After my divorce from my first husband i ran into a male friend that I went to elementary school with in a bar. We were about 25. We started dating and feel in love. We both had a child.

I introduced him to my family. My mother was not impressed with him. She said he was basicly not good enough. She and my younger sister intorduced me to a man that lived in there town. He swept my son and I off our feet. He had a great job all that stuff that you think is important. And my family liked him.

I dropped the friend from school and moved to live in the town with the man that my mother had introduced me to. We got married and he is now my FWH. I have never forgetten my friend from school. It has been 13 years and I really do think about him alot. I regret the way I just up and left. I was really in love. We were really happy.

Well, yesterday he called me. He ran into one of my sisters at her work. He used her cell and called. He has been married two years. We talked and got caught up. The sparks were still there. We could both feel them.

It has really just tore my world apart. Since his call I cannot get it off my mind. My husband could tell something was wrong.

I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lifted Up

LiftedUp,

I can understand this must be very tempting for you, especially since you are a BS and feel very vulnerable right now... But if you are really committed to your H and M in spite of your resentment and all the hurt he has caused you, you need to keep this old boyfriend out of your life and not have any contact with him again. You don't want to become involved in an A yourself, do you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Please do the right thing and keep the old BF out of your life. He is NOT a solution to your problems. And share this with your H. Remember, one of the ways to help affair proof a M is to share your vulnerabilities; temptations etc. with your spouse. This will also give you and your H an opportunity for open and honest conversation.

Blessings,
Suzet

This guy is MARRIED! Don't become an OW.

Am I having a deju vu moment here?


Knock it off. You are a married woman who knows better.

Are you kidding?

You've been through ****** trying to save your marriage. How could you knowingly put another woman through the same anguish you've been through?

Don't walk, run, from this potential OM!

There is one thing worse than an MOP and that is a MOP that is a FBS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I did not contact him. He contacted me. He was not looking for me he ran in to my sister. I will probably never hear from him again. He called because she suggested it.

Yes, he is married and spoke of his wife. I would not want anyone to hurt the way that I have or any other BS. I am not planning on having an affair with him and I doubt he is either.

I was just sharing my feelings here about what was going on in my head. Don't nail me on a cross. Give me a break.

I am picking up on an underlying implication that you are blaming your family for your choices in men. You say your husband swept you off your feet but seem to implicate that you left your old bf because your mother didn't think he was good enough.
If you were so happy you would have stayed with him. This is a pipe dream honey. When the going gets tough it is easy to fantasize about what might have been. And that's all it is, a fantasy.
How do you know you could both feel sparks? Did he tell you this? If you think he is so great, why is he coming on to you when he is married? If you had married him, what makes you think he wouldn't be feeling "sparks" with some other fantasy from his past?

What are you in love with? Get a grip on yourself here. You are in love with a fantasy, not reality. You are dreaming up a life with this man that does not and never did exist. Of course it is going to look better than what you have now. But let me assure you that once you are married to this man and living with him daily raising your children you will be right back where you started. Stop looking for men to fix any longings you have and start working on how to make yourself happy with you.

lifted up...

How do you expect people to respond to such a post...

that we should just believe and accept the fact that when you were 25 you loved some guy....
and you believe that he and you are the same people this many years later and everything is the same...

our brains are capable of keeping lots of things 'alive' but it doesnt' make them reality...

you have fed thought processes...
and are now covincing yourself...

what's next
soulmates?

this man is not the same man he was..
he is infact a stranger...

do you know that heroin addicts do not seek the high of heroin...nope...their quest is even more futile than that..

they seek to recapture the chemical response created in the brain from their first EXPERIENCE of heroin...

problem is that you can never go back and experience something for the first time again...

so whats your plan..

gonna call him some more
gonna start emailing..
perhaps meet up soon...

so many possibilities....
but surely you don't expect this site to support such an endeavor....

ARK

And we are just sharing our feelings: knock it off, you know better.

And this is not the first time you have spoken to him recently, you spoke to me months ago about this very issue and I told you to knock it off then. Apparently, you haven't.

Okay, go back and read your "feelings".

MelodyLane,

I have not heard from this man in 13 years and I have never spoken about him here on MB'er. You need to go back and look if you find a post that I have spoken about him let me know. I may be wrong but I do not think so. I have spoken about a man that I have met thru my work. They are not the same.

LU, you were emailing with this exact same story 2 1/2 months ago. Was there another guy too?

You can all be so judgemental.

I have done just what I have learned and what Suzet has suggested that I do. I have shared my temptations, vulnerabilities, etc. with my spouse.

Thank you Suzet for your support.

LU,
I'm going to unnail you from the cross.

This is actually natural.

You're still going to have residual effects of resentment.

I'm pretty versed on your story, and can find at least a couple of reasons, that you resent the fact your H had the A in the first place, taking into consideration all you gave up for him.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you even gave up your son in a way?

If you were emailing ML about this same guy, that's something you guys should maybe talk about offline.

That's sort of like sharing a PM, and I think maybe something you weren't comfortable talking about here.

It's easy to attach onto something from the past, that had no "ill effects".

While you're still dealing with the betrayal of your H, there's naturally that part of you that will think back to your First Love, and wonder, well if I hadn't buckled, and stayed with HIM, instead of FWH...would I be where I am today?

I think it's natural....and I don't think you should be nailed to the cross for it either.

You haven't indicated you're still talking to him, you expressed some feelings, and I think that's better than trying to repress and deny them.

Sometimes when you put things out there, it's your way of moving through them.

I'm sure that's what you'll do here as well. You put it out there, you've gotten the 2X4s from near and far.

Now work through them, and get back to your life.

How are the boys doing?

MelodeyLane,

Please show me where I can find that story.

I was here talking about the man I met thru work.

This is an old boyfriend that I had when I was single 13 years ago. I have not heard from him nor seen him since. He called yesterday and I was sharing how that call made me feel here with you guys.

You do not have to agree with my feelings or support them. I have shared them with my husband and we are working thru it. I think that is the right thing to do.

