Lifted,

This is just my VHO, but the fact that you are so defensive and riled by the replies is a red flag. I'm not sure what you were expecting. You stated your feelings and people have replied with theirs, just like we always do. Lots of times we don't get the responses we want. But please ask yourself why these responses bother you so much. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. I'm not saying this to judge you or hurt you. I don't even know you or your sitch. I am just giving you my perspective as a total outsider reading what you have written.

LU, we are trying to help you get it right, though, and strangely you are resisting. You are attacking us for pointing out the obvious.

This is a problem of your own making, over which you have full control. And it is the second time you have done this. Since you are aware this is a problem for you, are you doing something to limit your communications with other men?

I guess we do not like each other's posting style. That is OK with me.

I am not entertaining anything. I am not dreaming about jumping in to bed with this man. He is married and so am I. Gesh, he called, I have not heard from him 13 years. I have always regretted how I left things with him. His call took me back to some good memories. I have shared them here for advice. What is wrong with that?

You make me sound as if I am out looking for marriages to destroy and that is not the case. I come here and post, it helps me to proccess my feeling.

And you are getting the advice you asked for. And don't seem to like it.

LU:

First,
Sorry that your attempt at being Open and Honest about your situation has lead you to feel Trampled on.
I'm sure it feels like a slap in the face (since I'm sure your motives were well intended).

I guess
I'd just like you to step back and Understand that the folks here were Using Heavy 2 x 4's cause they Thought That's what you needed.

Please realize NO One here Wants to appear to be supporting an A (Any A)!
Hence the STRONG Reaction.

So perhaps when you asked "what should I do" .....you meant How do you personally deal with these thoughts and feelings cause you KNOW they are not proper and you Don't want them.

However,
Don't hold it against those that took your question more to mean something along the lines of "I've been wronged, this guy and I STILL have a connection, therefore should I Go for IT"??

Its unfortunate if your Hurting over misunderstandings. [Sadly happens too often on boards like this, due to the restrictions of the medium we use].

But let me applaude you for Doing as you should and not Hiding (and playing with) this information .........and instead bringing it out into the open by discussing it with your H [without Acting on it].
That's great progress and a positive Move on your part.

LiftedUp, sharing this with your H was the first step and the best thing you could have done. Good for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Your H should be aware of your weaknesses, vulnerabilities & temptations and how his betrayal has probably contributed to this. However, the second step you need to take is to stop indulging yourself in inappropriate thoughts and fantasies about your old BF. Sin always start in the thoughts and deliberate thoughts and fantasies about a MARRIED man is wrong and a form of mental and emotional betrayal towards your H. You need to hold every thought captive and control it because giving in to these type of thoughts will just continue to feed your "feelings" for this man. What you and your old BF had is in the PAST and you should leave it there emotionally and mentally… However, I understand it is difficult since I've struggled with the same thing (dwelling thoughts about XOM).

With all due respect, ML, no one has full control over their feelings. What we do have control over his how we respond to those feelings.

LU did the right thing. Instead of stuffing those feelings inside, she expressed them - most importantly to her spouse, and also to people here who are supposed to be her friends. And you and others respond by beating her about the head with an 8x8 (most of the responses are way above and beyond the typical 2x4, IMHO).

{{{LU}}} Sorry to see you get trampled on here. Does it help if I say misery loves company? I've been trampled on here more times than I care to think about. As always, Suzet offers good advice on all things even remotely WS-related. All I can say is if you catch yourself in some fantasy about this old BF (which we all do from time to time), find something else to redirect your thoughts to. It could be anything from an upcoming date with your H to how you'll reorganize that closet that's gotten out of control to how you'll tackle some project at work (minus Mr. Victoria's Secret of course ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

You know full well the slippery slope fantasizing about former BF will send you on. The other BSs here aren't giving you enough credit for understanding your own sitch. They're basically taking on the role of thought police and burning you at the stake for simply having feelings. Like they've never in their lives had similar feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Boy this is a first, though. I fully expect these people to beat up on WSs/FWSs like me, but on one of their own? For having perfectly natural thoughts/feelings? Sheesh! This place is supposed to help people.

I came here and shared my feels on my current situation. I got what I asked for Opinions.

I never implied in my origianl post that I wanted to jump the man. I only shared how the call made me feel. My guess is he has not given me a second thought since he hung up.

