Hi
I wanted to start out by thanking all the MB friends that I have made. Without the people here that have helped me I would not be writing this same letter.
I have posted here since DDay of May 05. Not a long time for many veterans here, but a long time in my world. I came here in May in utter shambles. I did not want to live, I was nothing, had nothing, and wanted nothing. I lost my best friend, husband, lover, parent and myself too.

I defined my entire life by our marriage. I was their mother, his wife, his friend, his lover. That was it, simple but true. Coming from a past of severe sexual abuse and physical abuse, I did not know anything else. He married a scarred, battered, suicidal, worthless, grieving for the loss of a parent, lonely teenager. I was 18 he was 34. In retrospect, he was the father I never knew. My real father passed away when I was 3. My H became a parent of me. Sad, but true.

I did not know how to love. I did not know how to trust. I had walls built up so high, that it was like the Great Wall in China. My FWH took me in and made me his wife. He chose me and I began to see that not everyone was out to hurt me. He made me feel like life was worth living. The MB’s have done that also. When Dday happened I received a lot of advice. I chose to ignore some, and keep my wall that had reappeared up, but began working on me. I went to IC, on AD’s, etc. But I never truly got it. I plan A’ed with FWH until I lost what plan A was all about. I spent the whole time doing for him. Never really for me, as I did not like me and thought that me was not worth anything. How could I be, I was still scarred and couldn’t keep him happy, so I once again was worthless.

I did however take the advice to work on the abuse. It has been utter h3ll most of the time. I hated the little abused girl inside of me for being weak; I even went so far as to blame HER for all of this. When my IC was telling me to hold her, comfort her, and incorporate her into who I have become, I instead kept on hating her. I also, began to even despise my FWH. Even though I thought that I had learned to love and trust, I had not. I had learned to be whatever he wanted me to be, whatever pleased him, whomever he would love.

I spent the last 17 years of my marriage doing just that. I was always the giver to the extreme, which actually caused him to want more and more. I became the enabler. So on the day that he “chose” to have his A and the entire 2 years of his LTA, I still gave the same amount, and she gave him the more he wanted. And even after Dday, I still kept right on giving and enabling him. His LB was filling to the over-full point, and mine was in the negative all along. If I think enough about it, I should have been the WS. My EN have not been met in the least.

So, now for the last month, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to find out who I truly am. In the process, I have been lost a few times. Missing key elements, and then slowly finding it along the way. It has been right in front of my eyes and I chose not to see it. I can be whoever I want to be. I chose to be a mother, and I feel that I am a wonderful one at that. I am a caring and helpful person. I am weak at times and I am now ok with that. The little girl is part of the whole picture. I cope with things different than people who have not been abused, but I still cope. I will get through the thick and thin, tough and easy. I do love myself now for the first time in my life.

This past week, FWH and I have spent time talking. Truly talking about the M, the A, my issues, and his issues. We are both hurting and I understand this. I hurt from the past, the A, and from years of neglect from him. He hurts from his previous 2 marriages, his A, and my falling out of love with him.

This morning, I let down my wall. I put it all out on the table. I am so raw, that it hurts just to sit and type these words. I asked him if he would contest if I filed for D. He said no. I asked why. He said if that is what I wanted, then he would not fight me; he wanted me to be happy. This is the first truly giving thing he has done for me in many years. He is willing to let me go so that I will be happy. I took off my wedding rings on Dday. They were broken in my mind. He continued to wear his. I asked why. He told me that he loves me and wants to be married to me. I explained to him that in my mind, when the two of us became three on his “choice”, the circle of unity between a husband and wife were broken, the rings are broken. So I removed his ring from his finger.