LU, with all due respect, you should be able to judge right from wrong. And I know you can. But entertaining these little flights of fancy with other men [this is the second episode that I know of] is not helpful and I know you know that.

You have full control over your feelings and I think this is a case where you should start exercising that control, lest you get yourself in some serious trouble.

That "story" was on my email when you emailed me a few weeks back about another guy you were "having feelings for" and wanted to know what to do. I told you to knock it off back then, too. And here we are again, it seems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Betrayedinjersey,

Thanks for your kind post and I am doing what you have said.

You are right, I did give up my older son for my husband. I have had to work thru that chose as well.

Thank you for asking about him. He is doing well and has been thru a rehab program. He is now living in a halfway house and is doing as well as to be expected.

I d not mind the 2 x 4's. That is why I put it out there. I want to learn to keep my marriage together.

As far as Melodylane goes we never agree.

LU, what do we not agree on? Do you not agree that you shouldn't be entertaining these flights of fancy about other men?

Melodeylane,

You are correct. I did email you some months ago about a man I have business with thru my job. I did ask you what to do. I did take your advice.

This is a differnt man. One that I was in love at the time and his call stirred up old feelings.

My husband and I have only been in true recovery for 11 months. I think that most in my time frame struggles with the same issues that I have struggled with. It is normal.

When I am as far along as you then maybe I will get it right everytime just like you do.

Lifted,

This is just my VHO, but the fact that you are so defensive and riled by the replies is a red flag. I'm not sure what you were expecting. You stated your feelings and people have replied with theirs, just like we always do. Lots of times we don't get the responses we want. But please ask yourself why these responses bother you so much. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. I'm not saying this to judge you or hurt you. I don't even know you or your sitch. I am just giving you my perspective as a total outsider reading what you have written.

LU, we are trying to help you get it right, though, and strangely you are resisting. You are attacking us for pointing out the obvious.

This is a problem of your own making, over which you have full control. And it is the second time you have done this. Since you are aware this is a problem for you, are you doing something to limit your communications with other men?

I guess we do not like each other's posting style. That is OK with me.

I am not entertaining anything. I am not dreaming about jumping in to bed with this man. He is married and so am I. Gesh, he called, I have not heard from him 13 years. I have always regretted how I left things with him. His call took me back to some good memories. I have shared them here for advice. What is wrong with that?

You make me sound as if I am out looking for marriages to destroy and that is not the case. I come here and post, it helps me to proccess my feeling.

And you are getting the advice you asked for. And don't seem to like it.

LU:

First,
Sorry that your attempt at being Open and Honest about your situation has lead you to feel Trampled on.
I'm sure it feels like a slap in the face (since I'm sure your motives were well intended).

I guess
I'd just like you to step back and Understand that the folks here were Using Heavy 2 x 4's cause they Thought That's what you needed.

Please realize NO One here Wants to appear to be supporting an A (Any A)!
Hence the STRONG Reaction.

So perhaps when you asked "what should I do" .....you meant How do you personally deal with these thoughts and feelings cause you KNOW they are not proper and you Don't want them.

However,
Don't hold it against those that took your question more to mean something along the lines of "I've been wronged, this guy and I STILL have a connection, therefore should I Go for IT"??

Its unfortunate if your Hurting over misunderstandings. [Sadly happens too often on boards like this, due to the restrictions of the medium we use].

But let me applaude you for Doing as you should and not Hiding (and playing with) this information .........and instead bringing it out into the open by discussing it with your H [without Acting on it].
That's great progress and a positive Move on your part.

LiftedUp, sharing this with your H was the first step and the best thing you could have done. Good for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Your H should be aware of your weaknesses, vulnerabilities & temptations and how his betrayal has probably contributed to this. However, the second step you need to take is to stop indulging yourself in inappropriate thoughts and fantasies about your old BF. Sin always start in the thoughts and deliberate thoughts and fantasies about a MARRIED man is wrong and a form of mental and emotional betrayal towards your H. You need to hold every thought captive and control it because giving in to these type of thoughts will just continue to feed your "feelings" for this man. What you and your old BF had is in the PAST and you should leave it there emotionally and mentally… However, I understand it is difficult since I've struggled with the same thing (dwelling thoughts about XOM).

With all due respect, ML, no one has full control over their feelings. What we do have control over his how we respond to those feelings.

LU did the right thing. Instead of stuffing those feelings inside, she expressed them - most importantly to her spouse, and also to people here who are supposed to be her friends. And you and others respond by beating her about the head with an 8x8 (most of the responses are way above and beyond the typical 2x4, IMHO).

{{{LU}}} Sorry to see you get trampled on here. Does it help if I say misery loves company? I've been trampled on here more times than I care to think about. As always, Suzet offers good advice on all things even remotely WS-related. All I can say is if you catch yourself in some fantasy about this old BF (which we all do from time to time), find something else to redirect your thoughts to. It could be anything from an upcoming date with your H to how you'll reorganize that closet that's gotten out of control to how you'll tackle some project at work (minus Mr. Victoria's Secret of course ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

You know full well the slippery slope fantasizing about former BF will send you on. The other BSs here aren't giving you enough credit for understanding your own sitch. They're basically taking on the role of thought police and burning you at the stake for simply having feelings. Like they've never in their lives had similar feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Boy this is a first, though. I fully expect these people to beat up on WSs/FWSs like me, but on one of their own? For having perfectly natural thoughts/feelings? Sheesh! This place is supposed to help people.

I came here and shared my feels on my current situation. I got what I asked for Opinions.

I never implied in my origianl post that I wanted to jump the man. I only shared how the call made me feel. My guess is he has not given me a second thought since he hung up.

Exactly. But we very much control if we entertain and indulge those feelings by obsessing over them to this degree. A mature person recognizes inappropriate feelings, [we all have them] rejects them, deals with them, and moves on, rather than indulging and encouraging them.


