Recently I tried to break it off with a man who I have been seeing for about a year. I am very insecure still and emotionally naive after my divorce and i felt unsure of when to get really involved-sex. So I decided rather than torture us both to call it off by telling him it's not working. He refuses to accept that answer and calls constantly to tell me he will never stop loving me or stop calling. He writes me emails professing love and offering to pay me to stay with him, pay me as his assistant, love slave because he never wants me to be unhappy or leave him again. I stopped talking to him for a week, it just got worse as he is now more giving and I don't know if this is what I wanted at one time?

Do women want this? To be live with someone and be adored is such a dream of mine but we can't be together because we are just so not compatible in our viewpoints, he hates women working, he yells at me when I ask questions.

Recently it's been getting bad like this:

He says there is one boss and he is it, to stop talking, when I talk, to act like a real woman, be more submissive, take care of the man and everything will be better, because I have bad habits, argue too much. It scares me a bit the way he tries to manage the way I talk, dress, act, but I am more afraid of breaking it off cold turkey. I won't see him again, that's for sure.

To make things worse I got lonely over New Years and talked up another man in his neighborhood which was really stupid because the entire family lives there and they are tight. Right away he asked if I just broke up with my b/f and I said yes and he asked if he was around here and I said, yes and he then said I bet I could find out who he is. At that point I cut off the conversation, but he knows my name, and could say we were talking which would just cause more drama. I don't want to cause more problems,

What can I do to end this gracefully or are things going to get ugly and how ugly? What can I do?

I feel so sick of dating, of love relationships, why would anyone want romance anyway? There is no affection, no love, no hope, just this constant fear of not doing the right thing, not knowing what to do, and no one to ask what to do. I want to talk to my therapist but I feel guilty as I told my ex b/f I was going to do that and he said don't dare bring our problems in front of someone else.

I can't believe I would listen to another man and let him run my emotions this way and be afraid. My therapist says if we are not physically compatible to end it, and that's the problem, but I can't tell him this. I feel I don't know how to act in any relationship anymore, and there must be something really wrong with me. What if my ex b/f goes nuts, at this point and never leaves me alone?

Nat

Nat, perhaps you are too close to the situation to realize that this guy exhibits the classic signs of a dangerously controlling personality. If you really did clearly communicate that you wanted to break things off with him, then his behavior would be considered stalking.

The only sensible advice in this situation is to be unequivocal about ending your "relationship." But you are right to be concerned that things could get very ugly - as in restraining-order ugly. Hopefully not uglier than that, but...it's possible.

If your therapist is talking about physical compatibility as an issue here, then either you haven't told your therapist what you've told us, or your therapist is grossly incompetent. This guy is seriously bad news.

With regards to "dating" and "love relationships," the situation you have been in does not qualify as a real relationship any more than a fox could be said to "be in a relationship" with a chicken.

If you have not been honest with your therapist (and it sounds like you haven't), that might be a good place to start. There is such a thing as love, but you need to learn to recognize it.

Salty002,

I so wish you the best....but please re-read what you've shared. Is this how you want to live?

You deserve to be treated with respect---settle for nothing less.

Married 18 years
I filed 3/24/04
D-Day 11/9/05
Long-time Lurker who has learned a lot from you guys! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would never want that a man "loves" me THIS way.
So unhealthy...
And, you know what? He's NOT giving you more - he is just preparing (you) to take more FROM you.


Many women do.
Ask if they are please and happy... totally different story...

Your "be adored is such a dream of mine"... dream... think of it... how much is your dream and how much is reality...


And again, I see no love here... nor respect.


Please be serious about this. And run like from the ******.


Then you treat him as you would(should) with any stalker or abuser.

Is this your ex with whom you are considering reconciling, or the guy who is "always with his son"? Or was this man #3 in the picture in parallel with the other two? I am not picking at you, I am just having a real hard time figuring out your "story", which makes it very hard to give any meaningful advice. Could you clarify how all these men fit into the picture?

AGG

Run, you are dealing with an emotionally abusive and controlling person. This may feel normal to you, but your posts says otherwise. You should have concerns.

Thanks, the comparison to the fox and the chicken lightened my mood. He won't listen, just talks so I can't say anything more than what I have said. That he is not listening to me and I can't have relationship like that. I told him I needed to focus on my career then he offered to pay me whatever I need to move in. Nothing I say matters, so I refuse to communicate any further.
He has to know what I mean.

He is a single father, not my ex, and we dated but were never intimate or on that level.

My therapist is $100/hr so I focus more on life issues, skills, and career.

So this is the guy "who always has his son with him" that you were telling us about last month, saying that you are not dating? But now you say that you have been dating for a year? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG do you have any advice to offer or are you going to continuously pick apart and react to what I say in quotes? Because so far that's all you have done in my posts. What advice do you have to give?

My advice can come after I understand your questions and your situation. You have come here a number of times, each time complaining about a dating situation, but never giving us enough background to understand how the pieces fit together.

This latest post is the perfect example. A while back you were asking about some guy who was a single dad, but whom you were "not dating". Now you are mentioning a single dad whom you have been dating for a year. But you are refusing to answer if it's the same guy or not. I don't understand why all the mystery exists, but I can't see how anyone can offer you advice if they have no insight into your dating situation.

I may be wrong, but I am under the impression that you are consistently floating a number of men in your life, which would make my advice different than if it was only one person you were dating. But, you do not make such things clear.

Sorry if you feel picked apart, I am just trying to understand, but you are making it nearly impossible.

AGG

nat,
#1 - several people gave you some advice. What did you think?

#2 - I'm curious about the title of your thread, and how you think you keep making it worse. How do you think you are making mistakes?

Faith1

Salty, if you want to get the most for your money, I'd take your original post into your therapist next session. I believe this falls squarely under Life Skills.

A man wants to pay you to be in his service and you aren't deeply offended. You're afraid of this man. Why are you in a relationship with him? Why are you chatting up another man when the one you are afraid of thinks you're still seeing him? I don't think it was "wrong" just dangerous. It sounds like there is a lot going on within you that led to this situation.

For what it's worth, I also suggest you talk to someone at a woman's shelter. The man you describe sounds incredibly dangerous and toxic to me.

OK, in the spirit of good MB behavior, I'll give you some advice, even though I still can't understand all the players (no pun intended) in the picture. Here goes:


Simple. Tell him you are done with him, do not see him, talk to him, etc. He is not right for you.


Well, "not seeing him" is cold turkey, and that is definitely what I would vote for. If you are really afraid of him, call the police and ask for suggestions.


Call him and tell him to not contact you again. If you are really afraid of him, call the police and ask for suggestions.


It's not "dating" that's the problem, it's meeting "defective" people and not having the ability to stop seeing them. That is a bad pattern, and you should really examine why you end up dating such misogynistic men.



That is really scary. IMO, you should have no further contact whatsoever with this guy. If you are really afraid of him, call the police and ask for suggestions.


Well, this is a huge problem, and it is good that you see it as such. Being afraid for your safety in a relationship, and not knowing how to be "yourself", are pretty big red flags. If you are really afraid of him, call the police and ask for suggestions. If you are asking how to change those patterns, then I would vote for continuing to see your therapist and learning to be happy on your own before dating again, especially since you have realized that you seem to attract the wrong men.

Dating in fear of your safety is no way to date.

Oh, and have a look at this , I think you'll see that you are probably 0 for 20 in your relationships with these guys.

I hope this helps.

AGG