Is it possible to send your daughter to live with her brother? What about Job Corps?

It seems to me that she really needs to get away from the boyfriend...as far away as possible!!

Hurting,

Just to give you a little awareness...

Crackheads are the biggest stealers of bank/debit/credit cards. As long as DD is under your roof and you suspect drug use going on, hide all jewelry, anything of great value that can be haulked. Hide your SS. #, in case of identity theft. Druggies are big on identity theft too.

The guy that your DD is with is a professional criminal.
When he went to prison, he didn't get rehabilitation, he got smarter at the way he does crimes.

Please be so careful!!

Lady

Thanks all for the concerns over DD.

As far as living with her brother for now that can't happen. He and his family are staying with his MIL as they are moving in a few months to Florida.

I have mentioned Job Corp to DD but she is not interested. The bad part is she is an adult according to the law and I can't make her do anything.

Not to worry Lady as I have gotten everything locked up that has any value. Most of it was locked up after the first incedent oof money a few months ago. But now I am more vigalent with my purse and all ATM, credit cards etc.....

I wish I could find a way to keep this person away from DD but she is bullheaded and won't listen to anyone... Hmmmm wonder where she gets that from? Everyone else is wrong and she is right....

Well my first day at CVS was great. I really like it and the people. I am being trained on the one hour photo lab. That will be a good skill to have, it will make getting a job for anywhere that has one so much easier....I think this job is going to work out great.....


Hurting

P.S. Don't worry I will be very careful and aware of my surroundings..

Hurting:

What are you going to do about your daughter?

It's not OK for her to hold you hostage in your own home.

Don't you think something definitely needs to be done?

I'm concerned about you....and her...

Let's try to think of A PLAN...

HIOK-

I don't know if I have posted to you before my friend, but the recent trials with your kids is something I can relate to.

I have four kids...two sets of twins...that are now 20 yrs old and the youngest set will be 18 in May.

I have had (and still having) somewhat similar issues. My daughter (one of the older ones) went haywire this past fall, and was given the choice to either live by the rules of the house or find someplace else to live. She moved in with another family we knew until just after Christmas, when she was asked to leave for not following THEIR rules. Moved into an apt. with some guy friends she sorta knew from school...got into it with one of them who made a very crude suggestion to her and ended up getting them all evicted. Without talking to any of her family or normal friends at all, that week she got evicted she went missing. Stopped showing up at work and that apt., didn't call any of us, ended up one of her roomates filed a missing person's report on her.

Turns out she decided to live with another girl she knew from school...and has moved there without talking to any of us. I haven't seen her in a month...talked to her once on the phone since then letting her know where her stuff is at. She doesn't have a job, a phone, nothing...all due to her choices.

One of my younger two has started sneaking out in the middle of the night (in 20 deg weather, without a coat) for no real reason at all. Lying to us about it, been failing school for two years now.

When he hits 18, he's going to get the same ultimatum I gave his sister...follow the rules or follow the road. I HATE doing this...I feel like a total failure. But the rest of my family cannot take the emotional trauma that all of this has put us through.

My bottom line is this...your daughter IS an adult. Therefore, since you can't 'make' her do anything, you can let her suffer adult choices for her actions. Like booting her out if she continues to behave in a manner that is unacceptable at home. Sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way.

I feel your pain my friend...hang in there, and prayers are with you.

I agree with Owl..

There's a need for TOUGH LOVE for her own good, Hurting..

Mimi and Owl,

I do need to come up with a plan. I can't live like this for much longer. I worry everytime I leave my house what will happen while I am at work.

I have really thought about giving her a time line to find a job or she is out of here.

Then again I think her being out of here may be the best thing job or not. I worry she will have no place to go or go someplace unsafe. Then again I have to remember she is an adult and is making adult descions which will affect the rest of her life good or bad.

In all honesty I love my DD very much but I would rest so much easier if she didn't live here. In and out all hours of the day and night, bringing strange people in my home while I am not here. I am afraid one of these days I will come home and be wiped out.