She did not get "trampled" here, she was given some good solid common sense advice in dealing with her problem. LEt's not turn her into the victim of the week, ok?

GBH,

Thanks for the support. I come here for support from other BS's and I always get slammed.

I know what causes an affair and right from wrong. I have never acted on any feelings I have shared here.

Everything I share here I share with my husband. He can come read here anytime.

~

ML,

I do not think I am obessing over anything. Damn, I just got the call last night. Yes I shared that I felt that I was in love with him and that I thought of him often.

I am not stalking the man. I have not searched for him for 13 years.

No ML I am not the "victim of the week" and yes I did get some good sound advice but it was not yours. You seem to come at me with some kind of vengence.

Ladies...you know as I see it you both have points that are 100% legit...so that being said...

LU- I understand, fully. I divorced my xw in 2003 and moved back last spring about a year after D-day. During teh time I was divorced I had other relationships. One in particular comes to mind. I cared very deeply for this woman and broke it off because I was torn at the "possibility" of an attempt to reconcile with XW. There was nothing "bad" in that relationship from my perspective except she was no xw, who I loved. xw remains threatened by her but should not. I established NC prior to finding MB principles and had to reinforce with e-mail from xw to her. I still "care" about her and how she is and there is a "wonder". xw will ask me "if" I think of her and I say yes and shei s hurt until I tell her she should ask "how I think of her", it is just wonder that is all, not a longing, missing, feeling.

See her relations with others are all "bad"...a secret PA and an EA that went PA after our divorce...so she goes straight to bad...

Just thought I'd put adifferent twist on it...

Good luck with everything LU...it is a long , long road is it not?

LU, I am sorry we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. But what you were told was given in the spirit of support. But I suspect that is the problem; that you simply dislike hard truths and rather came here for sympathy.

Folks who tell you what you want to hear are not doing you any favors, I am sad to say. Nice words are not any kind of substitute for the hard truth.

Thank you!

It is a long, long, curvey, hilly road!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LiftedUp,

far from getting "nailed on a cross", you have received several well-intentioned warnings.

Ye gads, what is a MARRIED woman thinking/doing telling a married other man with a single telephone call after 13 years that she is IN LOVE with him and THINKS OF HIM OFTEN?

I do hope that you realize the swampy ground you are treading. You are not protecting your present vulnerabilities. It is high time to set yourself some boundaries.

ML, there are ways to get the hard truth across to LU (or anyone else for that matter) without beating up on her. Suzet did a great job of it. You assumed the morally superior status and beat up on her... unjustifiably. But that's not all that surprising, considering the attitude of a lot of the BSs here.

And we wonder why there are so few FWSs here. When a BS gets beat up by her own peers, can you blame people for getting scared off?

If more people were constructive as opposed to sanctimonious, this might be a much more helpful forum.

Please go back and read my original post.

I did not call him he called me. I did not tell him those things. I said that we got caught up.

I told you guys that is how I felt.

Read it again!

Thank you GBH. That is exactly what I want to say to ML. I am not very good with words.

Thanks to Suzet as well.

WHOA, LiftedUp, WHOA...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I beg of you NOT to follow those "lost love", "soulmate" type feelings...Of everyone that has posted to you, I'm not sure that you will ever find someone that can understand your feelings more than I do, and because of that I can tell you unequivoably how VERY, VERY DANGEROUS that even another phone conversation with this man could be for you...HERE's HOW I KNOW...

MY OWN AFFAIR WAS WITH A PAST LOVE THAT I HADN'T SEEN IN, GET THIS, [color:"red"]13 YEARS[/color]!!!

If you'd like, go back and read some of my beginning posts to see just how similar my "feelings" were...Or, e-mail me and we can share dialogue about this...I won't condemn, but I will tell you all the reasons why every single cell in my body began exclaiming...


***************************************************
[color:"red"]DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!![/color]
***************************************************


as soon as I read just the title of your thread...Please know that I am posting to you, because I want to spare you all the agony that goes with this particular territory...IMO, it is quite possibly the MOST DANGEROUS type of affair ever...feelings of a new relationship coupled with history is too WAY too slippery a slope to even look at...

My hope is that you can learn from my better than 20/20 hindsight where this situation is concerned...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

I have neither the desire nor interest to engage in a territory-marking contest with any other poster, so I'm not going to directly answer you here. If you have the patience to find it, you can wade through the Pool of Introspection over on the "feminine hygiene" thread, and read The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid. The Saga is my life story, and although the paths travelled were different than yours, the root cause was similar enough. I'm certainly not telling the story again, and if you don't want to track the Saga down (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't--it's a long thread), my email address is at the bottom of this post, and I will be glad to "discuss" with you how you can not just get past this, but get over it as well. Good luck. You can do it.

t&l

Lifted Up, I will not bash you but just gently remind you that sometimes the toughest love we get from others is the best. I know it hurts but eventually you will appreciate the vantage point from which it comes. Being both a FWW and a BS as well as a fairly young Christian I can tell you it was all given with a big dose of love.

Thank you! I will receive that.

It is all in how you go about giving that big dose of love.

I am interested in what you have to say. I glanced thru the thread but really do not have the time to look at it. I tried to email but it tells me I have to set up an email accout.

GBH, no one "beat up" on LU or took a "morally superior status. I think you are a little too anxious to turn her into a victim and she is no such thing.

Folks on this forum communicate in the way that suits them and certainly, that won't suit every person, but that is ok. The bottom line is she heard something she didn't like and took offense and attacked. Only she has control over that. I would also point out that lecturing others about their style is exceptionally sanctimonious and arrogant so perhaps you should practice what you preach?


I don't see anyone who really wants help being "scared off." If they are so easily scared off, then they didn't want "help" in the first place.

Pardon me,
Slight TJ here LU:


The issue of this thread aside:

Your above statement is IMO not Entirely Fair & one I would disagree with.

For good or Bad, not Everyone is as tough minded/willed as you are.

