goes all of the way to divorce. You have no way of knowing right now. You're husband has put himself way out there. The affair is going hot and heavy. But they don't last.

Jennifer,

As I read so much about all of this stuff, books and of course here. I see so many times how the WS'S try to come back at some point even after a divorce. But so many times its way to late for them as the BS has moved on or is so hurt they can't or won't risk taking them back. I just wonder though how many times this really happens.

Believer,

Yeah he is way out there on Mars or something.....

Hot and heavy is right on to..... Two lost souls clinging to the only people who will have them right now..... Reality gotta hit sometime or another.....

Hurting, it happens more than you know. That it's too late, when they "change", (again). In my case, I just couldn't risk it. It hurt tooo bad, the first couple of times, and it came down to him or me (and the girls). I had to let him go. And now, all these years later, I can look back, and KNOW I did the right thing! I do not hurt by, for or with him, anymore. Our lives are separate. We have been able to be friends, but ONLY because we are not together. I could only forgive, by leaving. If I had stayed, I STILL would have not forgiven him, and I'd still be in that same, dark place.

You know it's too late, when you demand be treated like a human, and you only gain respect, when you respect yourself. You are on the right road, Hurting! Do not budge from where you are now! You are a woman with DIGNITY, and that definately counts for something. A gift that you should never give up for anyone or anything!

Jennifer

Jennifer,

I am not budging from where I am . I deserve respect from him. My self-esteem was shot for a long time after all of this. I wondered why was I not worthy and so many other things.

But though my IC I realized I am worthy and deserve respect from myself and him. I respect myself and now know I didn't do this to him, he did it to himself.

I won't give me up or the respect I deserve just to have him back. If/when he can show me respect, compassion and true remorse for what he has done then maybe we can rebuild our lives. As much as I love him he has a lot of work to do if he ever wants me back in his life. I won't settle for less.

Of course I am realistic enough to know he may never try. That will be his loss though and he will have to be the one to live with it........


Hurting

You are a good woman, Hurting! An inspiration to others going thru this. I'm sure there are many out there, who do not post, but lurk, and can truly look to you for their inspiration, source of hope and survival!

Keep up the great work!!

Jennifer

jennifer,

All I can say is thank you.......


Hurting

Hurting

Just wanted to let you know, I am praying for you daily. Hang tough.

Yours in Christ

WOL

WOL,

Thank you, as you are in my prayers also. I keep up with your sitch I just don't have any wise words for you.....

Keep up the faith .......


Hurting

WH just dropped the kids off at home. He picked them up while i was at work and took them to lunch and bought DS some clothes and DD a phone card. It makes me happy he came and spent some time with them. the only bad draw back is the bimbo was with them.

I wish he would spend time without her around but not much I can do about it. I worry the kids being around her more and more will cause them to accept her and this sick relationship... Make it all ok and normal for WH. Heck if the kids accept it what reason would he have to ever leave her.

Oh well life goes on......


Hurting

Hurting, Just keep your head up. Your kids will learn by your actions, and the actions of your H. In the end, they will know which is the most acceptable behavior. But unfortunatley, he is their Dad, and they will accept his attention in any form it comes. But it is YOU who is there full time role model, and will be the most influenced by, and you are doing GREAT! Your example to them says, "Life might be hard when you stand up for something you strongly believe in, but it's worth it!"

My Dad always told me, that doing the "right" thing, isn't always doing the "easy" thing. I find this to be very true!

Hang in there...

Jennifer

Jennifer,

Your right, I know that. The kids are old enough to know whats right and wrong. And they do, they all know he is wrong. It just makes me sick that she knows all that goes on in our lives. She tries to be DD'S friend and place nice to her.

Yuor right its not easy standing up for whats right. Sometimes I just wish i could wake up one morning and forget all of this and him. Like he never exsisted, it would be so much easier. I really thought after all of this time I would have lost any feelings for him I had but they won't go away.... If anyone else in my life had treated me the way he has I would have walked away so long ago and not cared. Why cant I stop caring or loving him?


Hurting

It's not an easy process, to forget or let go. One thing you can do, is just look to your future, and just dream about how things will be for you someday. Free of pain, saddness and lonliness. The kids will be grown, and you can travel, and begin a WHOLE new life, to live HOWEVER you wish to live it! Maybe even with someone new. (Although, a person can be happy with or without someone else.) But it can be an added bonus! Picture yourself, someday, on a sunny beach in the Bahamas, with a little umbrella drink on one side of you, and a hunk of a guy, on the other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> And you are thinking to yourself, as you are absorbing the rays of sun..."I NEVER would have pictured this, a few years ago!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Don't laugh, IT COULD HAPPEN, especially when you least expect it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Call me a dreamer, but I'm happy in my little world... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Jennifer,

I have tried to picture the future. I pretend doing those things but when I look over the only person I see next to me is my H. I can't even imagine giving myself to anyone else. The pictures won't even come into my mind.... I know this will sound funny but its like I would be cheating on him.... I just can't imagine it.....

I can't imagine being intimate with anyone else, it scares the crap outta me. I guess after you have been with only one person for so many years its hard to even think about being with someone else. I know him inside and out, or thought I did anyway. I can't imagine knowing anyone else like that ever again.

I guess in time my feelings will change if he never comes back. it's a scary world out there , especially when you've not had to face it alone for so long. But I am doing it pretty good, I'm still scared but I keep forging ahead and it keeps getting easier.

Hurting

Hurting, My X was my first and only, and I was alone for 10 years before meeting someone else. Even then, I didn't plan to meet anyone. I was pretty determined to stay alone, forever, or at least until the girls were raised. I just couldn't imagine being with someone else, nor did I want to be. Well, that changed, very unexpectedly!

Right now is too soon for you to visualize another person in your life. But you can start planning for yourself, a new beginning, and it can be a good thing.

I know you're scared and that's normal. You are doing an AWESOME job with what's in front of you, now! Just let yourself feel the normal feelings you have, and keep up the great job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Hurting, it's hard to move on expecially when forced to do so. I don't think anybody will know my CH better than I do. It's probably a good thing I do because we will always be the parents of our kids. Somebody needs to understand him.

Your CH can do everything he wants to try and normalize OW. It's never going to work. She will always be the interloper. For one thing, you don't even know how long she's going to be around. Your CH's A hasn't even been going on for a year. You can only hold up your head and be an honorable person. Your kids will know the difference. There will be lots of situations in the future where you may be running into her or her successor. Weddings, funerals, births. You need to get past your anger and find a place of peace. (Not easy. I'm struggling with it too.)You will be the one surrounded by loving family. She will be the one who looks like a dear in the headlights.

When I get down, I have a couple different tactics to fight it. 1) I think about the things that CH has done through the years that lead up to our current situation. Perhaps your CH never did anything bad but mine sure did. 2) I think about people I know who have had CS, gone through ****** and back and now have wonderful relationships with other people. There's folks here who have wonderful relationships with their FCS.

I've got lots of stories. Some days, that's what keeps me going.

Hi Hurting -

I understand your words below so well -



I can't imagine it either. And I don't want to. But if the road leads to D, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Without someone to care for me. Sure, we both know that we will be fine and we CAN SO MAKE IT. But just the thought is scary. Time will take care of that.......

You are a wonderful woman!

Kim