I have neither the desire nor interest to engage in a territory-marking contest with any other poster, so I'm not going to directly answer you here. If you have the patience to find it, you can wade through the Pool of Introspection over on the "feminine hygiene" thread, and read The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid. The Saga is my life story, and although the paths travelled were different than yours, the root cause was similar enough. I'm certainly not telling the story again, and if you don't want to track the Saga down (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't--it's a long thread), my email address is at the bottom of this post, and I will be glad to "discuss" with you how you can not just get past this, but get over it as well. Good luck. You can do it.

t&l

Lifted Up, I will not bash you but just gently remind you that sometimes the toughest love we get from others is the best. I know it hurts but eventually you will appreciate the vantage point from which it comes. Being both a FWW and a BS as well as a fairly young Christian I can tell you it was all given with a big dose of love.

Thank you! I will receive that.

It is all in how you go about giving that big dose of love.

I am interested in what you have to say. I glanced thru the thread but really do not have the time to look at it. I tried to email but it tells me I have to set up an email accout.

GBH, no one "beat up" on LU or took a "morally superior status. I think you are a little too anxious to turn her into a victim and she is no such thing.

Folks on this forum communicate in the way that suits them and certainly, that won't suit every person, but that is ok. The bottom line is she heard something she didn't like and took offense and attacked. Only she has control over that. I would also point out that lecturing others about their style is exceptionally sanctimonious and arrogant so perhaps you should practice what you preach?


I don't see anyone who really wants help being "scared off." If they are so easily scared off, then they didn't want "help" in the first place.

Pardon me,
Slight TJ here LU:


The issue of this thread aside:

Your above statement is IMO not Entirely Fair & one I would disagree with.

For good or Bad, not Everyone is as tough minded/willed as you are.

People CAN be chased away.
Sad but true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't hold LU in this category .....but when I was New (and a very first TIME Ever --- user of any type of board or Chat member) ........I was very timid and could have been run off with a FEW well placed kicks to the head/heart.

[Easy now, NOT saying that This is what is occurring here].
Just commenting on your general statement.

In fact there was some jerk*off (who eventually got banned from the MBer board himself) that kept me away for quite awhile, with his Initial posts to me.
He kind of freaked me out in the beginning, and so I stayed away.

I think most people are very very emotional when they first come, and if NOT given at least some supportive comments (and NO NOT for continuing any type of A) .....but just at least being heard, hopefully understood ....and perhaps valued and validated ....will Leave.

Indeed,
there is a certain percentage (that once that happens) will say "been there, NO HELP to be found" and NOT come back.

Alright, enough of my babble.

OK, back to you LU!

top rope, I think its real important to remember that we don't have control over who stays here and who doesn't. Some people are scared off by anything, others wouldn't leave no matter what. The essential point is that it is a personal choice. And we are always responsible for our own choices.

I don't see that WS' receive harsh treatment here, any more than anyone else. I see more BS receive 2x4's than anyone else. And they don't run off crying when it happens.

So I don't believe for a minute that one that really wants help would allow themselves to chased off. Wild horses couldn't chase off someone who was really serious.[I see that you are still here, btw] If they do, then shame on them. But it is still, their choice.

Top rope,

I know that you are not taking my side on the subject.

With that said, your attitude in what you say to someone really makes a difference. Maybe I am soft hearted but I get my feelings hurt quite a bit here. I do not know why I keep comming back for more. I lurk a whole lot more than I post.

I do come here looking for answers on how to handle certain situation's. I usaully get slammed. But I had thru all of this to become very think skinned.

LU:

If you read my initial post ......I believe you were misunderstood in what you "meant" to say.

Now,
sure you Can be blamed for not expressing yourself more clearly ....But I believe I know where you were actually going with your thought.

However,
I totally understand where the dissenters are coming from on this.
This was an easy one to Miss your intent.

To be clear,
I again commend you for not only coming here but going to your H Immediately.

Its out of your control what "pops" in your mind ......its totally another what you decide to play with and let get out of control.

I believe you did the right thing though, since you were ON Here .......phessing Up the very next day!!