People CAN be chased away.
Sad but true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't hold LU in this category .....but when I was New (and a very first TIME Ever --- user of any type of board or Chat member) ........I was very timid and could have been run off with a FEW well placed kicks to the head/heart.

[Easy now, NOT saying that This is what is occurring here].
Just commenting on your general statement.

In fact there was some jerk*off (who eventually got banned from the MBer board himself) that kept me away for quite awhile, with his Initial posts to me.
He kind of freaked me out in the beginning, and so I stayed away.

I think most people are very very emotional when they first come, and if NOT given at least some supportive comments (and NO NOT for continuing any type of A) .....but just at least being heard, hopefully understood ....and perhaps valued and validated ....will Leave.

Indeed,
there is a certain percentage (that once that happens) will say "been there, NO HELP to be found" and NOT come back.

Alright, enough of my babble.

OK, back to you LU!

top rope, I think its real important to remember that we don't have control over who stays here and who doesn't. Some people are scared off by anything, others wouldn't leave no matter what. The essential point is that it is a personal choice. And we are always responsible for our own choices.

I don't see that WS' receive harsh treatment here, any more than anyone else. I see more BS receive 2x4's than anyone else. And they don't run off crying when it happens.

So I don't believe for a minute that one that really wants help would allow themselves to chased off. Wild horses couldn't chase off someone who was really serious.[I see that you are still here, btw] If they do, then shame on them. But it is still, their choice.

Top rope,

I know that you are not taking my side on the subject.

With that said, your attitude in what you say to someone really makes a difference. Maybe I am soft hearted but I get my feelings hurt quite a bit here. I do not know why I keep comming back for more. I lurk a whole lot more than I post.

I do come here looking for answers on how to handle certain situation's. I usaully get slammed. But I had thru all of this to become very think skinned.

LU:

If you read my initial post ......I believe you were misunderstood in what you "meant" to say.

Now,
sure you Can be blamed for not expressing yourself more clearly ....But I believe I know where you were actually going with your thought.

However,
I totally understand where the dissenters are coming from on this.
This was an easy one to Miss your intent.

To be clear,
I again commend you for not only coming here but going to your H Immediately.

Its out of your control what "pops" in your mind ......its totally another what you decide to play with and let get out of control.

I believe you did the right thing though, since you were ON Here .......phessing Up the very next day!!

Please Stay Just a Vigilant (as I think you ARE vulnerable right NOW).

THIS ~~~> [color:"blue"] What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him. [/color] <~~~

is the actual problem

Recovery is not "fine" if it is resentment heavy.

I came here to share a phone call I received from an old boyfriend. We talked for about 10 minutes. I shared taht I had been happily married for 13 years and had one child. He shared that he had been married two years. He said his daughter had just gotten married about 1 year ago. She was 7 when we met.

I shared the phone call with my husband and how it made me feel. I then came here and shared and I got slammed. I knew I would. Most of you reacted worse than my husband. It really makes it hard to come here.

Lighten up on how you treat people. I did not ask for your blessing and I do not need it.

You guys have accused me of having an affair with a man I have not seen in 13 years. I will bet that I will not ever hear from him again.

Just for the record I am happily married and in recovery. I have made a decision to stay in my marriage and do all I could to correct what I have done wrong.

Sacrificing is bad for the relationship. Sacrificing is anti-POJA.

I think some really good marital counseling is in order... Harleys are numero uno .... give them a call.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

for review LiftedUp .... you need a refresher

Quoting Harley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational. And when a spouse comes to me with unresolved feelings of resentment about something their spouse did in the past, I tend to put it on hold and focus on issues that prevent mistakes of the past from recurring. I ask them to trust my judgment, and see what happens to the resentment when the marriage has a chance to become fulfilling. In almost every case, resentment fades, as I predicted. While the painful memories are not entirely forgotten, the most recent marital experiences which are fulfilling and enjoyable, dominate a person's thinking, and resentment becomes weak and infrequent.

Agreed, that is a Huge Issue .....hence her being vulnerable.

Thinking Is where "it all" begins.

But I want to give her some credit, for admitting and "outing" herself for Thinking these thoughts about this guy.
Cause if she wasn't serious about doing right, she'd have kept all this to herself.

Hey,
Someone calling out of the Blue ......well to me that Equals an out of your hands Trigger.

And to me,
Its HOW you deal with that trigger, that is the key (cause they ARE Everywhere).

Now if she's still Obsessing in Feb or March .....then Yes, 2 x 4 away.
But after ONE DAY and With it being totally unexpected??
<shrugs shoulders>
That's just a bit much for me.

If others don't concur, that's OK too.

Pepperband,

The resentment has surfaced since the phone call. I came here asking what I should do now. Most people took the question "What should I do now?" as if I were asking for there permission to have an affair with this man. That is not the case.

Thank you for offering a suggestion on how to deal with the resentment.

My husband an I are doing very well in recovery. We are in MC. I have not shared the phone call with the MC but I have shared it all with my husband and we will share it with the MC together. None of this is a secret to him.

I agree that sacrificing is bad for a relationship. We did not learn that until after the affair.

It has been a huge trigger and brought up alot of feels, good and bad, that I thought were in my past.

I told my husband first and then I came here thinking I would get a little support. But we don't always get what we want.

If in a month I am hoping he will call me back and keeping those feelings a secret from my husband I think I will have a problem. Until then I will just keep myself aware of the situation.

I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

these words are huge red flags...

I have concern for anyone who uses the word love samely applicable from ten plus years ago to a person they haven't seen or have any idea about in years...in my opinion it diminishes the real meaning of love..which is not a feeling but actions....

it is very alarming..
it is alarming to other BS whose WS are engaging and using this language...for a BS to come and speak these words....

it is alarming to me for the word love to be used or even thought applicable to present time and day....alsmot disrespectful...

he is married presently and I love him presently.....even though I have no idea who he is today...

this is not meant to be mean..
this is me musing and picking your post apart outloud...

your husband should be very concerned that you apply the word love to present day phone call....

you should be alarmed as well..