I guess I just need to get the courage and strength to let her go. I am trying and yesterday was the first step by filing charges on her. It took a lot for me to do that....

Any ideas or suggestions anyone has I am ready and willing to listen.....


Hurting

You should never have to feel unsafe in your own home. But trust me that is how you will feel, and you already are feeling that way. I know that feeling....believe me.

Your DD is a wayward too, just in a different way. This is the 2nd time in a few months she/her friends has stole from you. She didn't get it the first time. So it's good you are pressing charges. She went to jail on that ticket, promised when she got out she was going to school, gonna do this, gonna do that, and didn't. As Owl said she's an adult now.

Remember back when money was stolen from you before. Did you say to her that if it happened again, she would be out.
Well...if you did say that to her, keep your word and tell her to go!

You have a 15 yr old that doesn't need to learn what DD is doing either. You do have to protect him

I had to let my DD go, it took her about a year to wake up, she saw a lot of stuff out there that she decided she didn't like anymore. Jail was one of them. Instead of the punk, bully, druggie, street fighter, stealer she was before. She is now becoming a responsible beautiful young lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I let her go, and prayed alot.

Lady

I just wanted to offer my support Hurting! You have been through a lot.

If I were you I would give my daughter a time frame to get a job. She is heading down the wrong path and as much as we try and protect our children sometimes we just can't. This boyfriend is BIG trouble! Since your DD is not in school she should be working...one or the other if not both. If she does not meet your ultimatum then you should make her move out. I know you don't want to, I wouldn't either, but sometimes you have to do those things. I do believe her father should be taking some responsiblity for her. I would tell him she is coming to live with him and then pack her stuff and tell her that is where she is going.

I know you are in Plan B and are not supposed to contact WH, but in my opinion this goes beyond that. This is his child too and he needs to take responsibility for her. The two of you are her parents...you need to come up with a plan for your daughter so you don't lose her to drugs or worse.

I know this is so hard for you. We Mom's tend to want to make everything ok with our families. You are doing a great job!!!

Love and support to you!

Thank you Lady and Lost. You both are right and I know this.

I am considering talking to WH this weekend while he is home concerning DD. Something needs to be done and as her father he needs to be involved in this descion. He was decent yesterday and stood behind my descion so I think its only right that we do this as a united front. Because whether we are married or not we are parents and always will be. I also feel if I have his help and support it will go further with her because she can't minpulate either one of us against the other with it.

Hurting

Hurting, you said:



I wonder what others think but, IMO, you probably need to deal with him through a mediator. As you yourself said, although your WH was "decent" yesterday, he remains a WS. THEY ARE ALIENS and can turn on a dime. He continues to be deceitful, he continues to be a liar, he continues to be involved in an A. He is at high risk for making this all about himself.

I definitely don't recommend for her to go to live with him and the OW. You want to HELP her..not create more confusion and heartache for her. You want to work on improving her sense of morality, sense of what is right rather than putting her him the clutches of evildoers....

I would push for the JOB CORPS. Maybe you can get support for this through the Court System. Maybe they will give her this as an option...

Of course, she definitely needs to go to work in order to live in your household...

Stand up and give her a choice about what to do. Now that I think of it I not sure why you need to talk to your H about this. He left her and helped to create this situation. You are the one who is her VICTIM. You and her need to deal with this between the two of you. He needs to deal with fact that he ABANDONED her...

Please make sure that DD gets counseling and you suggest this while she is incarcerated.

Many hugs and prayers to you. C, I know that you're devastated by her actions.

She has a HORRID role model to thank...her dad...who has shown her that it is ok to lie and cheat. This is something you have to STOP NOW or else what kind of adult will she grow to become? didn't she have issues with a possible pregnancy back a while ago? I am sad for you and am praying.

She is NOT TO BE DEALT WITH LIGHTLY.

And also, sadly, g oing to her dad, a WS..and a UNREPENTANT WS...might not be the best "go-to" person with this matter.