Now before anyone goes on to attack my actions, hear me out. When he had his A, it was his choice and not mine. I cannot change him; I cannot make him do anything he does not want to do. It has always been about his needs and his wants getting filled. I removed the ring for myself, not for him. He has the choice to listen to me, understand me, and love me. He can choose to deposit into the LB or continue to seek out getting his needs met without thinking about me. He can choose to put the ring on by himself and meet his own needs from this point on. I will not be a doormat any more. I am raw, I am exposed, I have no walls to protect me, and the little girl is out there for him to see. I have chosen to try to love him, be his wife, his friend, his lover. I will give it all I have. He has a choice once again, and I am hoping with all that is left that this time he chooses the M. We either enter into this new phase called Reconciliation on even terms this time, or we walk away knowing we did all that each of us could and it just isn’t meant to be.

Sorry this was soooo long. I hope that anyone who reads this will now give advice on where to go from here. This is virgin territory for me and any help would be a blessing. Criticism is also welcomed, but I might remind you, please do it with kindness. Thank you again.
JE

Justempty,

Good luck in your new journey, I am not an expert, but welcome. I have had excellent advice from MelodyLane, Orchid, Longhorn, Mortarman, JustLearning, and many others all who have a uniique, but similar story, from both sides. These experts will help you and your H more than you can ever believe. The journey is long and arduous, but from some of the posts I've read, well worth the trip.

Again welcome and good luck. I wish you all the best in your situation.

Eagle,
Thank you, and I am hoping with all hope that it is well worth the trip too.
JE

man, justempty. I'm sorry. Your post made me cry. I wasn't strong enough to give up, though. I know I could never make it without my FWH. He may not be wayward anymore, but later...who knows. He still doesn't seem to feel obliged to help me heal, still insists he did nothing wrong...(EA)whatever. Sometimes I wonder how I go on to survive each day. Just him refusing to validate the pain he has caused me is killing me. It makes you re-evaluate your entire world. Sometimes I wish I'd taken your way.

wish I'd been stronger... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JustEmpty - I think you will be just fine, no matter which way the story ends. Once you realize that you are worthy, your life will be good. Blessings to you.

Monica- I am not advocating my way, trust me. I did what I had to do. I did many things wrong, but in the end I am giving him my soul handed on a platter. He can choose to throw me to the curb. But if he does, the MB's here and I will pick up the peices, and I will know I did all I could. Please keep strong. You will hear this over and over, and it took me months to hear it...YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM...you can change you. You can be strong, you WILL be strong.
Giving up isnt the strong thing to do!! I was a coward, I blamed myself, and hid where I knew was my safe zone. In doing that, I have spent months being a zombie sometimes.
I have just started to heal, and have quite a journey ahead of me. I will walk this with you if you like.

Believer- you have always been there for me, from the first posts. I am forever in your debt. I know in my heart that if he chooses to be selfish and push me away, that you my dear will always be there to pick me up, dust me off, and give me a great big hug. I am hoping to be the kind of person you are. I just wish I could return the favor to you someday. Thank you

JE

Monica wrote: Your post made me cry. I wasn't strong enough to give up, though. I know I could never make it without my FWH. He may not be wayward anymore, but later...who knows. He still doesn't seem to feel obliged to help me heal, still insists he did nothing wrong...(EA)whatever. Sometimes I wonder how I go on to survive each day. Just him refusing to validate the pain he has caused me is killing me. It makes you re-evaluate your entire world. Sometimes I wish I'd taken your way.

My H still insists that he did nothing wrong, that I ruined the love we had. It would help so much if they would just acknowledge the pain they've caused. Also, will they always be a FWH or will someday it become a current A again. I'm constantly worried about this, and question everything in our life as a result. How does a person go on like this??

JE -
I was a complete basket case when I came here. In fact I thought the advice here was completely CRAZY. I used to post on a different site, but dropped by here to check on things.

What I saw was marriages being saved, and people healing without their spouse, over and over.

You are already helping people here in the midst of your own pain. Folks like that always do just fine.

sutherlandgirl, it's a matter of the lost trust. How we can ever give it back is a mystery to me. I'm not sure I can have faith that he'll refrain from doing those things which hurt me so bad...in the future. If they wont accept that they've hurt us, how can they keep from doing it later on?Like I said, sometimes I wish I'd taken Justempty's way. Maybe I could have begun to move on by now.