ARK

I have said it many time in this post and I will say it again -

I DID NOT TELL THE OLD BOYRIEND ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

I said those these here. I was angry this morning. Those were my feelings after the phone call.

G back and read the post. I did not say in my post that I told the old boyfriend these things.

For heaven's sake people...

LU got an unexpected call from a guy for whom she had very strong feelings for 13 years ago. The call, and reflecting on the he!! she has been through over the past couple of years, triggered some feelings. She shared the feelings with her H and she vented them here.

She recognizes these feelings and vulnerabilities, and IMHO, is taking the peoper steps to (1) get them out, and (2) recognize them for what they are and properly work through them, with her H.

Instead of chastizing her for having feelings, why not show some compassion for crying out loud. Suzet has essentially expressed the same things as posters like ML, but instead of simply saying "knock it off" and questioning LU's committment to her H, Suzet actually offered some valuable insight and advice.

This place never ceases to amaze me. I really wish I could quit it cold turkey (it's like an addiction dammit) because I sure as heck have better things to do with my time but seeing LU get dumped on for this really ticks me off.

{{{{LU}}}}

I never said you told him..
I understand you never told him..

it is YOU that is applying the word love in present tense to someone who you have no idea really is or has become...

that is what alarms me..

the you think you love him..when you don't know him..nor does he know you....

ARK

I keep coming back becauses it pisses me off as well.

Most of you have been in my shoes at some point in your life. What was I supposed to do just pretend the call never took place and lie to my husband about why I was upset or unnerved? That would be really great for my recovery.

Instead I have been honest with my husband about my feelings and afterwards we made love.

That is alot better than holding my feelings in and letting them fester. Sweep it under the rug.

Oh for God's sake, her post deserved nothing beyond "knock it off." This is a grown, capable woman who has full control of her feelings. This is not her first such "dilemma;" she wrote me the EXACT SAME THING, almost word for word about another guy a few weeks ago. And here she is again.

If you want to roll out a pity party, be my guest. But she is a capable, grown up woman who should know better, especially after her own H's affair.

The bottom line is that she knows these feelings are inappropriate, yet she continues to engage them by participating in converstations that breed such inappropriateness. And to that I say, KNOCK IT OFF.

I take this statement as you impling I told him I loved him. That is hardly the case.

I did exactly what I have learned to do here and with my MC. I was honest with my husband and shared how I was feeling about the call with him.

What is the big deal. The rest of it really does not matter as long as me or the ex boyfriend never acts on it.

[/quote]

Oh for God's sake, her post deserved nothing beyond "knock it off." This is a grown, capable woman who has full control of her feelings. This is not her first such "dilemma;" she wrote me the EXACT SAME THING, almost word for word about another guy a few weeks ago. And here she is again.

If you want to roll out a pity party, be my guest. But she is a capable, grown up woman who should know better, especially after her own H's affair.

The bottom line is that she knows these feelings are inappropriate, yet she continues to engage them by participating in converstations that breed such inappropriateness. And to that I say, KNOCK IT OFF. [/quote]

Ya know ML, I thought you offered your email in your sig line so if someone needed to speak with you in private it would in deed be private.

Thanks for sharing private emails between the two of us with everyone else on this board.

What are you impling with your statement that "here I go again"?

Yes I am a grown woman as are you. I come here for guidence. I will let you know when I become expert like your self in recovery.

By the way I am not participating in conversation's that breed inappropriateness. The first guy you keep refering to was a builder for the real estate company I work for. I let him know that I was happily married and his advances were inappropriate.

This ex boyfriend and I had 1 phone conversation last night in 13 years. I doubt I will hear from him again.

Hey,
This is NO different then wanting our WS's to be honest .....with feelings, times, whatever.

However,
if you Punish someone long enough for being Honest, they soon will STOP being so.

So she has Feelings for some OLD Boyfriend.
OK, it happens.

Give her Credit for bringing it to Light .......and then Help her Move away from those feelings as you would any WS.

Gotta use the carrot as well as the stick.

I'd rather someone be Open then guarded ....otherwise, they can't get Help as the whole story (or most) never come out.

By the way GBH ....calm down, it won't help to argue, ...you'll just make yourself upset.
(Too late there, huh??)

LU, you know very well what I mean by "here we go again." I have never told anyone about the situation you emailed me about until you openly posted a thread about it today. It was you that brought this out in the open so there is no reason for folks not to know that you went through this exact same thing a few short weeks ago.

Surely you don't think its appropriate to come here asking for help hiding that truth?

Dear LU,

I was lurking over here a bit and saw this thread. I wanted to share a little bit of insight that your Enneagram type might give you in this situation. If I remember right, you are a Two. I suspect you are an Intimate, One-to-One, or Sexual Two. They are the most likely to put out "I could be your sweetheart" vibes without even realizing it (seriously...it's a sexual undertone that they are TOTALLY unaware of). Knowing this about yourself, if it's true, could be very important in your future.

My sister is this type, everyone in the family would agree and it would take her months of therapy to see it. I can't "see" you, so I don't know if you are really like this, but it's just a hint I get from your writing...mainly because of the deep jealousy you felt over the OW. Believe me...all types feel the jealously, but the Intimate subtype REALLY feels it! It causes almost a rageful feeling to come up in them at times. Twos are very possessive and being an Intimate Two is like being a "double" Two. I am also an Intimate subtype and I have a very strong Two wing.

I think it's great that you told your H about this phone call. I think it's also important to know why you did it. Would you like him to feel jealous...possibly as jealous as you do? It's okay if you do...it's just important to recognize that and tell yourself the truth about it. I know that you did it because of MB policies, but there might be an underlying reason there that is important for you to notice about yourself. Twos tend to not really know themselves very well. They hide their heads in the sand about their own motives. They often choose to believe that their motives are selfless even when they aren't. No big deal...just something to have an awareness of. The policy of being open and honest needs to extend to ourselves, too, and not just to our partners.