Please Stay Just a Vigilant (as I think you ARE vulnerable right NOW).

THIS ~~~> [color:"blue"] What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him. [/color] <~~~

is the actual problem

Recovery is not "fine" if it is resentment heavy.

I came here to share a phone call I received from an old boyfriend. We talked for about 10 minutes. I shared taht I had been happily married for 13 years and had one child. He shared that he had been married two years. He said his daughter had just gotten married about 1 year ago. She was 7 when we met.

I shared the phone call with my husband and how it made me feel. I then came here and shared and I got slammed. I knew I would. Most of you reacted worse than my husband. It really makes it hard to come here.

Lighten up on how you treat people. I did not ask for your blessing and I do not need it.

You guys have accused me of having an affair with a man I have not seen in 13 years. I will bet that I will not ever hear from him again.

Just for the record I am happily married and in recovery. I have made a decision to stay in my marriage and do all I could to correct what I have done wrong.

Sacrificing is bad for the relationship. Sacrificing is anti-POJA.

I think some really good marital counseling is in order... Harleys are numero uno .... give them a call.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

for review LiftedUp .... you need a refresher

Quoting Harley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational. And when a spouse comes to me with unresolved feelings of resentment about something their spouse did in the past, I tend to put it on hold and focus on issues that prevent mistakes of the past from recurring. I ask them to trust my judgment, and see what happens to the resentment when the marriage has a chance to become fulfilling. In almost every case, resentment fades, as I predicted. While the painful memories are not entirely forgotten, the most recent marital experiences which are fulfilling and enjoyable, dominate a person's thinking, and resentment becomes weak and infrequent.

Agreed, that is a Huge Issue .....hence her being vulnerable.

Thinking Is where "it all" begins.

But I want to give her some credit, for admitting and "outing" herself for Thinking these thoughts about this guy.
Cause if she wasn't serious about doing right, she'd have kept all this to herself.

Hey,
Someone calling out of the Blue ......well to me that Equals an out of your hands Trigger.

And to me,
Its HOW you deal with that trigger, that is the key (cause they ARE Everywhere).

Now if she's still Obsessing in Feb or March .....then Yes, 2 x 4 away.
But after ONE DAY and With it being totally unexpected??
<shrugs shoulders>
That's just a bit much for me.

If others don't concur, that's OK too.

Pepperband,

The resentment has surfaced since the phone call. I came here asking what I should do now. Most people took the question "What should I do now?" as if I were asking for there permission to have an affair with this man. That is not the case.

Thank you for offering a suggestion on how to deal with the resentment.

My husband an I are doing very well in recovery. We are in MC. I have not shared the phone call with the MC but I have shared it all with my husband and we will share it with the MC together. None of this is a secret to him.

I agree that sacrificing is bad for a relationship. We did not learn that until after the affair.

It has been a huge trigger and brought up alot of feels, good and bad, that I thought were in my past.

I told my husband first and then I came here thinking I would get a little support. But we don't always get what we want.

If in a month I am hoping he will call me back and keeping those feelings a secret from my husband I think I will have a problem. Until then I will just keep myself aware of the situation.

I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

these words are huge red flags...

I have concern for anyone who uses the word love samely applicable from ten plus years ago to a person they haven't seen or have any idea about in years...in my opinion it diminishes the real meaning of love..which is not a feeling but actions....

it is very alarming..
it is alarming to other BS whose WS are engaging and using this language...for a BS to come and speak these words....

it is alarming to me for the word love to be used or even thought applicable to present time and day....alsmot disrespectful...

he is married presently and I love him presently.....even though I have no idea who he is today...

this is not meant to be mean..
this is me musing and picking your post apart outloud...

your husband should be very concerned that you apply the word love to present day phone call....

you should be alarmed as well..

ARK

I have said it many time in this post and I will say it again -

I DID NOT TELL THE OLD BOYRIEND ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

I said those these here. I was angry this morning. Those were my feelings after the phone call.

G back and read the post. I did not say in my post that I told the old boyfriend these things.