BTW, Justempty, thanks for offering your support, girl. I take it like a hug, a desperately needed hug. I've been trying to drown it all out with vodka (which hasn't and doesn't work) unfortunately I'm afraid I may have developed an addiction over these last few months. It's been like a fifth every 2 days. I don't get wasted or anything, I just stay lightly buzzed ALL DAY...thinking it will help (which it never does, only seems to give me suicidal thoughts)Even still, I hope I don't need a 12 step program, or anything now. Of course he'll accept no accountability for THAT either...sigh...

Sutherland and Monica,
I am so sorry for your current situations. When the WS or FWS are in the fog or even sometimes coming out of the fog they do and say hurtful things. I am not justifying what they do, just stating the facts. However, you as BS's need to remember, that along with the A and the fog, is also the withdrawl that the WS feel when going NC with the OP. DO not take them for face value at this time.
You need to remember to put your best foot forward, do a complete plan A and do it right, not the way I did it. You should move to plan B before all your love for your WS is gone. I did not do this per say. I did a crappy plan A by losing the path of what plan a was all about, and because of it I lost even more than that. I was wrong, but have learned from my mistakes.
My FWH now I think does know the pain he caused to some extent. He never thought of me as a friend during the entire 17 years of our marriage. I was HIS wife. His issues stem from 2 previous marriages, with his first wife cheating on him, so he is actually a BS too. I think in some way I ended up being the punching bag for what his exFWW did to him. I dont think he has ever healed from that.

So with that in mind, please even if you FWS's do not help you heal, do it anyway. For yourself and your kids. You owe that to you and to the kids. Your strength, your healing. You are to work on you to show them how you have changed too.

Does that help?

not to hijack your thread. I'll start a new onw if you'd like.

NO monica, you are fine keep posting, keep on healing

Believer-
"What I saw was marriages being saved, and people healing without their spouse, over and over."
I also posted elsewhere and have gotten great work with the abuse stuff too. But here is where my heart has always been, but my darn brain kept blocking me..lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Monica-
"BTW, Justempty, thanks for offering your support, girl. I take it like a hug, a desperately needed hug. I've been trying to drown it all out with vodka (which hasn't and doesn't work) unfortunately I'm afraid I may have developed an addiction over these last few months. It's been like a fifth every 2 days. I don't get wasted or anything, I just stay lightly buzzed ALL DAY...thinking it will help (which it never does, only seems to give me suicidal thoughts)Even still, I hope I don't need a 12 step program, or anything now. Of course he'll accept no accountability for THAT either...sigh... "

I will add here that I have been there done that!! It truely doesnt help. Plus, you need to remember one thing here:
You are accountable for what happens to you
You are special and loved here by many.
I will help you.
I used drugs and alcohol daily in my teens. Lived on the streets. I have lots of experience in many areas, but am by no means an expert. I just have the unfortunate experiences that I have , and the mistakes I have made along the way to learn from. That is what I was saying earlier to you and sutherland. I make many mistakes along the way. I fumble, I faulter, and I even cause myself harm. But I finally after 35 years LOVE ME!!
From sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse, living in a home where I never heard "I love you" once as a child, drugs and alcohol, attempted suicide, to marrying a very selfish and wounded soul, to being able to finally let it go a little, look up and see some light at the end of the tunnel.
This came about by :
1. Accepting that I cannot change anyone, not him, not you, not even my kids. I can influence, but I cannot change them.
2. His choices were HIS CHOICES.
3. My coping mechanisms are not perfect, but they are part of me.
4. No matter how many times I fail or faulter, I will rise above it.
5. I LOVE ME, to many this seems silly, but I am sure alot of people get that. No matter the outcome of all of this, I am who I am. I accept that and I love it.


Monica- consider yourself bear hugged. To admit that and post it, takes courage. It took alot to do that and I admire you for it. Please dont try to drown you sorrows, you need to feel them and own them. They are yours, and with help you can shoulder them. But if you try to drown them, they will come back and bite you right in the butt. That is what my abuse did to me. I used alcohol and drugs to drown out my feelings, and on DDAy it bit me hard.
It works for a short time, but you now need to put it aside, take a stand and be who you can be. With or without your FWH
All the MB's here will help you along the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Monica-
How are you doing this am? Thought I would check in on you.
JE

thanks justempty. I'm ok so far. I finally let my H drive HIMSELF to work for the first time in months and he came home after about 3 hours. I know we need the $, but since his EA involved girls at work, the less time he spends there, the better (for me). He said he wasn't feeling good. See, I have been driving him to work, going for his lunch, and picking up after work ever since the middle of October, when I FOUND OUT. Today, however, I told him to just go ahead and take the van, just to see how he'd do...if he'd be late...etc. And he comes home EARLY! -What a relief!
Anyway, I know that drinking doesn't help, even though you try to lie to yourself about that when you're aching for a shot. But, hey! it's almost 11, and I've only had a couple of swallows! (normally, I'm on it by 9 am)
Like I said, I don't get drunk, but drinking hard liquor is especially dangerous for me. I used to abuse advil of all things, and it ate an ulcer in my stomach the size of my thumb. It ended up perforating & I needed emergency surgery & almost bled to death. Now I have a patch sewn to my stomach lining, and have been advised that alcohol could cause it to re-perforate. So, you see, vodka is really bad for me. I wish I could keep that in mind when I'm downing that crap...And you're right. I can't do this to myself. I have a 4 year old little girl and a 13 year old little girl, both of whom love and need me.
it's just really hard most of the time...

well, I think I'm doing rather well. It's 2:18 and I haven't had but a few swigs.
How are you doing today? You ok? What you're going through must be so tough.
I hope I'm able to help you, as well. Send me an email anytime if you need one, and my yahoo is monicalcummings if you can't get me here, I can sometimes be found there, playing euchre...

On a side note, I took my H to a concert friday night (for his birthday). It was Sevendust w/4 other bands at a local 2-story club. GREAT show, but HERE'S the kicker: Jada Pinkett-Smith's band was one of the opening acts. You know...pretty red carpet girl, JADA, Will Smith's wife. Well, as it turns out, she's the frontman, er, woman, of Wicked Wisdom, a flippin' HARD CORE HEAVY METAL group. They were TOO MUCH! Awesome band! VERY heavy. She was a bad-a** to the CORE! It absolutely blew my mind to see her up there like that. THEN, we look across the room to see Will Smith sitting at a table bobbing his head in time to the music! I was like " no way, you HAVE to be kidding me" so after her band was done we passed him on the stairs and met him. He was very cordial. I was going on and on about how his ol" lady rocks a**, and he was all "thanks alot, it means a lot to her. This is her heart's calling" He was very sweet, shook my H's hand, and went on his way.
can u believe it? Freakin Will Smith at a hard-core industrial metal concert!
that seemed to bump my H's mood up a couple of notches...

dang, why doesn't my bio show up on my posts?

Hey monica...
Its a great start, and with 2 dds you will do it. I know you can, others do too...Just think where you would like to be in a year and go for it.
I dont know much about bands, but love will smith...very funny guy. Sounds nice too which is definately a plus.
Hey just knowing you are there and willing to help, helps me alot. I keep saying to myself, I CAN DO THIS, I WILL DO THIS. I think that once I began to trust myself enough to say and mean that, I have been going full steam ahead. But like you, it is one step in front of the other, one day at a time.
FWH actually read my letter above with my asking, and asked questions, and stated that he knows he needs to work on it, but he is so overwhelmed by it all. I do understand that. Here is a kicker too....he signed up with MB!!
I am hoping he can come on here and tell his side of the story, and even hopefully get some help from the FWS. That was a big thing for me today, I had bad news but his good far outweighs anything bad right now.
So I am on a natural high. Feels great.
You will get there and when you do look out world!!
(((((((((((((monica))))))))))))))))