This situation could deepen your compassion for how your H found himself in this affair mess! If you could embrace that part of yourself, that dark part, that knows that you are capable of an affair or even just tempted. I've had that opportunity to see that in myself...just a little glimpse of how easy it would be and it truly helped me to empathize with how my H got himself into these messes. It was all a lack of integrity, but I still understood more after my personal experiences. Sometimes we project the unwanted and undesirable parts of ourself onto our partners. If we can see those very things in ourselves, we can have compassion on ourselves and our partners and see just how human we all really are. We can also be more thankful that we and our partners have chosen to be in the relationship we are in, in spite of previous failures.

By the way, I don't think you'd be very human if some sparks didn't fly with an old boyfriend. Why wouldn't they? It just isn't something you have to act on. You can simply observe it, which it seems is what you are doing.

I hope you don't feel any judgement from my observations about Twos and from what I know of your situation from a few months ago. I have a tendency to come across that way, but it's not my intention. I just want to encourage you to use this situation to grow, both for yourself and your marriage.

Best wishes.

Stillwed

The thread I posted today has nothing to do with what I shared with you thru private emails. It is to totally diferent situations. You were the one that brought up the private emails.

I am not hiding any truths. I came here being very honest. I think my honesty is a point that GBH and Tope Rope are trying to point out.

Why would I lie to people I do not even know? I have nothing to hide from you people. You do not even know me.

You should not have posted about the private emails period. Even if I had shared them here. It was not your place to share them or the fact that we discussed it privately.

The situation you described above is EXACTLY what you told me in private a few weeks ago. Ver batim. In fact, that is what I thought when I first responded. You brought it in the open on this thread yourself.

I don't ever intentionally divulge the details about my private email correspondence, but I honestly thought this was the SAME situation, because you said the EXACT same things here that you did there.

Given that this just happened with another guy a few weeks ago, don't you feel you have an obligation to be honest about that with these people since you are asking their advice?

They can't very well help you with this if you hide pertinent details, and a PATTERN is very much a pertinent detail.

If you aren't willing to be honest with the folks here that this is a pattern, then you are NOT being honest, and you shouldn't expect me to help you in that regard. It is not "my place" to help you deceive others about an obvious pattern, so no, I was not out of line in sharing this.

Stillwed,

Thanks for your post. All that you have said about me is true. I do recognize how my husband could have an affair. I am also aware of how easy it would be for me to have an affair.

That is why I am so honest here and with my husband now, because I know my weakness.

I will post to you more later I am leaving work heading home.

"The sparks were still there. We could both feel them."

I'm curious, did you talk about the sparks?

My husband got an email from an old girlfriend last January. Now, I am a BS.

He never intended anything to happen.

He hadn't seen her in 25 years.

They started chatting.

They met to 'talk'

I am a BS.

I think a lot of us read your post and thought OMG, RUN FOR THE HILLS, especially when you followed up the sparks with your resentment.

It is too easy to act on good feelings.

Maybe planning ahead with a positive idea that should he call back, you'll thank him for the call, but get off the phone ASAP.

I hope you work out the resentment. I don't know your situation. Are you in IC. I know that is one thing we work on in my IC sessions.

blessings to you

I do not see a pattern. The first situation was not a few weeks ago it was several months ago. If you still have the emails go back and check the date. And yes I did post here of the first situation. Anyone can go back and look at that.

I came here right before Christmas and posted that the builder gave me a $100 gift from Victoria Secret. I shared it with my husband and with MBer's and I did what was suggested for me to do i returned.

What they did not know is that you and I had shared privately about the situation. It was not your place to share that.

I have been on this board for oh about 18 months. We have been in true recovery for about 11 months. I have had two situations that have alot in common. I went to my husband and came here and shared both of them. I have not acted on either.

I did not hit on the first man you are refering to nor did I call the second so I hardly see a pattern.

I may come here to get support to keep me from doing things I should not but what is wrong with that?

Until further notice EVERYONE posting to this thread is in time out. I will ground you further if necessary.

I have spoken.

Just trying to help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

(That's ok...nobody listens to me at home either.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LU, it was more than being "hit on." You expressed the exact same intense feelings of attraction about that guy that you have for this guy. You described it to me almost verbatim as you did here. I cannot tell the difference.

It is very pertinent that you have had this reaction before and folks need to know this. This is a pattern and there is no reason to hide it.

When it happens more than once, that is a pertinent fact. You will get better support if you tell the ENTIRE story, because the folks will have all of the facts, not just part of them. THAT is being honest.

LiftedUp...

I do think that you are doing the right thing by coming here to discuss these issues...I think alarms just go off in people here because we all know, as you do too, how painful infidelity is for all parties involved...

Remember that a lot is lost in the written word based on individual perceptions of tone...I really and truly believe that people who post here do so because they honestly care...I hope that you can somehow feel and allow yourself to receive some of that caring...the way I see it, with Melody, in particular, is that she wouldn't continue to post to you if she didn't care...in fact, I see her as caring so very deeply that she continues to post even when others seem to want to bash her...still, she presses on...she's here every day...I know you know that, and I'd be willing to bet that you've read many threads where she has been invaluable to so many, myself included...My opinion is that she doesn't care if the box is beautifully gift wrapped...but oh, how very deeply she cares about your receiving the gift that's inside...Does that make any sense?

I think that Pep really nailed the problem dead on in her post about your resentment of your H...I pray for God to give you what you need to let that go...

Just wanted you to know that I care too...

Blessings,

Mrs. Wondering

Please, Please DON'T go there.

The sparks are fantasy, it isn't real. It's based on old history and ancient possibilities. The memories may be fond, but the it does not translate into real feelings.

I speak from real experience here!!!! My affair was with my first love - I pledged to love him, forever - bak in HS and my first year of college. I planned ot marry him, spend my life with him. And then he cheated on me - with my best friend! Broke up with me cause I was to serious, he didn't want to settle down (he was a year older). 1 year later I met my WH and fell in love. Eventually he married my now ex-bestfriend. He contacted me out of the blue, after I joined the 20th Class reunion commitee and his wife got my contact info with her invite to the reunion.

It started as emails, then phone calls, my WH knew - thought it was good for me cause I'd had all kinds of hangups related to this guy and thought it would be good for me to work them out.

I let myself get carried away with my emotions, thought I'd married the wrong guy - really went overboard! And in the process - broke my vows, had a one night stand, and my relationship has been bearing the hurts ever since.

The point is - NOHTING had changed about this man - he was a cheater, a liar and someone I could not trust. And in believing I "loved" him cost me something very dear - the trust of my WH.

Please don't become the other woman. Cut all contact NOW, and tell him you can not talk to him anymore out of respect for yourself and his marriage.

Ok, I did.


You had to have TALKED about it, whether or not you told him you loved him.

What do you think of this? Found out that my wife 0f 29 years had been in contact with her old lover from college days. Dinners, letters, she had his photo. He was also married. It went on for a very, very long time - 20 years. I knew nothing. I was shocked at the discovery and felt betrayed. She insists it was not a PA or EA. She says she doesn't think she betrayed me. They were "just friends." She quickly agreed to NC and sent him a goodbye letter. It's been almost 18 months since DDay and it's still driving me crazy. I'm tired of being depressed. Why can't I shake it? very surprised

LU,

Having resentment for FWS at 11 months is completely normal.

I believe your post shows that you are vulnerable right now and have been in recent months.

Time to step back and do the healthy thing, which you are as far as I can see.

I also had to give up my oldest son for FWS. He would not allow him back in the family. Granted oldest son had and still has major issues, and my H felt he needed to protect the other two children, one of whom was NOT his. I had to respect that, but it still hurt, and there are still issues at this time. I do understand that. However, my FWS had no problem in devastating his own family with ow. My DD could not function at school, did not graduate, but did get her GED, and is doing very well. My middle son, well, he is still struggling, as is my oldest. We have had to do some tough love, and it is slowly working.

You are not the only one that has resentment. But it just is, and there is nothing you can do about what is already done. Blessings and prayers for your son, just let him know how much you love him. We cannot change the past but we can have a better future.

You have learned so much, and come so far. Please continue to protect yourself and your marriage. Please be aware that you are vulnerable, and use this time to become closer to your H.

Blessings to you and prayers for your son's recovery.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

"I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him.

The sparks were still there. We could both feel them."

Did you tell your husband this word for word. If you did not you lied to him.

Did you tell your husband that you were in love with this man when you married him?

I am going out on a limb here. Could it be that you love romantic love? That is not love but a fantasy of romance. Think about it. Your current husband swept you off your feet. Yet you say you have always loved first man. Romance plain and simple.

MelodeyLane,

I am calling a truce with you. If that is ok. We can stay here an argue forever and we will not agree. There is nothing wrong with that. I find your way of expressing yourself to me to be offense.

You have been at this for a very long time and I respect you for that. Your marriage is truly recovered and you deserve that.

I have just been at this a short time. I could have had a revenge affair if I wanted to. I will admit I thought about it. I shared here how attractive the builder was to me. I will bet I was mad at my FWH and came here to vent about what I would like to do to get back at him. I came here recognized what was going on and with my husband's support I made sure the guy knew he was being inapporiate.

The exboyfriend's call came out of no where. The things I said here about being in love with him, sparks, etc... were just my words. My feelings. We were in love. I did not end things the way I should have. I did not share these things with him. The conversation was friendly enough and it ended as fast as it started. I will bet that I will never here from him again.

I do not call this a pattern. I do not start up relationships with every man I meet. I am do not fall in love with every man I meet.

I did tell my husband everything. I am sure he did not like to hear it. I am sure he was hurt. We are working thru it.

Susan,

I did not tell the ex-boyfriend these things during our phone conversation. How stupid would that be to tell someone that you loved them the first time you spoke with them in 13 years.

As far as the sparks remark - that is how I felt while I was talking with him. From the way he sounded I assume he was feeling the same. Maybe I was wrong. I did not tell him these things.

We talked about our spouses and what we had done over the 13 years and our children.

LU,

I can see this happening so easily. And I am so sorry for all you've given up.

I remember a "first love" calling me out of nowhere. Only difference was, he was M, and I was not - yet; I hadn't yet met my H. We talked for a long time. And then he wanted to see me. And I said yes. And then I thought about it. Mind you this was twenty five years ago. And I thought, what would his W think about that? And, I called him back and cancelled. End of that story.


Fast forward to Dday: Reeling from the devastating news of my H's A, I was flattered by attention paid to me by a colleague. I started to feel attracted. To what? The attention, I think; that a handsome man could find me desirable after I'd had my life pulled out from under me, I guess.Casual banter and flirting were all that went on, until at a conference away from home, someone (not him) asked me the number of my hotel room. When I told them, this man leaned over and whispered to me, "I'll be there later". Whoa. Stop. This man was M, 2 kids. Suddenly, I was struck with disgust. How could he say that to me? How would his W feel?

LU, as the others have said, you are so vulnerable right now. You have to guard your heart. If you are going to stay M, you need to protect that M. Your H failed at that. So did mine. They are picking up the pieces of their failure. For the rest of their lives they have to live with what they did. You do not need this on your soul.

Thank you for your kind words. They have touched me like no other in the thread. I will protect my heart & my soul. I told my husband last night I hated what his affair has done, things will never be the same. I am thankful that I am not the cause of that pain and I will not be the cause of that pain for another.

And.I forgot this before: I think this "old flame" will call you again . And, if/when he does, you must tell him that, while it was nice catching up on old times, you are M, and he shouldn't call you again. And, then tell your H what you did.

And, if he doesn't call, thank God that you've dodged that bullet!

Let me just give a word of warning also. As a FWW, I never planned to have an A. It was just talking. Guess what, they always start that way. You think you have it all under control and you KNOW that you won't let it get anywhere. Guess what? You're wrong. Does that mean that men & women can't be friends? I don't know but I can tell you from experience, I don't have any male friends that I talk to without my husband (or their spouse) there. Not because I don't trust myself (or him) but out of respect for my H.