Your dd is reeling from the instability in her home...and from her dad who abandoned her...THAT BEING SAID...she also knows RIGHT FROM WRONG...and should be treated as such.

This is an excellent idea. Prior to court beginning, you can speak with the prosecuting attorney, in private of course, to see if this would be an option he can offer up to the judge.

I agree with not talking to WH, you already did that Hurting. He has already talked to her also. He told her she will face consequenses. He told her to get away from her boyfriend. He told her get a job go to school etc... What more can he say or do? I think "showing" him that you are strong enough to handle this yourself between DD and you, without words to him, will be respectable and honorable. He knows you are pressing charges, thats all he needs to know. He will see the consequences come from the judge.

The only thing you may want him to know is the boyfriend has a criminal history that is real bad. But you can have SIL let him know that.

Lady

You know now that you mention him as a role model it makes me think of something she said to me last night.

As she was talking to her dad and he was on her about a job and such after she got off the phone she said to me, " Who is he to talk about what I do or don't do when he is doing all of the things he is."

I guess it didn't really hit me until I read your posts Mimi and Peachy about her remark. I have noticed her conversations with him have deminished quite a bit. She hardly calls him at all now its him making the calls. In fact she didn't even call him on his birthday she said to him last night oh yeah Happy belated birthday.

You know I don't even think living with her d ad is any option anyhow, She won't go out there this I know and I would be willing to bet anything OW would not allow it anyway and I don't think her dad wants her there either.

I will discuss with the prosecutor about the job corp thing though that sounds like it could be a solution. But I am going to tell her tomorrow she has 30 days to get a job or she is out. I have already told her no one else is allowed in my home. No b/f's or any any friends at this time.

I could not get hold of my counselor friend today but I will try this weekend and see if she will talk to DD again....

Thank you all for your help i appreciate it all so much....

edited to say: I will not speak to WH. My SIL can tell him about the b/f. I will handle this by myself. I do appreciate his deceancy from yesterday but your right Mimi it changes like the wind. Next time I may not would be so lucky....

Hurting

I spoke with my MIL last night about all of this and she agrees that I need to give DD a time limit.

So I have decided that today after work I will speak to her and give her a date to have a job or she will have to move out. This will be so hard but I have to do it.

I have also decided that I am not going to involve WH in any of this. He left here wanting no responsibility so I will help him out with that.


Hurting

Great decision, I think, Hurting...

I know how hard it is dealing with these supposedly adult children...

Hang in there...

"IT'S HARD BEING TOUGH...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

It is hard but I have found I am getting tougher and I am seeing tough love is the only way I can deal with her and her father.

It is to the point now both of them have to face the consequences of their actions. I have to let go of both of them.... It's hard but its something that has to be done. Its the only way either of them will get it, if they ever do....

I love them both but its time to let go.......

The selfish, yet good, part of it is how much you personally will grow from this in the long run.

I had to do the exact same thing, Hurting. Let my H and my sons go, set them free...

They will come back..if it is meant to be...

LOOK UP...ONLY GOD..WILL NOT LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU...

TRUST IN HIM....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

((( Hurting ))) Bless you sweetie... You have been through so much... and I can not even contemplate going through half as much as you have without my meds.. You are one strong lady !!!

Photo lab sounds like alot of fun. I am sure it is hard work like all jobs, most anyway... but I think it is a great opportunity for you.. CVS has benefits and they will benefit from having YOU there working for them.. Yea !!

I am certainly not going to advise you with dealing with DD. You seem to be doing all the right things so far, you know best - so just keep using your best judgment....

Just remember --- What goes around, comes around... they will get theirs' and you will get yours' !!!

I never stop thinking of you hurting, even if not reading or posting, you are on my prayer list...

carnation

Mimi and Carnation ,

Thanks to both of you.

I am trying to stay strong and so far so good.

Letting go is so hard but I have to do it now......

Your right Car, what goes around comes around....

Hurting