Oh forgot to add, I cant even figure out how to quote people, so I dont know how to fix bios, that is definately for the veterans...lol

Go to top of thread see where it says My Home? Click that and look in there you can set it up there.

Monica-
How are you? Havent heard from ya in a few and wanted to check.....
I need to hear from you!! Are you ok?
JE

JE,

You said
There won't be any pieces JE. You are a whole adult human being now. You may hurt, but you will NOT break into pieces. I am hoping that your H sees what you have offered him. It seems to me your offer is for him to be married to an adult woman. A woman that would and could love him IF he chooses to love her.

The counceling has done you a lot of good and you have come a long way. Keep going, and maybe, just maybe your H will decide to travel with you through life. But, no matter what you are on your trip and I suspect your trip will have many more highs than lows now.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL,
I feel that I have grown so much in the past few months. Things that were big and seemed so important, just dont carry the same weight anymore. I constantly find myself taking a step back and weighing the options and regarding them to my family and current situation. If it threatens the family in anyway, I just say no thanks.
I hope with all my heart that my FWH comes around. He has a long road to his own personal recovery, and I would like to be there for him. He tends to shut me out. He has told me that he thinks that I could find someone better. That he isnt worthy of anyones love. Although the situations are different between his choices and past, and mine the hurt is still the same. Low self esteem, self blaming, minimalizing, disassociation, etc. Those components are all the same and do the same damage.
He has signed on with MB, read the harley books, and does tell me he loves me. I am holding out hope that he, the MB's here, and I can guide him through his recovery. I think he is ready, he is just feeling so overwhelmed and does not know where to start.
I know how much help being here has meant to me and my recovery, I hope he gets the same results, so that in time we both are mature enough to work on the M.
JE

JE,

This may seem odd to you, but now that you are grown <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, you may need to lead him a bit. One of my all time favorite sayings is the following Your H may need some help from you organizing all of the information here and being dumped on him.

I just posted to him earlier, I am sure he is confused and a bit overwhelmed. Some of this he must figure out himself, but if you can help him with the organization aspects of it, I have a feeling he may be a quick study. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Hey, JE. I'm ok, just haven't had too much time, and I have a monster cold. (hope it's not the flu...) Anyway, I'll be back later on to talk. I gotta get some running done. See ya.

Hope you are feeling better soon.
Chat with you soon.
JE

Just wanted to update from the letter. The last couple of days have been wonderful. FWH (lostone2006) has reached out to people here and has been more attentive and even tempered. He has posted here and is looking for a starting point, and seems to maybe be getting some. He has listened to me and seems to be taking it in.
I have been filling his EN again. I am feeling valued as a person, a whole adult person. I am hoping that this is not just the typical 2-3 week thing that he has done before. I hope that he will continue to look at himself, the M and me as a work in progress.
Like I stated before, I care very deeply for him. The in love and love feeling is not there yet, but I do have tingling.
Now the problem. How do I let go of the fear of being hurt? How do I let him in knowing he may hurt me again?
I have spent along time, no LBing, filling EN for him, working on me, etc. But there is still the M to work on.
I am still very hurt. I am still very scared. I am still working on the anger and the images in my mind.
Does anyone have any stratagies for overcoming the fear, hurt, etc. to move on to R. I need to give even more now and I know that. I am ready, but very anxious and somewhat apprehensive. This is what I asked him for, and he is starting to do this, now I need to support him...
JE

JE,

You asked
No problem this is SIMPLE, it just is not easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, let's go over this abit. Fear of being hurt will diminish with time as he shows consistent behavior and support of you. He cannot possible remove the fear in a few weeks, it will actually take years. The feelings will come back before that, but the fear will be there.

However, there is something you can think about as well. What do you fear? Being alone? You have already stated to him that you are ready and willing to file, so that cannot be a fear now can it. Fear of being hurt? Well, you have been hurt and survived so think about that.

So give him time and realize he is going to mess up from time to time, but here is something to consider. As you interact with him not as a child or a victim but as an adult, I think he is going to enjoy YOU so much more. He is going to become connected to you in ways he could not and did not before. You are going to be his PARTNER and I think he will truely enjoy that alot. If this is correct, then I think you will enjoy your marriage more than you ever have before.

So hang in there, give him some help and have him stay here on this site. He will get more advice and support for he will need it, just as you have.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

JL-
I fear the being hurt the most I think. The pain is so vivid still, I deal with it, and have done quite well. It is still a scab though, not bleeding, but still there. I know that it will not take alot to scratch the scab off. I am trying to protect him from my bad days, and knowing it will all blow over tomorrow, etc. But the hurt feeling has been h*ll.
I will get him on here as much as possible. He needs help and never has reached out before. He went to IC because I insisted that he either go to IC or leave. Wrong to do, but I did say I made mistakes along the way...lol.
I know I kept repeating the MB principles and the posts of how to get past the A and withdrawl, and kept on doing it hopeing the light bulb would go on at some point, but it didnt until he read here. SO I put the foundation in, but MB is building the walls so to speak. Now the rest needs to be built.
Thank you for your post. I think I am just trying to jump the gun, and want the pill to make it all better. Not happening, I know...
JE

JE,

Nope not happening with the pills. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But, let your H know how you feel, how fragile you feel. Not so that he can "do something" but that he is aware. But, when you do this, also comment on how the last few days have been for you...much better. You need to reinforce his good behavior so that he learns how to read you. Just remember the man is NOT a mindreader. He cannot know or feel your fear. More importantly if sometimes words seem to cause defensiveness, when you feel fear look at him and just ask him to hold you or hug you.

Also, if YOU want his attention, touch him when you talk to him. Most of us guys respond to contact with our W's in ways you may not really understand. I suspect your H will as well. You can put your hand on his arm, his hand, his shoulder, or just sit leaning on him. It works use it.

Long road JE, but life is a long road, and just maybe your H will wake up and walk the road with you. That would make JUSTempty very happy, and JUSTlearning very happy to hear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

((( Justempty )))

Bless you dear. You have come so far, what is your secret to dealing with the pain that life has thrown you and coming out so much stronger and smarter !!

You are my new hero

I feel that my biggest problem with myself is my fear of abandonment and rejection. I was adopted as a baby, never felt loved growin up, huge physical abuse in my first marriage... on and on..

I have recently met my bio father and brother. While it was a wonderful experience.... it just didn't fill the hole that has always been there .....

Now that I would love to talk with a IC I find myself for the first time in my life without health insurance. My WH is not a very good provider. He has leaned on me most of the time, and now it is his turn.. he is not doing too good....not too good at all !!!

I just wanted to chime in here. I am in awe of you.

I KNOW you will be just fine.. extra fine.

carnation

Hey "shoog" I'm better today. Glad to see your fwh is reading and posting. I wish mine would. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
As far as the fear and hurt and how to make it DIE, I wish I knew. I think time and consistent behavior on his part is the only way (like jl said). It's been since the middle of October for me, and I still feel so raw. From many of the posts I read here, I gather that we may have years of healing ahead of us. I truly hope that's not the case, but at least we know how hard it can be, AND, probably the most important thing is that we have so many here to help us through. Just reading the posts can be so helpful because you see that you're NOT alone. Even when your spouse gets tired of nursing your wounds, the kind people here will be around to help us get through that, as well. I find that very helpful. If I'm feeling especially crappy about things on any given day, I can get on here and it does make me feel better.
Even still, though, there will be fear and hurt.
I wish I could hug ya, and if you were here I would (I need one too). Thank God we have this place, right?

Update for me again:
I am going to back off from MB for a while. I am doing this out of respect for my FWH. I know he need everyone here alot and hopefully will begin healing and working on R.
I have done alot of soul searching and feel pretty good right now with myself. I have triggers and trying to deal with them and still put 100% into the R also.
He is new here and needs time for his issues. I know that he does not want to hurt me, and thoughts of me reading his posts may even make it harder for him. I want him to be honest with everyone here. I do not think he can do that knowing I may lurk onto his posts.
I also am feeling way to tempted to just read them. He has always been such a closed book to me, and I want to know him. But in that aspect, I am removing myself from the temptation at this point.
I dont want people to think that I am being selfish. Far from it. I want to know his feelings, I want to be part of his healing, but I know I am not strong enough to resist the temptation each time I sign on here and see his threads or where he posts. I am weaker than I thought I was. So in that aspect, I will withdraw a little and get myself back on track.
I will overcome this and be stronger. I know I will. Thank you to all who have helped me and to all that will help him.
JE

Gosh, JustEmpty, I hate for you to miss the support here. Also you are so good at helping others.

I think it is okay to read the other spouse's posts. He will probably be rather closed-mouth anyway, until he feels comfortable here.

JE,

I have an idea. Ask your H if he will print out his thread and let you read them. The difference? You won't be interacting with us on your H's thread, but you will get to see what you need to see and hear. Discuss this with him.

I am not breaking any confidences by telling you that I think you find his posts very kind to you, and full of his despair as how to help you.

But, talk with him. REading the printed out posts will probably relieve the temptation for you to post on his thread and "set the record straight". Frankly, from what I have said I doubt you find much to straighten out.

Nevertheless, talk with him and see what you can figure out. AND yes let him know why you want to know. He may be surprised at how you feel that you don't know him.

God Bless,

JL

Hey JE,
If you want to just chat, here's my email mbmoveforward@ yahoo.com. I am a BS, too.

I hate for you to leave here, but if you need a break, that's ok. Might help to keep solme emails just in case. Sometimes it really helps to talk.
Pam

Hello,
Well 2 whole days gone and I cannot continue NC with MB...
I am addicted I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Oh well, I tried and failed. So be it for me to fight it. But I will be strong about not reading lostone2006's posts until he is ready for me to read them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I triggered BIG time on Friday night, and the withdrawl, anger, pain lasted way longer than I was ready for. I figured, I am feeling soo good about how far I have come from 9 months ago, why not back off and let FWH get some wonderful advice and help from you guys. I know how much this lifeline has helped me, so I thought I will not be selfish and let him borrow you for a while. I figured on a month, well that didnt happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
I am much better now, and hoping to not do that again. It scared the living death out of me. I wanted so much to LB him, scream at him, hit him, punch a wall, what ever. Now I am not nor have I ever been violent. But I scared myself for sure. I may have been wrong, but as angry as I was, I could not have FWH around. I did not trust MYSELF! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Now I need anger management help I guess. I do not ever want to feel that angry again. Sure after dday I was angry, kicked him out, but I did not want to hurt him. All I keep saying is WOW.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I have always prided myself in my laid back temper. Sure I can argue with the best of them, and I can take care of my own, especially to protect the kids (mother lion) but never at FWH. But I am much better now. I have dealt with the trigger as best I could but it sure did hurt like heck.

Thank you to everyone for posting to me. I feel really bad for backing away, I had the right idea, but did it in the wrong way. But 2 days isnt too bad. So sorry again. I sure did miss you guys terribly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hey Girl,
Welcome back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Are you in counseling? It has really helped me with my anger issues over the A.

Screaming and punching a pillow helps even if it does sound cliche.

Glad you're back.