It doesn't matter who called whom first. It doesn't matter if you had thoughts that you shared with him or not. The fact is, you thought them and felt them. Those are warning signs.

It's great that you shared with your husband and the MB'ers but you also need to be honest to yourself.

Instead of running FROM this guy, try running TO your husband.

Okay Lifted Up. I am opening Pandora's box. It's time to get honest.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...true#Post639765

I feel the URGE........
#639765 - 12/17/04 07:46 AM


I was married before at the early at of 18. We were together 7 years and had a son. The marriage was bad and I was a WW. I have never admitted it to anyone. After going thru this in my second marriage I cannot beleive the pain I caused my first husband. If he knew he never said.

When I met my second husband I knew I loved him from the start. After we were married beinging faithful was never a question for me. Having an affair never crossed my mind until now.

I have been have in urge to look for someone to have an affair with. I want the excitment it brings. I know why it is an addiction. I want all of that.

I want to get even.

I did have affairs in my first marriage. If my first husband ever knew I did not know. I know the devastion it can cause. In my first marriage I was very young and thought that it was no big deal.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2704876

Do I tell my FWH about Married Man...?
#2704876 - 05/12/05 09:59 AM

…He joked around about what I was going to be doing today since I would be here alone. He mentioned lunch. I am not dumb, he was flirting. I prayed about if I should tell my FWH. I went home and told him.

Was I wrong in telling him? Should I have just handled it on my own? I was scared that if I did not tell him it might be fun just dabbling with this guy. I know it is wrong but it is flattering to know that someone has noticed me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are just two examples that I found in your old posts. As BS's we have a sixth sense about these things. As ML stated, there is a pattern here and you are a FWS. Stop bullshitting us.

Check please!

LiftedUp,

The above is a quote from your post.

Shattered05,

What is your point? I have been honest. Anyone can go back and read what you have pulled. I am sure there is more of the same in my posts.

I have been honest here and with my FWH. I have not had an affair in my second marriage of 13 years but yes I have thought about it. I have already said that.

I missed this the first time I read your post.

Yes I was a FWS in my first marriage. I have not tried to hide that fact. It is posted for all to see. That was 20 years ago.

Yes the builder did hit on me. I thought about a revenge affair.

The point is I have been honest here and with my husband. I came here and shared my feelings and I also shared them with my husband. I took the advice here and put into play just as I should have.

In the past 13 years I have thought about having an affair once as I posted. I have not thought of an affair with the exboyfriend. Good Lord, I just got a phone call two days ago. We discussed what had been going on in our lives for the past 13 years. We did not discuss having an affair.

Yes the phone call stirred up feelings. If it is a pattern , I came here and shared with you and my husband. I have not acted on those feelings.

I shared those things with you guys and my husband. Not to him in the phone conversation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The fact is I have come here and to my husband and been open an honest. I have not tried to hide anything.

If my FWH had shared with me his feelings and what was going on at church with the OW we may not be where we are today.

LU,

Sorry that I was mistaken. I interpreted that post to mean that you told this old former BF that you were in still in love with him and think of him often! I hope you can understand now why I was so concerned about your behavior and commented in the way I did.

Still, I am concerned about you. Just as it is hard work for a WS to earn back trust, it is hard work for a BS to work through resentment. It seems to me that there are events from your pre-marriage past that you have not yet worked through and let go of. Do you think that this is true? Do you think that this may be hindering your personal recovery and/or marital recovery? If so, do you think that you need professional help to resolve this?

I have worked very hard since my husbands affair on my personal recovery. I have also worked very hard on not becoming the WS as I did in my first marriage. We both held lost of resentments towards each other. We have been in MC for quite some time.
We have recently stopped going because the MC felt we were ready.

I have thought about my ex-boyfriend over the years. Since the affair I would compare that relationship with the one that I had with my FWH. The resentment re-surfaced after the phone call from the ex.

I shared that phone call with my husband and all my posts here. We are very honest with each other now. I am sure he is hurt by my feelings. We are working thru them.

You people here have thrown me in the fire much faster than he has. It was just a phone call. Once that I did not make. I doubt I will ever hear from the ex again.

If you go back and look my husbands affiar was with a woman that we went to church with. So I have had to deal with resentments, anger etc.. even toward God.

It's been busy at work the last couple of days or I would've answered your answer sooner. A couple of things: (1) The Sad Saga of Other Susan the Stupid starts on page 9 on the feminine hygiene products thread, at least the way my computer numbers them. From there it meanders around for quite awhile, sometimes going off-track briefly, but you could follow it fairly easily by just skipping what isn't part of the Saga. (2) I have no idea what the problem was with the email account, unless you don't have one already. That address is just your dull, run-of-the-mill, average and ordinary yahoo account, with nothing special about it at all. When Lemonman and I exchanged some emails in the past, he used that account, and it's hard for me to imagine he had to set up something special in order to do so. You could also try sportkanga@yahoo.com, although why that one would work if the other didn't would also be beyond my ability to explain.

t&l

LiftedUp -

It takes courage to come here and tell your story - I for one see it as a tremendously good thing that you told you husband. Only with honesty can you deal with this and put it behind you.

Dealing with the hurt and pain of his affair is hard - I know too well the mistrust, the hurt, the anger and betrayl. It takes time, it takes love, and it takes the willingness to stick it out even when the hurt seems to much to bear. You can get to the other side.

Blessings - Jan

I am only trying to work thru lots of dificult feelings. It is not easy to come here and pour out my heart just to have people beat up on me. I try to be kind and take peoples feelings in to consideration here. You can be nice and still get a point across.

Thank you for your kind words.

MRSWONDERING.
I was reading through this thread and I would
very much like to read your story. (And learn from it.)

Could you post your Marriage Board thread http:
address here; with your journey from past to present
on into recovery?

Thank you very much
Mary