Exactly. But we very much control if we entertain and indulge those feelings by obsessing over them to this degree. A mature person recognizes inappropriate feelings, [we all have them] rejects them, deals with them, and moves on, rather than indulging and encouraging them.


She did not get "trampled" here, she was given some good solid common sense advice in dealing with her problem. LEt's not turn her into the victim of the week, ok?

GBH,

Thanks for the support. I come here for support from other BS's and I always get slammed.

I know what causes an affair and right from wrong. I have never acted on any feelings I have shared here.

Everything I share here I share with my husband. He can come read here anytime.

~

ML,

I do not think I am obessing over anything. Damn, I just got the call last night. Yes I shared that I felt that I was in love with him and that I thought of him often.

I am not stalking the man. I have not searched for him for 13 years.

No ML I am not the "victim of the week" and yes I did get some good sound advice but it was not yours. You seem to come at me with some kind of vengence.

Ladies...you know as I see it you both have points that are 100% legit...so that being said...

LU- I understand, fully. I divorced my xw in 2003 and moved back last spring about a year after D-day. During teh time I was divorced I had other relationships. One in particular comes to mind. I cared very deeply for this woman and broke it off because I was torn at the "possibility" of an attempt to reconcile with XW. There was nothing "bad" in that relationship from my perspective except she was no xw, who I loved. xw remains threatened by her but should not. I established NC prior to finding MB principles and had to reinforce with e-mail from xw to her. I still "care" about her and how she is and there is a "wonder". xw will ask me "if" I think of her and I say yes and shei s hurt until I tell her she should ask "how I think of her", it is just wonder that is all, not a longing, missing, feeling.

See her relations with others are all "bad"...a secret PA and an EA that went PA after our divorce...so she goes straight to bad...

Just thought I'd put adifferent twist on it...

Good luck with everything LU...it is a long , long road is it not?

LU, I am sorry we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. But what you were told was given in the spirit of support. But I suspect that is the problem; that you simply dislike hard truths and rather came here for sympathy.

Folks who tell you what you want to hear are not doing you any favors, I am sad to say. Nice words are not any kind of substitute for the hard truth.

Thank you!

It is a long, long, curvey, hilly road!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LiftedUp,

far from getting "nailed on a cross", you have received several well-intentioned warnings.

Ye gads, what is a MARRIED woman thinking/doing telling a married other man with a single telephone call after 13 years that she is IN LOVE with him and THINKS OF HIM OFTEN?

I do hope that you realize the swampy ground you are treading. You are not protecting your present vulnerabilities. It is high time to set yourself some boundaries.

ML, there are ways to get the hard truth across to LU (or anyone else for that matter) without beating up on her. Suzet did a great job of it. You assumed the morally superior status and beat up on her... unjustifiably. But that's not all that surprising, considering the attitude of a lot of the BSs here.

And we wonder why there are so few FWSs here. When a BS gets beat up by her own peers, can you blame people for getting scared off?

If more people were constructive as opposed to sanctimonious, this might be a much more helpful forum.

Please go back and read my original post.

I did not call him he called me. I did not tell him those things. I said that we got caught up.

I told you guys that is how I felt.

Read it again!

Thank you GBH. That is exactly what I want to say to ML. I am not very good with words.

Thanks to Suzet as well.

WHOA, LiftedUp, WHOA...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I beg of you NOT to follow those "lost love", "soulmate" type feelings...Of everyone that has posted to you, I'm not sure that you will ever find someone that can understand your feelings more than I do, and because of that I can tell you unequivoably how VERY, VERY DANGEROUS that even another phone conversation with this man could be for you...HERE's HOW I KNOW...

MY OWN AFFAIR WAS WITH A PAST LOVE THAT I HADN'T SEEN IN, GET THIS, [color:"red"]13 YEARS[/color]!!!

If you'd like, go back and read some of my beginning posts to see just how similar my "feelings" were...Or, e-mail me and we can share dialogue about this...I won't condemn, but I will tell you all the reasons why every single cell in my body began exclaiming...


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[color:"red"]DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!![/color]
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as soon as I read just the title of your thread...Please know that I am posting to you, because I want to spare you all the agony that goes with this particular territory...IMO, it is quite possibly the MOST DANGEROUS type of affair ever...feelings of a new relationship coupled with history is too WAY too slippery a slope to even look at...

My hope is that you can learn from my better than 20/20 hindsight where this situation is concerned...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering