This is a SWEET VERSION of what I wished for the OW...remembering those days....

What makes this even worse... if IF SHE DID FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH..he probably would come home....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

You know I keep thinking about that.

Lets just pretend she dumped him and he wanted to come home. Would I want him home because she dumped him? That would make me second best the consulation prize right?

Not sure I want him home like that, it would always have me wondering if he saw something he thinks is better come tripping by would he go again.

Wouldn't it better for him to come home because he makes the break not her? I don't want him to come wimping home because she broke his heart, I'm just not sure I can accept that... I want him because its what he wants, he wants his family not just a place to fall back on...

Am i making any sense here???? Not that I see him doing this but it has been something i have thought about a lot. A few months ago it would not have mattered to me how or why he came home but now it does. I won't settle for nothing less than commitment.

Does this mean I am truly detaching and loosing my love? I still feel the love or is it just something I tell myself?


Hurting

I have had the same thoughts, Hurting.
Don't want WH to come back just because he is lonely, scared, needs help, needs a ride, etc. but rather I want
him to come back because he loves me, misses me, misses
our life and values our marriage.
Don't know if he'll ever get there (or if it will be too
late when he does), but that's my thought.
Slammed

Ditto slammed my thoughts exacttly.....

here's the real deal.

if the ws comes home b/c ow drops off earth or dumps ws...and ws comes home and WANTS TO COMMIT TO NC, WORK LIKE HADES ON THE MARRIAGE...AND GOES TO MC AND IC AND WORKS WORKS WORKS...then you've got nothing to lose ...

but if ws comes home...b/c ow drops of earth or dumps him...and he DOES NOTHING TO CHANGE OR COMMIT TO CHANGE..

then you're stuck with a WS FOREVER...

no peace.

you'll be watching your back always...wondering when the other shoe will drop.

Peach,

Very well said. And I have to admit something I do fear if/when he ever tries.


But like i said I don't ever expect it .... not anymore anyway.....

Hurting

I was just saying he would want to come home...

I wasn't saying that you need to accept him home...

Just for clarity's sake, though, when my WH came home, it remained in the fog for 6 months, still in withdrawal over her, although he wanted the marriage...

When they come home, they do not act as if they are in love with you..it takes time and hard work, as Peachy says, for that to happen... TIME AND HARD WORK, TIME AND HARD WORK...

I know Mimi. I know it would be hard work and no feelings for a long while.

I am willing to take that risk and do the hard work, its just the fear of him coming back for the wrong reasons that worry me. I just would not want it to be because he had no one or nowhere else to go and we his family are just a cushy place to fall. Or because he is hit in the financial area so hard he see's no choice.

But I guess I will never really know if he tries what his true motives are.


Hurting

My point is that it very well may LOOK or SEEM this way at first...while he is in the fog....until withdrawal is over and he is able to REALLY love again....

Mimi,

I know your right about that. After reading so much about all of this. It just scares me.

But I will be honest I don't see it happening anyway. I still pray it does but I just don't see it....

I'm not saying I am giving up hope but it seems he is so determined.

So I am doing hwat I have to for myself and DS for now, I can't w orry about him anymore.

I am starting to look for a place to move to and get that over with. Its hard to find something decent I can afford but I will. I am planning this weekend trip for DS and myself, so I have some things to look forward to and new memories to make. The past is the past and I just want to leave it there.

I am living my life to the best of my ability and letting WH live his.

Hurting

YOU ARE DOING GREAT! MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN I EVER DID!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I'm not sure about that but thank you for saying it.

I'm trying my darnest to keep going and be happy....


Hurting

Hi Hurting!

I understand what you are saying about the "reason" that a WH comes home. I definitely would rather have it that WH chooses to come home b/c he sees on his own that the A is not right.....I wish my WH could have done that. OW has dumped him. He is in financial difficulties. He is lonely. So, he seems to be choosing to work on our M as a last resort...I am trying hard not to see it that way.

But, like Peach & Mimi said - if the WH is committed and willing to work on the M, it's a "go" no matter how they came to the decision.

You ARE doing awesome. You ARE an amazing person.

Hugs!!

Kim

Kim,

I know your right and Mimi is right as well. However the descion comes about as long as they commit and wanting to work on the marriage its a "go" as you say.

You know I am in awe sometime how people see me as doing so well and being so strong. How come it is the one person I want to see it the most see's nothing but what he perceives as a woman he does not love anymore. Someone who can be replaced by another woman who is nothing but a loser and user. I don't exsist for him anymore just like our lives never happened.

Oh well his loss thats for sure. I deserve better than I have right now. I deserve the husband i used to have, not this pathetic, justifying jerk he is now.


Hurting

I think I'll put that one on my fridge!!

LOL Jean.....

By all means put it there.....


Hurting

Hurting, Kim and others:

I will never forget what Steve Harley told me..

If he loved you before, he can love you again...



HE WAS SO RIGHT!!!

Mimi,

I have no doubt in my mind about that. I even said that to him sometime back and he said nope its gone and won't ever come back.

But I am smart emough to know that if the OW stays around it will never happen. And believe me she has her claws dug in deep. Trying to pry her off will shred his skin right off and leave permante scars for sure. she is a leach just sucking the life right out of him. he does not see it this way because he is "Happy" ...... To bad he doesn't look as happy as he says he is........


Hurting

Then all who come into contact with him better remind him to smile. I recall telling the WS in my case, that with all our misery....somebody had better be happy. I don't know the OW so she doesn't count....that meant the next time I saw the WS, he'd better show a happy face so offset our misery.

Of course you realize the WS' makeup just can't do whatever the BS says.....so my command t/b happy backfired in the A BIGTIME! LOL!!! That twisted pretend face, was just hilarious. I laughed...... then told him to 'smile....dernit!' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Hurting,

I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that you want it to be WH choice to come home, not just feel like he has to come home because there is nowhere else to go.
The first time I found out about my WH's affair, I gave him the choice, her or me and even MADE him call her right there on the spot and tell her it was over and he wasn't going to contact her again. Big mistake, it has to be their decision. He went through all the motions of telling me he wanted me and calling her but the very next time he went interstate for work (that's where the affair took place) he was with her again. The affair went on for 11 months and when it was all over and done with and out in the open, it was his decision to end it. To start with this seemed unfair to me as I often thought that if he loved me enough he wouldn't need her, and he would be gald to give her up if I asked him to. Back then I was very new to MB and didn't really fully comprehend the FOG and how it affects the WS.
18 months on from the end of the affair i now realise that he was the one that had to make the decision to end the affair. I could not tell him what to do and just expect him to do it. I am glad that it was his decision in the end as it showed me that he truly wanted to end it.
Unlike your situation my husband never actually left me and claims to have never loved her and never even thought of leaving, but ultimately even if he had, I would still have given him a chance if he truly wanted to work on the marriage.
I believe that it is never too late to try again if that is what you both want.
Hurting, you are a strong and good person, even if you can't see it yourself. You are still my inspiration, as I told you in an earlier post.

Reewil <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />