Thank you JL!
I think you hit alot of issues right on. I have many times felt that he treats me like a child. Not like a little kid, but childlike. He was in a sense my father figure when we married. I didnt know that then, but when in IC that is the very thing that I discovered. I did not have a father, he died when I was 3. My step dad was one of the sexual abusers and I feared him. So in effect, when my FWH came along and I at the ripe age of 17, he was 34. He was in a way my parent, and being such the age difference was what my IC told me would be typical. I had no control as a little girl, and it continued during my marriage. He was very controlling and sometimes not real nice. But I only knew that type of life. When I went to nursing school a whole new world opened up for me. I had to learn to think on my feet, to be an adult, and responsible for another person. Yes, I was a mother at this time, but it was very different.
From that point on our arguements started. I was not the person he married. Nope, I grew up and became an adult. He despised that, I was no longer dependant on him. We separated shortly after that. I moved back home with the kids. He said some very cruel things. I know in my heart that he cheated on me then, but never stayed to get the proof. We worked it out, kinda a 7 month plan B, then R.
Things were great until the beginning of his LTA. Then it was back to square one again, and continued for 2 years. Then dday. And 9 months later, I think it is still an issue.
I have grown even more since dday. He has not accepted that I am an adult and can be an equal partner. I am willing to be an equal, put his needs with mine, but I am not so sure he will get there.
I will add that I know in 1991 he cheated on me. He will not admit this. He came home from Kuwait with condoms. We both were sterilized (spayed and neutered) lol. There was no reason for him to have condoms. That was the first time I got the I love you but.... I was young and did not understand it. I also know in 1997 or so he cheated then. I have no condom or calls but I just know that now.
He cheated on his second wife. He was engaged to someone when he met and slept with me, so I am an OP. I did not know that...so no 2x4s please. I found out after marrying him about the woman and found out about him cheating on his 2nd wife after dday.
SO it is with that said that I have very high hopes. I have done what I think I can for me and the M. It is his turn to step up, show that he can do this. I will support him, I will protect him, but I will not let myself become that little girl again. I just cannot do that.
I do want a person to love. A person to share my life with.
I just am so unsure if my FWH is that person. I hope he is.
JE

JE,

The last thing you need or he needs really is for you to become that little girl again. So don't worry I am not suggesting that you do. What he will need to recognize that it is to HIS advantage to be married to a grown woman that loves him and who he loves and cherishes as well. Will he? I think there is a good chance. But, it will take a little time.

One thing to remember is that your issues messed with this whole thing abit, and HIS issues surely messed with this thing a lot. One of the more interesting issues is that as we get older we tend to NOT like change. I think there is a reason for this and it is called FEAR. I doubt you see your H this way, but I would bet good money he FEARS you leaving him, he FEARS that the changes in you will challenge his position in the family, and he FEARS you will come to understand his failings as a father, an H, and a man. With age comes insight, and often that insight is not pretty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now given what I have said, and assuming something I have said is right, you can see that recovery for you and your H is a fine line. You need to establish that you are a adult and can take care of yourself. Yet, he FEARS you won't need him and if you don't need him what use is he to you? So on the same line he needs to see his role in your life and the children's life.

Ultimately a balance must be struck by you and by him, about how much you depend on one another, and how much you support one another, and how much you lead one another. Sounds complicated right, well it is and it is not. So have faith in yourself and him that he will "get it". Just give it time.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you again JL.
Do you know us? Are we related....or like B are you in my mind somewhere? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
You seem to know exactly what is going on with me and seem to have hit his stuff on the head. So yes not just something you said, but everything you said is right on the money again.
Are you a MC? If not, may I suggest to you that you do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thank you.
JE

hey-hey JE - He's a physicist. I always thought he was an MC too.

Shhhh Beleiver,

Now she will never talk with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Do you know what scientists do? We look for patterns, see if we can understand what causes what, then concoct theories and test them. Very much like being on this site. No one is right often, but the patterns lead us to the right area code anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JE, if you read here for as long as Believer and I have been reading here, you will see the patterns. I truely think the patterns of your relationship suggest that it can work and be very rewarding for both of you. Your H is going to have to see the "win" in changing, but I think you are up to the task.

God Bless,

JL

LOL
I will still talk to you. LOL
I see the pattern for sure with us. I know I am up for it, I just happen to be rather impatient sometimes if you can tell...
Think you might want to become a MC, cause it seems we might be looking for one, and you have impressed FWH so much he had me read your post to him...that is a first. Not the other posts or his response, but your post. He had tears in his eyes and was amazed. You are impressive.
B- Love ya hun, you are impressive too...
JE

JL just seems to really look at things. I'm always amazed by his insight.

He is amazing. Kinda like you. I swear after IC and early MC, no one has gotten it right on the head like that.
WOW.
I have to keep rereading and rereading it to process and make sure it stays in the memory banks.
JE

Well we are all off as a family today. Going to the movies, shopping at the mall and to dinner.
4 teenagers and 2 crazy adults, this should be a trip to remember..LOL
Wish us luck.
JE

Hope you have/had fun JE.

JL

Well were back. Had a great time with the kids shopping and eating, but the movie was awful. We all left saying the same thing...LOL

We are going skiing as a family on thursday. That will be great I am sure. Of course I wont be able to ski because of my back issues, but I will sit in the lodge and reread one of the harley books.

JE

Good to hear that. Lots of progress is being made on the other thread.

Believer,
I am seeing some of the progress. I am impatient, and after 9 months of waiting for him to come around I am seeing the results.
I say to myself on every good day, this is what it will be like. This is a preview to the type of marriage that we should have had all along.
I know there will be bumps, sometimes big ones, but I am hopeful for what is to come. He has been so attentive, so caring. I cant help myself sometimes with my BS way of thinking. When is the other shoe going to drop? How long can he keep up this act? etc. but I try to push those thoughts aside and focus on today. Even if the M ends at some point and time, I know that the past "todays" of good times will always be with me.
JE

I have another question. I have fought with myself with this one for quite some time.

When DDAY happened, I kicked FWH out. When he was packing and leaving, he explained to the kids that we were taking a little time away, he had done something wrong, and that I asked him to leave.
My 16 year old son at that time, immediately knew what he had done. The 3 girls however did not. My DS is a wonderful, smart, caring, and bright boy. When I stayed outside while FWH said his goodbyes to the kids, DS came out and said "Who was he Fing" now mind you this is a boy that has never before or sinced cussed in front of me. DS then went on to say that we didnt need him, he was an angry mean SOB, and that he (DS) would help with the bills.
The girls however got angry at me. They blamed me for kicking daddy out. I was the bad guy. I chose to take the hit for that, and just stated that we were having problems with each other, and that it was not thier fault.
A few days later, I talked with all 4 of the kids, and asked if they wanted to have FWH come back home. The girls had a resounding YES! DS was closed mouthed and asked if that was what I wanted. I explained that I wanted us to be a family, and that I wanted them to have thier father back. He agreed with the girls, yet was reluctant.
FWH chatted for hours in the car, and it was agreed that he would come back to be thier father, not my husband. WE agreed to live that way.
Now, I never did expose to many. MY sister, DS, and a few of my friend are the only ones. His parents are both deceased, his friends were all in on the A from his work and never told me, and the MOW claimed for the entire 2 years of thier LTA that her H was a WH and they were divorcing. But FWH never went to her house, not once. They met elsewhere. Even used MOWs adult daughters apt. many times.
Should I now, being so far out from dday, expose to MOWs spouse?
And the next question is hard. We have and read the Harley books, in that they are in the home. We are both on MB site. The girls see this and have asked me a question once and a while, but they have never been told about the A at all. The kids and I have always been very open with each other, especially since FWH during most of the M was nota a big part of thier lives. He was here, or on deployment, or away at school but he was always distant from them since thier birth. They knew we were having problems, but not any more literally than that. Should they be told?
I feel like I am constantly lying to them, and our relationships have suffered. I want to do right by them. This is the one thing that eats at me alot of the time. I have always been an open book to them and they to me. That is a big part of why I think they are such great kids. Never one problem, until after dday. Now our DD 15 just recently started AD and had been cutting herself. This within the last 4 months. Now DD 14 is angry alot. She has withdrawn a little, and seems to smart off for no reason.
Now I know they are teens, but this is out of character for them. In that, I know a typical teen will smart off, but hers is to the core anger. Is this part of the teen peer pressure, hormonal thing? Or could it be part of my skirting around the M issues that has hurt them?
JE

Just bumping for replys...
JE

I'm still thinking about this one....... You don't think your son has said anything?

No I am sure he has not. He and I have talked about it twice since dday and he has not told anyone.
I know it is hard, that is why I have not said anything. I was in total shock at first, then in withdrawl for a long time, now I want to recover not only the M but my family too.
Je

What does your husband think?

I'm concerned about the cutting. Glad she is getting help.

I have not broached it with him. I figured I would check here with you all first, then approach him about it. Exposure was a big deal to him.
JE

JE,

Of all of the people you should pay attention to and discuss this with it is your H. I am fairly sure your daughters have a clue about what is going on, and that mixed with the usual but very annoying behavior of 14 and 15 year olds will cause a mess.

I would suggest talking to your H about this and then perhaps have him talk with your son for sure, and perhaps the daughters depending on what you two decide. If you can speak with a counselor about this sort of thing and see if the counselor can offer some tips.

For your information radical honesty is between spouses not necessarily the kids. However, lying to them is NOT a good idea. This is a hard call, you need to talk with your H and come up with a plan.

God Bless,

JL